Feel it in the body

As I held Rayah the tree this morning I realized that - 9/9:48 - all this is to help me learn to FEEEEEEL ... what does it feel like to love too much? What does it feel like to feel neglected? What does it feel like to feel hurt? What does it feel like to feel selfish? What does it feel like to feel like a victim? How is it moving through my body? 

As I felt into it, tears started flowing - snot too, as is the case.

This is negative ego clearing opportunity. This is the healing opportunity.

How can I keep moving forward in love? How can I forgive? How can I not hold grudges or try to punish? How can I witness that in Paul (punishing through the removal of affection/love)? 

Was it about the dishes? Because I felt he SHOULD do the dishes... he played with drones and watched TV ... I worked and cooked. But I know he doesn't want to. He didn't do the laundry. He has taken a week and a half to put his stuff away. This is VV. Nothing matters. What matters is that I am starting to believe people who have said he is taking advantage of me - not wanting to work. This is the "M.O." of the reversal or jacked up masculine who eschews responsibility, triggering the dark mother to begin her shaming and manipulation tactics which further damage him. I don't want to get into that again. I've played it over and over.... at least with Joe and Tyrone in a big way. And I'm not interested in doing it again.

Is "Do ME and let Paul BE" the way to overcome it. Just keep my eyes on me...  BUT how do I then show love and service to my beloved? Do I cook for him and clean for him and love him? It seems like it will lead to a divided heart... bitterness. That bitterness was what got me with Joe...it enslaved me so badly. I was doing because I thought I was supposed to and doing outside of my heart's will. I was so hurt and still trying to "do the right thing". It was a form of cognitive dissonance... where I 9/10:00 acted outside of accordance of how I felt. Is this kind of cognitive dissonance harmful when I am doing "good" (or perceived good) when it isn't in alignment with a hurt and bitter heart that just wanted to do NOTHING? This is the question.

This is the question for today too. How do I work with these feelings and Paul? Pretend like I'm strong and not hurt? Bring it forward to discuss with him? AUTHENTICITY is always the answer, Beloved.

I just have to let everything unfold naturally, I suppose. Try to stay aligned to my heart and feel my body and grounded into the earth and love and then just flow from there. Okay. (Easier said than done, I'm sure! But we'll try!)

10:44/9 10:48/9 9/11:43 9/11:44 12:12/9 12:13/9 12:21 12:24/9 12:34/9

God just sent me a broken Amaryllis flower... dropped off by Amazon. I thought maybe Paul sent it ... but that was a fantasy. GOD SENT IT. I don't know what to do. GOOGLE IT SILLY! 9/12:48

7:44 88:18 9/9:36 9/9:54