Feel into whether it's right to cut off friends because "he said so". I see (on my own) that it's not best to be close friends with any man, really. But Paul... and Ramsey even... anyone that might be a foothold for the devil.
But again, this is a gift to feel into and to CHOOSE what I want for MYSELF. I want a strong and confident man who loves me so well that I WANT to TRUST and RESPECT that he has my best interest at heart and when he says that it's probably in my best interest to cut ties with an ex, I jump because I KNOW he LOVES ME.
In this case I'm actually fine with it. I cut ties with Paul before. I don't talk to him. But I want to be free to. I guess. I need to feel in to why that is. But it's MY lesson. And I am just going to work it.
I wrote this to Ryan after he stormed off ... after he listened... I let him (instead of where he snooped to listen to my messages on telegram and signal)... it made him mad that I was talking about gender polarity with Paul. Anyway... I want everything to be open and out there. That's all. And if he doesn't choose me and he doesn't want to work it with me, then let him go.
He's letting me be without water - no shower or water for my animals (I bought some for the boys)... but it's super sad. I should try to do it myself but I don't think I can. So I won't. I'll have the sob story. This is what I wrote to Ramsey today.
I love you. I think we have a ton of potential. If I am given a choice, it would be my preference to be in a relationship/to share my life with you.
I am also my own person and I have my own thoughts and have had a whole life before you. I have friends and want to keep my friends. I would like it if Paul were my friend. I care about him. I want him to be well. I obviously do not want to be in a relationship with him, but I would like to be friends…or actually…. acquaintances. So if something comes to mind that I think would be of interest to him, that it wouldn’t be taboo to shoot him a message. I want to be free to do that with anyone. I want to not be ashamed to care about people. I want to be free to share it with you too. I don’t want secrets. I just want to be me. And ME = a free spirit who fires off messages to friends when I feel moved to do so.
Paul is not a threat to you.
No, I don’t choose "him over you". That’s not even a thing. That’s apples and oranges. I only choose you. But first and foremost, I must choose ME.
Ryan was thinking about it to see what else he wanted me to write. This is controlling, isn't it?
Dear Ramsey, I apologize in advance for the emotionally charged (and drama filled) message that is forthcoming. I want to be completely honest about this whole situation to the best of my ability so that we can all move forward with clear hearts and minds, especially as you go off on your grand adventure to Hawaii.First of all, I am so grateful for our friendship - for all we've been through - you as my bestie's beloved (who I heard her pine about for years before I actually got to meet you in person), and then the shared experiences we all had playing and doing life.... and for the opportunity to hold space for you both as you worked through heartbreak.... and the continued friendship, support and respect that we've shared as a result. It's been a blessing. You are definitely one of the greats on this planet - mother earth and all of us that are a part of her are lucky to have you tending to her.
I'm sorry about the very uncomfortable position that I invited you into with Ryan. I never could have imagined it would go like that. Everything just flowed that day - we texted and then talked and you were free so I invited you to the Master Gardener's awards and then to come to my house... it just flowed... it had been so long and I was excited for you to see my work and home.... all good stuff. But this is where it went wrong.....I started scheming about you being my roommate. And although I meant no harm, it put what ensued into motion and ended up hurting Ryan, you, and I.
As you know, I love Ryan very much. We are both broken but I feel that God has brought us together to heal. That day, we were on the outs and often when that's the case, I feel hopeless and think I need to come up with a new plan (to save myself/create security). The roommate thing (and honestly, male friend thing) is a part of that. I was simultaneously trying to keep it real with Ryan because no matter what, I want him in my life and DO try to do the right thing. So I invited him over to meet you.
When he arrived, he was already upset at me (and I at him).... and because of our divide was already on edge.... but it didn't have to go like that. I think I could have helped extinguish that fire. Perhaps if I had jumped up to kindly and excitedly introduce him to you, it could have gone better and wouldn't have left both of you hurt (<-- for lack of a better word).So this is the heart of the matter. This is what I didn't want to say to you the other day. I said there was something I wasn't ready to tell you, but I'm going to now because I want to put it all on the table.
