Let's see what comes up today

So far:

12:26 - Divine Feminine (also pulled that as an Angel Card last night. Paul's card was "Giving and Receiving"). 

12:33 12:43 12:43 11:11 13:13

"Almost Home" - Jeremy Camp

14:13 "we are almost home"

heart activations - both of us. He's going to have physical ascension symptoms...God, please guard and comfort my beloved. 14:14 We just need to be together. 

Now "HAVASI - Coming Home" came on.

I see a theme. 2:44

WHOA. I shared that with Paul about the song playing and he said "this is what's playing here" and it is Ozzy Osbourne's "Mama, I'm Coming Home"!! 

GODDDDD!!! Mind blown! 

You see how God speaks... next up was this "Where is Matt" "TRIP THE LIGHT" JOYFUL SONG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwe-pA6TaZk 

And now is this year's mission song: I have come to "Build A Bridge" - Nahko

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=eoTX5ff9Ze0&feature=share

Amazing!!

BE IN THE FLOW. IN THE FLOW! 

One of "MY PIECES" is "Indigenous peoples".... for sure.

3:44 Did I tell you I got $1492.50 today... part of a check from CardsToCash. I will all that toward's Paul's move... and gave him $500 the other day... that's $2K. That's GOT to be enough to support this! I think we both...okay, especially him... have an opportunity to overcome some poverty consciousness. 3:48

ME, I just need to be in JOY. In the FLOW. Stay out of negative ego and manipulation and fear... just let God lead and I just stay connected to my divine purpose. I don't need to push/pull. Chillax dear one! IN LOVE.

I listened to this past weekend's ascension broadcast call - maybe 30-40 minutes of it on my drive to the bank and back and it was such a good reminder. Thank you God! I'm torn because I want to share with Paul, but again, that's me pushing... just let him learn and live his lessons in his own way. He'll ASK or be drawn to hearing what I hear if it's the will of his HS. Otherwise just know that the information is for me and also, I feel that as I integrate it in myself, since we are connected, in a way it must touch him. 

4:44

Aw. So amazing to just gaze into Paul's eyes. He called and it was wonderful to connect and talk and plan...

5:55

"Cirice" - Ghost
"I can feel the thunder that's breaking in your heart, I can see through the scars inside you." 6:16 - remember Kelsey's Chris's scars?

Dance Macabre - what's happened to me? I really LIKE GHOST!

"Life Eternal" - beautiful song about letting go ... transitioning ...and being loved forever. 7:08 6:33 6:44

7:43 7:47 7:48

12/24 DOES seem like a good date to come together....well, he'd leave at 12/24 and get here on 12/25... but I could live vicariously through him and get him a first class ticket which would be amazing!!

Waiting on quote. 7:54

____

11:18

PAUL IS COMING HERE 12/25!! He and Manson are flying in in 3.5 weeks!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

(and yes...he's flying first class, just how my honey should fly!! Thank you God!)

Now I need to clean up my diet. (As I heat up one of Michael's cinnamon rolls... I'm stress eating.)

Just talked to Elaine for like 2 hours... maybe an hour and a half... and it was AMAZING!! What a beautiful soul! 

O.M.G.

23:24

11:33

12:02 CANDIDA... SUGAR. ENOUGH. Sinuses are clogging, body is clogging... no bueno... RECLAIM MY HEALTH, PREPARE FOR MY LOVER TO JOIN ME. CLEAN BODY, MIND, SPIRIT, AND HOME. 

12/1 12:21

00:22

12:22

12:23 

I do not care for cinnamon rolls and I ate THREE of them today. Gross. Yeah. I'm reclaiming my health now. It's 12. It's December. It's Ophicus. I'm not doing this to myself - I'm NOT an addict. I do NOT consent to these poor decisions. I am strong. I LOVE MYSELF. Love = CARE. NOT what I did to myself, that was CARELESS...careLESS. No more.

___

REMEMBER: AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Spirit_of_Humility

Also noticed that this is leading to the decline in "temperance"... thank you Guardians for guiding and supporting me.

Note, I don't need to fear what Paul is doing right now. It's his life and path. I have to remain aligned to MINE. If he wants to talk to other women, if he wants to smoke pot, if he wants to do whatever it is he's doing, it's NOT MY BUSINESS. It's his and I have no cords or need to control him. "I release control and surrender to the flow of love, that will heal me."

No fear. No control. No manipulation.

YES SLEEP.

It's weird that he didn't want to pick up via FaceTime and then he didn't want to talk and said goodnight at 8pm his time...that's why I'm all weird...I'm just noting it but I'm letting it go. The man made a HUGE commitment to me today to uproot his whole life and move HERE with ME. If he's got to get something out of his system...or not...if he's got to do whatever it is his soul is bringing to the surface for him to work with, SO BE IT. My work is SURRENDER and letting go of LUNAR and ACCEPTING PAUL (and ME) in this moment, just the way we are. That's it.

12:55 - time for bed. I finally finished all the resumes. Yay!

Psychic Attack

"Swirl Me In Your Mind" - Ayla Nero

So much "psychic attack" around Paul. What are my "fears"?

Feeling like maybe he needs to date some other people to find out what he really wants because maybe I'm not it. (Then I'm perpetuating the attack that he is sustaining.... and putting him in harm's way - these people may be jabbed. Already did Charlotte pick up on that jab frequency in his lightbody? Did he pick up some of that (graphene or spike proteins or whatever) from someone else he slept with? 

I don't want to drink cum every day. I don't want to drink cum at all.

I want to be healthy and balanced - I just want to be with Paul. AHHHH. He's my guy. I know he is. He's my heart. He's my soul's counterpoint... my monadic counterpoint. The ONE. Designed to work with me to heal ourselves and our earth in LOVE.

Charlotte said I have a CHOICE, and I feel that. I want to choose the HIGHEST AND BEST and MOST IMPACTFUL timeline and service. I don't want to fear hard work. I am IN. God's will be done. 

"Losing My Religion" - Lauren Daigle

"No more performing out of fear. I'm trying to keep my conscience clear."

I've just got to LOVE Paul. He needs my confidence!!! But I need his. And that's okay. That's why it sucks that we aren't closer. But this is all perfect and divine too. And I can't have any attachment to outcome. GOD'S WILL BE DONE!!!

I've been an actor on the stage
Playing a role I have to play
I'm getting tired, it's safe to say
Living behind a masquerade

No more performing out of fear
I'm trying to keep my conscience clear
It all seems so insincere
I'd trade it all to meet You here

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion

Light a match and watch it burn
To Your heart I will return
No one can love me like You do (no no no no no no)
So why would I want a substitute

I'm losing my religion
And finding something new
Cause I need something different
And different looks like You

_____

"Take It Slow" - Ayla Nero 
"Don't turn away from yourself by being like somebody else."

I don't believe in or want to try to seek bliss or connection through pain. That is a reversal. It is inorganic. God showed me. I don't want to hurt each other. I want to love, serve, wash, heal each other.

I don't want to drink cum. I want to pleasure and honor and love Paul's member (well, PAUL, through his pleasure center)...but this is such a big part of his understanding of intimacy. We need to work this out. 

I don't want to do a "bait and switch" with him. I want to be honest. I want to explore each other's bodies and limits - tantric sex, etc. is totally on the table - but PAIN is a distortion.

SO I wondered if he should be with these other people if he wants to keep exploring that because I know in my heart of hearts that I am his and he is mine. I just don't know if now is the time - I would rather wait for him to get that out of his system so we start on a firm foundation of LOVE. 

The problem is the whole jab agenda...it's possible he already has some frequencies from the vaccine in his body...which means I may too now... I was careless. I trust my body to heal it out...and his body to heal it out of him. BUT if he is with more women it will increase the possibility of further damage. Even if the women themselves haven't been jabbed, it's likely they are sleeping with other people who have... it's a clusterfuck. 

SO by encouraging that I am putting my beloved at risk...but I also need to LET GO and trust the Universe and the process. I release control. 

