I've been looking for God in me. I have misunderstood "ye are gods" ... I thought I was God. That we are all One and part of THE GOD. While that does seem to be true, I think it's futile to look for (and accidentally worship) God-in-me.... which is still so muddled with flesh and ego.
Do I look UP for/to Him? Do I look IN? Do I look AROUND? Probably all of the above, but mostly if I wait, with faithful patience - with hope in my heart - I will be directed through the Source (which comes from deeper than any earthly plain).
Am I "God"? "god"? A part of Him/It/All, yes. Truth is within. Do not hang on to any idea though - they are all defiled and shape shifters. I am scared and confused. I AM with you.
Who is I AM?
You are.
WE ARE.
Thank you.
Monday, April 29, 2019
Monday, April 8, 2019
All the Voices
I seem to have an "announcer"... no, that's not what I call her, she's the "Narrator". She is the "main me" who is telling "conscious awareness" what is going on. (Or what she thinks is going on... or what she wants to manipulate "Truth/conscious awareness/portal to God" to think in regards to what is going on.
Have we talked about how I thought, based on Eckhart Tolle's teaching that I had pin pointed THREE "mes"... 1. Ego 2. Painbody 3. Deep-I. Well, I started reading this amazing book (which I have to finish today before the library takes it away...no I don't. I have a paper copy...but I want to finish it if I can...and I seem to be dumping aluminum or something so I should rest...and it's a "New Moon" so Michael says we take today off...all good reasons to finish.)
...aaaaaanyway... The book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer is sooooooooo good. It encourages us to observe our voices and see that our awareness is NOT the voices (the ones telling us what is going on. "I like this" "Remember this?" "You are going to die" "Cling to this"... etc.). Last week, I had a bonafide mental breakdown akin to the one that got me hospitalized two times in 2015. I was DRIVING (which makes it even more scary to me) and there were SOOOOO many voices! Tim asked how many and I guessed 30, but I don't know. A lot. Anyway, they were all talking and I couldn't get them to stop and I was overwhelmed and reality superimposed on non-reality (or visa versa). I didn't know what to do but it was so freakin' scary!!!!!! I guess at some point there was a break enough to think that "I need to go to the hospital" and "No, that won't help" and "I should stop driving" and "I want to see Sayre" (I was seeing her and meeting her son of 2.5 years for the first time with Le'Anna!)
Okay. I have to eat now. Cooked vegetables. And then do a coffee enema. I've been cheating on the "genital bath" - you're supposed to sit in a tray of ice water. I just point the cold shower head at my who-who/vag area - I think it's helping. I definitely think I have "head congestion".
We got baby Cornish X a couple days ago. 7 of them. So cute and fluffy. Something else to worry about. <-- that was one of my voices. They are always trying to scare me and keep me in sympathetic dominance. I need to learn to BE HERE NOW. Period. Stop striving. Eat my vegetables on the couch with the sweetest most beautiful man alive (Meekel). Incidentally, I think I am healing... retracing... addressing trauma, especially in my dreams. Last night I woke myself up giving what I thought was "wise advice"... I think I'm teaching myself. The night before, I ... and I'm trying not to cling to this... but I had a dream where I had a heart-to-heart with Tyrone. It was beautiful and full. He told me he hated me...and he loved me... and he started to go down this list he had written of all the things he wanted to tell me but I saw he skipped "psychopath" or something... I think I was thinking "narcissistic" or something... so I interrupted him to tell him he's right - that I was narcissistic and empathetic and they are... I'm not sure if I told him this or just thought of it... different sides of the same coin. (I was thinking of a brief article I read.) . <-- I should say that I just googled this and read another article and no longer think I'm this... but I have a lot of problems, not the least is that I have no idea what is up and what is down - I'm faking it all. Trying to manipulate my way through the self-imposed "reality" (form structure and story that I've built up around myself to give my life meaning).
I'm grateful for the opportunity to awaken from this dream of self and become the witness (pure and true) that I'm meant to be. I am the witness.
Have we talked about how I thought, based on Eckhart Tolle's teaching that I had pin pointed THREE "mes"... 1. Ego 2. Painbody 3. Deep-I. Well, I started reading this amazing book (which I have to finish today before the library takes it away...no I don't. I have a paper copy...but I want to finish it if I can...and I seem to be dumping aluminum or something so I should rest...and it's a "New Moon" so Michael says we take today off...all good reasons to finish.)
...aaaaaanyway... The book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer is sooooooooo good. It encourages us to observe our voices and see that our awareness is NOT the voices (the ones telling us what is going on. "I like this" "Remember this?" "You are going to die" "Cling to this"... etc.). Last week, I had a bonafide mental breakdown akin to the one that got me hospitalized two times in 2015. I was DRIVING (which makes it even more scary to me) and there were SOOOOO many voices! Tim asked how many and I guessed 30, but I don't know. A lot. Anyway, they were all talking and I couldn't get them to stop and I was overwhelmed and reality superimposed on non-reality (or visa versa). I didn't know what to do but it was so freakin' scary!!!!!! I guess at some point there was a break enough to think that "I need to go to the hospital" and "No, that won't help" and "I should stop driving" and "I want to see Sayre" (I was seeing her and meeting her son of 2.5 years for the first time with Le'Anna!)
Okay. I have to eat now. Cooked vegetables. And then do a coffee enema. I've been cheating on the "genital bath" - you're supposed to sit in a tray of ice water. I just point the cold shower head at my who-who/vag area - I think it's helping. I definitely think I have "head congestion".
We got baby Cornish X a couple days ago. 7 of them. So cute and fluffy. Something else to worry about. <-- that was one of my voices. They are always trying to scare me and keep me in sympathetic dominance. I need to learn to BE HERE NOW. Period. Stop striving. Eat my vegetables on the couch with the sweetest most beautiful man alive (Meekel). Incidentally, I think I am healing... retracing... addressing trauma, especially in my dreams. Last night I woke myself up giving what I thought was "wise advice"... I think I'm teaching myself. The night before, I ... and I'm trying not to cling to this... but I had a dream where I had a heart-to-heart with Tyrone. It was beautiful and full. He told me he hated me...and he loved me... and he started to go down this list he had written of all the things he wanted to tell me but I saw he skipped "psychopath" or something... I think I was thinking "narcissistic" or something... so I interrupted him to tell him he's right - that I was narcissistic and empathetic and they are... I'm not sure if I told him this or just thought of it... different sides of the same coin. (I was thinking of a brief article I read.) . <-- I should say that I just googled this and read another article and no longer think I'm this... but I have a lot of problems, not the least is that I have no idea what is up and what is down - I'm faking it all. Trying to manipulate my way through the self-imposed "reality" (form structure and story that I've built up around myself to give my life meaning).
I'm grateful for the opportunity to awaken from this dream of self and become the witness (pure and true) that I'm meant to be. I am the witness.
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