The Stabbing Incident

Remember the stabbing incident. Anger abounded in me. I was filled up with anger and hatred and ugliness and I started to journal and then I started to YELL at (in) my journal and then I started to STAB my journal! I stabbed and it felt so good!!! I stabbed and STABBED and STABBED and stabbed and the pen came to pieces in my hand and ink went everywhere and it felt GOOD! I came downstairs and SCREAMED and hit the walls with a pillow and it felt so good!!! And then I went outside under the stars and CRIED and MOANED to my Daddy and it felt so good.

Tyrone came down while I was hitting the walls with a pillow. (It was VERY loud.. I liked it.) It felt good. I had so much anger...I was fired from stupid It's Just Lunch yesterday. I failed and I hate that. I didn't want to play their game. I don't want to "sell" anything except GOD. God is the only One who is worthy to be praised or exalted.

Tyrone held me on the stairs as I cried. He just held me. Then we had sex and that helped. He is my soul mate and gift from God and I don't treat him like it. I treat him badly. Like a child. I belittle him and tell him all the things he does wrong. I ignore him. I destroy him. I hurt him to make myself feel better. I feed my ugly flesh in that way. He is patient and a gift from God. A true gift.

Follow God. Wait on Him. He will show me where to go to church and when. Just go where He tells me to go. God, you are my Lord.

I need understanding... I want clarity.... I want to KNOW... but God wants me to TRUST HIM. HIM. Trust HIM. Walk blindly. Follow. Trust. Just like a child. Have faith. God will lead me where I need to go. Put no confidence in the flesh. Trust God. Love Him.

Go take a shower and go to Church In The Woods!! :)