I am still wrestling with WHEN I was saved... when I was born again.
In 1991 I decided that I didn't want to go to hell. So at the age of 13 I "accepted Christ" and was baptized. Shortly thereafter, my family moved and I didn't go back to church until January of 2005 when my marriage and life were falling apart (the church across the street called to me as a last resort). I assumed I was already saved (because I was already baptized), but I didn't have peace and still always asked for Jesus to come live in my heart every time the pastor led a prayer for salvation. I even answered an altar call a couple of times and got re-baptized with my husband. Eventually I had peace and considered myself saved/ born again! As I've mentioned before, I was very active in the church and Bible studies and groups, etc .... God used me...
BUT.
But I wasn't changed. I didn't have any fruit. I look back and I can't see true life change. I wasn't a "new creation". I probably said I was, but I wasn't. If anyone asked the question about whether I knew that I knew that I knew that I was saved and going to heaven- I would yell out "OF COURSE!"... and I believed it. I did.
I don't know now. I think what I knew was head knowledge- I wanted to believe it so I believed it on principle which was as deep as I knew to go with it....
But now...now things are different. Everyone tells me how different I am. I truly AM. I am being transformed before my own eyes.... indeed... I look into my eyes and I see Jesus... I am ministered to from within....from the Holy Spirit who lives in me and has given me new life. I am connected to something that I still can't explain... the spiritual realm... the mind of Christ.... something supernatural.
My question to myself (and to God) is "was the Holy Spirit laying dormant in me - quenched beyond movement by my own sense of self for all those years?" (whether it's 20 years or 6 years, I'll not know).... OR has it only been a little over a year since I've been reborn??
Only God knows... but I think He's revealing it to me.
I have a sense that I have truly only been saved since last year... that it took my brokenness and suffering to bring me to a place of dependence on God... it took my admission of sin and recognition that I could not do this life on my own for me to come to a place where I was able to call on the SAVIOR of the world to RESCUE me from my depraved state. The day and experience where the Holy Spirit flooded into me and I flooded out is etched in my heart and I know that I haven't been the same since... that I am now in the process of being sanctified (made Christ-like).
I am scared about that, because if that is true- if I wasn't saved and sealed from the day that I originally asked Jesus to live in my heart, then there are a LOT of people that AREN'T saved...that THINK they are....they are decieved and coddled into complacency....into thinking they are good people because they read the Bible and go to church and serve others and so they assume they are saved.
If it's true that we have to wait on God to bring us to the place of surrender... that it's not based on us just hearing the message and responding in the flesh, then unfortunately it means that there is NOTHING that WE can do. GOD HIMSELF has to bring us to that place of brokenness. We can't do it. Oh, but we can pray for it. We can ask for it. We can BEG for it. But HE has to bring us there and when we get there, we need to know to respond to the ONLY ONE who can save - JESUS!
... the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it. - Matthew 7:14
<3
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Cravings
I've recently come to the conclusion that all our cravings come from our natural desire for God.
We are constantly seeking to fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts. Unfortunately, we usually try to fill it with a substance.... or a person... or an experience...or whatever.
Let's look at food cravings. If someone is craving a particular kind of food, it is usually because our bodies are telling us that we are missing an important nutrient. Does that make sense? For example, if we are craving oranges, chances are, our bodies are low on vitamin C. Ask a pregnant lady- she'll tell you. :)
So let's apply that to sin. Whenever we crave sin (a substitute for God), that craving is actually an effective flag to remind us to seek God and figure out what is missing in our spiritual life... what spiritual nutrient are we missing? Ask God to reveal it to you and then seek Him for His provision.
15 Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. 16 For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. 17 And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever. - 1 John 2:15-17
<3
We are constantly seeking to fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts. Unfortunately, we usually try to fill it with a substance.... or a person... or an experience...or whatever.
Let's look at food cravings. If someone is craving a particular kind of food, it is usually because our bodies are telling us that we are missing an important nutrient. Does that make sense? For example, if we are craving oranges, chances are, our bodies are low on vitamin C. Ask a pregnant lady- she'll tell you. :)
So let's apply that to sin. Whenever we crave sin (a substitute for God), that craving is actually an effective flag to remind us to seek God and figure out what is missing in our spiritual life... what spiritual nutrient are we missing? Ask God to reveal it to you and then seek Him for His provision.
15 Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. 16 For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. 17 And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever. - 1 John 2:15-17
<3
Monday, March 21, 2011
Testimony Pieces
God is revealing more and more of my testimony to me (isn't that funny? HE is revealing it to ME... showing me who I have been and who I am in Him. :)) I felt like He wanted me to start writing it down so I'm gonna try.... I'll try to keep it succinct! :)
First of all, He has been revealing to me more about some of the trials and tribulations that He took me through to show me how I need to rely on HIM (not myself). He continues to show me my heart which is being refined from its state of pride, selfishness, and self-reliance.
