Did I miss September?

I guess I missed a month of blogging... that's fine. I'd miss another month if I could, but I just felt prompted to write... I guess I'll just tell me where I'm at.

I CAN'T TELL ME WHERE I'M AT BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'm waiting.
Waiting on God to show me where I'm at.

I must battle bitterness and resentment and focus on earthly circumstances that don't matter. I must keep my eyes and thoughts fixed on the LORD.

I left Pittsburgh a month ago to come back here to deal with the house (when I told Le'Anna that I needed to come home for 2 weeks between Pittsburgh and Africa, she told me she was moving out... she didn't want anything to do with me... so I HAD to come home to deal with the house and help Corie (who is separated from Kenneth and she was staying here (at Milky Way) until Marcia could move out of Page's duplex)). When I got back, Le'Anna saw that I hadn't turned into a demon and she loved me once again. She then got engaged and planned on staying here. Anyway, I'm inundated with the WORLD... with garbage...with things vieing for my attention and stealing it from my study and pursuit of God.

Today I wondered if my pursuit of God is akin to taking the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Am I not resting in the shadow of the Tree of Life.... the gift GIVEN to me of GOD? We as humans ate that darn fruit (knowledge of good and evil) and then Jesus saved us... gave us a way back to the garden to eat of the Tree of LIFE. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

I must TRUST GOD. JUMP into HIS arms... He will hold me.

I must continue to study the WORD. I am supposed to be RESTING and purifying my body and mind now. This kind goes out by prayer and fasting. <--- does that apply? I don't know. I'm supposed to count the cost. Tyrone is my next adventure. I must be willing to die to myself and let God- His LOVE- live through me. It will be a difficult and painful battle... or it could be if my will continues to rise up. My "will" rises up. My "self" rises up. My "pride" rises up. I'm despicable.

So Le'Anna is moving out now... yesterday she wasn't...today she is. She needs to do what is best for her and Glory... mostly she needs to OBEY GOD. I have not been influencing her (or trying my best NOT TO influence her and just to point her back to God to make her decisions). God's will be done in all our lives. Every decision has a consequence that affects ourselves and others. MY decisions had consequences... the decision to go to Pittsburgh had LOTS of PAINFUL consequences for many of my friends here, but I believe God used it to draw them closer to Him... to break them. I was a vessel for dishonor...possibly... but I pray that I will ultimately be a vessel unto HONOR.

I have a job in Pittsburgh for 4 more days. If I had a place to live, I would go back there. My apartment was rented out. If the woman doesn't move in (today), then I'll go back there. I'm secretly hoping that she won't move in. I want direction. I want peace. I want to know what is next. I don't like being blind.

Have BLIND FAITH, Carissa. BELIEVE.

Tyrone's Dad is all by himself... we must love him. I think that I am supposed to move up there to help Mr. Miller and prepare for Tyrone to be released from prison. When he is, then my life will be his... I will exist to pour out the Father's love on and into Tyrone despite the difficulties that we will face. He will battle addiction, his past, and many many enemies that want to destroy his future.

I don't want to move. I'm comfortable here. COM-FORT-ABLE. It's sick. I'm comfortable. I want to live in luxury. So many of God's kids are suffering and living in poverty and I am sitting here in my plush house in my new workout clothes and typing on my fancy computer. I am despicable (I think I mentioned that already).

Regarding Tyrone-

"Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said "For this cause shall a man leave Father and Mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh"? Wherefor they are no more twian, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." - Matthew 19:4-6 

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

I trust that God brought Tyrone and I together for His purposes. Let me and my laziness and selfish pursuits and fleshly desires not put this asunder. Our enemies will stop at nothing to keep us apart if it is God's will that we be united.