From Charlotte Session today:

Key Themes: Polarity Integration, genetic pathcutting, Thoth, Black sun, Base 10, artificial tree of life, RA 8D damage, sub-harmonic band corrections, Alaska black sun grid miasma, 8D gold leaf crown solar goddess, Mercury, 1D solar system stargate, Hermes/Thoth, clearing birth imprint distortions from Mercury in natal chart, red chakra crystal rotation to clear blockages, Thothian anti-HG red cube technology, 1D anti-HG timeline collapse, Indigo Emerald Order Maji grail lineages, 8D clock shield realignments within the cosmic clock movements sourcing from 14D pale gold shield in God Source fields, Ophiuchus, Golden gate, Hub architecture/Krystal KAthedral aligning to galactic center, planetary alignments within Magnum opus cycle and Solstice, Milky way 666 seal beast machine, Abbadon, Yahweh matrix, reversal four, HU6 dark matter matrix universal mother, dismantling AI architecture within galactic planes, impact for Thothian black sun hybrid genetics, Gold sun body stabilisation, Strengthening 4D-7D auric bodies within the gold sun body, Celestine fire, Brain matrix, brain chemistry, transits from astral drug consciousness traps, clear miasma 4D body, repair heart chakra damage, chakra seed knocked off vertical staff alignment, clear sabotage, SA tones, Egypt, Thoth, hermeticism timeline, Mother Arc transit of core soul identity from trauma timeline

____

PS. 12:17 11/30 - I talked it through with Paul last night...all these fears and attacks. We FaceTimed for 2.5 hours (not enough) but it was wonderful. He surprises me more and more with his wisdom, discernment, brilliance, humor, understanding... I keep not giving him enough credit. I'm sorry God. 

Wolf and Paul

WOLF:

https://whatismyspiritanimal.com/spirit-totem-power-animal-meanings/mammals/wolf-symbolism-meaning/

The HU - Wolf Totem: https://vimeo.com/457227711

Paul represents and embodies WOLF. Growls like him when he releases. I need to understand the wolf's heart more...and see how it manifests in supporting my healing and growth. This seemed on point:

For Seekers who feel afraid or threatened, Wolf reminds us of how those feelings put our entire psyche off balance. Yes, fear plays an important role in personal safety unless it becomes all-consuming or is baseless. Don’t let the darkness consume your Spirit.

I need to process and share from my experience with Paul. I feel clogged up. I haven't even listened to my last Charlotte session and I have another one tomorrow. And all the stuff with Paul.... AH.

Today on my walk with the dogs I realized that this is so much what I signed up for... this is what we came for. To go into the dark... into that which is hard... and be the light. I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM. And Paul and I contracted to do this together... and we can support one another in sloughing off the chains that have kept us trapped. This is Seraphim reclamation and reclamation of the divine masculine. We are meant to do this together. It doesn't look like the counterfeit "Disney prince/princess" story. It looks a little more like Shrek...we are ogres with hearts of gold and all we need to do is LOVE...serve...give. Tikkun Olam. 

WE FOUND EACHOTHER. THAT IS HUGE!!! A MIRACLE!!! GOD, THE UNIVERSE, FOUND US - WE ARE ON TIME. Now is the time. Don't believe the LIES and psychic attack designed to destroy what was intended!! ARROWS OF DOUBT. LIES. We need to be together!! 

FEAR NOT.

We can overcome everything in LOVE. WITH LOVE. PAUL IS MY WOLF. FUCK EVERYONE ELSE WITH THEIR OPINIONS AND BLACK MAGIC AND DOUBTS... it's not about them. Corie helped me slough off Page's BM negative energy and Bobbi sent an image today that said that too.

Even my OWN EYES create doubts. I have to remember that we are MULTIDIMENSIONAL and we are perfectly suited for one another. When we are on the same timeline = magic. When we aren't, the witness of the other helps collapse and restore fragments to teleios. 

4:43

4:44 HEART HEALING. I feel more than ever that Paul is my soul's counterpoint...soul mate...monad mate... divine beloved. BUT it's not all rainbow and butterflies...that means that we are here to help each other HEAL in LOVE. It's the WORK of building our structure, our spiritual house, together... that's what we are meant to do. That's what "templating the hieros gamos union" means. It's the OUTPUT of our EFFORTS that is what we are doing.

It's NOT about CONSUMPTIVE MODELING which is what most of the earth relationships are about... what we've both been doing in our other relationships too. This was the first thing I was told and it's VERY IMPORTANT. 

We are polarity integrators. For sure. And he holds a lot of the "darkness" (which might really be the light...we've been living in an inversion.... I need to continue exploring this satan = light thing. Remember how I was really hung up on ...working with... the "angel of light" and "if the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness is!" And I hold more of the "light" but much of it is counterfeit or forced. 

When we relax into our natural states, we are yin/yang. And here to work with the reversals.

Oh yeah, that's what it was on the dog walk... I have been working to embody the divine feminine sophianic frequencies (to cast out the lunar forces and dark mother) in order to hold a field of love and healing for my beloved to correct the false king of tyranny masculine reversals and pain. THIS IS THE JOB...and the ONLY THING I HAVE TO DO IS LOVE AND ACCEPT PAUL JUST AS HE IS. NO questioning....no doubting...no judging... no trying to change... just LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Why is it so hard?

Because I'm in my masculine MIND. GET IN MY FEMININE HEART. 

And stop using my eyes and earth senses.... use my heart. "I SEE YOU"...that's what he says and longs to hear and I need to make sure it's truth. I need to SEE HIM.

We want to work with dianetics (or whatever it's called) to support our healing...we want to do that together. We just need to be together. But I trust God's DRT. Whatever needs to happen, I surrender to it. 
___

This is our song to me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXQHY-dnmfw (Jeanna Love, Love By Our Side).

Maybe just what we have - even distant - is enough to move the needle toward our healing. Maybe we need to be apart to heal? I don't know. Everything in DRT. Everything in DRO. Trust the process. 

____

SCRIPTING:

Paul arrived today - I can't believe how quickly the Universe opened MIRACULOUS doors to make a way for us to be together!! I'm so excited to have him here - everything is easy and filled with joy!
Manson, Rue, and Moses are INSTANT friends! They love eachother and us and we are so happy to all be here together! I am excited to continue building our spiritual house and am glad to be together to do so in the same home. Michael and Paul get along SO WELL! They are going to be good friends and we are all going to continue our consciousness expansion and reclamation of health and sovereignty. WE ARE GSF!

___

9:09

My focus needs to be on healing ME. On healing with and in and through UNITY with Paul and the fields we are attached to. 

I love Ubuntu and the ideology behind it - learning about it is great, but I need to keep focus on my own negative ego clearing, supporting the reclamation of my body (and mind and heart), and my connection to Source energy. Other stuff can be a distraction to keep me looping outside of the deep work within.

Do I share this with Paul? I do. 

9:11

Tomorrow I have a multidimensional healing session with Charlotte. I'm looking forward to hearing what she sees in my field in regards to Paul. Tonight's ES Ascension Gathering touched on things that I feel I've been working with this year - Dark Matter Template, Satanism...

You know what? I felt I was working with Luciferian energies so much earlier this year and Satanic energies this second part of the year. I wonder if that is tied to the electric and magnetic systems?

I believe I heard Satanic energy is more "feminine" ... and we are in the "magnetic" part of the year (which is also where this dark matter is strongest, I believe). Putting together pieces.

She talked quite a bit about Satanism and I know that's been a big part of my piece this season - feeling into it. And it's very tied to my beloved, Paul. Is Paul here as a conduit for gridwork or to build a spiritual house with to heal the world?

Allllllll the synchronicities .... all the numbers .... the love and connection we share.... the unique way we can help each other ... from sex and intimacy to connection to our higher selves to spiritual warfare ... to how he feels to be a mixture of all my ex-husbands....to the TIMING (We Are On Time)... this is exactly 10 years from the shot I had at HGU with Tyrone. Also, similar Seraphim/Fallen Angelic/Fallen Melchezidek blueprint. [big exhale]

God, you are in charge! Carissa, you are God! ha! Okay. Right. And Paul's right, I need to learn how to "Script" properly. 

