Too hard

Too much drama.

Too much blame.

Too much gaslighting. (I guess we are both gaslighting? He says he feels gaslit and I feel that that's gaslighting me on top of already feeling like I'm being told and shown that I'm crazy and that my experience isn't real or true. That my perception is a lie. That feels like straight up gaslighting to me too.) I guess we have opposing perspectives.

I want peace. 

I want quiet and nature and sunlight and rest and love and joy and nourishment.

I want someone invested in wanting to co-create peace and pleasure and happiness.

I don't want to force and push or try to convince someone to want to go to the next step with me. I don't want to think about, focus on, remind myself and him that 4.5 months ago he said he'd move in the next day and get down on one knee. On our first date he said he'd build me a house but he backtracked on that too...though he seems to have come around...but I don't care. I wanted him to build US a house... a life... to be my container and to want to love and care for me so I could live my created purpose as a nurturing, loving wife and free spirit. This doesn't work for him.

Ryan and I are good friends. We love each other. But our lives and dreams and energies don't align. He is not driven at all and I don't want to be prodding him along.. I want to be inspired, encouraged, swept away, and also to have time for myself. I want my desires to be honored. I want someone who wants to "make love" with me. Who wants to pleasure me. Who is attracted to me. I need to be attracted to myself and take care of myself. Ryan would like me if I were thinner, but he'd still be using me... sucking off of me...he wants lust... it's all he knows. And doesn't want to learn or build love like that. He will call it "soul connecting" and there's truth to that and that's good and I like that, but I want more. And he doesn't actually DO any "soul connecting". 

I'm tired of trying to force and keep our connection by sucking him. I want someone invested in keeping our connection too by loving on me. He does things for me.... things around the house.. and it's great and I love it, and that's his love language ... and I do like it but I want physical connection and commitment and ... all the love languages (which is what I like to give too). 

Big rubs/issues:

Lack of Ambition

Lack of wanting to give love or physical attention

Doesn't do what he says he's going to do

Doesn't respect others' time

Doesn't want nice things.... he has an idea that his car is a nice thing... so he thinks he's worthy of a few things... he likes to primp in the mirror and he thinks his car is nice and I think he thinks some of his cloths are nice... those aren't nice to me... but he likes them. He doesn't invision a nice home or vacations which is what I like. He's proud of (and rightfully so... I don't want to take away from how far he's come) his RV home. I have grown to love my home - a trailer, ha! - but I would love something more substantial. 

But let me come back to what's real... peace. That's what I really want... rest in my soul.... presence, satisfaction, contentment, relaxed outlook, happiness, peace....inner joy. 

I need to Source those mySelf. 
I need to own my life. I don't need anyone to complete me.
Take care of my body. Take care of my animals. Take care of my home. Be disciplined and financially responsible. Eat well - nourish myself. Exercise. Spend time in nature. Meditate, breathe, relax, play.

I need a break from all the people...be with myself. I love this.

___

My AG pick was: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Heart_Brain_Unification_in_Empathy

Empathy has been a big theme this week...coming up all over the place, and especially with Ryan. I need to have empathy for and with him. He hurts and is confused and feels judged and tries so hard and it's not good enough. (In my eyes.) That's got to be rough. I need to do this meditation and sink into my heart.