Le'Anna

One of the biggest blessings this year has been Le'Anna. My "angel" turned "best friend" turned "family" has been a HUGE gift of life and light and joy to me this year...

Le'Anna exemplifies Jesus. 
She LOVES God like NO OTHER.
She pours over God's Word - hungering for more and more Truth.
She turns from the sins and desires of the flesh and sets her eyes on Jesus.
She takes me to the "Throne Room" in prayer.
She randomly and beautifully belts out hymns and songs of praise!
She is teaching me communication skills and manners....
She is teaching me how to be considerate.
She is teaching me how to LOVE.

I am so grateful for the gift of Le'Anna (and Glory Beam) this year.
  

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Organic vs. Intentional

ponder that.

Organic vs. Intentional....

BEING "organic" v.s "intentional".... are they one against the other, or can they co-habitate? Can they work together? If so, how?

think. ponder. consider. let GOD reveal His way in all things....

Unpolished 2010 Recap Blog

He who began a good BLOG in you will carry it on to completion on the day of New Years Eve.... oh, that's not how Philippians 1:6 goes? Oooops!

I noticed that all the cool kids are doing "2010" recap blogs and thought that maybe I should follow suit. God had me start blogging in January of this year so I thought I should probably tie a bow on it as we wrap up 2010.

I haven't cordoned off any good time to really do an exhaustive study or even to just reflect on all that God has done in, through, and for me this year... I SHOULD do that though. That would be a really SMART thing to do. I should try to capture some of the big things He's done in the "real world" as well as in my heart.

Maybe I'll do a high level version of that now.

Let's see...
The biggest thing He did was give me a NEW LIFE!!! January 2, 2010 marked the beginning of a new life in Christ. I was BORN AGAIN that day- the old me poured out and the new me was born! I have not been the same since that point. I am so BLESSED to have had such a "Road to Damascus" conversion experience! God knows me so intimately that He knew that that was what I needed to remember it. Some people are gradually converted...they gradually surrender...but He took me to the blackest of black places and showed me that I would never find fulfillment on my own. He wooed me and showed me that SURRENDER was the only way to truly "win".

What else? God inspired me to reconcile my marriage. The other party (my ex-husband) did not hear the same thing I did so we did not reconcile, but I walked with Jesus as He revealed my role in the dissolution of the relationship between my husband and I. He showed me me and gave me a new heart to give to my husband. Joe ended up marrying another woman in August at which point I finally "felt" free and "single". The Lord continues to reveal and heal my "issues" with relationships and I love being clay in the hands of the One I trust.

The Lord took me to Africa and gave me new and wonderful experiences including perspective and visuals of His pure and undefiled children who are living in poverty (surrounded with spiritual riches).

I have been able to meet the most wonderful people- from the new family in Christ that He has surrounded me with:

- My "Life Group/Small Group"that God gave me to "do life" with.
- The role models and mentors at Journey Church that God let me serve with and learn from.
- The Africans and missionaries that I met during my trip to Uganda have left a lasting impression on me. I know the Lord will continue to use my experiences with them for His glory.
- The homeless men and women downtown who gave me a new perspective on poverty (Carissa, never forget Mark, Juanita, John & Nadia, Taylor, Judy, and Ed).
- The hearts of my heart- my best friends and sisters in Christ, Sayre, Le'Anna & Corie (and it's terrible to put a boy here, because he is NOT my "sister" in Christ, but He is my "soul brotha", Greg (who is patient, forgiving and kind and his friendship is providing a forum for me to learn how to relate to, respect and honor men).

Jobwise, I was able to have an amazing job at Farm Bureau Insurance Company through May of this year. Working for Christian bosses and having the time to research and worship God at work was wonderful. Even though I was working a full-time job, during that time I had the most "margin" in my life to seek God.

The Lord then gave me the opportunity to work for Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Triangle for juuuuust a minute (a month and a half, part time. I was supposed to go "full time" when I returned from Africa, but God had other plans). It was interesting because as I look back, I see God's hand on the whole thing- the way he orchestrated it all to build me up and show me that He can give me everything my heart desires. And then He showed me that the pleasures associated with what MY heart desires don't even TOUCH the possibilities that come with fulfillment through Christ. Back to BBBS- He worked it all out so that I would be a "placeholder" for one of His other children, Yvonne, to do a job that is a perfect fit and blessing for her. (Romans 8:28). It's too complex to explain here, but I'll just say that it was not by my power that anything worked out the way it did- it was all BY Him and FOR Him.