AWWWW.... Paul bought me the "Script Your Life" Audible... look how sweet!

Also, the following constellations came up from the coordinates that draw my heart:
Adirondacks/Lake George = Aquarius

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Aquarius

Western North Carolina/Bravard = Sculptor (I liked that one better when I searched New Orleans and saw that Paul/New Orleans was also Sculptor.) 
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sculptor

Both are great!

Well I'm pooped. And poisoned. Ate a lot of crap. And run down. Need to rest. Will listen to some of this book and maybe talk to Paul 11/28/10:44 for a little bit. 
Need to overcome addiction program. Watch it. My energy is low so I use food to try to prop me up. Get back in my hara line/center. That's the ticket.

I DID have some chest pains come up today that would usually have scared me but today I felt into them and then laid with them as I experienced either some activations or plasma or transits. I almost enjoyed the process instead of fearing it. Thank you God. 

Beaver Moon and Lunar Eclipse and Tiamat

Feels very personal. From today's AG pick:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Tara

Tara and Tiamat

Tara and Tiamat aspects were companions in a Binary Star system in the higher dimensions. Binary Star Systems are common for ascending planets with advanced races. Tiamats explosion and destruction in the 5D universe, along with the planetary cataclysm of Tara, is the reason our planet earth descended and has an artificial satellite which is the Moon.

The 5D Earth Planet Tara was a sister planet to another 5D planet known as Tiamat of which her bodily remnants are located in the 5D Universe as the asteroid belt that is between the planet bodies known as Mars and Jupiter. The planet Maldek is the counterpart of the bodily remnants of Tiamat in the 3D Universe of which the asteroid belt exists between Mars and Jupiter. This means that the asteroid belt we see in the 3D Universe is Maldek's exploded planet, and the asteroid belt in the 5D Universe is Tiamat's exploded planetary body.

The Asteroid Belt with its comets move in a retrograde orbit, as does Nibiru. The Asteroid Belt has remained in the approximate place in the solar system as the former planet, Tiamat in 5D, and Maldek in 3D.

Tiamat was essentially the Taran 5D earth body Twin planet, and her consciousness was captured into Phantom Matrix and tethered to the Niburu planet trajectory in order to stabilize its orbit in our 3D Solar System. This Annunaki alien architecture between Tiamat and Nibiru is called Wormwood, which is used as an ET Outpost and its main structure is attached to planet Earth in the 11th Stargate NET in the United Kingdom, Stonehenge area. Nibiru is also called Marduk by the ancient Babylonians.

The Ascension Cycle transpiring on 3D Earth gives us the opportunity to reclaim these 5D fragments and consciousness pieces that were exploded and damaged in these cataclysms and Extradimensional wars.

Tonight is the "Beaver Moon". I sent Paul a "Beaver Sun" picture which was of me sunning my vag. Feeling bad about pushing/pulling energies (using female sexual energy to create a "rise" in a man). Lunar force energy. Need to see that and correct it.

It's also supposedly the longest partial lunar eclipse this century... 3 hours, 28 minutes and 23 seconds. Feels like that means something. Paul sent me a good article about it today:
https://www.thepeculiarbrunette.com/november-full-beaver-moon-spiritual-meaning-correspondences-and-rituals/

I am all packed and ready to go to Alaska in TWO DAYS!! AHHHH!! Yesterday I was not balanced and almost tried to move my ticket up to today. I got the most horrible pain in my abdomen - spirit saying DON'T DO IT. I think I need to stay here and finish the work I need to do...and also get to the other side of this moon. 

THIS is interesting too!

Earth and Taran Seedings

SEEDING TWO and SEEDING THREE 3 –5D Tara and 3D Earth

• Root Race 3 -Lemurians DNA STRAND 2

• Root Race 4 - Atlantian DNA STRAND 3

• Root Race 5 – Aryan DNA STRAND 4

• Root Race 6 – Muvarian DNA STRAND 5

• Root Race 7 – Paradisian/YunaSetis STRAND 6 (Future Earth)

_____

6:55 ... I saw 5:55 too... and 6:44
I'm ZAPPED. SAPPED. Was it from the PEMF machine that I watched for like an hour when Victoria did it for Kesa? Or the full moon energy? Or the massive hunk of steak that I ate? (Oh my gosh it was good!!) Or the kegel ball that I accidentally left in all afternoon? All of the above?

I can't even get through to feel into Paul but I just want to be close to him. I told the O'Malleys that I am an anarchist now and that he is and they said he's probably not an anarchist, he's probably a Liberaterian.... ha. I was like, "yep, maybe that". But I see this propensity in me to go for "shock value"... but I really don't understand any of this... anarchism...anarcho-satanism.... I HATE the words but I liked the premise. I need to keep quiet. I don't want to scare people away from my beloved. 

And I told them (the O'Malley's had me over for dinner) that it felt like THE MOST IMPORTANT meeting of my life.... and Jim was like "simmer down!" ....not those words, but something like "just take it easy... don't take it too seriously... just go have fun!" And he's right. But it still feels like the most important thing....Paul feels like the most important person. 

I need a salt bath. I need to finish my work so I can get a bath. I'm just deeeepleted!

Yeah.... my consciousness and energy is being used in the grids.

___

Note to Paul at 4:24am 

I'm hoping you are snoozing and think it's safe to send a message because your notifications should be off now. I've been up - mostly outside - lots of laying in the hammock with Moses and watching the moon and stars! The stars were the best part... as the moon was muted, the stars shined brighter and brighter! I even saw a few meteors! 

It's weird because I thought the shadow would go over the moon and the brightness would pop out the other side but it didn't... it covered it almost all the way and now seems to be retreating. Really interesting. I was glad to have Moses in the hammock with me watching this but I wished it was you (too)! 

Well, it's 4:24 and I think I'll try to go back to bed. I think I've been up since 2:24...

KIssses!

Personal Power

This MaMuse song just pierced through... God prepped my heart with two songs before and then this:

We cannot do this alone

No need to do this alone

Will you move when the voice inside you calls

And all the walls fall down

No need to do this alone

Will you move when the voice inside you calls

And all the walls fall down

No need to do this alone

I have been struggling through this discomfort of the mind related to FEAR. This morning I woke and knew I needed to talk to a sister and I shared with Diana which was so supportive and beautiful. She encouraged me in love - called me a Frodo and something about holding the ring of darkness for the light. And she called me a human crystal. She compassionately witnessed me and heard my heart.

I also shared with Candice who has also gone into the darkness to recover soul pieces. I haven't heard back from her, but I'm glad I shared with them.

I wasn't ready to share with Paul. I can't put my biwave on him. He's not strong enough. He has his own biwave. But I did hear from Source- that song. No need to do this alone. And will I move when the voice inside me call and the walls fall down. I know it's time for the walls to come down.

I know this is a choice between Princess Code or becoming the divine Queen I AM. To hold the field with my King. But these are lessons I have to keep walking through. Keep remembering to stay connected to Source and aligned with my PERSONAL POWER. 

https://energeticsynthesis.com/resource-tools/resource-tools-2/introductory-articles/1774-personal-power

LOVE Paul. Don't fear. 
I don't need to do anything I am not ready to and he won't make me. But if he does, whatever comes, if I remain aligned with the LIGHT - I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM - nothing can hurt me. I AM ETERNAL. I AM TIMELESS. I WILL NEVER DIE. 

My soul has come to feel into these energies and I have the strength and backing to do so. Do not let my negative ego mind take me off. Stay rooted in LOVE!

This is ME overcoming demons. 
You are so brave, Carissa. I love you! Love, ME! MUAH!

