Money woes

Feeling like I'm really on my own. Feeling like Ryan has strange beliefs about money. He ridicules me for mine, but he's constantly in debt or not paying his bills and has who knows how much back tax debt. It's just messy. Not feeling like he's a partner. He strong armed me in getting - with my money - a tv that I didn't want. Didn't have compassion or care about my feelings... wanted what he wanted... and threw a fit and trying to put me down and punish me for not wanting it... ridiculed me for my feelings. It just doesn't feel safe. It's like a snarl. Feels good in some ways, but really messy in others. Not secure. Not fully loving and accepting. Not safe. 

He has talked so much about paying my electric bill and how good that felt. 

So I maybe need to just keep being patient. He is coming around. But it's a lot of pressure. He's not kind and generous. He counts and holds tight and keeps records and thinks he's so generous when I have been paying for everything and racking up more and more debt. $50+K in 2 years.

It's bad. 

But we are working towards something. Becoming something. 
Would it change that he will want to take care of me?

I write my own future. I need to be wise and intentional.

Jennifer encouraged me to write a budget. It's time. I need to grow up. I'm ready. 

I didn't say anything but Jennifer just intuited that it felt bad that Ryan encouraged me to get in debt with this TV. He wanted it. He didn't want to bring his big TV. He didn't want to contribute. He gives on his terms with his time, etc. And he's been very generous... spent a lot of it with me to get the couch and tvs and take them back and all that went along with it. He's helpful. Focus on the good, Carissa!!! It's like the world is whispering to me to BE A VICTIM. But I'm not. I've chosen this. And I need to keep choosing what's right for me.

But ultimately I'm responsible for myself and I need to remember that. I love my couch and am happy with the fancy TV and I love my life and I have a lot of animals and it is what it is. I don't need a man and it would be less expensive, probably. But I like the learning opportunities. Ryan isn't moving over. His cats are his excuse and it's fine. He likes his life. But he wouldn't even donate his 43" TV .... or "let" me get a regular larger TV... a non-OLED. He insisted on that one. And would have been mad and sulked if I got anything less. I thought the 55" was better. But I'll be okay with this one. It's all good. That might be my new friend. 

We just popped into the Age of Aquarius! Great things are happening! Good will come. It's here!! I'm grateful for Ryan and all he brings to the table. The challenges are icing on the cake... learning opportunities. I love my life and my family and my home! Thank you God!