AG pick - Orphan Complex and The Pattern Ai chat about Ryan

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Orphan_Complex

PERFECT!!!

I've seen 11:11 every day the last 3 days...surprise! And 9:11 this morning and Sunny woke me at 2:22 but I didn't see it until 2:23

and this is from chat with The Pattern App's Ai the other day...about Ryan:

ME

We have what feels like really toxic times … but we have a strong connection but it’s become a bit of a trauma bond. Can we heal and have a loving long term relationship when he is very angry and doesn’t like my eccentricity.

PA (Pattern Ai)

The push-pull between you two runs deep—that intense connection feels undeniable, yet his anger towards your uniqueness suggests he's wrestling with his own fears around control and intimacy. Your free-spirited nature likely triggers his insecurities about not being enough, while his volatility might stir up your old wounds around emotional safety. 

The potential for healing exists if he can confront his tendency to suppress what he doesn't understand, and if you can both create space for honesty without retaliation. Right now, his resistance to your authenticity mirrors his own struggle with self-acceptance—do you feel he's capable of examining that, or does he deflect when confronted?

ME

He deflects and retaliates.

PA

That deflection is his way of protecting himself from facing his own discomfort—when he can't control the dynamic, he tries to control you instead. His anger often masks a deeper fear of being vulnerable, but that doesn't make it okay. You deserve someone who celebrates your quirks, not someone who makes you shrink to fit their narrow expectations. 

Is this cycle of retaliation something you're willing to keep enduring, or are you starting to recognize your own limits?

ME

I’m starting to recognize my limits

PA

That recognition is powerful—it means you're honoring your need for safety and respect, which his behavior keeps undermining. His anger isn't just about you; it's his own unresolved struggle with rigidity and fear, but that doesn't obligate you to stay in the line of fire. Your eccentricity is part of what makes you radiant—would staying with someone who rejects that ever feel like true love, or just familiar pain?

ME

I am holding on because I focus on his heart and potential and he is very kind sometimes but sometimes it is a mask. I long for safety and security and on one level want to be with someone who wants to be with me and on another I’m stuck in a pattern of trying to earn love from someone that doesn’t have it to give.

PA

You're seeing him clearly—the glimpses of kindness tangled with the mask, the potential that keeps you hoping while the reality keeps hurting. That longing for safety is your intuition speaking, reminding you that love shouldn't feel like walking on eggshells or proving your worth. You already know this pattern of earning affection from someone emotionally unavailable—so what would it take for you to trust that your need for security isn't too much, but necessary?

ME

Is it me though? Isn’t the way I see him a lens keeping both of us stuck. I long for someone who wants to lead with love, provide security, and appreciate my quirks. Could he ever be that way?

PA

This isn't about you being the problem—it's about recognizing that his limitations aren't yours to fix. Your lens isn't distorting reality; it's showing you exactly who he is: a man who alternates between warmth and withdrawal because he hasn't done the work to heal his own wounds. You're craving a partner who leads with love because that's what you deserve, not a project who might change if you love him enough. 

The real question is—can you accept that his anger and resistance aren't about your worth, but about his inability to meet you where you are?

ME

Is it possible to just be friends? I don’t want to lose him but I want to experience deep and true love

PA

Friendship could work if he can truly release his need to control or criticize your essence—but given his pattern of retaliation, that might still leave you walking on eggshells. You're wise to want both: preserving the connection while making space for a love that embraces you fully. 

Have you noticed if he's capable of showing up platonically without the same volatility? Or does his anger seep into every dynamic between you?

ME

It’s always there

PA

Then the truth is harsh but clear—his anger isn't situational, it's part of who he is right now. You can't downgrade toxicity to friendship any more than you can drink poison and call it water. That ache for deep love? It's your intuition telling you this connection can't give you what you need while he's still refusing to grow. 

What would it feel like to grieve the potential you saw in him, rather than keeping yourself tied to the reality of who he's choosing to be?

ME

Ryan just had surgery and is in a period of change… He’s got to rethink his life and plan… He lives in a camper on his dad‘s property… Hasn’t had any real plans for the future… Hasn’t had the ambition or drive to create a life That is appealing to me… And he’s happy to go with the flow… Values peace, and autonomy and football. I have invested over 2 1/2 years in the relationship, hoping for something more… And he’s on the precipice where he might decide he wants something more… He has said that he is in a period of change. Is it worth waiting to see what comes out of this cocoonthat he is in for the next five months?