I need to go get some better kegel balls. My vagina is a weak gaping hole - no bueno... it's time to get her back in shape! Remember when we used to be able to squirt water across the bathtub with our vag muscles? Let's figure that out again!!

ps. AG and random picks today:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Psychology
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dragon_Lines#/random
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_One

So good!

___

Talking to Paul sucks... so much silence... but video chatting with him is amazing... so much can be seen in the silence. 

We just want to be together. Our souls do. My Carissa ego gets in the way. 4 days.

I got a new kegel exerciser...

___

Lots of 54's today... and 48's... and 24's. 

I've got to go to bed but should write about Paul more. He wanted me to show him how to shield and I ran through the statement of intention, a modified 12D shield, and Unity Vow and he said during that time he saw what looked like a purple field... like somewhere he'd been before... when I felt into it, it felt hyporborean/Gaian... thought of the 7D Violet Ray....anyway... I'm either being played by some entities or this guy is really special. 

Feels really special. I need to go and see. 
I think he's a shapeshifter though...like me. I think we have similar architecture and he's just going to keep growing and healing into the God-man he is. 10:54

I love his heart. I love his anarchism. I love his courage. I love his brain. I love his humor (even if I miss it often - the fact that he has a sense of humor is fantastic)! I just love HIM. Let's see how this goes....

ps. SIRIUS is INCREDIBLE! Shining and blinking the most vibrant colors at me tonight (and most nights)... tonight especially speaking to me. Light codes?

Regret

13:03

For just a moment... an hour.... I started to regret this whole massive life-shift. Michael was telling me something he was learning about water and consciousness and I was, again, blown away by the fact that he is really awakening! A year ago I didn't think it was possible. He spent his days watching TV and then it shifted to him tuning into the Trump drama but now he's constantly feeding himself new information, thank you God!!

The comfortable life we have here - especially because I live like a Princess - is very appealing as well. I have all that I could want and more. And I'm able to do my own consciousness work and growth and gridwork. Especially since we separated, I feel like I have all the benefits and little "to pay". This led me to guilt though... wanting Michael to be able to have someone to serve HIM...to love him...to want to make love to him. 

That wasn't me. Being with him felt all wrong with my soul - it made me hate myself, caused anxiety, and caused me to lash out at him which hurt him. This is the epitome of toxicity. 

It's strange because I agreed to merge with him under the guise of this "master/submissive" mentality and it looks good in pictures and words, but I know it slowly killed my soul. I had given away my power and being and ended up in the metatronic reversal. (This was also from the black heart from the relationship - enemy patterning and betrayal/abandonment with Tyrone.)

I needed to experience all this though. This was part of my life's path and mission. And it feels like maybe, just maybe NOW is the time that we get to template the HGU for REAL. I am going to Paul understanding we are both broken, I see his tastes (dom/sub too) and he sees my mess (anxiety and DM), but we both want to HEAL ONE ANOTHER IN LOVE. Genuinely. He is wise and handsome and spiritual and grounded and everything that I want and need. 

It's also going to challenge me to go beyond my laziness and princess code and to become a true servant... have a servant's heart of LOVE - service to others (STO).  I NEED this. This is part of the reclamation of the earth... it starts with the reclamation of my soul... the healing of the nephilim control-and-conquer consciousness. 

The Light that Michael has is bright and beautiful and I feel that our relationship helped heal him so his light could shine brighter and brighter. And I think the same will happen with Paul and I. We are going to merge and connect with eachother and the world and anchor higher and higher frequencies. I want to do this with Paul. I want to explore and learn and feel into this with Paul. I feel such strong love for him - like LOVE LOVE, not lust or infatuation, though there is a little of that, but I feel a DEEP SOULMELDING LOVE with him that was just THERE when we peeked under the rock. 

So. Fear not, beloved. Don't focus on what you are losing, focus on how you can appreciate and smash your whole heart into what you are gaining. This is what we came for.  1:16

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https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dragon_Line_Session

My AG pick of the day. I've seen this before and it feels very personal like this is my role too. Lots of amazing information. I was torn about sharing with Paul or not and I ended up doing it knowing he could discard what didn't resonate (probably the whole thing for now), but maybe something will stick as a code to unlock something. If he is my divine partner does he have the same "makeup" as me? Is he this too? 

___

I need to work on kiegels ... this is very serious. I was just jumping on my trampoline and peeing so much!!! So now I'm desperately trying to work on keigels!! Please don't let this metal mess me up!

___

Please do not see evil in Paul. Please do not give in to the lies and psychic attack!
SEE LOVE. HE IS LOVE. 
My job is to see him AS HE IS... LOVE... and stand by as he 9:28 continues to evolve and embody Source. No judgement. No trying to change anything. Just BE. 

____

10:53 - I've got to work this out...hash this out. I can't write fast enough in my journal. I'm freaking cold though so we'll see if I can type.... but MAN. I'm having trouble. Now the title of this journal entry is going to make even more sense. I regret buying a ticket to Alaska. I don't think I should go.

I just read a conglomeration of AG articles on Satanism, Baphomet, Thoth, etc... they were very telling and I see how I have, indeed, been brought into this energy here to learn about it and feel into it. There are Egyptian timelines buried in here. I keep thinking of the Priest Hermes connection which is, of course, Thoth. Sounds like Thoth is who influenced Crowley. Aiawass was a Grey Alien (remember the Grey standing by with a clipboard watching me the other day?)? 

Paul is inundated with these energies. He read me part of his book which was such an honor that he entrusted it to me, but there were disturbing parts in it - the cold blooded murder of a cat was very well-written and I feared that it was based in truth, but he said he would never hurt an animal and I also believe that.

I think we've got two things going on here... I think, again, if he has similar architecture to me, he's got the dual consciousnesses. His dark one is dark like mine... right? I mean, my Dark Mother and Satanic Reversal Mother consciousness is no joke. Absolutely a nightmare. Am I willing to stand by as he rehabilitates? That's the question. I wanted to say YES but now I'm scared... what if I get sucked in instead? Like what happened with Tyrone. These are much stronger forces than me. 11/15 11:00

We've been planning to make love, but now I'm not sure. His distortions and even today he was explaining about the pain/pleasure overlap or whatever... how pain gets registered as pleasure and maybe it overrides something. I don't know but I don't want to mess with my psyche... I'm trying to get myself back to wholeness ... this could be a really big step backwards.

OR it could be part of my job to help rescue my beloved out of the muck. But that's hero/savior TRAP... negative ego LIE. I need to be aligned with my SOUL. That's all. What is my soul saying now? My spirit? It's saying to BE CAREFUL. 

It keeps reminding me that this relationship cannot be about consumptive modeling. That I am a compassionate witness. That I need to stop trying to change him. He's sleeping now. I just realized that he fell asleep. He had 2 hours of sleep last night, of course he needs to rest. 

But this doesn't take away from my hesitance to put myself in a situation that doesn't feel safe. When I feel into the energy that I'm supposed to... this satanic and sexual misery stuff that has come up specifically through Paul.... and when I learn about it, it doesn't feel safe. 

Now when I am talking to Paul... wrapped in his energy field, I DO feel safe and everything feels right. So that's the confusion. 

The Universe deliberately did NOT give me an 11:11 - I had a 11:10 and 11:12. Not sure what it means. I was writing a goodnight note to Paul. 

Please guide me Godself and guidance teams...show me what I should do. I do not want to REACT in FEAR. "Fear is a Liar" ...but I also do not want to be stupid. And I will give up this track/train if it is leading to harm. I only want to be aligned to my HIGHEST TIMELINE and MOST EFFECTIVE work... I do not want to be taken out again....there's too much to do. Please guard and keep me. I ask for your gatekeeping to hold my mission. Thank you!

Amen and Amen.

Satanism and Ghost

Nov 14 11:44 (and had 11:11 and 11:22 recently).... 

Seems weird but I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be to be studying Ghost and Satanism instead of going to my "Blanket of Light" meeting. WTH??

____

I freaking love Paul so much! I feel so close to him like we are one already. It's supernatural!!

