Too hard

Too much drama.

Too much blame.

Too much gaslighting. (I guess we are both gaslighting? He says he feels gaslit and I feel that that's gaslighting me on top of already feeling like I'm being told and shown that I'm crazy and that my experience isn't real or true. That my perception is a lie. That feels like straight up gaslighting to me too.) I guess we have opposing perspectives.

I want peace. 

I want quiet and nature and sunlight and rest and love and joy and nourishment.

I want someone invested in wanting to co-create peace and pleasure and happiness.

I don't want to force and push or try to convince someone to want to go to the next step with me. I don't want to think about, focus on, remind myself and him that 4.5 months ago he said he'd move in the next day and get down on one knee. On our first date he said he'd build me a house but he backtracked on that too...though he seems to have come around...but I don't care. I wanted him to build US a house... a life... to be my container and to want to love and care for me so I could live my created purpose as a nurturing, loving wife and free spirit. This doesn't work for him.

Ryan and I are good friends. We love each other. But our lives and dreams and energies don't align. He is not driven at all and I don't want to be prodding him along.. I want to be inspired, encouraged, swept away, and also to have time for myself. I want my desires to be honored. I want someone who wants to "make love" with me. Who wants to pleasure me. Who is attracted to me. I need to be attracted to myself and take care of myself. Ryan would like me if I were thinner, but he'd still be using me... sucking off of me...he wants lust... it's all he knows. And doesn't want to learn or build love like that. He will call it "soul connecting" and there's truth to that and that's good and I like that, but I want more. And he doesn't actually DO any "soul connecting". 

I'm tired of trying to force and keep our connection by sucking him. I want someone invested in keeping our connection too by loving on me. He does things for me.... things around the house.. and it's great and I love it, and that's his love language ... and I do like it but I want physical connection and commitment and ... all the love languages (which is what I like to give too). 

Big rubs/issues:

Lack of Ambition

Lack of wanting to give love or physical attention

Doesn't do what he says he's going to do

Doesn't respect others' time

Doesn't want nice things.... he has an idea that his car is a nice thing... so he thinks he's worthy of a few things... he likes to primp in the mirror and he thinks his car is nice and I think he thinks some of his cloths are nice... those aren't nice to me... but he likes them. He doesn't invision a nice home or vacations which is what I like. He's proud of (and rightfully so... I don't want to take away from how far he's come) his RV home. I have grown to love my home - a trailer, ha! - but I would love something more substantial. 

But let me come back to what's real... peace. That's what I really want... rest in my soul.... presence, satisfaction, contentment, relaxed outlook, happiness, peace....inner joy. 

I need to Source those mySelf. 
I need to own my life. I don't need anyone to complete me.
Take care of my body. Take care of my animals. Take care of my home. Be disciplined and financially responsible. Eat well - nourish myself. Exercise. Spend time in nature. Meditate, breathe, relax, play.

I need a break from all the people...be with myself. I love this.

___

My AG pick was: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Heart_Brain_Unification_in_Empathy

Empathy has been a big theme this week...coming up all over the place, and especially with Ryan. I need to have empathy for and with him. He hurts and is confused and feels judged and tries so hard and it's not good enough. (In my eyes.) That's got to be rough. I need to do this meditation and sink into my heart. 

Making progress

 Ryan and I are making progress. Repairing fights faster. He is reading a "quit smoking" book that his Dad gave him the same day that we fought about it. Seems aligned with the universe. I was also inadvertently using words that are in that book like "magical" and "trap".... I hope he can kick it.

We had a beautiful day yesterday. He drove so calmly and kindly and I felt safe and happy. We took the boys to Raleigh on a walk at Falls Lake and then to see Page (Sunshine has worms - eep!), and then did a Costco/TJs run. And then his laundry and then helped Michael - we both lent him our cars. 

Today I got up at 5am (which felt like 4am since yesterday was daylight savings springing forward)....and I went to the gym! It was very hard and I felt very weak. My muscles seemed non-existent. Very bad. But I'm going to come back.  And I think it's nice to get it all out of the way in the wee hours. And it gives me a break from devices... I really think my phone is killing me... zapping and frying me. 

I am choosing now to do more intentional breathing exercises, visualization exercises with light and healing, meditation, prayer, and gratitude.

I got really freaked out when I pulled this up... I think I have this...https://drlwilson.com/Articles/RAYNAUDS.HTM... the other day it hurt to walk because my feet are so cold. It hurts so bad. And I think it's the sugar and lack of exercise that is doing it to me. My pendulum also agreed that I've made myself sick, but I can get better and I don't need to go to a doctor. I've been feeling mind control pulses that pills and doctors will help me.... just take a pill...go to a mental hospital...all that... and it's not true. I just need to exercise, sleep, eat well, love well, and watch the electronic devices. Get breaks and grounding from them. I've been mentally a bit unstable... catching myself being mean to Ryan, etc. And hopeless. But everything is beautiful!

I have been overwhelmed....just too much...or the way I am looking at it... with work ...both works. Especially Malai. Feeling overwhelmed as Brya Zan is looming. And my friends wanting to go to Texas. It's just a lot.

