Making progress

 Ryan and I are making progress. Repairing fights faster. He is reading a "quit smoking" book that his Dad gave him the same day that we fought about it. Seems aligned with the universe. I was also inadvertently using words that are in that book like "magical" and "trap".... I hope he can kick it.

We had a beautiful day yesterday. He drove so calmly and kindly and I felt safe and happy. We took the boys to Raleigh on a walk at Falls Lake and then to see Page (Sunshine has worms - eep!), and then did a Costco/TJs run. And then his laundry and then helped Michael - we both lent him our cars. 

Today I got up at 5am (which felt like 4am since yesterday was daylight savings springing forward)....and I went to the gym! It was very hard and I felt very weak. My muscles seemed non-existent. Very bad. But I'm going to come back.  And I think it's nice to get it all out of the way in the wee hours. And it gives me a break from devices... I really think my phone is killing me... zapping and frying me. 

I am choosing now to do more intentional breathing exercises, visualization exercises with light and healing, meditation, prayer, and gratitude.

I got really freaked out when I pulled this up... I think I have this...https://drlwilson.com/Articles/RAYNAUDS.HTM... the other day it hurt to walk because my feet are so cold. It hurts so bad. And I think it's the sugar and lack of exercise that is doing it to me. My pendulum also agreed that I've made myself sick, but I can get better and I don't need to go to a doctor. I've been feeling mind control pulses that pills and doctors will help me.... just take a pill...go to a mental hospital...all that... and it's not true. I just need to exercise, sleep, eat well, love well, and watch the electronic devices. Get breaks and grounding from them. I've been mentally a bit unstable... catching myself being mean to Ryan, etc. And hopeless. But everything is beautiful!

I have been overwhelmed....just too much...or the way I am looking at it... with work ...both works. Especially Malai. Feeling overwhelmed as Brya Zan is looming. And my friends wanting to go to Texas. It's just a lot.

And the financial pickle I've put myself in .... $50k in debt in a year and a half. It's not okay. But I will get out of it. 

And I will work out.

I'm wearing pants that fit today (big ones), but it feels so much nicer. To breathe.