Today God reminded me that He had me laid off from my job... twice. (This may be my pride speaking, but I really want to make clear that both of the layoffs were on good terms. For one of them, I had just earned the Chairman's Award for one of my projects which brought in an additional $19million dollars that year. The company was downsizing my department and I was invited to join a different team, but I chose to be laid off. In the other job I was a program director and was successfully making my program famous and functional but our Executive Director made some bad choices which resulted in 75% of the staff, including my program, being let go. I just want to note that I was darn good at whatever I did. <-- Okay- yeah- this is DEFINITELY my pride speaking! ;)) Well... let me keep going.... because I never connected the loss of those [awesome] jobs at as being from God, but it most CERTAINLY was. He was trying to break me of my aforementioned pride. At the time, I looked at the layoffs as opportunities for a new beginning and proudly took control of both instances- moving and/or starting new businesses and looking for new ways to fulfill myself instead of putting my trust in the Lord. I find it interesting that I didn't see that until now. God is SO AWESOME the way He peels us like onions.... revealing one little piece at a time. Those layoffs were HARD times in my life, but I played my little games, trying to make the most of every circumstance. :)
One thing I definitely want to address is the undercurrent throughout my life which has been the DESPERATE DESIRE to attain the "approval" of my parents. I think this was a huge idol for me and I can see how I put them in front of God. I never officially attained their approval... but now I rejoice in the secure love of my Heavenly Father- PRAISE HIM!!! Interestingly, the more I love God, the more my parents seem to approve of me (and I do not think of them as followers (yet)--- God has a plan for them though! He wants their whole hearts!!)
Okay, let me start this "testimony" right.... let's talk about the "God-shaped hole". <--- You can't go wrong starting a testimony off talking about that! :) This is the deep and all consuming hole in our soul which we humans try and try and try to fill with the things of this earth and things of the flesh- none of which really "scratches the itch".
I tried to fill said "God-shaped hole" in my heart with substances - drugs and inhuman amounts of alcohol. I tried to fill it with food. I tried to find understanding in mental health diagnosis' ("Ah! So THAT'S the reason I am the way I am- let me take a little pill to "fix" me"). I had relationships and sex outside of marriage including three years as a homosexual. I also tried to fill my hole with supposedly GOOD things such as fun experiences (I became a snowboarder, skydiver, adventurer, traveled extensively, etc.). I used education and work (at one time I was working three jobs (I worked at an amusement park (my heritage), while I taught acting at a renowned theater (my passion), while holding up my career as a project manager at a top-of-the-line insurance company (my pride) all while working on my master's degree (my future). I kept heaping it on... trying to learn and experience my way to true understanding.
At one point I even used CHURCH as a way to fill the hole. In my attempts to patch our lives and to be good (a good wife, a good daughter, a good person), we joined a church (really, we JOINED out of desperation, but [I] remained for a pious sense of being being "good".) I was very active in my church - moreso when my husband and I decided to join the launch team of a church plant. I built websites, filmed and edited services for TV, produced and directed 3-camera set-ups, handled volunteers, sang on the worship team, worked with our youth group and whatever else needed to get done. Funny thing- NONE OF THAT helped me get to know Jesus.
Freedom and fulfillment didn't come until God took all of that other stuff away... until He showed me that it wasn't ANYTHING that I COULD DO that would bring me the fulfillment and happiness that I was seeking.
Over the course of a year or two, God brought me to a place of submission... He showed me that I couldn't do anything on my own.... that it wasn't about me.... that it was all about HIM. He took my marriage and security, he took my job, he took my comfort in alcohol, he took my mental health diagnosis and the pills that were covering up my mind and hardening my heart, he took the people who I loved and that I surrounded myself with, and he eventually took my desire to live.
Yeahhhhh, that was seriously the BEST and SCARIEST place I have ever been. Completely in the dark. Completely at a loss - not dependent. not emotional. not seeking. not anything.... just accepting of the void. I accepted where I was and I thought that meant that I was going to be DEAD. I didn't have plans to kill myself, per se, I just thought it was over. I was saying goodbye to my family at Christmas... so weird... but I was.
A few days later, on January 2, 2010, I attended the consecration service at Journey Church and actually, literally, truly, for REAL, finally admitted my inadequacy and SURRENDERED my WHOLE life in the name of JESUS for the GLORY of GOD.
I haven't been the same since.
:) :) :)
First of all, He has been revealing to me more about some of the trials and tribulations that He took me through to show me how I need to rely on HIM (not myself). He continues to show me my heart which is being refined from its state of pride, selfishness, and self-reliance.
