Yep. That's what I think. <--- and it makes me want to BARF!!!!!!
Ugh.
I have been DECEIVED by my own pride and desire to control and judge people. I am essentially making myself into a little "god" who thinks that I can RULE and REIGN on the throne of my life (and my friends too!) and it's SICK-O!!!
*ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!*
Oh, but I feel better now that that's out there. :) Let me get ALLLL the ICK out! I can't keep holding all this stuff in! It just multiplies itself and takes me further and further from the only One who matters. I can't...won't... keep pretending that I'm GOOD. I'm NOT. I'm a MESS like all of the human race and our sin nature and our enemy-twisted minds!
I say all this with LOVE for myself... not self-created love, but ABUNDANT LOVE that flows from the Source who lives in me! God loves me SO MUCH that He continues to answer my prayer to "show me me"!! I'm SO blessed. SO blessed.
I KNOW in my head that "it's not about me"- but my pride- my ego- my self- my flesh heart is constantly trying to make it about me- EVEN while in an "it's not about me posture". Isn't that crazy? I'm sooooo TWISTED that I try to twist myself into thinking that I'm one of the untwisted ones!!! wow.
Anyway, I'm trying to drag all the darkness out into the light. I just wanted to admit how judgmental I am. How I judge others and try to fit them into MY expectations and if they don't fit there, I either try to make them fit there (if I feel they are "worthy", OR I write them off as not worth my time/energy). I am controlling. I am prideful. I'm UGLY on the inside.
God revealed to me today that I have started holding onto [perceived] responsibility that He has given me as though it belongs to me. Helllllloooo, Carissa! Remember that you don't have any ACTUAL responsibility other than RESPONDING to the Lord when He speaks.... (and if I want to hear Him speak, I need to be in communion with Him, which technically makes me responsible for prayer and reading the Word.... yes... I digress... :))
Anyway, I don't need to put on any facades as though I think just because God chose me to do such and such (i.e. divine appointments to love on/talk to certain people or projects or assignments or activities or whatever) that I'm worth something. I am nothing but His BELOVED CHILD (which is EVERYTHING, aye?) :) But plllllease, for goodness sakes remember that:
Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. (Luke 14:11)
Today I was LOVING (with a capital L) 2 Chronicles!! There are SOOOOO many great stories in there!! (God talked to me specifically about Uzziah (which I can't get into now because I'm trying to keep my blog post length under control, but essentially He wanted to remind me to stay in my own lane and not to overstep my bounds (pride))....
Oh, but my POINT was that in Chapter 19 when Jehoshaphat (what a name!) was appointing Judges, he gave them this advice:
- Always think carefully before pronouncing judgment (v.6)
- Remember you do not judge to please people, but to please the Lord (v.6)
- Fear the Lord and judge with integrity (v.7)
- You must always act in the fear of the LORD, with faithfulness and an undivided heart. (v9)
- Take courage as you fulfill your duties, and may the LORD be with those who do what is right. (v.11)
The Word is SO FREAKING AWESOME!!!
Thank you God for giving it to us!!
LOVE!
<3
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