Stop Looking Back

I keep looking back at who I was and what I did.
What comes out of this is UNHEALTHY. It makes me want what I had and be who I was instead of being GRATEFUL for today and where God has me NOW.

I can't help but wonder if I've backslidden. I just read some of my blogs from October of 2010 and they are jam packed with great scripture! But now I have traded my affinity toward knowing scripture "addresses" for what I *think* is a "deeper understanding" of what the Book means and how it fits together.

I still feel in the dark about what God is communicating to us through it. I would like clarification on what "The Kingdom" means. The gospel...or good news... is about the Kingdom which is (was) near. Is this the rescue and redemption of the Jews that, because of their sin, had been scattered from their land of milk and honey? What were the Jews looking for when they were looking for their "Messiah"? What was the perception of Heaven and Hell back then? Did Jews think they were just going to die (Ecclesiastes 3:20)? Or did they believe in eternal life?

HOW are we to worship Jesus? What does it mean to abide in Christ? To live in him? To put on the new man? What's the difference between God and god? Am I member of Elohiym? Can you even BE a "member" of Elohiym. Was Jesus? Is Elohiym in Jehovah? And Jehovah in Elohiym? WHO are YE in the "ye are gods" (John 10:34, Psalm 82)?

Which world did Christ create? "Worlds" in Hebrews 1:2 means "age, or Messianic period". But before Abraham was, Jesus (Christ?) existed (John 8:58).

Who are the "mansions" that Jesus refers to in John 14:2? Was Moses a mansion? Hebrews 3:3 seems to say that but that God (or Jesus) BUILT the house! Yes... in John Jesus said that he goes to "prepare a place" for us. It doesn't say that HE IS the place. But we are to be IN him....baptized (made whelmed) INTO the name (character and authority) of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost (Matthew 28:19).

Jesus is the channel. He superimposes himself on us. He covers us. He goes before us. He is the example (1 Peter 2:21). He was the first born and then if God deems it, we are conformed to his image and the first born among many brethren (Romans 8:29). We are supposed to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23). We are to drink the cup that he drinks (Matthew 20:23). Is this the cup of suffering or wrath/fury (Jeremiah 25:15)? Are WE supposed to take on ourselves the sins of others? Is this what forgiving others means? Humbling myself. Making myself of none effect. 

There are so many questions and thoughts like this going around in my head- the more I know, the less I know. One thing I JUST discoveredrememberedvalued while I was writing this, was that I must continue in the Word (John 8:31-32). My life and thoughts are driven by it. I need it.

Anyway... I must continue in my pursuit.
I feel frustrated yet grateful for the fact that I am getting more homely... less able to relate with the rest of the world. My conversation is becoming less interesting to others (or myself). I am still in the world, but the Lord is answering my prayer to make me poor in spirit, meek, gentle. I still have much "charisma", but it is less about me and more about the Lord. I am SO in process. I'm like an awkward adolescent right now. I must embrace this time. I am in the wilderness. (So Carissa, DO NOT do as the Israelites did and complain and whine and stop believing God. Where did that get them? 40 years more of wandering and the loss of entering into his rest (Hebrews 3:16-19).) EMBRACE this time!

Listen and obey.
TRUST God (not humans, not flesh).
LOVE Tyrone (and others).
LET GO of my self and expectations.
It's not about me.

HUMBLE MYSELF.

<3