My Head & My Heart

 This is the name of the song that touched me just now. A techno-y song by Ava Max...but that's what I'm going through. (My last post was a song title too.)

Anyway, I need to do a brain dump and just type to myself. I've been talking and a little texting on my Journal App which has really been the main place I've been processing...but it's more like just dumping or blathering. I think I process a little better when I type. 

The Devil's Walking Stick oracle card came true... by going on the dating apps, it brought this complication in my life.... but it is leading to growth, I hope. Learning to be honest and authentic and letting the chips fall where they may.

I love Ryan.

I also feel a deep kinship that could ripen into love (and felt like love, but I was trying to be mature and not say it) with Clifford.

I have loved Ryan a long time... it was unrequited love.... and now he's had some massive awakening (a dream come true) and loves me back and is saying and seeing all the things I've longed for the whole time. And I don't trust it. But it feels really real. 

It took me a long time and lots of heartbreak and pep talks to finally let go of Ryan and move on. 

And I met a really amazing guy who I really like who has a lot going for him! The downfall is that he's still married. He has been separated since last December (but really only living in separate bedrooms during the weekends and living in a different house during the week). The divorce isn't imminent as they are waiting for each other to file. And I remembered that I was with Paul when he was still technically married (although 10+ years out of that relationship since he'd even seen or talked to her). 

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Sorry, I got distracted. I wrote a good honest note to Ryan.
The fact is, I love Ryan. My heart lights up when I am with him. 

We need time. I need to know that what Ryan is and is offering is real. And now I've hurt him and he will need to heal from that. 

"Give time time." 

Poor Clifford though. :(
Dang devil's walking stick. 

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“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”~Yoda

My smoke alarm strangeness was a message and from God or Guardians, etc... warning.... pay attention. 

My spleen and left side and wound of christ is part of a clearning

the EMF and ungroundedness and anxiety and stuff happening in my body is all part of what's going on right now

They are karmic patterns going around... I'm listening to the October update... I got pulled away... but these are my people and the information comforts me.

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Ryan is being super sweet... fighting for me... it feels really real and lovely and I don't want him to have to hurt or fight. He's my guy. He IS my guy. I knew it. I knew it when I first looked at him. So many layers and veils to get beyond but we've done it. 

I need to be all in with Ryan. Period. I WANT to be all in with Ryan, period.