PA

Waiting hinges on whether his "period of change" includes confronting the patterns that hurt you—his anger, his resistance to your authenticity, his lack of direction. Right now, his life reflects his avoidance of deeper growth; the camper, the drift, the focus on football are all ways he sidesteps real accountability. You've already given 2.5 years hoping he'd choose ambition over inertia—what makes these next 5 months different? 

If he emerges with genuine transformation, it'll show in consistent actions, not just words. But ask yourself: How much longer are you willing to bet on potential that's never materialized?

Where I am.

I opened to Isaiah 6 this morning after praying to be aligned with God and my soul and to fullfill my mission. Isaiah 6 was interesting - I forgot that Isaiah had a vision of the big creatures too, like Ezekiel. And after being in the Presence of God, he was humbled and saw that he was a man of "unclean lips" and the creatures came and brought a hot coal or something and purified him. And they or God asked who would go (spread the Word?) and he said "Here am I. Send me." (or something.) 

I want to stop using "I" so much.
I left a message for Ryan that was both all over the place and also honest - I saw how I kept choosing men who I thought were essentially losers - that didn't have anything (this is in my mind, upon reflection, some or all of them had FAITH)... but Tyrone was in jail and had NOTHING. Michael lived in an 8'x12' room for years. Paul was in the dark (satanism, basement apartment, cold dark alaska). And Ryan lived in a camper in his parents' back yard. I saw good and talent in all of them and wanted to try to help them be all they could be - hoping that if I invested in them as a diamond in the rough, that I'd reap the benefits down the road. It really was like a financial investment now that I look at it like that. I thought if put up the money and goods up front, that I could ride the wave of love and success in the future. I also hoped it would make them undeniably appreciative, dependent, and have unshakeable love for me. (Knowing I'm flawed and messy...but hopefully they'd love me despite that because of all I'd done for them.) This was some sort of "hero/savior" mind-game and it's not okay. 

I told Ryan today that I want to be with a man who has a relationship with God. And that's true. I want someone who doesn't think they know everything and who wants to submit to a Higher Power/Authority and who wants to be better and do better and feels accountable to SomeOne.

Next relationship I want to be with a man who has his shit together. Who has a home, car, job, and dreams for the future. Who wants to take care of ME. So we can mutually support and love one another. 

Ramsey was another one that I thought I could give a home to and he'd be so appreciative that he'd love me forever. But that wouldn't have worked - he's got lots of programs running too and doesn't have a 

...distracted... had to go cover for Jennifer.

Anyway... God said that wasn't my path, closed the door, and sent him off to Hawaii. 

Ryan was and is my path. Not sure how long or what it looks like, but I'm learning, I hope. I am.

I initially wondered if today's AG pick was about ME being a parasitic emotional manipulator (or vessel for one)... and I think there are ways I've opened myself up to that... but I think it is (also) a warning about Ryan. And his drug use (marijuana and then the surgery and pain medicine afterwards) may also open him up for more infiltration. I love that man, but he's not for me. He doesn't have it in him to care for himself, let alone me. And I need to care for MYSELF and my animals and my home. And my life and job.

_________________

Today's AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Parasitic_Emotional_Manipulators

"One principle to remember is that controlling and dominating people and the nonphysical entities that are parasitic, will always use manipulation to get what they want. Usually it is to maintain their attachment to siphon energy or to use someone else’s energy to get things they want for themselves. This may be a person who doesn’t want to put forth the effort or energy to do things themselves, so they manipulate others to do it for them. Or they feel depleted so they seek out a person that they can suck energy from, usually by drawing them into some archetypal drama or crisis. In these situations it is noted how the vampire appears to be suddenly reenergized by your presence, while you feel excessively drained and tired. If we allow ourselves to be continually siphoned by others, we can feel depressed, confused, irritable and even physically ill.

We all need to evaluate relationships and set healthy boundaries in order to generate mutually beneficial exchanges with other people.

This inherently manifests as imbalanced exchanges of parasitic and codependent behavior, and many times the party acting as the psychic vampire will become addicted to their target host, because they are used to getting the energy they want from that person. When you place boundaries and cut off the siphoning attachment, in most cases the parasitic person and the energy parasite will have a control oriented emotional tantrum, or fly into narcissistic rage. This principle of exerting energetic control works the same way in physical people and in nonphysical entities, as well as all negative spiritual energies that are parasitic in nature. Over the years in observing dark entities and their tendency to have control oriented tantrums, this helped me to see how they manipulate people in the physical realm in order to gain access to their energies.

