Dear Lord, Dear God, Dear LORD, I need You and only You. I am totally lost without your guidance and direction. I am weak and [here's the problem- I'm] beginning to think that I need to rely on my own strength... WHY am I so daft? Why do I keep forgetting that the only way to true fulfillment is to surrender to Your timeline and plan for me?!! Let me NOT forget. Let me KNOW in my heart and my actions that I am wholly yours.
My prayer today AND the best song verse ever !! ...ok- at least today (it is rolling around and around in my head and heart)... is in the song "Hosanna" by Hillsong United:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity
<3
*** a bit later ***
A miracle just happened. I just almost sent a really self-centered/whiney/bordering-on-mean/manipulative/ BITTER email to my mother (my mom- the one who gave birth to and loved me- the miracle of miracles). Why would I do that? I don't really know. I have had (created) such drama in my life over stupid stuff.
All this because of a seed of selfish indignation that I allowed to grow into a huge rotting tree of bitterness!
When I got separated (ultimately divorced) I felt so angry/hurt that my parents and family didn't support me or love me through it the way that I needed them to (but how could they know how I needed them to without me telling them? How could I tell them when even I didn't know!? In hindsight I see that God needed me to feel that loneliness and emptiness so that He could bring me to a place where I relied only on Him)... However, I held onto that bitterness for over a year - it tore at and through me - but I gave it to God on January 2nd, 2010 at the Journey church (http://www.takeajourney.org/) service where Pastor Jimmy and Pastor Paul lead us through the process of praising and thanking God for all He has done in our lives and then asking Him to reveal what was holding us back from Him. That was the most incredible service I've ever been to (and I came in there with a chip on my shoulder- don't remember why...but I remember thinking that there was no way that God was going to "speak" to me that day. Little did I know that it would be the beginning of what has been the most thorough and fulfilling conversations with God (which still continues today (25 days later!). Did I already blog about this? I can't remember. If I'm repeating myself, I'm sorry! :) It's just that I experienced God's presence more than ever before! I cried the way I cried (SOBBED) when I was 4 - my face felt like it was going to explode! My head was was swollen with hot tears and slobbery, never-ending snot (gross, I know) - but it was so incredible to experience God's comfort!!...I was wrapped up in Him and I felt safe enough to just let it all out...
...Apparently I took it back. (I'm getting back to my story now)...
This morning I wrote an email to my mom in which I TRIED to be diplomatic. I TRIED to see things from her point of view...but I know that what came out of me was chock-full of the uglies!
What was so interesting, is that while I was writing it, I KNOW that God was with me- He was "convicting" me (I don't love that word- it feels a little "religious" for me- but I digress). Anyway- God took that time to speak with me ... with each letter that I typed out, God moved closer to me to show me that what I was writing was wrong. By the time I had finished, I was in tears- not tears of anger and bitterness (which burned my throat as I BEGAN the email)- rather, they were hot tears of Jesus' love and forgiveness urging me to "let it go".
I let it go. I didn't re-read what I wrote, but rather I changed the To: field to read my own email address instead of my mothers and hit send... I got it out. I sent it to myself so that if I need a reminder someday (hopefully I won't) ... [pause] ... WOW. Even as I write this, I see myself making excuses for why I didn't just delete it altogether. I shouldn't save it. There is no need. God has washed me clean. It's over. Wow. [pause] Aaaaanyway, let me finish this up - I DID end up writing an email to my mother, it was a short email that was to the point telling her that I would do as she asked - immediately - and that I love her. 'Nough said.
God is so CRAZYAMAZINGLIFECHANGINGGOOD!!!!
[exhale]
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Not Blogging
I'm still NOT blogging! I just wanted to say that it is a pleasure to read and respond to OTHER'S blogs! I got into this thing to help someone else with their blog- so I should probably keep up THAT work. :)
I DID watch Julie & Julia last night- great culinary-themed romantic comedy that centers around the life and work of Julia Child and her impact on a modern-day gourmand. Anyway- the movie brings blogging to life and was a bit TOO inspirational in that it made me second-guess my non-blog clause.