In June/July, God allowed me to take a leap of faith and go to work full-time for Him... He said HE was my boss and He would provide all I need (and He has)! He had me work on a project for someone in Africa (that I still don't know what to do with), and He had me hang out downtown and talk to people. He had me meet lots of new friends and spend time investing in their lives and building friendships and shining the love of Christ into their world. This was my favorite, He had me serving with Pastor Paul at Journey- I got to work alongside him on lots of the projects and initiatives that he was working on (the First Connect Party, The Men's Retreat, NRCA Senior Girls Awards Ceremony, NEXT, Spiritual Assessment Tool, Financial Class, among other things)....SO FUN!

I am just SO blessed!

This November into December I started feeling that God wanted me to take action. Growth from the seeds that He had planted this year started emerging. I started connecting the dots- the things that He had put on my heart over the course of the last year....things like the "burning heart" icon, and the passion for projects (that's been there a while), and the desire to share the stories of the amazing people God has introduced me to and connect them with help. As I prayed for direction and a name He responded and Christian Love Projects was born. This nonprofit (Godprofit) organization is in the infantile stage right now- it is a state recognized/incorporated charity with a tax ID number, but I am waiting to see where God takes it (IF it is His will).

I LOVE Journey and secretly wish I could just serve there and love on the people there always and forever, but I think God has given me additional responsibilities because I have the capacity in my life (and because I am his special chosen one!). I don't have a family to balance with (though I have an AMAZING dog!)... so I have more time than most. However I must never forget to prioritize the most important relationship I have- the one with my Redeemer, Best Friend, Counselor, Husband, Guide, Lover of my Soul- Jesus! I also need to prioritize some margin in my life so that in the moments of peace and nothingness I can respond to God's prompting for me to reach out and love those He places on my heart.

Pray:

God, show me me. (Show me YOU so I can see me as I am....a sinner and desperately in need of a Savior.)

Give me more capacity to love.

Give me eyes to see those who are lost and hurting and the means to respond.

Give me more room in my heart and soul for the Holy Spirit to fill me.... Holy Spirit, please fill me with more and more of You.

Give me wisdom, discernment, and the power to follow through with the plans you plant in my heart.

Protect me from the schemes of the evil one, and the weakness of my flesh.

Give me the desire and the strength to turn from the things of this world that separate me from You.

Help me to prioritize my time with You.

It's not about me- it's ALL ABOUT YOU.

Time is running out- help me to make the most of every opportunity.

This has gotten out of control.
I just wanted to say THANK YOU to JESUS for SAVING ME and giving me NEW LIFE and a PURPOSE by the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT who indwelled me on January 2nd of this year. I think I believe I was saved by believing earlier in my life. I was a Christian- but I hadn't SURRENDERED. When I did- I got a new life. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! It's all SO AWESOME!!!!

Um. I just also want to note (even though I'm going to sound like a snotty fruitcake) that I am HIGHLY FAVORED. I think this borders on bragging, but I am in AWE of God's goodness! He has given me the most amazing gift of discernment this year- He's allowed me to see into the spiritual realm in ways that are indescribable. I only have the gift when I am walking with Him. When I am, and when He shows me something to respond to and I am obedient- He is GLORIFIED. It is AMAZING! I would like to pray for Him to continue to hone this gift and to use me for His glory in 2011.

Lord, I lift your name on high!
Lord, I love to sing your praises!

"When deep calls to deep" - remember Brian Doerksen and the Glorious conference/

"The [triad] corner of light" - slipping into the hearts of others and interceding on their behalf. Worshiping and praying with Sayre & Paul (even though they don't know it! ha!)

"ABOHG" - All because of His Grace - our small group was one of the biggest blessings God gave me... "We grow best in the context of community" <--Journey/ Paul

My favorite song this year (still) is "Now and Forever" by Josh & Tasha Via.

My favorite person this year is GOD (then probably Sayre. Is that horrible to say out loud? She radiates the love of Jesus. She encourages and inspires and prays me closer to God. She is the best example of Christ I know. I have lots of people who are close runners up- but Sayre, my sister, my accountability partner, my prayer warrior, is my ONE).

My favorite book this year is the BIBLE (and I also loved "Hole in the Gospel", "Radical", and "The Pursuit of God".)

My favorite TV show this year is - NO time-wasting TV.

My favorite movie this year is - um - I guess - Narnia3

My favorite activity this year was going to Africa.

The biggest revelation of sin this year was PRIDE and CONTROL (but first "bitterness"...that was the blockage.) I hope that God takes away my gluttony in 2011 once and for all! Pray pray pray!

My favorite place is in the arms of Jesus! (And my favorite earthly, building-esque place is Journey Church.)

My favorite past-time this year was/is my walks in the woods with God and Rue. (Which reminds and spurs me to get AWAY from my computer and GO enjoy a WALK!!)


Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful year. As we move into 2011, please continue to show me favor and use me to make Jesus famous in this city, nation, and world. Amen.



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Reflection

I used to be someone else.
Wow.

