Breadcrumbs

I'm tired of the breadcrumbs.

I want a whole partner.

Ryan IS planning to get surgery for his arm and I don't want to leave him right now, but he doesn't have the bandwidth to be my boyfriend and doesn't want more or doesn't have more to give and I can't put my life on hold any longer. He can be my "friendo". 

Traits of a partner... traits of myself

I want to be fully me, a free spirit that isn't afraid of what people think or trying to earn their approval. I want to be kind and gentle and a good listener. I want to be teachable and curious. I want to be disciplined and to take action to show myself love and care.

I want a partner who accepts me as I am... who I can say anything to and if I hurt them, which I won't want to do, but I want them to let me know so I can not hurt them. And I want to do the same... share with someone open-heartedly that I am hurt. And I want someone sensitive and kind too. That we can remain in an empathic and open-hearted state, knowing we have each other's best interests at heart. That we don't want to hurt them. 

I want to be able to protect them from my demons who might want to hurt them. I want to battle together if we must battle. But I'd rather not battle, I'd rather be in peace in nature. Gentle and quiet. But I am loud and rambunctious sometimes. Is that okay? That's not my true self, that's part of my mask, my Carissa show that I put on to entertain people hoping to draw them in. 

I am pushy and controlling and willful instead of gentle and quiet and patient. I am meant to attract and respond, not initiate. I want to let a man be a man and feel like a man and I want to respond.

I want a loving man who is gentle with me. I have to close up and protect myself from Ryan's pummeling energy when he gets excited he beats on me emotionally and physically - using my breasts as punching bags like he's a child instead of showing them care and respect. I want to have mutual care and respect for my partner. I want to go slow and be slow and be intentional and feel all the nuances. 

I need to heal and breathe and be and nurture my precious heart.

I am generous and I want a generous partner
I am communicative and want a communicative partner

I like to touch and make my partner feel good and I want a partner that wants to do the same for me but also understands that I need to heal, I've been touched so much by people that don't have a gentle spirit.

I need to heal and close up shop for the predator that lives in or through me. I am not a predator and that predatory gaze that tries to live through me is NOT ME. I am pure of heart and spirit and a child of God in Christ. 

I love you sweet girl. I know this is hard. I see you suffering. 

It's not about you.
Stop making everything about me.
Acknowledge everyone. Don't worry about them acknowledging you.

Alone

This is what's happened... I've become "alone"... and I don't have the security of a family to protect me and I'm a woman and I'm trying to call on this toxic masculinity in myself which is reversal masculine energy to protect me or to use as my walls or to prop me up and it's not based in true security and compassion like I need.

https://youtube.com/shorts/Tr8n-qTfdgI?si=j8rGzzwUALkOkRaq

This story - this short - illustrated it for me and I'm open to abusers, to Ryan, to take advantage of me because he is the one who is supposed to be protecting me if he were operating in his role of my true partner but he's not. And a part of me probably won't let him because I won't let my guard down to be soft and vulnerable and I'm scared and lonely and want so much to be loved and I'm waiting on someone else to save me but only I can save me and I hurt. Feel the hurt sweet girl. 

I don't want to blindly follow someone else's narrative or context for my life anymore either. It taught me that things aren't as they seem and I'm not in danger and gave me community/friends...we're talking about ES. But I don't want to blindly go along with someone else's story about aliens and energies when I am meant to learn and feel for myself. 

Nature is my guide.
I can feel energies if I will stop and feel them.
Love needs to come from within...that's my SOURCE.