Seeeeeeee, here's the lesson I learned:
I have expectations that I want fulfilled out of life (in any given circumstance). When things don't go according to my expectations, what I do NOW is try to change the THINGS... I try to change LIFE to meet MY expectations. I try to manipulate people and situations to make it fit into the box that I think it should be in in for my expectations to be fulfilled.
What I SHOULD be doing is changing my expectations (something that I have control over for myself) to fit the circumstances instead of trying to change LIFE (which means changing or manipulating other people) to fit what I think should be!! See?!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The Stabbing Incident
Remember the stabbing incident. Anger abounded in me. I was filled up with anger and hatred and ugliness and I started to journal and then I started to YELL at (in) my journal and then I started to STAB my journal! I stabbed and it felt so good!!! I stabbed and STABBED and STABBED and stabbed and the pen came to pieces in my hand and ink went everywhere and it felt GOOD! I came downstairs and SCREAMED and hit the walls with a pillow and it felt so good!!! And then I went outside under the stars and CRIED and MOANED to my Daddy and it felt so good.
Tyrone came down while I was hitting the walls with a pillow. (It was VERY loud.. I liked it.) It felt good. I had so much anger...I was fired from stupid It's Just Lunch yesterday. I failed and I hate that. I didn't want to play their game. I don't want to "sell" anything except GOD. God is the only One who is worthy to be praised or exalted.
Tyrone held me on the stairs as I cried. He just held me. Then we had sex and that helped. He is my soul mate and gift from God and I don't treat him like it. I treat him badly. Like a child. I belittle him and tell him all the things he does wrong. I ignore him. I destroy him. I hurt him to make myself feel better. I feed my ugly flesh in that way. He is patient and a gift from God. A true gift.
Follow God. Wait on Him. He will show me where to go to church and when. Just go where He tells me to go. God, you are my Lord.
I need understanding... I want clarity.... I want to KNOW... but God wants me to TRUST HIM. HIM. Trust HIM. Walk blindly. Follow. Trust. Just like a child. Have faith. God will lead me where I need to go. Put no confidence in the flesh. Trust God. Love Him.
Go take a shower and go to Church In The Woods!! :)
Tyrone came down while I was hitting the walls with a pillow. (It was VERY loud.. I liked it.) It felt good. I had so much anger...I was fired from stupid It's Just Lunch yesterday. I failed and I hate that. I didn't want to play their game. I don't want to "sell" anything except GOD. God is the only One who is worthy to be praised or exalted.
Tyrone held me on the stairs as I cried. He just held me. Then we had sex and that helped. He is my soul mate and gift from God and I don't treat him like it. I treat him badly. Like a child. I belittle him and tell him all the things he does wrong. I ignore him. I destroy him. I hurt him to make myself feel better. I feed my ugly flesh in that way. He is patient and a gift from God. A true gift.
Follow God. Wait on Him. He will show me where to go to church and when. Just go where He tells me to go. God, you are my Lord.
I need understanding... I want clarity.... I want to KNOW... but God wants me to TRUST HIM. HIM. Trust HIM. Walk blindly. Follow. Trust. Just like a child. Have faith. God will lead me where I need to go. Put no confidence in the flesh. Trust God. Love Him.
Go take a shower and go to Church In The Woods!! :)
Monday, January 2, 2012
For the Record
I've backslidden.
I'm lost.
I'm married.
I'm pursuing MAN for the truth.
I'm meeting with Jehovah's Witnesses to study the Bible tonight. With the "Local Church" to study on Friday. I met with a Catholic a few days ago. (All this WITH Tyrone. So it's not just "I", it's "we", but I'm dragging him.)
I'm sure I'm supposed to be in Pittsburgh. I never grew more than when I was there. I need to study the Bible for myself. I need not be inviting other heresy into my life. I have enough to work through already.
I'm a mess.
I'm carnal...fleshly... focused on the things of this world. I have divided interests. I have demonic thoughts (I even had a suicidal thought a week or so ago). I'm controlling, greedy, manipulative, cruel, emotional, selfish, prideful and mean (and much more, I'm sure).
I've backslidden.
I need to spend time with God first and last each day.
I need to pray in the Spirit.
I need to walk Rue... go on walks with Rue and God.
I need to go to the gym.
I need to die to mySELF.
What little understanding I've been given is being taken away.
I start a new job next week as a Dating Coordinator (or something) for It's Just Lunch. Sales. Trust God. Love Tyrone. I hate it. I want to crawl under a rock. I want to go back to Pittsburgh.
I don't want to be married. I hate it. I hate it. I constantly compare what I'm doing FOR him to what he is doing (or not doing) FOR me. ME. I'm selfish. ME ME ME.
GOD has provided for both of us.
I keep blaming Tyrone (in my heart) for "taking advantage of me".... because he doesn't do anything... I shelter and feed him. I drive him whereever he wants to go. (He has been volunteering at Christian Library International- a gift to them and to him... really... a good thing!) But I hold it over his head as though I'M doing anything. Really, God is providing for BOTH of us. GOD is providing for US. I have added protection with Tyrone as my husband- he seems to be highly favored by God.
I don't know. He's mentally ill. He's not right in the head. Sometimes he is brilliant and speaks marvelous spiritual truths. Other times he doesn't even know when he started believing. I think this is a gift... he could be prideful (like me) if he knew that he has been pursuing God for a while. I think it turns on and off. I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm babbling.
I'm just documenting that I have BACKSLIDDEN. I'm lost. Sinful. A MESS. In need of a SAVIOR... God, please give me GRACE. RESCUE me!! Please! I can't even help anyone else because all I can see is my own MESS! I'm drowning. Now I'm drowning in self-pity.
