Reflection

I used to be someone else.
Wow.

Today I saw how different I am from who I was. I am floored. I don't really have any words for it except God is SO good. He has delivered me from such an ..... ICK....  place! WOW.

FIRST I was reflecting on my skydiving "habit". Today God showed me that He has been preparing me to JUMP for a long time...that He gave me my personality and desire to take risks and He even gave me a love for jumping out of planes. If that's not a leap of faith, I don't know what is! :)  I LOVED skydiving. I still do. I really want to go again when God lets me. The problem was my addiction to it (and the expense). I got licensed (cost $3,500+) and jumped 40 times.... but I couldn't afford the $5,000 rig (parachute) that I needed to buy, and then we moved. (Not to mention the fact that my [now ex] husband didn't support it, so I reluctantly "respected" his wishes.) It's all part of God's Sovereign plan though.... I see how it was just a seed.... it was Him preparing me and teaching me what it feels like to FLY! Here's a clip of me preparing for my first skydive. Look at how DIFFERENT I am!?!

Ready?

Carissa | Myspace Video

Anyway, yes, this will probably be a long blog post, because as I was looking at this old skydive stuff, I ran across one of my old blogs on MySpace.... I'm gonna share this here because it's really UCKY... (ugly/icky) and I am NOT this girl anymore. I am a new creation (2 Cor 5:17).  As you'll see, I used to battle with mental illness. I don't know if it was circumstantial, the effects of the meds, the effects of Satan, or if I really WAS bipolar- but either way, God has healed me. I haven't taken any medications for going on two years, and I am [for all intents and purposes] sane and well-balanced. :)  But look at this TRAIN-WRECK of a life I lived. This blog post was written in October of 2007:

keep track of the crazies
Current mood:anxious

okee doke. my friend heather said that it would be a good idea to keep track of this thing as i go through it. what thing? "thing"? the thing is this...last august i had my first and most horrific anxiety attack. i didn't realize that was what it was then, but i went to the hospital in an ambulance- SURE that i was having a heart attack. my blood pressure was 200 over 200 or something horrific...i can't really remember...it was 200 with something...anyway. it wasn't like anything i'd seen before.

long story short: i had an anxiety attack. they put me on atavan, then xanax- both of which were druggie drugs and made me addicted and messed up and i hated them. in the end i went to a shrink cuz i tried to get off the drugs myself and it didn't work...the anxiety attacks came back tenfold. the psychiatrist got me off Xanax and onto Trileptal (for seizures/bi-polar) and Zoloft...said i had to have BOTH of them. --> fast forward a few months...i wanted so badly to get OFF the meds so i talked (responsibly) to my therapist AND my psychiatrist and they both said "NO! DON'T DO IT!"...and scared me so much that i stayed on.

this went on for a long time. eventually the shrink put me on TWO MORE meds so in the end I am on Trileptal, Zoloft, Wellbutrin & Adderal.

this is ridiculous. i have been watching myself lose my: personality, sense of humor, memory, joy, and everything else that makes me tick. it finally occured to me last night that it is the drugs...NOT me. i was fine before the drugs - i was motivated and happy and peaceful and strong... and i will be better off without them!

sooooooo....i did some research today and made the (maybe not-so-smart) decision to take myself off these meds without the doctor (who will either convince me to stay on what i have or add another one to combat the effects of these).

i read that you should wean off slowly..taking up to a year to get off of all of them (screw that!)...or go to a 30 day inpatient withdrawl program at the hospital (don't think so!). that going off them suddenly will cause terrible side effects like psychosis, seeing things/hallucinations, hearing voices, BRAIN ZAPS, anxiety, depression, seizures, possible strokes, etc...  yeah. and for some reason i still think that going through these things is better than staying on the drugs for longer. i just want them OUT of my system! i HATE them. i hate who they make me.

...to me it's like ripping the band-aid off quickly.

...some people say that i might not recover from this though...that it might make me permanently crazy...

i'm ANGRY that someone created these things and doctors push them ALL for big business. "they" admit to not knowing how they actually work or what the side effects are going to be. they KNOW that people will struggle to get off of them...but somehow it's more important to get them ON them? i don't know.

i feel so much passion about this horrible error of ways, but due to over-drugging on the parts of the psychiatrists of the world, i am unable to express myself. f.

well. i didn't take my meds today. day one. it's been a bit weird. i can tell that i'm "not right"...but besides heart palpitations, panic attacks and vivid (sweat-the-bed-through) dreams this evening- i'm fine.

i'm so scared of the brain zaps.

anyway. lets see what happens.

good article: http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2007/08/08/the-art-of-living-and-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

ok...day two: took one 300mg trileptal & 100mg zoloft. pretty much slept all day. day three...took half (50mg) zoloft and that's it. i think i'll do that for a while and see what happens. incidentally, i am just sleeping a lot. not feeling motivated to do anything. as far as side effects go...i think i realized that i LIKE the brain zaps...if they are what i think they are, then i've had them before and i think they feel good. i thought they would be like SCARY and PAINFUL electric shocks to the brain...but these are like soft electric shocks... yesterday and the day before I had lots of anxiety- especially in the late afternoon/evening...but i'm feeling fine in that dept today. anyway. we'll see. i go to see shrink-man on Wed. until then i'll try to just do the 50mg of zoloft. oh. apparently Gail doesn't think this is a good idea either. no one does. but whatever. i'm gonna get rid of this and find me. seeeee...i can't even express myself...i  don't have the imagination, drive or clarity to explain what is going on with me, but i keep trying. keep fighting the fog.

day 6 or 7... middle of the night. yeah. i can't really sleep. last night i took two tylenol PMs and a benadryl to sleep and then i couldn't wake up until after 10am. gah. anyway....being off the meds is....GREAT! i can feel again. it's so weird. i realize now that i was really living in a fog...almost like treading through a 5 ft deep vat of mud... i had to think through HOW to get to my thoughts...it was really tiring. i'm feeling emotion again. granted i've cried quite a bit (which is a miracle cuz i hadn't cried for like a year... even when i had my melt down and moved into the crackhouse in Bristol...i still didn't shed one tear)... anyway...i feel. i think. i see. i laugh. i have hope. i have access to my thoughts on the present (as opposed to just living it and hoping it will all connect). i have had some anxiety and depression symptoms (chest pain/ache, itchiness, insatiable appetite, desire to drink, can't sleep or sleep too much)...but i really think i'm better off as i am right now...on half a dose of zoloft. i went to the psychiatrist who is supporting my decision, just wants to keep monitoring me. nice guy.

joe all of a sudden, in the last week or so, has decided that he HATES me though. pretty much sucks. he took back all the swearing and stuff and downgraded the "hate" to "does not like" me... but i think it is really getting to him that 1. i need him now and he doesn't have the capacity with everything else in his life to take care of me. 2. that i have different religious views than him. i don't like man-made religion. i don't like laws and hate and condemnation. i like love and creation. and 3...i am too "immature" for him. a 30yr old shouldn't behave like i do. he's probably right...but i am a free spirit. huh. i've never called myself that before. but i am.

Crazy. I'm SO GLAD that I have been SAVED from that life. JESUS LOVES ME SO. Wow.
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