Humanly Speaking...

I just opened to a most amazing verse in the Bible. It comes from Matthew 19:26. Jesus says:
"Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible."

How profound.
How simple.
How true.

I'm back from Africa.
Uganda was AWESOME! God is SO GOOD!!! He made the most perfect and majestic and wondrous world for us to enjoy! The LOVE that I experienced in and through and by God there was like nothing I can explain. I hope that it was woven into the fabric of my heart so that I can raise it as a flag of God's glory in all the places that God takes me.

I am humbled and left in awe of our Creator.
He is so good.

My Bible is falling apart. It's cool that I had it with me, but I roughed it up quite a bit! I hope that I can glue it... anyone have any suggestions? Waybole Nyoh! (<-- Luganda for "thank you very much")

See....
What I have now is beautiful footage in my heart and mind to go along with worship. For example, when I read (in Psalm) "He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth" -->I now have visions of Deborah - a beautiful woman who had gangrene so bad that her leg may need to be amputated- but I'm told that she had her arms lifted to the Lord! Presumably she was praising Him because she trusted Him and He sent our nurses! She worshiped and praised Him despite the fact that she was in tremendous pain and staring death right in the face. Deborah is a true testament and example of what we are supposed to be.

There were so many stories like this- so many beautiful people. People who trusted and loved the Lord simply- purely- with a genuine love. A humble love.

Here... look in this boys' eyes...do you see it? Humble love. A grateful heart. I want that.

I hope that I am changed.
I hope that I remember.
More than anything, I pray that I will live in the moment- in the Spirit- by God's prompting in each moment. I don't want to want anything (other than to be completely surrendered to God in mind, heart, body, and soul at all times). I don't want to make plans for my life. I don't want to worry about what others think. I don't want to gain anyone's approval. I don't want to impress anyone. I don't want to have more than anyone. I don't want to be good. I don't want to be known. I don't want to do anything other than what God wants me to do. I don't want to know when I have made a difference. I don't want to know what God did through me. I ONLY want to KNOW God and surrender to Him. I only want to respond to Him. I only want to love and live for God - no one else. No human. No church. No country. No family. Only God. He is all that matters.

A.W. Tozer defined worship in one of his sermons as:
"Worship - To feel in the heart and express in an appropriate manner a humbling but delightful sense of admiring awe and astonished wonder and overwhelming love in the presence of the unspeakable majesty, the Lord, our God."

I want to worship God with my life- with everything. I want to live in a constant state of worship. My life is Yours, Jesus. You gave Your life for me- I want to give mine for You.

Hey ya'll... please know that Yesu akwagala! ("Jesus loves you" in Luganda)  <-- probably spelled very wrong!! :)

<3

2 Timothy 4:4

Getting divorced was the worst decision I've ever made. It was a battle that I let Satan win in my life and the Kingdom suffered because of it. However, it was ALSO my breaking point (which I say with fondness). My post-separation circumstances brought me to a place that many people call "rock bottom".

I finally realized that I was broken - that I couldn't control my life on my own - that I was miserable and missing something so important and so huge --> GOD picked me up and showed me in a way that only He can that HE is EVERYTHING.

I believe that I was "saved" many years ago (when I confessed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and believed in my heart that God raised Him from the dead (Rom 10:9)) but this January 2nd I finally SURRENDERED my all to God and meant it. THAT was the BEST decision of my life  -- well, it wasn't really a decision, was it? No. It was all the result of God choosing ME. The God of the Universe pursued ME and all I had to do was say "yes"!! WHOA!!

Now I have new life and new breath and new purpose and new goals and new dreams and they ALL revolve around God!! :) I am HEAD-OVER-HEELS in LOVE with God! I am powered by the Holy Spirit and I want to live just like Jesus.

God has showed me so much of the ugliness inside of me- that which was holding me back from knowing Him - things like bitterness, pride, and a controlling nature.

I am a work in progress - Now I strive to be less than I am - I strive to be filled with the Spirit of God. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is John 3:30 "He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."

One of the things that God revealed to me was that I was in the wrong with my decision to divorce my husband of 6 years. We had a rocky marriage by most people's standards but we could have called on God to remove the ugliness -and had we done so as a "team" and then trusted Him to take our inadequacies- we would have overcome. I think my ex-husband WANTED us to do this, however, MY heart was hardened. I was determined to control everything by MY power and MY efforts.

Long story short = it didn't work.

Sadly, we got divorced in June 2009.We took the easy road out. We bought into Satan's lie that we would be "happier" apart. But hindsight is 20/20 and we actually would have been "happier" if we had been obedient to God and respected our marriage covenant and started seeking fulfillment in God instead of each other (because humans can never measure up to Godly expectations). We both yearned for respect and love and neither of us had the energy or power to give it to one another. If we had gone to God and asked HIM to provide that- He would have. (1 John 14-15).

Despite this mistake, God was with me. He brought me to a place where ALL I HAD was Him. He picked me up and loved me into submission! It is the best thing in the eternal universe to be loved like this.

The end. The beginning.

<3

Cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!

I was driving home from my amazing and awesome and beautiful and touching and joyful 10 year Hollins University reunion last night... I got lost-ish/sidetracked on the way out of Roanoke, so I didn't end up leaving until 9:30. I thought I was going to fall asleep at the wheel on the way home- but instead, God and I had an AMAZING chat!!

He and I talked for a good 2 hours before my friend called to check in (and then we glorified God through our conversation for another hour!!)!