To blog, or not to blog? That is the question.... whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous blogging, or by opposing, end them. *** That was a conglomeration of Shakespeare and awful Carissaism. Actually, it was just a complete butchering of beautiful classic literature. How dare I? It was horrific really. Sorry. :P
I'm working on: Not thinking that I know everying. I don't want to be SMUG (as I tend to be sometimes). I think that becuase I have a glimpse of one little tidbit about someone or something that I know everything/the whole story and that I have the right to make a judgement call about it. NOPE. God told me yesterday in Proverbs 3:7 "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil." - Ok! I'll try! :)
<3
I DID watch Julie & Julia last night- great culinary-themed romantic comedy that centers around the life and work of Julia Child and her impact on a modern-day gourmand. Anyway- the movie brings blogging to life and was a bit TOO inspirational in that it made me second-guess my non-blog clause.
To blog, or not to blog? That is the question.... whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous blogging, or by opposing, end them. *** That was a conglomeration of Shakespeare and awful Carissaism. Actually, it was just a complete butchering of beautiful classic literature. How dare I? It was horrific really. Sorry. :P
I'm working on: Not thinking that I know everying. I don't want to be SMUG (as I tend to be sometimes). I think that becuase I have a glimpse of one little tidbit about someone or something that I know everything/the whole story and that I have the right to make a judgement call about it. NOPE. God told me yesterday in Proverbs 3:7 "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil." - Ok! I'll try! :)
<3
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Following
Yep. I following my own blog. The only follower. Good. Awesome.
Hey... Listen, I need to follow Jesus! I don't know how, but I need to do it- and I don't know how to change the world- but I need to do that too. There are so many hurting people out there (understatement) and how dare I get caught up in my silly little world where I get upset about paperwork not going where it needs to or about having to wait on hold. I'm so spoiled and quite frankly- disgusted- with myself. UGH! See this? I'm stilllllll talking about MYSELF. Stop it.
Pray. Breathe. Pray. Pursue God.
Forget followers. Forget what everyone else sees and thinks... care only about pleasing God and fulfilling His will for your life.
Aye Aye Captian! :)
* multiple personalities, signing off- :) *
Hey... Listen, I need to follow Jesus! I don't know how, but I need to do it- and I don't know how to change the world- but I need to do that too. There are so many hurting people out there (understatement) and how dare I get caught up in my silly little world where I get upset about paperwork not going where it needs to or about having to wait on hold. I'm so spoiled and quite frankly- disgusted- with myself. UGH! See this? I'm stilllllll talking about MYSELF. Stop it.
Pray. Breathe. Pray. Pursue God.
Forget followers. Forget what everyone else sees and thinks... care only about pleasing God and fulfilling His will for your life.
Aye Aye Captian! :)
* multiple personalities, signing off- :) *
Believing
Horrible admission:
I don’t believe in Jesus.
Ok- that’s not entirely true. I DO believe in him (beware: I’ve been called the queen of contradictions – I’ll contradict myself 2 or 3 times in ONE sentence – it’s usually due to a mix of comedic intent and honest questioning of myself). I DO believe. I just struggle with it. What’s so interesting is that I’m “fully-in” when it comes to belief and knowing deep in my heart that God is God and that the Spirit is living in me and guiding me….but for some reason- the one “leg of the trinity” that I struggle with is the HUMAN leg! This is the one-of-three who actually walked on this earth….the one of which there is proof of His miraculous existence. Doesn’t make much sense that THIS is the one I would question, aye? I think it is because I have EXPERIENCED God and the Spirit but I didn’t personally experience Jesus. Not yet. I am praying for this though. Last night I read in John 6:44 “For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me, and at the last day I will raise them up.” I want the Father to draw ME to Jesus too!!! Heck, He has drawn me to everyone else that matters (God/Spirit), right?
I’ve ALWAYS had a hard time with the “Jesus thing” (that’s what I’ve said for the past 5 or 6 years – I wonder if it’s sacrilegious to say that? Angh…it’s honest. [pause] It’s disrespectful. That’s what it is. I think I won’t say that anymore.) Anyway- I am just earnestly praying for God to change my heart and give me peace and understanding about His Son. I think once this final piece is in place, that nothing can stop me in my faith. :)
In the past this (Jesus) has been the period of my seeking when I get tripped up BIG TIME. I have a hard time because when I start seeking and questioning and trying to figure everything out (from an intellectual standpoint), I end up inviting Satan in to my life – he just takes my little question and stretches it into a gaping hole in my faith. I am scared of that happening. I’ve tried some different tactics to battle this questioning… I’ve tried asking other people about it (some of whom are helpful, some of whom scoff at me, some of whom question my salvation, some of whom say exactly what I want to hear)…but for some reason, no matter what I hear, I still have questions/doubts.