I don't want to meet with the Jehovah's Witnesses anymore. I only like that they don't believe in the Trinity. I HATE that they base their "truth" on the Watchtower Society.
God will show me the truth.
By the way, God showed me today that my Old Testament/SHADOW of what was to come was that I seek to please MEN. I desire the approval of man. But the NEW TESTAMENT rendering of that is that I seek the approval of... to please... GOD!!! May I live under the New Covenant.
May I seek the TRUTH.
Forget men.
The prophets had no one... I don't need anyone to stand with me... I must be faithful to the LORD MY GOD, and STOP SINNING!!!! My behavior- my dirty heart - is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Love God.
Hate Sin.
PRAISE THE LORD!!
God, teach me who "the Lord" is. I must love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul, strength... but WHO is the Lord? Is Jesus LORD? He is. Do I worship Him? Is that right? I must worship YOU- the ONE TRUE GOD! The/my Creator. Teach me the truth so that I may worship You in Spirit and in Truth.
Please help me.
Protect - keep - hedge me about from the lies of the world.
All I need to do is love, honor, and obey YOU.
...ack. :( and now Tyrone too. Oh no. Yes. Thank you. You're right. Help me Lord God.
Forgive me.
Help me.
Please comfort Carrie Ann and Lindsey and their whole family as they suffer through the loss of their little brother who killed himself yesterday. Father, I don't understand this world. Please help me to love others well. I've forsaken Ken, a brother, and I confess and repent. I will text him now. Strengthen your servants. Give us courage and peace and security in You. May we abide in Christ. Teach us what that means. Amen.
I'm not gonna proof this- gotta go. It's emotional smut anyway... I need YOU, LORD. Please help.
<3
I'm lost.
I'm married.
I'm pursuing MAN for the truth.
I'm meeting with Jehovah's Witnesses to study the Bible tonight. With the "Local Church" to study on Friday. I met with a Catholic a few days ago. (All this WITH Tyrone. So it's not just "I", it's "we", but I'm dragging him.)
I'm sure I'm supposed to be in Pittsburgh. I never grew more than when I was there. I need to study the Bible for myself. I need not be inviting other heresy into my life. I have enough to work through already.
I'm a mess.
I'm carnal...fleshly... focused on the things of this world. I have divided interests. I have demonic thoughts (I even had a suicidal thought a week or so ago). I'm controlling, greedy, manipulative, cruel, emotional, selfish, prideful and mean (and much more, I'm sure).
I've backslidden.
I need to spend time with God first and last each day.
I need to pray in the Spirit.
I need to walk Rue... go on walks with Rue and God.
I need to go to the gym.
I need to die to mySELF.
What little understanding I've been given is being taken away.
I start a new job next week as a Dating Coordinator (or something) for It's Just Lunch. Sales. Trust God. Love Tyrone. I hate it. I want to crawl under a rock. I want to go back to Pittsburgh.
I don't want to be married. I hate it. I hate it. I constantly compare what I'm doing FOR him to what he is doing (or not doing) FOR me. ME. I'm selfish. ME ME ME.
GOD has provided for both of us.
I keep blaming Tyrone (in my heart) for "taking advantage of me".... because he doesn't do anything... I shelter and feed him. I drive him whereever he wants to go. (He has been volunteering at Christian Library International- a gift to them and to him... really... a good thing!) But I hold it over his head as though I'M doing anything. Really, God is providing for BOTH of us. GOD is providing for US. I have added protection with Tyrone as my husband- he seems to be highly favored by God.
I don't know. He's mentally ill. He's not right in the head. Sometimes he is brilliant and speaks marvelous spiritual truths. Other times he doesn't even know when he started believing. I think this is a gift... he could be prideful (like me) if he knew that he has been pursuing God for a while. I think it turns on and off. I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm babbling.
I'm just documenting that I have BACKSLIDDEN. I'm lost. Sinful. A MESS. In need of a SAVIOR... God, please give me GRACE. RESCUE me!! Please! I can't even help anyone else because all I can see is my own MESS! I'm drowning. Now I'm drowning in self-pity.
I don't want to meet with the Jehovah's Witnesses anymore. I only like that they don't believe in the Trinity. I HATE that they base their "truth" on the Watchtower Society.
God will show me the truth.
By the way, God showed me today that my Old Testament/SHADOW of what was to come was that I seek to please MEN. I desire the approval of man. But the NEW TESTAMENT rendering of that is that I seek the approval of... to please... GOD!!! May I live under the New Covenant.
May I seek the TRUTH.
Forget men.
The prophets had no one... I don't need anyone to stand with me... I must be faithful to the LORD MY GOD, and STOP SINNING!!!! My behavior- my dirty heart - is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Love God.
Hate Sin.
PRAISE THE LORD!!
God, teach me who "the Lord" is. I must love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul, strength... but WHO is the Lord? Is Jesus LORD? He is. Do I worship Him? Is that right? I must worship YOU- the ONE TRUE GOD! The/my Creator. Teach me the truth so that I may worship You in Spirit and in Truth.
Please help me.
Protect - keep - hedge me about from the lies of the world.
All I need to do is love, honor, and obey YOU.
...ack. :( and now Tyrone too. Oh no. Yes. Thank you. You're right. Help me Lord God.
Forgive me.
Help me.
Please comfort Carrie Ann and Lindsey and their whole family as they suffer through the loss of their little brother who killed himself yesterday. Father, I don't understand this world. Please help me to love others well. I've forsaken Ken, a brother, and I confess and repent. I will text him now. Strengthen your servants. Give us courage and peace and security in You. May we abide in Christ. Teach us what that means. Amen.
I'm not gonna proof this- gotta go. It's emotional smut anyway... I need YOU, LORD. Please help.
<3
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