And the financial pickle I've put myself in .... $50k in debt in a year and a half. It's not okay. But I will get out of it. 

And I will work out.

I'm wearing pants that fit today (big ones), but it feels so much nicer. To breathe. 

I hate smoking

"You’re fucking wrong

You’re a fucking dooshbag

Everybody doesn’t fucking think like you

You have the fucking problem

Are you able to think outside of the fucking box

Are you able to see how your words are inflammatory and insulting

You’re doing nothing wrong

Wake the fuck up

Not the way to express your feelings"

(All the while he was chain smoking. Gross.)

He admits to blowing smoke on me and smoke boxing me in the car and knows it’s wrong to do it to his cats but it doesn’t stop him.

He was insulted by me sharing my feelings that it is thoughtless and rude to smoke around other people’s faces. It came up because I asked if he was okay with the fact that he couldn’t smoke on the property of the place we were staying at. And he said it’s outside, it’s air, and pushed against it. And I don’t like that. He just wants his stinky selfish way. And I don’t like it. It’s rude and gross. And it’s one thing to impose it upon me and another to impose it upon my friends and family. 

I don’t want to date a smoker. 

I love Ryan. But I am holding tight to the hope that he will quit. 

He’s playing video games now.

I wish I had recorded the swearing and insults… the only one I was able to capture was calling me a fucking dooshbag, but there were many. And he’s deflecting. He feels shame and bad as a result of my judgement. I shouldn’t judge, but I should set boundaries for myself and I can decide what I want to be around or not. And frankly I don’t want to be around it. It’s not my jam. It’s gross and rude. His response is the result of him feeling bad which is the result of my judgement and projections that he is rude…when he is trying to be nice. But he has a blind spot about it. 

Do I wait or not…for him to quit? I’ll wait. But maybe protect myself in the meantime. Love him but hold him at arms’ length until it’s safer. It’s not safe to be around someone who drives dangerously when he’s mad and smoke boxes me and doesn’t care and speaks with vitriol about my “pretty pink lungs”… a joke as he smokes around me. 

____ 

He appreciated that I saw that about judgement but doesn’t see how we can have a relationship without him smoking. And everything we do really does involve him smoking, in the car, on walks, as we walk in to stores, outside of stores, before and after he eats, while he drinks coffee, tea, crosswords, hanging out at his house, while he works, etc. It’s just insidious. I’m tired.

He seems to create a problem every time that he could spend the night at my house. 

I don’t care. 

It’s not meant to be. 

I AM embarrassed to be around him. The smoking is disgusting and wastes so much time and money and health. It’s just not my jam. I don’t know how it will shake out. But I have to be honest and caring with myself and I want to take care of myself and be with someone who wants the same for themselves and me. 

____

He kept going... it seemed like we were making strides but he wouldn't take any responsibility and any mention of me feeling hurt triggered him to yell more. I cant stand the yelling and swearing and name-calling. I finally had to disconnect the call. I texted him:

"I'm sorry I had to disconnect the call. I was at my quota of being sworn at, insulted, and called names. Your manner of communication is disrespectful and not conducive to restoration of peace. 

I love you and am sorry this has all gone down the way it has, but I think it needed to happen the way it did. It's very eye opening (for both of us, I'm sure.) 

Take care Ryan."

And I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie. 

This is too much.

He doesn't do what he says he's going to do.

It's been 3+ months and he hasn't moved in. He hasn't "gotten down on one knee" OR "moved in". 
He backslid on wanting to quit smoking. He's not working toward it or caring about my health or well-being... he's gone the opposite direction to the point that I have to hang out of his truck to breathe and he doesn't care.
He paid my electric bill once and it was a big deal, but he is not financially supporting me. He has taken me out for food and bought some of my groceries if there are just a few (but I have also paid for sooooo many of his and buy all the food that I cook for him and it's been my job to cook for him for big chunks of our relationship.)
He says he's not going to swear and he does. He says he's not going to call me names and he does. He is reactive and pushy and I need to minimize my stress. He doesn't spend the night. He's got all the excuses in the world about everything... and I just feel this isn't right. It shouldn't be so hard. It's too hard. And I give so so so much of myself and he doesn't appreciate it. He can be very generous too. He has a good heart and I love him very much. But our ambition isn't aligned and our discipline isn't aligned (which is on me... I have trouble with sweets, etc. And I just need to DO ME and stop waiting for Ryan to go to the gym, etc.).... so anyway.... I'm going to focus on my world, my health, my family and friends. 

I talked to him the last time for over an hour and a half. It's wasted breath. He never sees...or maybe he does sometimes but I feel that I've been the one humbling myself and apologizing for my part lately all the time and he appreciates it and eats it up. And when I do that, he often humbles and maybe he'll see something eventually, but for now, it's stressful. 

I've got to focus on my freezing foot problem... there is a timeline to address. 

He sent a "peace" (like "peace out?" emoji.)

Fine. (He called back and wanted to talk about my text but he was swearing and im tired and didn't want to talk to him. His demons are trying to inflame me to break up with him. I won't take the bait.)

I'm tired. This is annoying. I am alone. And I don't like smoking. This is the truth. So own it, live it and walk YOUR WAY, Love.