I DO feel aligned and protected as we study Satanism and work with this energy. 
6 days!!!!

Jason Dalaba gave me some good information...leads...book suggestions...too.

And I like this wiki article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thelema

So much to learn

Rosicrucians - https://www.rosicrucian.org/
Anacro-Satanism

In general so much to learn.

"mysticism = believes in direct connection to the divine" - I'm DEFINITELY a mystic. I'm also God.  

Today is my session with Eliyana on Sacred or Quantum Sexuality! Whoop! 10:01

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12:44 I am AMAZED and IN AWE of the GOODNESS OF GOD/Universe! Paulllllll!! Ahhhhhh!!!

Synchronicity #800! (Kidding....but there have been so many)... apparently for 10 or more years he has asked something about having a woman... this is so deja vu for me now that it's trippy and I'm having a hard time recounting it. But he dreamed of the woman saying she was his genie.  This morning I said it... I said I was his genie or something like that and he was floored. Apparently another sign from the Universe to him. And I am absolutely amazed!

I think I'm so exhausted... I video chatted with Paul, Uncle Robert (a treat), and had a session with Eliyana in Alaska ... a sexual healing session.... and it was MIND BLOWING!

She brought up the mirror and distortions in it. 

She brought up me being filled with joy and swinging my arms around like in the beginning of the Sound of Music

She brought up a past life - maybe Egyptian - connection to belly dancing or opening my hips and dancing almost seductively and how good it would be for me

She brought up what felt like similar to Cahokia....I was a spiritual leader that took the hymens of girls who just started their period. It was a form of SRA and control. 

She brought up wire wrapped around my clitoris, especially my inner clitoris which looks like a wishbone (wishbones!)... felt like this was part of harnessing and shocking and ai infusion into my being... she helped release it.

She saw a Grey with a clipboard standing outside my field and when she saw it I was able to dissolve it into the light.

She saw bots...little Ai floor sweeper vacume looking type things. 

She saw my wings - they were like athelete's wings - sounds like not a lot of fluff. 

Sounds like I need to balance the intensity with joy.

Sounds like I'm ready to be loved... to heal in love... to explore sex as a healing activity.

I was telling Paul earlier that I feel like I have put up all these walls and done all this damage to myself because I was operating outside of my soul's desire which is to be with my divine beloved (which feels a lot like HIM). I created cognitive dissonance by trying to force myself to do what didn't feel aligned with my soul. If the time is NOW...We Are On Time... it's time to unite with my beloved and heal the world and it starts with US.

I shared my session with Paul - I hope it doesn't scare him. I hope I didn't seem like a jerk. I hope I represented him well. 

God, help me to love Paul well. To see him and honor him.

I read this today - I couldn't fully read it the other day but today I did and it's on point: https://energeticsynthesis.com/index.php/library/negative-alien-agenda/2183-mission-briefing-on-nrg

So much of what I/we are working on. AHHHH!!

I'm pooped. I have cayenne pepper on my thyroid/neck trying to support it... feels like it's really struggling now. Post period hormones? I got the "Neuro Endocrine Immune" meditation last night.

Oh, I had a dream where I was standing at the corner of Sioux's pasture... "the field"... and holding what looked like a firehose which was pumping waste/miasma out of the field. 

___

UGH. I just looked through so many of Michael's and my photos together and we had SUCH A SWEET relationship. I loved it and him so much. WHAT HAPPENED??? We have THE BEST LIFE!! WHAT HAPPENED? My anxiety? Awakening? My shift away from the god of Saturn blood worship? 

He is gaining consciousness...we both are. But the Qanon stuff is a put off to me. But it was fine. I liked his hope. But we didn't have a physical relationship and I wasn't attracted to him. I just loved him and still do. Arghhhhh. 

What's going to happen with Paul? When I'm with him - talking to him, especially Facetiming, I feel like everything is right with the world. When I'm not, I am prone to doubts. 

OH - Michael is not keen on getting healthy - he drinks beer and wine and doesn't like vegetables, we don't enjoy doing things together, and don't have a sex life. My passion is seeking truth and gridworking and I want to do that with my DIVINE beloved. It feels like the Universe (God) has brought forth my divine beloved to template the HGU with. It feels like Shamira came to get me. It feels really right except when I start to question.

Sometimes he doesn't talk very much - I want to know what's in his head.
What happens when he takes away his affection as Commanders are known to do. It's going to hurt. 
What happens when I become old and boring to him?
What happens if I don't measure up in the bedroom?
What if he likes the bloody gross life-stealing satanism instead of the atheiestic satanism. And how can he be an athiest?? 

See the thing is that I release and surrender control - I don't want to change or doubt or question him. I want him to do exactly what he's meant to do. To think exactly what he's meant to think. He is doing his OWN consciousness work/evolution and I am here to hold a frequency. 

Michael and I do technically hold a frequency together too. But it doesn't feel like enough. Do I trust the Universe? Do I trust GOD? Do I trust MY SOURCE? We are on a path of enLIGHTenment and embodiment and this is what we signed up for. Michael = comfort implant. That's not what I came for. 

Paul will be challenging and beautiful and help us both to be who WE ARE. Ahhhhh! This is what we came for and it often (except when I'm in mind-slide anxiety world) feels like Paul is my counterpart that I've been looking for and waiting for for millenia... this life but so many others. Maybe the whole age?

Yes, we'll be able to study the application of our beliefs and put them into practice in LOVE. This is the job. Learning how to LOVE. Truly. And there is no one better in the world to do that with than my DIVINE BELOVED.

I'm just overtired. 
Go to sleep Dear One.

____

This was a reallllly good AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Atlantian_Mystery_Schools

I love Paul

 Super aligned with this Paul project ... oh. It's 11/12/21 11...well... 03 right this minute. But my dreams an consciousness is definitely preparing me and teaching me. It's wild!

I love Paul. He IS my sweetheart. We have layers of ego to peel back to the heart and core of who WE ARE, but I feel this is the guy to do it with! God's will be done. 11/12 11:08

___

3:10

Our love feels like it's softening... we've been through these phases of extreme excitement, dopamine high, obsession, and also come off that into a more normalized but warmer and kinder and learning each other type of energy... still lots of questions... will we be good together? I think we have the potential to have great conversations and experiences but I think it will take lots of work and surrender of the ego. This is my current canvas for polarity integration. Yes, probably going to be hard, but has incredible potential for deep beauty to heal ourselves and the world. This is my guy - the one I want to do this with! (If that's the highest and best timeline for the greatest impact for this ascension cycle life... YOU, God, Source... YOU know.)

"Burn the Ships"

Could this be the meaning of the golden wasp or golden hornet that landed on my right upper arm today for a few seconds on our dog walk at the end of Duck Road. 

In this case, Wasp symbolism is reminding you that merely thinking about your dreams will not make them a reality as quickly as going out and doing it. In other words, this spirit animal insists that you make a plan. Then you must keep working towards it and let nothing get in your way. Similar to the Snail, the Wasp meaning says that goals require perseverance, desire, and action. Thus you must apply your passion to the reality you wish to achieve!

Alternatively, Wasp symbolism is letting you know that resistance to change by definition, is self-sabotage. Therefore it’s time to allow yourself the notion that all things are possible and that you deserve to have all your dreams come true. The Wasp meaning asks you to be the best you can be!

May this "I love Paul" melt deeply into our bones. May he be the Albion of our union. May we merge effortlessly and may it feel deep and magical and right. May there be NO FEAR. May our love meld and magnify and be a light unto the world. May Paul feel strong and loved and full and healed and whole and respected. MAY I honor and respect him sufficiently...FULLY. May he be stronger and more confident and feel more alive and connected to HIS Godsource when he is with me.

5:10 "Love By Our Side" song is so perfect... it's my HGU song. I tried to share it with Kirk but that didn't work. God, THY will be done. I love Paul. I do. I feel it and want to love him more! 5:11 ... it just popped out of me when I said goodbye to get off the phone... felt kind of vulnerable but that is good. That's the good stuff there. 