Have I told you about Tyrone? He came into my life in mid-August. I should do a separate post about him. I will. No, I won't. Not now. Not yet. I'll just tell you that he is my soul-mate, my partner, given to me through divine intervention. God brought us together and we both knew immediately that we were God's perfect gift for a spouse for one another. --->Not that we are perfect or that we will be everything we wanted in the flesh/world, but we are GOD'S PERFECT GIFT and PROVISION for one another. I think that this love is going to come with a hefty price tag... what God has shown me is that Tyrone is like Joe but WORSE as far as addictions and the poison of the flesh goes.... but he's also like Joe but BETTER spiritually. He is God's beautiful and precious son and the Lord has great plans for him... I want to say that he'll be a pastor or writer or something GREAT... but that that may not be what glorifies God the most- I think that glorifies Carissa. I'm so twisted. Perhaps Tyrone and I will be slum-dogs, living in poverty with no friends.... the Son of man had no where to lay His head. (I should hope for this. I want our lives to bring glory to GOD. I want to please HIM.) Anyway... it's uncanny the similarities that are between Joe and Tyrone. I feel like this is a "second chance" so-to-speak with God. I didn't have the relationship with Him when I was married that I have now. I didn't know Him enough to lay down my life and marriage for Him. Now I will to. Tyrone has a brain injury (so does Joe) - they both dated women that were 17 years older than them prior to dating me (meaning they both probably have mom issues) - they were both in the military but discharged - neither of them had a college degree (Joe has since gotten one) - they both suffer with alcohol and drug addictions, and porn addictions, and anything else they could use to fill the black hole addictions. I think they both have/had anger/rage issues. Law issues. UGH. Tyrone's "issues" are worse. But the more we are forgiven, the more appreciative we are of God (Luke 7:47).  Okay... now this has turned into a whine fest. I am NOT whining. I am GRATEFUL. God made me for a reason- He gave me a purpose. I failed Him before... He, in His infinite mercy, has given me another chance. This time I must persevere through the Spirit and in Truth. My life must be hid with God in Christ. I love Tyrone because God first loved me.

I will to love him with my whole heart, mind, soul, and strength.... I will to love him as I love God. I will to love God first and Tyrone second and both with agape love that comes from the Creator Himself. I will to love others as myself. Tyrone is an other- but he is also myself. We are united in Christ.

I'm also united in Christ to many brothers and sisters... I must love them and not hate them. (Lord, show me how to love them. Open my eyes. Create in me a clean heart and renew my loyalties. I pray for You to wash me clean- wash away my iniquities and give me the grace to walk in newness of life- to walk in Jesus Christ. Help me to understand what that means if it is your will for me to understand. If it is not, please take away my desire. My will and desire is to be with you always - to be of use to you and to honor you with my life. You can use stones to "be of use to you", I know. I'm sorry. Yes. I pray that I would bring you honor and glory forever. I pray for a surrendered heart and a vessel meet for use. I need more grace, Lord. I am a sinner- I am so weak- I pray for more belief and more faith. I pray for your LOVE to pour into me and for me to have a willing heart to let it pour out- Help me not to be selfish and prideful and hold onto things for myself. I am selfish and prideful and lazy, Lord. I want to die. I want Carissa to pass away and for Christ to live through me so that I may glory with Him. <--Lord, show me what this means... do I understand correctly? Colossians 3:4. Teach me the TRUTH Lord so that I may worship you correctly. I don't want to be a sheep that goes astray. I am willing to be a scattered sheep in the wilderness, but don't let me go. Please don't let me go astray. Bring me back to the fold. Bring me back to graze with my eternal shepherd. Amen.)

Anyway, we'll see what happens... I'm torn up about what the church is supposed to look like and where I fit in. I want so badly to go back to Journey, but I believe that God showed me that that was my Egypt, so I cannot go back. Willing or toying with going back is bad enough and worthy of punishment.

My house is here (Raleigh). My family is here. My friends and support system are here. My love is in Pennsylvania. My assignment is there. My love's Dad (who may be a part of my assignment) is in Pennsylvania. They are on the EAST side of Pennsylvania. My JOB is on the WEST side. God's will be done. God's will be done. I must just keep saying that.

I must just keep TRUSTING GOD.