Expanding Heart

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Healing_our_Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXEQ_DY-5Co - Great Night

Ramsey is showing me what a loving and kind friend (which extends to my future partner) looks and feels like. It's authenticity, kindness, listening, caring, sharing. Making time to touch base. Sharing feelings and experiences. Talking. Dreaming. Healing. My heart is expanding and healing. 

Yesterday or the day before I listened to a clip from my audio journal called "anal goodbye" and it's heartbreaking to hear what I've been through... and I kept trying ... putting myself back in position to be hurt over and over and over. Why?

I've watched half of the movie "Mavka: The Forest Song" so far and it's so good! 

Nature is my Source, Healer, Inspiration. And I'm so grateful for the resonance of things that are in tune with her.

God bless Ryan. He tries. But we're just not on the same page. I don't want fast food, TV, loveless sexual activity. I thought I could earn it or trade these things he likes for what I like...but I still haven't "gotten mine" and it's been a year and 8 months. I'm fine.

I can't imagine anyone better than Ramsey for me. Why is Ramsey so far away? Because God wanted us to learn our lessons and grow together in heart and spirit and then see where it goes. And maybe just to teach me... he may be a placeholder and teacher and maybe God has my guy around here. I don't think I am at the caliber of beauty Ramsey is... I hate to say that I'm not "good enough" because I am.... but I may not be his girl... and I DO want him to have a family and pregnant fairy wife ... he deserves all the best things, he's so beautiful. I even liked arguing with him. Last week I think it was...we had a disagreement and he took control and said, "can we just slow down here"... he was so good. He's so good. I'm falling for him. And it isn't as scary because we are just friends. No love poems. Just friendship. And authenticity. And I love it. 

And I love Needtobreathe. Listening to a whole concert now: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji82siRKVFY&list=LM

Emotion Journaling Exercise

Suggested for Today in ESF... Emotion Journaling Exercise. 

I have a lot. Fear about very high cholesterol. Need to care for my body, mind, heart, and soul. Ryan is toxic poison. I am addicted to him... the juice... it's killing me. Time to hang it up. Not worth it. This is exactly like alcohol and cigarettes.... the little hit that I get... and I mean LITTLE. BREADCRUMBS of kindness ... usually in the form of him helping me around my house... it makes me feel connected for a moment... hopeful for a moment. I like when he gives me attention and wants to spend time with me- talking to me. He doesn't desire me. He likes me to give pleasure to him but he is not a giver. and it might FEEL like he was when he was attracted to me and wanted to take from me... he would take sex... it's never been about giving... he wanted to do things his way and I wanted to be close to him... but he has always been rough and not "gentle gentle" ... slapping my boobs and just in general, not caring about my experience. But I loved that he was playing with me. And I kept at it... and he insulted me... poisoning me with words every chance he got. Instead of building me up, he tore me down. And no wonder I've gained weight... though really it's only about 10 pounds, but I'm melting inside... not strong and healthy. My muscles have atrophied. My heart and will and self-esteem has wilted. 

My home is so beautiful and I have the best friends - my pets and plants. 

It's time for me to choose me. Time to move on. If I want more people in my life, I can get them. I can join apps and go to meetups and that's fine. I'm not a loser or on my own island. Right now my life is full with work (so much Malai to do) and caring for my home. Nurturing myself and my home needs to be my priority. 

I don't have time to waste any more. I gave Ryan so much of me - wasted so much time waiting for him and it's been a loss. But let's realize that I've had a valuable lesson and I pray that seeds were cast that will grow for both of us. 

My health needs to be my priority. Do and eat things and be with people that NOURISH me. Period.