I'm really looking forward to being with him. We're going to learn how to be our authentic selves and love from THAT place. Right? May it be so.

___

5:33 "fear is a liar, he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, fear, he is a liar. He will rob your rest, steal your happiness. Cast your fear in the fire, 'cause fear, he is a liar."

So much research needed

11/11 10:10 10:44

SATANISM - AHHHHHHH!!!!!

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Washington_DC,_London_and_Vatican_City
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Church_of_Satan
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Eliphas_Levi
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Baphomet_Deception
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Seducer_Archetype
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Unholy_Ez_Trinity
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Thothian_Grid
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Satanic
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Mainstreaming_of_Satanism
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Knights_Templar_and_Freemasons

Listening to ... being programmed by Ghost?? That music. 

I love Paul... I feel resistance as I say that. But I'm grateful to him. God show me. Please HOLD ME TIGHT!! We're going into the DARK. 

11/11 11:00

Darling, infuse yourself with LIGHT... you ARE THE LIGHT. (I AM THE LIGHT, THE LIGHT I AM.) Stay close to ME... keep your channels open and clear. We got this. We Are On Time!!

Note, I think my period coming 4-5 days early is related to the timeline shift.

Got 11/11 12:12  and 11/11 12:21 and 11/11 12:22 and 12:23 ... I saw 9:23 too today. LOTS OF NUMBERS. I'm not writing them all down. I should. It's important. 

11/11 12:24

This is what we are called to now... to come out of the 23 Lunar Matrix and into the 24 Solar Light. With Sha'ul. Maybe. Through Sha'ul for sure. This is on purpose. God will lead. I don't want to have any expectations. Remain non-attached to the outcome. Keep my ego out of it.

WE ARE CLEARING SO MUCH BLACK MAGIC!!!!!

11/11 12:33 11/11 12:34

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I was going to put this in my ESF journal but I think I won't:

You guys, I am having a surreal life right now! (I know we all are… it’s WILD. So glad to be on this journey with YOU!!)

Yesterday I saw a particular light code artwork on a post I was reading and it drew me in and I loved it… this morning it was the main image for my AG pick - https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Krystal_Kaleidoscope

This pick is appropriate in so many ways, but my consciousness connected it to a dream I had a couple days ago where I was being shown how two projectors were being used to make up the same image (which was being shined on a door)… it looked like they were attached/one image but they weren’t… they were from two different projectors. 

Feels like my teams are trying to teach me about light and platonic solids and something about how I can project the shapes/architecture to support healing/restoration. Just lots… and it’s over my head… and I just need to keep watching and learning….not pushing or pulling, just allowing everything to unfold as I do my best to remain aligned with Source.

A more disturbing/challenging assignment revolving around Satanism is also surfacing. I have much to learn, but it definitely feels like this is given to me to witness. And in order to be effective, I have to do it from my still-point/neutrality which is quite hard considering the programming I have around it. We’ll see where it goes but you guys, I’m going in. 

Feels there is a big part of this somehow connected to the landmass in Alaska. Satanism. Sexual Misery program. I have much to learn. Amazingly God has brought the incredible EliyanaInAlaska forward who I believe I will learn much from. I have a ticket to go to Alaska to meet Paul in 9 days and the plan is to meet up with Eliyana. Let’s see what God has to show us...

This new occurrence with my beloved friend Paul (who may also be my beloved beloved) is tied in to all of this new work. I feel certain he is what some call a “genetic equal”. I’ll say that it feels that God has revealed at least a handful of “genetic equals” here on planet at this time. I recognize them and continue to experience shared consciousness work that we do together. That said, I don’t think that means they are meant to be my beloved beloved/HGU partner. I feel like I recognize my genetic equals in both men and women… not sure if I have merged architecture with any women, but I feel sure I have with one, and probably two, men this year. One of my strongest connections is with a gay man, in fact. So just because we are GEs, I don’t think it means we are meant to template the HGU together. I think we can still BE in union…that we can hold the rod/staff union for different projects… but the Lisa & Tomas, Mhairi & Sequoia, Sophia & Soneke, etc. type union I think is special. Or maybe it’s just that’s who they chose… and then they intentionally built their spiritual house together. First God-breathed genetic equals and then merging and building by choice. I don’t know….just continuing to hone my perception of the whole thing. 

So back to Paul. It feels like we have this opportunity to potentially build a spiritual house for an eventual avatar-level divine union (when we get there). I sense there is still a good bit of work to do on the soul and monad levels both with our individual and mutual union. But isn’t this the work…where the rubber meets the road? 

It feels a little overwhelming because we are really quite polarized. I am grateful to God (and Charlotte who has helped me so much this year) as I have softened into a much more neutral being…. and my heart has healed so much and is coming online as I continue to embody sophianic frequencies. Paul is NOT an ES member yet and he’s interested so maybe will join when the membership opens but he IS a genuine truth seeker and has been for as long as he can remember. He is also rooted in quite a bit o reversal energy still… but so am I. I’ve come a long way in 2 years but I have a lot more lunar distortion, FKOT, etc. to clear. 

Part of me wants to just wait until I’ve “arrived” before getting into a relationship, but another part recognizes Paul as a kindred spirit. I keep battling with what I think are New Age terms “twin flame” and “soul mate”… I don’t know what he is, but I have love in my heart for him and feel that I should keep following this thread. So that’s what I’m doing. 

It feels like I am being called, not as hero-savior, but as a witness…also to work with healing the masculine wound and our own micro/macro healing, heart repair, and black magic clearing. AHHH! It’s a LOT.

The other day I was feeling in an emotional snarl … I didn’t realize then that it was because my period was coming the next day (which was 4-5 days early, very interesting in light of the timeline shift). Anyway, I channeled that energy into creating a painting, trying to see and love Paul in this way. I wanted to share it with my journal and you.

___

I had an amazing massage with Stacie today… SHE is a kindred spirit! See that’s what I like…to talk to others who have a deeper understanding of spirit, no matter what their flavor is. I fear with Paul he’s not quite that spiritual… I think he wants to be though. He is a truth seeker at heart… his heart has been awakened and he is longing for an experience with the divine. I will not be able to provide it for him. He’s probably having that mental trap that I had when I came together with Tyrone like it was going to be this AMAZING THING and it was a let down. I need to share this with him.

Anyway, Stacie gave me very good guidance/wisdom from spirit and that is that this thing - Alaska…Paul… - is the culmination of lots of smaller lessons. This is like the Unit Exam… we had all the chapter quizzes, but now we need to pass the final exam…or mid-term… but I need to be strong. She said to make sure I take the space I need to stay rooted in Source (or something like that - that’s what I heard though.) And she’s right. I need to do my connection practices to remain connected to God otherwise I’ll spin off. 

Yeah…this will be a test. 

I’m tired. It was a powerful energetic treatment and massage with Stacie. I’m energized and exhausted. I believe our guidance teams were very busy with energy work during that time.

Paul has been so sweet and loving today. We talked on the phone for a bit and he sent me some videos of his life. He is really opening up and we are building a friendship. 

__

YAY!!! I got it!! 11/11 11:11 !!!!! And I saw 11/11 10:10 again too! And 22:22 11:11 .... so many fun numbers today! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoTX5ff9Ze0 

I HAVE COME TO BUILD A BRIDGE

Processing

I fell into an emotional SNARL yesterday. I thought it was from all the digging on HF and recognition of the challenge of this relationship. I felt really grateful for the nudge from my teams to channel it into painting... that process was good for me. I painted paul. 

It started out with particular hues and feel and then the light in it grew. It felt like gridwork in a way...and it helped me channel love and service and seeing love and light and goodness in him... really looking at him and feeling into the depths I could access at that time. It was a good exercise. Here is a copy of what it looked like mid-way through and then when I started infusing intention for love and light...

Needs to be further up on the canvas like this:

yeah, that's the one I'll share.