What I wanted to tell you about was one little stream of thought/conversation that God and I were having about Matthew 18:8 So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet. <-- that sounds pretty scary. Mark 9:43 says If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand than to go into the unquenchable fires of hell with two hands."  Ooookkkkaaaaay- that's not any better. This talk of  "eternal fire" and "unquenchable fire" of hell = S-C-A-R-Y!! 

Aaaaanyway, God was talking to me about how my "stomach" (my cravings for other-than-Him (which for me often equals sugar and carbs)) needs to be cut off and thrown away!!

Side note: I didn't have my Bible open as I was driving at night on windy roads- so I didn't check this verse before going on the mental rampage that will follow. I thought it said to "cut off your hand or arm and throw it in the fire". And I'm telling you this because now in hindsight I see that it was the wrong words- pretty similar sentiment- but wrong. However, I must be true to my story, so I'll keep going with it - wrong words and all! :)

... so anyway...I found myself chanting "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!" "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!" "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!"

"Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!"

I said this over and over. I was PRAISING Jesus with it! It was awesome!! As I was saying it  -"Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!" "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!" - I saw that I was running low on gas, so I pulled into the gas station (all the while saying - out loud- "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!" "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!"). I got out of my car... put my credit card in the gas pump ["Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!"] and pumped gas... I don't even know how much I pumped or payed... but I was thinking: "Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!"- and then I said- OH- I have to go to the bathroom... let me just go inside and go....

I went into the [oh-so-fabulous] Sheetz...

Feel this: scene & mood change accompanied by some elevator music of the mind:
....and all of a sudden I found myself using the touch screen computer system to order myself a fancy frozen marshmellow flavored mocha and then while it was being prepared, I perused the aisles for something to quench my cravings....first I found watermelon sour patch kids and then a cup of fruit and then a bag of little pieces of cookie dough....

WHAT???

All I'm saying is that it's WHACKED that I was talking to God about that (being consumed by my cravings and the fact that I have to cut it off at the source) and then BLATANTLY did the opposite of what I knew I needed to do.

It's CRAZY.

I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. (Romans 7:15)

It's crazy.
Just wanted to share.

Jesus is in me

The coolest thing just happened.
...and I mean the COOLEST!

Ok- so I've been a little tortured in the last few days - I think I'm "PMSing" - and today I am at an all time "bratty-to-myself" high. I'm struggling with self-loathing which comes from my indulgent nature and lack of self-control (which comes from me giving in to self and satan a little - just by thinking about giving in, I open the door to think about it a little more...and then a little more...and then I'm just gonna get close to it...and then I'm just gonna try it and then stop and then it's not tooooo bad. It's not really bad at all. It's normal. What was I thinking in the first place? There's nothing wrong with this. --> Then voila!!! I'm sitting in a pit of self-indulgent sin!!

Oh but I am so blessed to have friends to "talk me off the cliff". :) :) 

Per one of these "get off the cliff, Carissa" suggestions, I was just in the restroom, stepping away from life for a minute to take a breath and talk to God. Frankly, I didn't have many words for Him. I am watching myself trying to stop myself from talking to Him (because I don't want to hear what He has to say because He will tell me that I have to stop doing what I'm doing).

But check out what happened... I was washing my hands and something prompted me to look in the mirror (I never do that. I don't usually like what I see, so I don't bother looking (<-- yes, I see that. I'll deal with that someday. Thank you for pointing it out! :)). However, it was SO awesome because when I looked at myself in the mirror, I caught a glimpse in my eyes and when I did- I saw .... check this out.... JESUS in them!! I DID!! I saw Jesus IN ME. I saw eyes that weren't mine. They were sparkly with the most perfect sparkles and deeper than I've ever seen. They were piercing and beautiful and they comforted me.

God captured my attention and my heart and ministered to me just by looking at me through me.

Whaaaaaat?

Yes.
I know.
God is SOOOOO COOOOOOL!!

By the way, I looked again and didn't see it. I don't think I'm going to be able to magically see Jesus in myself all the time- that was a gift. A totallycoolradicalfantisticamazingperfectmiraculous gift!!!

<3

Bathroom rug

Today God gave me a blue bathroom rug!

Yeah!! And this is not just ANY bathroom rug- but a MIRACULOUS bathroom rug! A total GIFT from the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE!!

How cool is that?
Too cool.
:)
Tooooo coooool!


* ok, I know... I know. You want the story... and there actually isn't much of a story... but I'll give it to ya anyway!

Do you know that little rug that is supposed to lay outside your tub to sop up the water that drips off you when you step out of the shower? It's pretty important!! Umm...well....I guess it's not really that important... but in our plushy little lives that we are used to living- that is a staple. Here- here's a picture of one (thank you Google):

So for whatever reason I haven't had one for a couple months. I just kept putting off buying a new one but then this Monday (2 days ago) I was at the store and saw one on clearance for $7. I ALLLLLMOST bought it and then decided against it and said these words "God will provide one for me when it's time to have one".

WHY was I thinking that way? Why was my brain working like that? Why did I go there when I could have easily bought one. I even had the money in my wallet! ...but for some reason I decided to let God give one to me. Odd.

Not so odd though- because God just wanted to show me how TOTALLY COOL He is!

Today I was at my sister's house and I saw a shower rug sitting on her piano bench. I don't know what moved me to ask her about it, but before I knew it- she said she had bought the wrong color and that I could have it!!!

A blue shower rug that is given as a gift from God = priceless!
<3