So much

Feeling like so much is happening. Grateful for ES and returning to it for support. I need to be careful with those energies... not too much at one time. But there is clarity, peace, reminders to care for myself, etc.

I am grateful for YoQi and movement.

I'm grateful that the days are getting longer.

Not sure what's going on with Ryan, but I do feel - when he pulls away, I guess... or other influences?? Talking to Mike the IT guy? - but I think about Clifford. I think about him regularly, honestly. But I gave him my heart so quickly, which was scary and weird and part of my right brain living... which I think is serious here...

I'm so influenced by other's energies and suggestions... seeds are planted so easily in my brain.

I want a partnership. I want someone who wants to take care of me too. Who wants to support me and guide me and be my container, protector, etc. Who wants to live with me and wants the best for me. And sometimes I think it could be Ryan. But he's very moody and not very motivated and definitely not wanting to be my leader and provider (controller, yes). But sometimes he's so sweet and kind...we laugh and play and he's compassionate and generous. It's just not consistent. So I need to wait... to give it more time....but how much more time? And in the meantime, do I drown? 

Wanting to be with my animals at home.
Needing self care - need to float, do acupuncture, and chiropractic, and eat well. Support my body to find her setpoint.

But I might have let a demon in, by allowing myself to think about Clifford... and then look at his social media pages (which aren't much). Today's AG pick seems very relevant:https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Destructive_Doorways

To all this.

Resist negative thoughts or those that take me OFF. Focus on the positive. How beautiful my life with Ryan is and can be. What fuels me? What makes me happy? Caring for my body, home, family, etc... and thinking about human nature. Healing and trauma release. Supporting family and friends. Relaxing in the sun. Shopping and playing and finding pleasure - cooking, bathing, exploring, shopping... maybe TV, but not too much. TV is a big part of Ryan's life. It's not for me and I don't want it to be. 

I want the gym and exercise to be. I need to make sure my animals are okay, and if they are, then I'm okay. 

Ryan has such a beautiful heart. I love him so much and he loves me. Why would I dream of someone else? Why is the grass possibly greener on the other side? It doesn't feel like it, necessarily, but maybe we don't fit together just right? He vehemently dislikes my interest in what he calls "conspiracy theories"... I like to consider other points of view. 

I don't know. And the fact that he doesn't do what he says he will do always and doesn't exhibit wanting to partner with me financially (or be more of the man... he'd scoff... if I wanted to be a stay at home wife.... which I only half want because I love my job... but I want a man who wants me to be happy, not to be happy off my back.)

He isn't attracted to me and doesn't make moves to pleasure me - I almost said "ever", but it's just very very rare. A couple times in the last few months. Mostly he's waiting for me to pleasure him. And he both wants me to take initiative and resents it if I drop hints that I have desires too... I guess that energy is one of pulling... or pushing... he maybe likes the flow and if I am longing for him, he likes that. But he doesn't initiate often.

Anyway... these are regular people problems. There is no perfect relationship. Am I in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with me? He seems to much of the time, but sometimes, like yesterday, he drops off. And my issue is that when that happens, I feel that stark/lack and fill it with fantasies of someone else. I guess? Or did it start with that nice - 30 min only - but great - conversation with Mike? So interesting. I like to talk to other people too. But I don't like to be single. I need to figure out what I want. 

I want a loving relationship with Ryan. Including security. And to do and think what makes me happy.