It's hard to feel his confusion and how he has backed off. I understand... I did that. YOU said to "walk quietly" but I haven't been as quiet as I should. I want to put all the ugly out there in order to scare him away... stupid. Egotistical and stupid. I have told myself that I don't want to do a "bait and switch" and then that seems to reflect back to me in fear that he is doing the same. Like he is going to be different than he says. Because I have had a propensity to be dishonest in the past doesn't mean he does. But I feel like we are similar ... feels like the Indigo3 contract, like I'm picking up on that some. 12:48

___

I feel his aggression. It sets us up against each other. No bueno.

I feel too much. 

This is why I need to keep tucking into SOURCE, not him. Or maybe I need to tuck into him and then we tuck into Source together? No, we are separate pillars.

DANG.

Might not be him. 

Or this psychic attack and lack of heart-based communication on both sides (but I'm responsible for MY SIDE ONLY) is going to wipe it out before it even gets started.

This is going to be VERY HARD.

___

3:07 God just directed me to listen to much of the OmniLov3 "Family of Michael" talk which was ON POINT for me and super supportive for this situation and chapter that I am brushing up with here with Paul. God, please lead. My job and opportunity is to relax into my HEART, be heart-based, and then listen for direction. My role is to LOVE and to do my best to embody my Higher Self. 

Again, consumptive modeling isn't going to cut it. 

And when I get pulled or pushed off center, out of neutral, then we have a problem. I must remain in my stillpoint as a compassionate witness.

I do not have to convince Paul to know me, like me, hear me, anything. I just have to be me. And listen to him. Love him. This is MY work. Service to others. Respond. No pushing/pulling. It's not about me. Just be there for him. 

My "aha" moments are for me. The intuition and understanding God is giving me is to infuse CARISSA with this so that SHE can hold this field, this vibration, which will allow Paul to connect more deeply to Source energy. To HIS higher self. And that's my job. 

Carissa's mental body trying to impact Paul's mental body (or physical for that matter) detracts from the work. 

___

Started a post for ESF:

I am afraid if I start speaking words, I will create a pool that is too large and I will fall in. So I’ll leave this painting that came through to help me work through the emotional snarl that came up yesterday (as a part of my menstrual cycle). Channelling that into this was a much better way to work with it.

Today I’ve pulled (from my meditation card deck) some great meditations that have felt very aligned, including the Seraphim Reclamation and OL’s Blue Rainbow Sun.

I found neutrality again.

I got pulled off for a day and a half and it’s not fun. I have come to depend on the inner stability to help me anchor in the storm. 

(Quit the post.)

______

“Burn the Ships”

6:06

See the thing about this “Created to be his help meet” book is that it is foundationally built on the Bible as the authority of “God’s Word”. I just read the words that are used for a woman in the Bible and they are saying that these are the words that women should be … meek, humble, gentle, kind etc. While I agree that we should be…. all people should be…humble and kind and have a gentle spirit…this is weaponizing it and purposely leaving other attributes out - strong, faithful, powerful, wise, etc. (It might have said “wise”…but you get the point.) 

My “word of God” comes through my heart resonance. 

I FEEL the “living according to our created purpose” or “natural energy” and want to embody the divine feminine …anchor Sophianic frequencies…so that I can help/support the reclamation of the divine masculine as well. 

6:16

Guardian Glossary Term for the Week is ON POINT: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Developing_Strength_through_Virtues

"Dark arts training refers to a period in your life where you are being pushed really hard, usually through some sort of unresolved problem or personal suffering, to go beyond your current frame of reference in order to fully comprehend what is happening to you spiritually. This profound moment also means pulling back the veil that has hidden the interference in planetary and human evolution." 

Satanism and Sexual Misery

Thank you GOD for this mission assignment.

Like Kirk just said "I bridge the gap between Christ and Lucifer." ... and I think that's true for him and also for me. Of course https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoTX5ff9Ze0 ("I have come to build a bridge"), one of my theme songs for this year, came to heart.

Today's AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Anti-Christ_Northern_Pillar
Super related to PAUL and what we were talking about ... I shared with him earlier:

I have been trying to reconcile satanism as well and had a big breakthrough based on my understanding of your understanding... basically my new realization boils down to satan = christ. 

The "Christ" of Christianity, the golden calf, Jesus, that is in reality (outside the matrix) the "anti-Christ". (I'm not talking about the actual dude, Yeshua - I like to think he existed and that he was like us.) Anyway... the Christian false god which they are worshipping is the anti-truth. anti-christ. anti-freedom. (There's a verse in the NT that says something like "if the light that you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness is".) 

So if the christ is the anti-christ, then maybe the anti-christ is actually the christ. 

Semantics. And what matters is the meditation of our hearts. The words are signposts. 

And he sent me a video about it: https://youtu.be/VNcRXeCzpno (Is God really the Devil)

And I just think this is Paul's and my shared work. Masculine Healing... Rod healing... Golden Eagle Grid... Sexual Misery repair... (Now another theme song from this year just came on "Wash it Away"..."we're a part of something special"..."stay humble"..."gonna be a guardian")

I feel so honored and blessed! 
STOP TRYING TO SCARE HIM AWAY. What if it works???

Anyway... I need to do more research:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Satanic
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Mainstreaming_of_Satanism
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Thothian_Grid

It's so BIG and so much what we've been working with all year...this is a new level. Do we have to jump in to it... but we'll be holding each other in love. Right? AHHHHH!!!

And of course with the sexual misery programming, we've got Humbled Females - and the BDSM community - this is brought forward for my own healing and the earth's healing. I have to compassionately witness it from a place of NEUTRALITY. If I fall into judgment and condemnation and fear it halts the work. 

WILD. Thank you God!!
Is Paul my partner or a portal or both??

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11 9 1: 55

Is Paul https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Indigo_Races ?
Support: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Medulla_Oblongata

2:54 2:55

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4:38 feeling very deflated after reading a couple of Paul's responses on the HF site. Just hearing his heart and mind and the distortions. It's really hard. It feels like part of the demon or darkness that I feel he left in the dust in that other timeline on 10/31?

I WAS SENT to support him and merge. We DO have the same life purpose. How do I reconcile this?? 

He didn't respond to my "confessions" today at all. 

I'm going to "walk quietly" for a while. Keep listening. It's here to transmute. If I can hold it with compassionate neutrality, it can shift. This is my job. I love him. I DO love him. 

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Thank you GOD for Paul. He called tonight and we had such a healing conversation (for me).... first of all he was just being a compassionate witness for my "confessions", not trying to influence them, just what he was supposed to do. I have so much to learn from him. He is love in action.

And he read through his HF posts with me... he likes a lot of what he was saying still (it's 3 years old...from before his spiritual nomad experience), but he is open to the TRUTH and understood what I was saying about trying to force the divine plan...acting it out vs. surrendering INTO it. I want to surrender into it. With Paul. 

He is my strong tower and my still waters and the banks to my river. 

8:46

Processing (and synchronicity list for now)

Another synchronicity... or message from Source (I hope)... 

Paul sent me "You are my sunshine" via text. I felt strongly to put a sunshine as my profile photo on that humbled females website yesterday. I am HIS sunshine. It just felt like a message from God. He didn't see that. I thought he saw it and that's why he sent me the song but he was just following prompts from God. 

I wish there were a way to share my voice memos here. I had a really good session with myself...talking it out. Helping me to gain clarity and heed the call to return to balance. 

I need to go through and re-read/re-live our last couple weeks but here are some of the synchronicities I've tracked:

Synchronicities:

-BIGGEST AND MOST IMPORTANT: -Tikkun Olam

 (simultaneously took that phrase and our representation of it which is slightly different than the Jewish version – we saw it as “healer of the earth” repairer restorer of the earth. But we both kind of summarized our life purpose as “tikkun olam”. Wild. 

-We were both stepping up in caring for our bodies – vitamins, minerals, nutritional balancing practitioner program.  Common ground. 