It doesn’t stop there- this has been plaguing me a long time! I have also tried: ignoring my questions in the hopes that they would go away. I’ve prayed for “holy brainwashing”. I’ve even tried indulging my “lack of faith” to find an identity as an agnostic (or something)… but that doesn’t work either! Why doesn’t it work? I guess it’s because I belong to God and He won’t let me go. This is true love!!
Recently I thought that I would just take the bull by the horns and – then- ignore it! I decided it would be best to not admit my questions (this way I get a double whammy benefit!! - people won’t question my faith, and in turn I won’t question it - then it’ll be smooth sailing into the blissful land of the spiritually blind- aye?!). Ummm yeahhhhhh- Not so much. It’s not working (God WANTS me to know Him completely) so now I’m going to try a different tactic- the truth tactic. I’m going to be genuine and honest with myself and the Lord and just put it in His hands. Methinks this might work. [“Methinks” is a weird word. I feel like cookie monster when I say it. I wonder if it is grammatically correct there? Let me check… YEP.] Ok… so this is where I go from here… to God:
[Lord, Father, Mighty of Mighties, He who can do all things, PLEASE fill the holes in my faith with your son, Jesus the Christ. I want to be whole and full and complete in You. I don’t want to question anymore. You have done so many miracles in my life. You are THE presence in my life- you are my Love- please help me to know you – ALL OF YOU completely. Completely. Complete me, Lord.]
I don’t believe in Jesus.
Ok- that’s not entirely true. I DO believe in him (beware: I’ve been called the queen of contradictions – I’ll contradict myself 2 or 3 times in ONE sentence – it’s usually due to a mix of comedic intent and honest questioning of myself). I DO believe. I just struggle with it. What’s so interesting is that I’m “fully-in” when it comes to belief and knowing deep in my heart that God is God and that the Spirit is living in me and guiding me….but for some reason- the one “leg of the trinity” that I struggle with is the HUMAN leg! This is the one-of-three who actually walked on this earth….the one of which there is proof of His miraculous existence. Doesn’t make much sense that THIS is the one I would question, aye? I think it is because I have EXPERIENCED God and the Spirit but I didn’t personally experience Jesus. Not yet. I am praying for this though. Last night I read in John 6:44 “For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me, and at the last day I will raise them up.” I want the Father to draw ME to Jesus too!!! Heck, He has drawn me to everyone else that matters (God/Spirit), right?
I’ve ALWAYS had a hard time with the “Jesus thing” (that’s what I’ve said for the past 5 or 6 years – I wonder if it’s sacrilegious to say that? Angh…it’s honest. [pause] It’s disrespectful. That’s what it is. I think I won’t say that anymore.) Anyway- I am just earnestly praying for God to change my heart and give me peace and understanding about His Son. I think once this final piece is in place, that nothing can stop me in my faith. :)
In the past this (Jesus) has been the period of my seeking when I get tripped up BIG TIME. I have a hard time because when I start seeking and questioning and trying to figure everything out (from an intellectual standpoint), I end up inviting Satan in to my life – he just takes my little question and stretches it into a gaping hole in my faith. I am scared of that happening. I’ve tried some different tactics to battle this questioning… I’ve tried asking other people about it (some of whom are helpful, some of whom scoff at me, some of whom question my salvation, some of whom say exactly what I want to hear)…but for some reason, no matter what I hear, I still have questions/doubts.
It doesn’t stop there- this has been plaguing me a long time! I have also tried: ignoring my questions in the hopes that they would go away. I’ve prayed for “holy brainwashing”. I’ve even tried indulging my “lack of faith” to find an identity as an agnostic (or something)… but that doesn’t work either! Why doesn’t it work? I guess it’s because I belong to God and He won’t let me go. This is true love!!
