Today's AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dragon_Moth_Grid_Session_II
I rejoined ESF Gold today.
Had a session with Joe Machney on Monday.
Ryan and I have been officially broken up a month even though sometimes we didn't appear it, but we haven't made love although we did one day sort of make love without making love as we learned about tantra - we have and hold so much love for each other. We talk openly and he admits his jekyl/hyde and has been Jekyl (the good one) for over a week until yesterday when he was triggered by his Dad's call to step up and threatned by it and I agreed that his Dad's letter was honest, brave, loving and in Ryan's best interest. He doesn't want to "man up" or be responsible for himself or others, he's used to people taking care of him. If I'm honest, it's the same behavior Paul had. (Paul lived with my sister for almost 6 months - maybe more? until she kicked him out. That is a situation to feel into too. Ryan had so much condemnation for Paul's behavior but he did it the same or worse, but he did also have some skills that he sewed some lasting love/service into my nest/home too....and we genuinely love each other.)
Anyway, he needs to go through what he needs to go through and he turned on me and vitriol and ugliness spewed out of him onto me - blame and yuck. We had been practicing forgiveness and real-time feeling the following week... but it doesn't happen that fast.
The week before there was a day that I talked to 4 men in one day.... intimately... beautifully... Ryan, who I love but who I am trying to be single from.... Tim who I voicenote/chat with almost every day and we are learning to be single individually and feeling into all that, relationship dynamics, etc...we speak with truth and vulnerability and true friendship. I also talked to Clifford and held space for him as he cried - he lost the woman that he loved that he had been in a relationship with for a year and talking to him and feeling his ego, hurt, pride, and all that - it was good for me and dissolved any remaining fantasy I had about him. I'm not sure if I could even withstand the energy of his ego/pride to be friends, but maybe. We'll see. And the fourth was Gregory who was pretty much me 8 years ago - so much raw trauma he is letting out - so heavy and big. Not sure how it happened but he was trauma dumping and I held space for 2 intense days of texting and then all of a sudden he dropped me and blocked me. (I think it was because I didn't answer his text right away and he wanted to talk maybe? But I think in the aethers he picked up how I was holding him at an arm's length - I could tell he wasn't safe, but I was also trying to be a safe place for him. But anyway, God saved me.
I want to be me.
I joined the gym again yesterday.
I am trying to learn how to eat and listen to my body.
I want to love myself well.
I am so grateful for my nest and my animal and plant family and job and friends and life
I AM (full stop) and want to return to PRESENCE
I don't want/need any other energies now as I heal. I love Ryan so much though. But I don't trust him. And he will never be trusted with my computer. That's not okay. I need to let him go/grow.
Yesterday's quote from my mediation app was "Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be." - Sonia Ricotti - and it was perfect.
See also from
Dragon Moth Grid Session II
- Fallen Angelics
_____
later:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Marduk
Was probably of note from that AG pick and related to the work I'm doing with Ryan. God bless us all.
Talked to Rosemary - installed chime/bell app to bring me to Presence one minute each hour.
___
Hey Hey! Finished the design for this year's shirt and picked a color! I have fun designing and working with my parents! We did this together!
No comments:
Post a Comment