Sucky fasting

I broke my fast today. It was a crappy fast. It was a fast based on my own understanding and not out of reverence, desire for, or supplication to God.

Earlier this year, God led me into and through a life-changing 21 day fast. It was the first time that I was led to fast (though I had refrained from food before, saying that I was fasting, but not understanding what I was doing). This time God called and I partook in the [Daniel] fast with a heart of obedience. I trusted Him and He blessed me.

This time - mid-May- I had big plans! I was going to fast for the month prior to my missions trip.

Now it's been about 2.5 weeks since I started it, and I am very aware of the fact that I'm not feeling even a quarter of the benefits that I felt before- I'm not feeling closer to God, but rather further. I'm not feeling healthier, but rather yuckier. I'm not feeling freedom in Christ, but rather bondage. I realize that part of this may be spiritual attacks from the enemy who is just DYING to tell me what a failure I am and how I won't live up and how I am a fraud - and frankly - I just realized when I wrote that out, that I AM a fraud - at least in this. I am supposed to live an authentic life - doing everything by, through, and with the Holy Spirit... but this big thing which is supposed to be an offering to God was done by, through, and with ME.

I suck.
Is that a bad thing to say? Yes. I guess. Because I don't suck...not when I'm not me... not when I'm living for God... then I don't suck because I'm God's child... perfect in His sight. Unfortunately, that's not the case for me now. I'm a fraud. I learned who I was in Christ and then started trying to imitate it on my own power for my own good. 

I want to defend myself here. I am torn. I want to tell myself that I'm not THAT bad...that I do so much right... but - *let me pause here and have a heart-to-heart with myself-  Carissa, that's not what you asked for. You asked God to show you you. You asked God to show you what He sees and hears. This is a blessing. It is a blessing to see your fraud-hood.  *end of heart-to-heart. :)

So now I seek God and start over- looking to Him for direction and guidance and seeking to be obedient. Ohhhh... God just showed me that I should "hold onto the progress [I] have already made" (Phil 3:16) and "fix [my] thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (Phil 4:8) "For I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength" (Phil 4:13)

I just started reading an amazing book on fasting and will seek God and start over as He leads. :)