Recently I thought that I would just take the bull by the horns and – then- ignore it! I decided it would be best to not admit my questions (this way I get a double whammy benefit!! - people won’t question my faith, and in turn I won’t question it - then it’ll be smooth sailing into the blissful land of the spiritually blind- aye?!). Ummm yeahhhhhh- Not so much. It’s not working (God WANTS me to know Him completely) so now I’m going to try a different tactic- the truth tactic. I’m going to be genuine and honest with myself and the Lord and just put it in His hands. Methinks this might work. [“Methinks” is a weird word. I feel like cookie monster when I say it. I wonder if it is grammatically correct there? Let me check… YEP.] Ok… so this is where I go from here… to God:
[Lord, Father, Mighty of Mighties, He who can do all things, PLEASE fill the holes in my faith with your son, Jesus the Christ. I want to be whole and full and complete in You. I don’t want to question anymore. You have done so many miracles in my life. You are THE presence in my life- you are my Love- please help me to know you – ALL OF YOU completely. Completely. Complete me, Lord.]
Monday, January 25, 2010
not everything- Joy is.
Happiness is not everything - Joy is.
Happiness makes me...well... HAPPY! I want to be the girl with the chipper attitude and postitive outlook- that's HAPPINESS! Or is it? I read someone's blog today where they compared and contrasted Happiness to Joy. He really took a scalpal to Joy and dissected it. Here- check it out... Good stuff! http://allbecauseofhisgrace.blogspot.com/2010/01/irreplaceable-joy.html
Hmmmmm....I was just wondering why I'm writing this. Why do I write here? I should probably figure that out. I just realized that I have two followers. I kinda liked it better when I didn't think people were reading what I say- this "followerdom" is a whole new dimension- I almost have to start filtering myself. ALMOST. I don't really have to. I think I won't. Well - I might. I might not be able to help it. Anyway...that's not the point of this blogless blog. Today's installment started off with a purpose- to share my joy of joy... but now it's turned into carissa-esque incessant rambling about nothing. Aweeeesssssommmmmme!
I had a boyfriend. (why not? why not just talk about whatever topic jumps into my head?) ... OH - because it could be embarassing!!!? ahhh well...let's see where it goes. --> I had a boyfriend for about a month. I broke up with the poor chap every-other day for a month... (the silly man kept coming back and trying to convince me to give it a chance to develop. I kept thinking that I SHOULD give him a chance... so I'd try...for a few hours...then bail. What's so interesting about this boyfriend is that he is everything that I thought I wanted in a man/boyfriend/partner/spouse, etc.
Since my initial separation from my [ex]husband, I took all the self-help guru's advice and made LISTS upon LISTS upon LISTS about what I was looking for. I made lists about what kind of character traits this man should have. I made lists about what kind of hobbies he should have. I made lists about what kind of friends and family he should have. In the end, I put together the image of/plan for an ideal man- a man that would fullfill all my needs and desires. Have you done this?
Here's the interesting part. This boyfriend was the culmination of my list-ridden desires. He was "everything that I needed/wanted"!!! Wait... you think that THAT was the interesting part. nooPe. What's interesting is the fact that my LISTS (and my months of journaling) told me that that was what I was looking for was WRONG!!! The fact is- he wasn't God's choice for my life. I know this now that I look back on it, but during the stay/go decision, I didn't pray and ask for God to tell me His thoughts! I didn't feel for God's light and love on that relationship- but if I had - and if I had trusted it (which I don't know if I would have) then I would know that it was wrong. I mean- I think I knew it right away (within a few days), but I fought and fought and hoped that God would "come around"... how silly that sounds now. :) Anyway... looking back, I think it was an interesting experience and a great lesson in trusting God and not myself when seeking friends (and boyfriends).
THANK GOD that He has removed the desire to have a partner from me. I think back to a year ago when I was DESPERATE for someone to share my life with. I was so lonly and thought I needed another person to plug the holes in me. I feel like a different person now. I feel content and at peace and I am happy to "date" God (and thanks to my sister Corie's prompting- I'm also "dating" my other sister, Page! - What a great mindset...I'm "in it" to get to know and appreciate my sister- I try to spend my time thinking about and caring for my siblings instead of spinning my wheels on boys!). HA! This post has gotten OUT-of-CoNTrOL!!! I started talking about joy- then about nothing and then moved to incest?? WHAT? ok. Stop the madness. Thanks! There's too much to think back on. Let me just think forward. Okay?
By the way, A.W. Tozer rocks. Did you know that "A." stands for Aiden? Good name, aye?
