Testimony Pieces

God is revealing more and more of my testimony to me (isn't that funny? HE is revealing it to ME... showing me who I have been and who I am in Him. :))  I felt like He wanted me to start writing it down so I'm gonna try.... I'll try to keep it succinct! :)

First of all, He has been revealing to me more about some of the trials and tribulations that He took me through to show me how I need to rely on HIM (not myself). He continues to show me my heart which is being refined from its state of pride, selfishness, and self-reliance.

Today God reminded me that He had me laid off from my job... twice. (This may be my pride speaking, but I really want to make clear that both of the layoffs were on good terms. For one of them, I had just earned the Chairman's Award for one of my projects which brought in an additional $19million dollars that year. The company was downsizing my department and I was invited to join a different team, but I chose to be laid off. In the other job I was a program director and was successfully making my program famous and functional but our Executive Director made some bad choices which resulted in 75% of the staff, including my program, being let go. I just want to note that I was darn good at whatever I did. <-- Okay- yeah- this is DEFINITELY my pride speaking! ;)) Well... let me keep going.... because I never connected the loss of those [awesome] jobs at as being from God, but it most CERTAINLY was. He was trying to break me of my aforementioned pride. At the time, I looked at the layoffs as opportunities for a new beginning and proudly took control of both instances- moving and/or starting new businesses and looking for new ways to fulfill myself instead of putting my trust in the Lord. I find it interesting that I didn't see that until now. God is SO AWESOME the way He peels us like onions.... revealing one little piece at a time. Those layoffs were HARD times in my life, but I played my little games, trying to make the most of every circumstance. :)

One thing I definitely want to address is the undercurrent throughout my life which has been the DESPERATE DESIRE to attain the "approval" of my parents. I think this was a huge idol for me and I can see how I put them in front of God. I never officially attained their approval... but now I rejoice in the secure love of my Heavenly Father- PRAISE HIM!!! Interestingly, the more I love God, the more my parents seem to approve of me (and I do not think of them as followers (yet)--- God has a plan for them though! He wants their whole hearts!!)

Okay, let me start this "testimony" right.... let's talk about the "God-shaped hole". <--- You can't go wrong starting a testimony off talking about that! :) This is the deep and all consuming hole in our soul which we humans try and try and try to fill with the things of this earth and things of the flesh- none of which really "scratches the itch".

I tried to fill said "God-shaped hole" in my heart with substances - drugs and inhuman amounts of alcohol. I tried to fill it with food. I tried to find understanding in mental health diagnosis' ("Ah! So THAT'S the reason I am the way I am- let me take a little pill to "fix" me"). I had relationships and sex outside of marriage including three years as a homosexual. I also tried to fill my hole with supposedly GOOD things such as fun experiences (I became a snowboarder, skydiver, adventurer, traveled extensively, etc.). I used education and work (at one time I was working three jobs (I worked at an amusement park (my heritage), while I taught acting at a renowned theater (my passion), while holding up my career as a project manager at a top-of-the-line insurance company (my pride) all while working on my master's degree (my future). I kept heaping it on... trying to learn and experience my way to true understanding. 

At one point I even used CHURCH as a way to fill the hole. In my attempts to patch our lives and to be good (a good wife, a good daughter, a good person), we joined a church (really, we JOINED out of desperation, but [I] remained for a pious sense of being being "good".) I was very active in my church - moreso when my husband and I decided to join the launch team of a church plant. I built websites, filmed and edited services for TV, produced and directed 3-camera set-ups, handled volunteers, sang on the worship team, worked with our youth group and whatever else needed to get done. Funny thing- NONE OF THAT helped me get to know Jesus.

Freedom and fulfillment didn't come until God took all of that other stuff away... until He showed me that it wasn't ANYTHING that I COULD DO that would bring me the fulfillment and happiness that I was seeking.

Over the course of a year or two, God brought me to a place of submission... He showed me that I couldn't do anything on my own.... that it wasn't about me.... that it was all about HIM.  He took my marriage and security, he took my job, he took my comfort in alcohol, he took my mental health diagnosis and the pills that were covering up my mind and hardening my heart, he took the people who I loved and that I surrounded myself with, and he eventually took my desire to live.

Yeahhhhh, that was seriously the BEST and SCARIEST place I have ever been. Completely in the dark. Completely at a loss - not dependent. not emotional. not seeking. not anything.... just accepting of the void. I accepted where I was and I thought that meant that I was going to be DEAD. I didn't have plans to kill myself, per se, I just thought it was over. I was saying goodbye to my family at Christmas... so weird... but I was.

A few days later, on January 2, 2010, I attended the consecration service at Journey Church and actually, literally, truly, for REAL, finally admitted my inadequacy and SURRENDERED my WHOLE life in the name of JESUS for the GLORY of GOD.

I haven't been the same since.


:) :) :)