Today I saw how different I am from who I was. I am floored. I don't really have any words for it except God is SO good. He has delivered me from such an ..... ICK....  place! WOW.

FIRST I was reflecting on my skydiving "habit". Today God showed me that He has been preparing me to JUMP for a long time...that He gave me my personality and desire to take risks and He even gave me a love for jumping out of planes. If that's not a leap of faith, I don't know what is! :)  I LOVED skydiving. I still do. I really want to go again when God lets me. The problem was my addiction to it (and the expense). I got licensed (cost $3,500+) and jumped 40 times.... but I couldn't afford the $5,000 rig (parachute) that I needed to buy, and then we moved. (Not to mention the fact that my [now ex] husband didn't support it, so I reluctantly "respected" his wishes.) It's all part of God's Sovereign plan though.... I see how it was just a seed.... it was Him preparing me and teaching me what it feels like to FLY! Here's a clip of me preparing for my first skydive. Look at how DIFFERENT I am!?!

Ready?

Carissa | Myspace Video

Anyway, yes, this will probably be a long blog post, because as I was looking at this old skydive stuff, I ran across one of my old blogs on MySpace.... I'm gonna share this here because it's really UCKY... (ugly/icky) and I am NOT this girl anymore. I am a new creation (2 Cor 5:17).  As you'll see, I used to battle with mental illness. I don't know if it was circumstantial, the effects of the meds, the effects of Satan, or if I really WAS bipolar- but either way, God has healed me. I haven't taken any medications for going on two years, and I am [for all intents and purposes] sane and well-balanced. :)  But look at this TRAIN-WRECK of a life I lived. This blog post was written in October of 2007:

keep track of the crazies
Current mood:anxious

okee doke. my friend heather said that it would be a good idea to keep track of this thing as i go through it. what thing? "thing"? the thing is this...last august i had my first and most horrific anxiety attack. i didn't realize that was what it was then, but i went to the hospital in an ambulance- SURE that i was having a heart attack. my blood pressure was 200 over 200 or something horrific...i can't really remember...it was 200 with something...anyway. it wasn't like anything i'd seen before.

long story short: i had an anxiety attack. they put me on atavan, then xanax- both of which were druggie drugs and made me addicted and messed up and i hated them. in the end i went to a shrink cuz i tried to get off the drugs myself and it didn't work...the anxiety attacks came back tenfold. the psychiatrist got me off Xanax and onto Trileptal (for seizures/bi-polar) and Zoloft...said i had to have BOTH of them. --> fast forward a few months...i wanted so badly to get OFF the meds so i talked (responsibly) to my therapist AND my psychiatrist and they both said "NO! DON'T DO IT!"...and scared me so much that i stayed on.

this went on for a long time. eventually the shrink put me on TWO MORE meds so in the end I am on Trileptal, Zoloft, Wellbutrin & Adderal.

this is ridiculous. i have been watching myself lose my: personality, sense of humor, memory, joy, and everything else that makes me tick. it finally occured to me last night that it is the drugs...NOT me. i was fine before the drugs - i was motivated and happy and peaceful and strong... and i will be better off without them!

sooooooo....i did some research today and made the (maybe not-so-smart) decision to take myself off these meds without the doctor (who will either convince me to stay on what i have or add another one to combat the effects of these).

i read that you should wean off slowly..taking up to a year to get off of all of them (screw that!)...or go to a 30 day inpatient withdrawl program at the hospital (don't think so!). that going off them suddenly will cause terrible side effects like psychosis, seeing things/hallucinations, hearing voices, BRAIN ZAPS, anxiety, depression, seizures, possible strokes, etc...  yeah. and for some reason i still think that going through these things is better than staying on the drugs for longer. i just want them OUT of my system! i HATE them. i hate who they make me.

...to me it's like ripping the band-aid off quickly.

...some people say that i might not recover from this though...that it might make me permanently crazy...

i'm ANGRY that someone created these things and doctors push them ALL for big business. "they" admit to not knowing how they actually work or what the side effects are going to be. they KNOW that people will struggle to get off of them...but somehow it's more important to get them ON them? i don't know.

i feel so much passion about this horrible error of ways, but due to over-drugging on the parts of the psychiatrists of the world, i am unable to express myself. f.

well. i didn't take my meds today. day one. it's been a bit weird. i can tell that i'm "not right"...but besides heart palpitations, panic attacks and vivid (sweat-the-bed-through) dreams this evening- i'm fine.

i'm so scared of the brain zaps.

anyway. lets see what happens.