Have a happy - JOYFUL - day! <3
Happiness makes me...well... HAPPY! I want to be the girl with the chipper attitude and postitive outlook- that's HAPPINESS! Or is it? I read someone's blog today where they compared and contrasted Happiness to Joy. He really took a scalpal to Joy and dissected it. Here- check it out... Good stuff! http://allbecauseofhisgrace.blogspot.com/2010/01/irreplaceable-joy.html
Hmmmmm....I was just wondering why I'm writing this. Why do I write here? I should probably figure that out. I just realized that I have two followers. I kinda liked it better when I didn't think people were reading what I say- this "followerdom" is a whole new dimension- I almost have to start filtering myself. ALMOST. I don't really have to. I think I won't. Well - I might. I might not be able to help it. Anyway...that's not the point of this blogless blog. Today's installment started off with a purpose- to share my joy of joy... but now it's turned into carissa-esque incessant rambling about nothing. Aweeeesssssommmmmme!
I had a boyfriend. (why not? why not just talk about whatever topic jumps into my head?) ... OH - because it could be embarassing!!!? ahhh well...let's see where it goes. --> I had a boyfriend for about a month. I broke up with the poor chap every-other day for a month... (the silly man kept coming back and trying to convince me to give it a chance to develop. I kept thinking that I SHOULD give him a chance... so I'd try...for a few hours...then bail. What's so interesting about this boyfriend is that he is everything that I thought I wanted in a man/boyfriend/partner/spouse, etc.
Since my initial separation from my [ex]husband, I took all the self-help guru's advice and made LISTS upon LISTS upon LISTS about what I was looking for. I made lists about what kind of character traits this man should have. I made lists about what kind of hobbies he should have. I made lists about what kind of friends and family he should have. In the end, I put together the image of/plan for an ideal man- a man that would fullfill all my needs and desires. Have you done this?
Here's the interesting part. This boyfriend was the culmination of my list-ridden desires. He was "everything that I needed/wanted"!!! Wait... you think that THAT was the interesting part. nooPe. What's interesting is the fact that my LISTS (and my months of journaling) told me that that was what I was looking for was WRONG!!! The fact is- he wasn't God's choice for my life. I know this now that I look back on it, but during the stay/go decision, I didn't pray and ask for God to tell me His thoughts! I didn't feel for God's light and love on that relationship- but if I had - and if I had trusted it (which I don't know if I would have) then I would know that it was wrong. I mean- I think I knew it right away (within a few days), but I fought and fought and hoped that God would "come around"... how silly that sounds now. :) Anyway... looking back, I think it was an interesting experience and a great lesson in trusting God and not myself when seeking friends (and boyfriends).
THANK GOD that He has removed the desire to have a partner from me. I think back to a year ago when I was DESPERATE for someone to share my life with. I was so lonly and thought I needed another person to plug the holes in me. I feel like a different person now. I feel content and at peace and I am happy to "date" God (and thanks to my sister Corie's prompting- I'm also "dating" my other sister, Page! - What a great mindset...I'm "in it" to get to know and appreciate my sister- I try to spend my time thinking about and caring for my siblings instead of spinning my wheels on boys!). HA! This post has gotten OUT-of-CoNTrOL!!! I started talking about joy- then about nothing and then moved to incest?? WHAT? ok. Stop the madness. Thanks! There's too much to think back on. Let me just think forward. Okay?
By the way, A.W. Tozer rocks. Did you know that "A." stands for Aiden? Good name, aye?
Have a happy - JOYFUL - day! <3
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friends!
I just got back from what I hope becomes my new community group/accountability group/Journey peeps/ FRIENDS!! I am so blessed to have found some potential friends who are dedicated to learning more about the Bible and God and all the goodies that go along with that!