Today God reminded me that He had me laid off from my job... twice. (This may be my pride speaking, but I really want to make clear that both of the layoffs were on good terms. For one of them, I had just earned the Chairman's Award for one of my projects which brought in an additional $19million dollars that year. The company was downsizing my department and I was invited to join a different team, but I chose to be laid off. In the other job I was a program director and was successfully making my program famous and functional but our Executive Director made some bad choices which resulted in 75% of the staff, including my program, being let go. I just want to note that I was darn good at whatever I did. <-- Okay- yeah- this is DEFINITELY my pride speaking! ;)) Well... let me keep going.... because I never connected the loss of those [awesome] jobs at as being from God, but it most CERTAINLY was. He was trying to break me of my aforementioned pride. At the time, I looked at the layoffs as opportunities for a new beginning and proudly took control of both instances- moving and/or starting new businesses and looking for new ways to fulfill myself instead of putting my trust in the Lord. I find it interesting that I didn't see that until now. God is SO AWESOME the way He peels us like onions.... revealing one little piece at a time. Those layoffs were HARD times in my life, but I played my little games, trying to make the most of every circumstance. :)
One thing I definitely want to address is the undercurrent throughout my life which has been the DESPERATE DESIRE to attain the "approval" of my parents. I think this was a huge idol for me and I can see how I put them in front of God. I never officially attained their approval... but now I rejoice in the secure love of my Heavenly Father- PRAISE HIM!!! Interestingly, the more I love God, the more my parents seem to approve of me (and I do not think of them as followers (yet)--- God has a plan for them though! He wants their whole hearts!!)
Okay, let me start this "testimony" right.... let's talk about the "God-shaped hole". <--- You can't go wrong starting a testimony off talking about that! :) This is the deep and all consuming hole in our soul which we humans try and try and try to fill with the things of this earth and things of the flesh- none of which really "scratches the itch".
I tried to fill said "God-shaped hole" in my heart with substances - drugs and inhuman amounts of alcohol. I tried to fill it with food. I tried to find understanding in mental health diagnosis' ("Ah! So THAT'S the reason I am the way I am- let me take a little pill to "fix" me"). I had relationships and sex outside of marriage including three years as a homosexual. I also tried to fill my hole with supposedly GOOD things such as fun experiences (I became a snowboarder, skydiver, adventurer, traveled extensively, etc.). I used education and work (at one time I was working three jobs (I worked at an amusement park (my heritage), while I taught acting at a renowned theater (my passion), while holding up my career as a project manager at a top-of-the-line insurance company (my pride) all while working on my master's degree (my future). I kept heaping it on... trying to learn and experience my way to true understanding.
At one point I even used CHURCH as a way to fill the hole. In my attempts to patch our lives and to be good (a good wife, a good daughter, a good person), we joined a church (really, we JOINED out of desperation, but [I] remained for a pious sense of being being "good".) I was very active in my church - moreso when my husband and I decided to join the launch team of a church plant. I built websites, filmed and edited services for TV, produced and directed 3-camera set-ups, handled volunteers, sang on the worship team, worked with our youth group and whatever else needed to get done. Funny thing- NONE OF THAT helped me get to know Jesus.
Freedom and fulfillment didn't come until God took all of that other stuff away... until He showed me that it wasn't ANYTHING that I COULD DO that would bring me the fulfillment and happiness that I was seeking.
Over the course of a year or two, God brought me to a place of submission... He showed me that I couldn't do anything on my own.... that it wasn't about me.... that it was all about HIM. He took my marriage and security, he took my job, he took my comfort in alcohol, he took my mental health diagnosis and the pills that were covering up my mind and hardening my heart, he took the people who I loved and that I surrounded myself with, and he eventually took my desire to live.
Yeahhhhh, that was seriously the BEST and SCARIEST place I have ever been. Completely in the dark. Completely at a loss - not dependent. not emotional. not seeking. not anything.... just accepting of the void. I accepted where I was and I thought that meant that I was going to be DEAD. I didn't have plans to kill myself, per se, I just thought it was over. I was saying goodbye to my family at Christmas... so weird... but I was.
A few days later, on January 2, 2010, I attended the consecration service at Journey Church and actually, literally, truly, for REAL, finally admitted my inadequacy and SURRENDERED my WHOLE life in the name of JESUS for the GLORY of GOD.
I haven't been the same since.
:) :) :)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Peeling Away
I was reflecting on how it seems like today God is peeling me away from what I started to wrap myself into (namely sin). I didn't REALIZE it was sin... I thought it was harmless... but before I knew it, it had control of my thoughts and then my heart. I gave myself away to it- so much so that it distracted me from spending my energy worshiping Jesus, and instead I spent my thoughts daydreaming about things that don't even exist (playing the "if this happens, then maybe this could happen, and then if this happens, then all this thinking would be worthwhile." GAH! It's VANITY!) Oh, but it felt so good....
BLECH!! SIN!!!! :(
Ugh. I was (and am) so deceived! Thank the LORD that HE knows my thoughts better than I do. He knows my heart and my motives and the depths of my desires. He is protecting me. He is showing me me and then lovingly stepping in to guide me onto the path of TRUTH. I really am such a dumb little sheep (baaahhhh).
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
BLECH!! SIN!!!! :(
Ugh. I was (and am) so deceived! Thank the LORD that HE knows my thoughts better than I do. He knows my heart and my motives and the depths of my desires. He is protecting me. He is showing me me and then lovingly stepping in to guide me onto the path of TRUTH. I really am such a dumb little sheep (baaahhhh).
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
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