good article: http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2007/08/08/the-art-of-living-and-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

ok...day two: took one 300mg trileptal & 100mg zoloft. pretty much slept all day. day three...took half (50mg) zoloft and that's it. i think i'll do that for a while and see what happens. incidentally, i am just sleeping a lot. not feeling motivated to do anything. as far as side effects go...i think i realized that i LIKE the brain zaps...if they are what i think they are, then i've had them before and i think they feel good. i thought they would be like SCARY and PAINFUL electric shocks to the brain...but these are like soft electric shocks... yesterday and the day before I had lots of anxiety- especially in the late afternoon/evening...but i'm feeling fine in that dept today. anyway. we'll see. i go to see shrink-man on Wed. until then i'll try to just do the 50mg of zoloft. oh. apparently Gail doesn't think this is a good idea either. no one does. but whatever. i'm gonna get rid of this and find me. seeeee...i can't even express myself...i  don't have the imagination, drive or clarity to explain what is going on with me, but i keep trying. keep fighting the fog.

day 6 or 7... middle of the night. yeah. i can't really sleep. last night i took two tylenol PMs and a benadryl to sleep and then i couldn't wake up until after 10am. gah. anyway....being off the meds is....GREAT! i can feel again. it's so weird. i realize now that i was really living in a fog...almost like treading through a 5 ft deep vat of mud... i had to think through HOW to get to my thoughts...it was really tiring. i'm feeling emotion again. granted i've cried quite a bit (which is a miracle cuz i hadn't cried for like a year... even when i had my melt down and moved into the crackhouse in Bristol...i still didn't shed one tear)... anyway...i feel. i think. i see. i laugh. i have hope. i have access to my thoughts on the present (as opposed to just living it and hoping it will all connect). i have had some anxiety and depression symptoms (chest pain/ache, itchiness, insatiable appetite, desire to drink, can't sleep or sleep too much)...but i really think i'm better off as i am right now...on half a dose of zoloft. i went to the psychiatrist who is supporting my decision, just wants to keep monitoring me. nice guy.

joe all of a sudden, in the last week or so, has decided that he HATES me though. pretty much sucks. he took back all the swearing and stuff and downgraded the "hate" to "does not like" me... but i think it is really getting to him that 1. i need him now and he doesn't have the capacity with everything else in his life to take care of me. 2. that i have different religious views than him. i don't like man-made religion. i don't like laws and hate and condemnation. i like love and creation. and 3...i am too "immature" for him. a 30yr old shouldn't behave like i do. he's probably right...but i am a free spirit. huh. i've never called myself that before. but i am.

Crazy. I'm SO GLAD that I have been SAVED from that life. JESUS LOVES ME SO. Wow.
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God movie

...I have no words to describe how wonderful and powerful and TRUTH-full The Chronicles of Narnia (movie) was.... I loved it deeply and was so blessed by the opportunity to see it (in 3D) with some of my favorite people tonight! The Spirit of God fell upon my soul and revealed truths to me in a new and fresh way through this film. I was SO BLESSSSSSSSED!

God, thank you for working through C.S. Lewis and please bless the families of those You ordained to bring this film to the masses. Amen.

The Chronicles of Narnia Clip: Sea of Lilies

"We have nothing if not belief" ~ Reepicheep
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MIA

I've been MIA in the blogosphere for a while, aye? Yep. I may stay MIA too, I'm not sure yet... but I felt like I should come throw myself a bone here. (Remember, I blog for ME... this is like my online Journal which I let YOU read too!  :))

Topics that are on my heart and bubbling up in my life. (These would make great blog topics but I can't commit to writing about them now so I'll just list them and come back to them if God leads me to do so!):
         * FAITH - gotta have it.
         * God's transcendent nature and the impact it has on human life and death.
         * The importance of remaining rooted in the Lord through good communication habits.
         * Cut the soul ties - no boys allowed! 
         * The REMNANT. I just want to talk about them.
         * The POWER and MIRACULOUS nature of, in, and through PRAYER.
         * I'm PREGNANT!  The gestation period: preparing to birth God's [brain] child! 

Hebrews 10:24-25 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

God let me be a part of two of the most amazing nights of encouragement!
First, the Lord made a way for some of my closest friends to get together and encourage one another .... it was SUCH a gift from God (that He planted a vision and plan in the heart of one of His kids who was SO OBEDIENT in fulfilling what He had her do to edify the body.)  My takeaway (besides being enormously blessed) was that I must remember to invest myself in building up the body and equipping the saints for works of ministry (Eph 4:12).

Then to top it all off, the very next day He let me help the North Raleigh Christian Academy's senior girls put on a "superlatives" presentation with an "Academy Awards" feel at Journey. These awards were no ordinary "superlatives" awards though....they didn't just have awards for "Best Eyes" and "Best Hair"....they had awards such as "Most Christ-like" and "Most Humble", etc.!! WOW!! Their encouragement for one another encouraged me....
I am just highly favored. An heir of the MOST HIGH.
As my friend Yvonne likes to say-- > "WOW GOD"!!!


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