Ryan is incredibly intuitive and intune with me (and his surroundings.... animals... everything). He wasn't wrong about what he picked up. I didn't expect it, but I was falling for you as we were talking on the couch. My heart was open and it felt really nice and Ryan's right... I had a "cheating heart". There is no doubt in my body, mind, and soul that I deeply love Ryan... he's my guy... but I was sitting there falling in love with you too. I think this must happen to you a lot. You are sensitive and poetic and open and kind and it's easy to fall in love with you. And it's one of my traits that I want to call "bad", but maybe it just is what it is.... but I fall in love easily.... and maybe I'm not saying it in a romantic way... but it gets blurry... but I feel like I can fall in love with anyone... I'm in love with so many of my friends and when I look in people's eyes with an open heart and mind, I can just love them deeply. So... I don't know if that's an excuse or what... but I need to know it and recognize that it's definitely not safe to share intimacy with other men when I am committed to Ryan. I need to shore myself up so I'm not squooshy like that. I don't even like to be by myself with my male coworkers because it seems like it could get dangerous in that way, but I guess that's life... males and females coexisting....so I try to put on my emotional and mental armor... and maybe I am really broken and desperate for love... I think I am... this seems like my wounded inner child grasping for someone to love her...
so... all that to say: Ryan was right to be mad. He caught the woman that he loves with a cheating heart. And although part of me wishes that he wouldn't have been so rude to you, part of me likes that he stood up for me .... I am attracted to his strong masculinity and I appreciate him claiming me.
There were all these dynamics going on (and probably more in the multidimensional ether that we haven't even felt into) and you were an innocent bystander and I am so so sorry. :(
I didn't know how to tell you those things. So much drama. Which I see that I create and thrive on because I have a lot of work yet to do. So I wanted to confess this and apologize. I've had to confess and apologize to Ryan too. He wanted me to be honest with you so I am. By not sharing my inner feelings/side of the story, I was perpetuating my victim story, allowing you to think of Ryan as a raged tyrant, when the truth was, he was a gallant wounded lover who, yes, has opportunity to work on how he expresses anger, but who clearly saw and felt a betrayal which I perpetrated.
I don't know how it will play out with Ryan. I love him deeply and hope that we will find our Way, but no matter what, I've got to shore up my boundaries, take responsibility for myself and my actions (hidden ones too).
All this to say, I'm sorry. God bless you friend.
I'm tired of the drama and always taking the blame.
All that we are, arises with our thoughts. ~ Buddha.
Suggested For Today: Right Relationship towards Others
When we find ourselves uncomfortable with the actions of others, we can relieve ourselves by remembering to cultivate the right attitude towards self. The Law of One is the Universal Truth that All Is One.Thus, one who practices this understanding of the Law of One acts and makes decisions based upon his or her awareness that every action has a consequence to the self and to others.
AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Self-Responsibility
"Self-Responsibility – Being able to own your own emotional conflicts without blame or projection upon another person by making it their fault. Do not assume that you know anything about that person that can be judged for what you cannot see or really know about them, as you have not walked in their shoes. When feeling upset towards somebody else, restore balance to your heart and aura by lovingly holding boundaries without violating others boundaries, by expecting them to resolve your conflict. Be willing and open to learn what the real issue is that has created the conflict. As most of the time, we're upset about something deep down from our own inner fears and it's not what it appears to be. By going deeper and reflecting on forgiveness of ourselves and forgiveness of others, while allowing the time and space needed to heal, helps to neutralize the conflict in most cases.Learning how to become responsible and accepting Self-Responsibility is a major step of productive Negative Ego clearing."
So perfect.
Read it many times.
Also want to note how generous and kind Ryan has been. He rubbed my feet yesterday... let me take 2 showers at his house, so kindly. He took care of Sioux... gave her hay and mucked her stall and fed her. Loved on the boys. Put on mood lighting for me. Just very kind. Talked to me. Had a nice talk. He has been open-hearted. But today he was hurt by my talk with Paul... I think it's intimate talk to him maybe. But it hurt him. And we have pain. And I caused it. And I have to acknowledge it. And feel it all.
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