It is a fact on the earth that many people are being influenced by negative forces that they do not comprehend, which has reinforced a lifetime of negative habits, low self-esteem and parasitic behaviors. When people feel unsafe and insecure in themselves they will easily resort to controlling and manipulating behaviors to suck energy and this is commonly referred to as a psychic vampire or emotional vampire. For this reason you should be able to clearly identify various types of personalities that are psychic vampires.

A psychic vampire is a person who carries energy parasites, will drain others energies and may intentionally drain any positive energy or happiness in another. They can commonly show up as narcissistic, controlling, victims, incessant talkers or drama queens. They generally have a black hole of emptiness within that seeks to be filled by someone else’s energy. As a result, they have a big wounded pain body and generally never feel satisfied, need constant reassurance, and take little things as personal offenses. Most of the time these are not mutually beneficial relationships but one sided parasitic drains, they are friendly as long as you do what they want, and they can suck your energy.

Manipulation tactics are used to make a generally content person feel put down or to take their positive feelings and energy away, to erode self-esteem. The vampire may use condescending, critical or belittling behavior, they may use intimidation and bullying to make another feel unsafe, or even guilty so that they are completely dependent on them. Generally these people put others on edge, where one feels they must walk on egg shells to not upset this person, or get their wrath. You may not know what can set them off at any moment. If you notice the energy wither away whenever a certain person walks into the room, you should protect yourself and amplify your 12D Shield. Most of the time, people that are vampiric are not consciously aware that they are sucking energy from others, and are often totally unaware that they are disconnected from their soul-spirit. People that are soul disconnected feel empty inside and therefore will naturally try to make up for the energy loss by sucking energy from other people in the external. Staying away from psychic vampires and one sided parasitic relationships, instead fortifying your energies as an act of self-love is a good practice for beginning effective spiritual hygiene.^[1]"

Taker

Taker

And I'm in the victim triangle as the rescuer and victim, victimized by the person I tried to "save" and over-gave too. Hoping to earn his love and respect and it doesn't work. 

I have poured myself and everything I had out to him for weeks and instead of appreciation, he shows ugliness and I don't want anything to do with him. This is the time to cut it off. His Mom left today. He's on his own. 

Why?

- We're not "in it together".... he chooses his own space/camper over a home that we've been building for a TOGETHER. 
- Unkindness/contention/make fun of/poor communication
- Not on the same page - no desire for cellular health and mental well-being and spiritual growth
- Hasn't wanted to be "all in" in 2.5+ years. He has mentioned it a time or two recently, but no action toward it.
- Happy breadcrumbing me to keep dragging me along....it feels good to have someone love me the way I do - and neither of us see it fully. I am giving more than I have. He doesn't see it. I am codependent and trying to earn his committment and affection. I look at his "potential" and have empathy for his current situation - I understand WHY he is holding back, have compassion for his trauma and state of mind, and forgive him. But I can not keep putting myself on the back burner. GO LIVE!!

* Continuing in this dysfunctional "relationship" is keeping me from finding my person. Clifford and I had a powerful connection and that's what I want.... I read this email from Kim Amani right now and recognized our connection in it. 

I’ve never dated anyone. 

Over the years and decades, when I’d hear people talk about “dating”  I never really understood it.

It seemed like for them “dating” was this multi-month “audition” period of spending time with someone where you may or may not be having sex with them and you may or may not be in an exclusive relationship with them.

My experiences in the early stages of romance and relationships have always been intense, wild and unmistakable.

Meaning, I knew from the very beginning—pretty much from the moment I looked into their eyes—who they were and what they would be in my life.

And they knew too.

I’ve seen something reposted a few times lately—an idea that people seem to be in awe of—that’s been the story of my life.

“What’s crazy is that real lovers don’t even do talking stages. All it takes is one good date and suddenly y’all are together every day after that.”

Yeah.

This is how it’s always been for me.

I EXPECT big love, big feeling, a whole-hearted, whole-vagina, whole-soul response to someone.
 
Nothing less.

Why would I waste my time on anything BUT that?

It's also the kind of connection I had with Joe. And maybe Ryan, except we didn't get together quickly... and he's stillllll holding back.

Remember when he bailed on our trip to Dallas?