-Also, of course, passionate about the EVIL we are seeing in the system

-Also, how we both saw beyond the religious programming and were freeing ourselves simultaneously.

-Bobbi Jensen as a spiritual guide/messenger

-Enigma 

-Shrek/Princess Fiona

-I am my beloved and my beloved is mine

-the wicked witch is dead (Dana is retiring to Hawaii)

-You are my sunshine (I felt led to make a sunshine my HF profile photo and I thought he must have seen it when he sent me the song “you are my sunshine”, but he didn’t.)

-Wim Hof (not a big synchronicity but it kept coming up for me since July and he joined in August. I had been doing the cold showers last year and now restarted)

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So the question is: Am I willing (and able) to hold space while Paul regains coherence? Can I stand as a compassionate witness...neutral and not attached to the outcome...to allow him to do the inner work he needs to do. Can I just hold a field of LOVE for him and not fall into vampirism and consumptive modeling to try to meet my own physical-ego-3D [perceived] needs? 

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. I'm not sure I'm ready. 

I have FEAR around falling into the metatronic pit of doom again ... this started with enemy patterning from vampirism.

We were genetic equals. Tyrone and I. And Paul and I. And we came here to do this work. "The only way out is through." That keeps coming to me this year. We had a re-set and now it's "go-time" again but it's heavy. The RESPONSIBILITY is heavy. It could be, should be, a JOY. 

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Dear Paul,

I surrender my expectations related to you. 

I surrender all forms of consumptive modeling related to you.
I surrender attachments.
I surrender mental bondage related to or that which is designed to ensnare you.

I will to stand by as a compassionate witness to your own evolution and efforts. I will to love you with my whole heart in purity and freedom.

The whole "twin flame" vs. "soul mate" thing is on the table and I am not sure what you are... but I definitely feel strongly we have work to do... well, we have been doing work and it looks like we'll continue... I surrender to what that looks like or unfolds into.

I surrender expectations for you moving here or anywhere. The Universe will direct you (and me). Right now it looks like the assignment is for me to come to Alaska... I'm a gridworker and apparently needed to support the grids....with you. I need to stop applying my understanding to US. Your understanding and mission will unfold for you - clarity will come as you keep seeking the truth vibration. 

I'm coming to amplify your gridpoint. I'm coming to stand in solidarity with you and allow Source energy to work through us to support tikkun olam. And that's it. One step at a time. And I've been told a couple times now that I need to "walk quietly"...so hopefully I can do that.

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12:52 Yesterday I said we need to "compromise our expectations", but today I realize I need to have ZERO expectations. No strings. JUST BE. And that's that. I AM a neutral compassionate witness and channel for Source energy to anchor frequencies of love and the truth vibration in the earth plane. When my negative ego gets involved it blocks the flow, shuts down the stream, and Carissa takes over. That girl has good intentions but she is not qualified to run the show. She thinks she is, but she isn't.

Carissa, you are doing the clearing work. You are the vessel. Your work is very important. But the "mind" part isn't your job. You don't really like it anyway...not actually. Oh darling, I love you so much!! I'm so grateful for you and your work!!!

How can I be in a relationship? I can't even take care of MY relationship that well yet. I'm not ready. 

But we're needed now. "We Are On Time" 

Just let God lead. "Walk Quietly"

So crazy, I didn't mention it in my voice note to myself... I guess I didn't connect the dots that I had just been talking to myself about Twin Flame vs Soul Mate and a couple minutes later Michelle pops out of her house and we got into a conversation about it. It's come up a couple times with different people... Lior randomly talked about it too. 

So what is Paul? I feel that we ARE kind of "Twin Flames"... in some ways... similar genetic makeup maybe. Similar mission. But also opposites in many. And he wants to embody the Divine Masculine and I the Divine Feminine. Though truly I want to embody the Divine Christos-Sophia, the UNITY FIELD that incorporates BOTH the divine masculine and divine feminine. And I want to unite with someone who has done the same. So that's a good point. He's not there yet. He's still stuck on the the "halves" thing. So is that Twin Flame? Or is it just part of his process and our process of learning ... could we be Monad-mates meant to birth the Avatar Union together? But I have to hold the field for my beloved as he is stepping up into our timeline where we do that. NOT as hero/savior, but as one who cherishes her beloved with her whole heart and longs for that union? 

Twin flame vs soul mate. Was Tyrone my twin flame? I feel in a way he was.... or maybe that's not even a thing... maybe it just comes back to being genetic equals and we could embody the HGU/Aeonic Pair template or not. I let my ego run the show with Tyrone and so did he and we blew each other up. 

The universe will guide us. I don't need to figure it out. This is a learning opportunity.  11/8 1:08.  I saw 11/8 11:08 and 11:11 too. (Among a zillion others!!) I feel very much in the flow. Feel into this.

As I do that I am also helping my beloved. I hold the field. We HAVE been united on certain planes...spiritual planes. Our architecture was knit together last week powerfully and so now we can feel and impact each other more deeply. Depending on Paul's level of HSP (unlikely to be strong... mine isn't very strong, but it is probably a little more-so than his)... he may recognize it or not. 

I know today he needs to tuck in to himself, put his head down, and work. And I need to honor that. Carissa's ego would like to feed on him so she would send a note... my real self which we need to train to lead knows to just be quiet and do my own work and processing. 

This is very beautiful and powerful work. Thank you God!! 11/8 1:11

My AG pick today was: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Nadial_Cord  which feels related to what we are upgrading or needs to be upgraded or corrected. I have been thinking lately about how when I broke my back in Vermont that that was an attack to damage my nadial capsule... it was right in that location of my back. I think my teams are repairing it, clearing out the spiders, healing it. Please heal Paul's too.

I started to look with my earth eyes at Paul again. That is not why I've been chosen. I've been chosen to rise above it. To know him and love him through those overlays which are rooted in trauma. I do that by holding neutral, NOT judging. Just loving. Period.

SO MUCH EASIER TO SAY THAN TO DO. But this is what we are here to practice. 

We just need lots of space to process. I bet we are both like that. 
Turned song on = "Blessings"
11/8 1:18

This is my job. Thank you God. 

"hold on to the ones you love, keep them close to you. Hold on to this time we have, and let the light shine through." YOU couldn't be more supportive and clear. LOVE. 

Not by pushing/pulling. Not by forcing energy or interaction, but by HOLDING THE FIELD. 

And now "Hold on to me" comes on! Wow God! Thank you! <-- I should be doing backflips but YOU'RE helping me stay in stillpoint neutral.... what a miraculous life.

I can hold to God and to Paul energetically and in love....that's the only way. Through our hearts. He doesn't want the other... half of him does... that's the part that I've been responding to in ego too and I need to pull back on that and hold the field in spirit. 

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OL 123D Clearing and Release (Oct 2021 med) was a God-send. Powerful. Whoo. 
Spoke so much to me too. 
Observe the red flags. Listen to my heart. Stand strong my Spirit, connected to Source. I am Christ-Sophia I am. 

We'll let God lead. I can't imagine what's going on but I pray that I would hold strong in the TRUTH VIBRATION.

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Did I tell you that I recognized that I was supposed to BE PAUL'S SUNSHINE. I could infuse my being with the solar light and send it to him through our shared architecture to strengthen him. 

What do I do about the red flags? That is a word that they are using as an implant. Same with narcissism. Ugh.

7:21
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"You can't rush your healing"

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WHAT!?!! MIRACLE!! Another one to support me and my beloved!!! AHHHHH!! Today God brought Eliyana to consciousness to find out where she lived and find out if we could meet up. I connected and we plan to meet when I'm in Alaska and NOW I just saw her thread about Quantum Sexuality and it is her EXPERTISE!! She is going to help us!!! (me)

https://www.songsofwildgrace.com/

This is CRAZY. You can't make this life up. God is AMAZINGCRAZYGOOD!!! AHHHHHH!!!! Does Paul want to get healed too?!!

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again - "you can't rush your healing" (this song... second time in a couple hours)