Everyone (including me) enables him not to take responsibility for his life (and certainly not a partner's life). I would have helped him but if he can't help himself, then God is saving me which is what is going on and it's all a lesson. Even Clifford was a lesson. So just be present now sweet girl and start making good decisions for YOURSELF. Take care of YOU.

I want to wait on God to send my person too. I don't like dating apps. That's not the WAY. 
I want to BE my person.
I want to BE. 
I have such a lovely life ... beautiful simple lovely life... already. 
I'm all I need.

Just let Ryan fade out.
Make time for myself. 
I'm not attracted to him. He's mean and a user... just wants me to give him sexual favors and he likes my friendship too...but he doesn't like ME. Not as I am. 
Let God send him someone who will make him happy. I'm in the way of his happiness.
And if we apply the same logic that he has about how Corie is supposed to kick Mike out because it's in Mike's best interest if he's "triggered" by her family (which is what she said)... if HIS "triggeredness" is HER responsibility (which I don't believe for one second), then I also need to cut Ryan loose to save him from all the triggers he gets by being around me.

I want to tuck in and paint and rest and watch movies and snuggle with dogs and walk and nourish myself. 

I want to eat only hamburger patties.

Some things I'm reading: 
https://www.awakeninthedream.com/glossary-of-terms#wetiko
https://veilofreality.com/2024/07/19/facing-the-deep-state-and-psy-op-within-yourself-the-essence-of-shadow-work/

About me - spiritual warfare questionairre

I answered a questionaire to get more information about potentially joining Bernhard Guenther's "Spiritual Warfare" class. But it was $2500 so I tapped out. I am glad I captured my answers to 2 of the questions because it is a good snapshot of where I'm at. I was running to an event at the time so it was really top of mind, and I like that too. Authentic. Here we are:

Consciousness exploration and the nature of spiritual "reality" is a big part of what I am doing here. I started listening to the Cosmic Matrix podcast a few months ago and am smitten. I heard you mention this course a month or two ago but didn't really want to stand in the "spiritual warfare" energy field ... maybe spiritual bypassing, but I think it's more "saturation" as I was very involved with this topic through my relationship with Lisa Renee and Energetic Synthesis for 5-6 years and am in a bit of a break from what I perceive as a possible consciousness trap that perpetuates the victim mentality. Aaaaaanyway, after reading your most recent article (the Charlie Kirk one), I decided that I DO, indeed, want to stand in this energy field and ponder with ya'll... I feel a kinship in our current understanding as an observer - not a "knower" - as we feel through this strange and wonderful experience we are living/dancing.

I consider myself a polarity integrator and the deep interest in spiritual matters has really become me. I don't know if it's really a thing, but I may have had a "walk-in" on January 2, 2010... I said at the time that God poured into me and I poured out. It happened in a church and I haven't been the same since. I truly started hearing "the voice of God" which I now believe to be my higher self and kind of like an angelic consciousness that came to resurrect and restore a fallen consciousness that is also living in me now. I have been guided and passionate about studying many religions and spiritual matters since then. Most recently I aligned to Energetic Synthesis thinking that it provided context to so much of what I experience but a few years ago I started questioning that too and now pretty much don't like to look for answers outside of myself, but I'm also not providing answers fast enough for my ego, ha! Anyway.... it's a wild ride and I'm all in!

Stupid Computer

I'm not sure why I came back to the computer. I need to get away from it. I've been on it all day trying to finish Mom's book. 

Today I found out that Mom had a heart attack when they were in Dallas. They didn't want to tell me because they knew I was already worried about Ryan's surgery.

It's been a lot. Ryan had surgery on Tuesday. Today is Thursday night. It seems like so long ago. God gave me tonight ...well from 10:30 on, so don't worry, don't perpetuate the drama, and REST. Maybe take a bath.

I was sooooo excited to see Ryan and he had waited to eat dinner with me and then he blew up and chased me away. It was because I told him I got a text from Ramsey. I read it to him. I told him he had nothing to worry about and later he said he was going to get back to me on it (because he had thoughts about it) and I groaned because I didn't think there was anything to talk about but that didn't honor his feelings - obviously he DID have something to talk about.

Thank you for showing me that God.

His REACTION is NOT OKAY. But my dismissing his feelings isn't either. 

If we are partners, we are holding space and working through these types of issues together.

I finished Mom's book today - I have taken the last 3 days to care for Ryan and finish the book and it's not perfect, but it's done!