I have to admit- I was scared to death when I went in...ok...not DEATH (that's a bit over the top, don't ya think?) - but I was def nervous. I prayed that God would be with me and help me from making too big a fool of myself. Group dynamics can stress me out if I think about it too much (so I usually don't). I have this interesting expectation (of myself) that I must put on the Carissa show... essentially I feel like it is MY responsibility to keep everyone entertained and content. What?? Yeah- I just don't like to see anyone feeling left out...nor am I a fan of breaks in the energy of a room (which is different than a break in conversation - I can definitely appreciate a good comfortable silence (or an uncomfortable one if I am listening to God and ignoring his prompting (ha))... but I really dislike that I think that I am responsible for everyone else- especially when they are strangers. Yep- I HATE the Carissa Show. I want to be a quiet and peaceful person. I want to live my life in God's will... I want to listen to the heartbeat of a person/conversation/group/room and respond accordingly- with God's prompting and not my own. I'm gonna work on that- k?! :)
Anywhoot- the point of all this is that I DIDN'T feel any of that today and it was SOOOO wonderful!!! A relief! I thought I was going to go be in a group of hoity-toity-head-bobbers that put on a fake smile and act as if everything is all good... but NOPE- these were real people. Genuine people. People with questions and feelings and struggles that are just like mine! Do you see why I am so blessed? I've waited so long (held onto resentment so long) and put off doing my due diligence (BEGGING if I had to! haha!) to get into a group... and I am sort of glad I did because now I feel so grateful and appreciative and I will CHERISH my newfound blessing. :)
To work on:
Developing a quiet and peaceful presence.
Remembering that it's not about me.
Listening [to God AND humans] and responding with grace and love.
I have to admit- I was scared to death when I went in...ok...not DEATH (that's a bit over the top, don't ya think?) - but I was def nervous. I prayed that God would be with me and help me from making too big a fool of myself. Group dynamics can stress me out if I think about it too much (so I usually don't). I have this interesting expectation (of myself) that I must put on the Carissa show... essentially I feel like it is MY responsibility to keep everyone entertained and content. What?? Yeah- I just don't like to see anyone feeling left out...nor am I a fan of breaks in the energy of a room (which is different than a break in conversation - I can definitely appreciate a good comfortable silence (or an uncomfortable one if I am listening to God and ignoring his prompting (ha))... but I really dislike that I think that I am responsible for everyone else- especially when they are strangers. Yep- I HATE the Carissa Show. I want to be a quiet and peaceful person. I want to live my life in God's will... I want to listen to the heartbeat of a person/conversation/group/room and respond accordingly- with God's prompting and not my own. I'm gonna work on that- k?! :)
Anywhoot- the point of all this is that I DIDN'T feel any of that today and it was SOOOO wonderful!!! A relief! I thought I was going to go be in a group of hoity-toity-head-bobbers that put on a fake smile and act as if everything is all good... but NOPE- these were real people. Genuine people. People with questions and feelings and struggles that are just like mine! Do you see why I am so blessed? I've waited so long (held onto resentment so long) and put off doing my due diligence (BEGGING if I had to! haha!) to get into a group... and I am sort of glad I did because now I feel so grateful and appreciative and I will CHERISH my newfound blessing. :)
To work on:
Developing a quiet and peaceful presence.
Remembering that it's not about me.
Listening [to God AND humans] and responding with grace and love.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Knowing
I think I'll title my blog posts with an answer to the fill-in-the-blank title of my Blog. Happiness Is .....
Knowing.
I know that I know that I know that I know that I am Christ's child and I am going to heaven. It took me a realllllllllllllllllllllly long time to get here- but I look back on the angst that I felt through my seasons of disbelief and see that it was all purposeful- it was the back breaking work that needed to be done to build a solid foundation on which to build my heart and home in the Lord.
Note: I have NOT "arrived". I am still very much a work in progress- but I am grateful for the small moments of peace that come from KNOWING.
Knowing.
I know that I know that I know that I know that I am Christ's child and I am going to heaven. It took me a realllllllllllllllllllllly long time to get here- but I look back on the angst that I felt through my seasons of disbelief and see that it was all purposeful- it was the back breaking work that needed to be done to build a solid foundation on which to build my heart and home in the Lord.
Note: I have NOT "arrived". I am still very much a work in progress- but I am grateful for the small moments of peace that come from KNOWING.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
It's not about me.
I'm like a crazy person...that's what I am...and quite frankly- I SHOULDN'T put it all over the internet- but what the heck- everything from my address to my credit card number is out here- why not put my neurotic thoughts and statements out here too? I see no reason not to. We have one life and really I just have this ONE moment to make a difference - I need to take this moment and lett'er riiiiip!
So I'll just come right out and say it- God talks to me. I know it's crazy to say out loud- but the fact is- it's the TRUTH. He (the Almighty) tells me things. Recently He has told me to read the Bible...specifically Isaiah.... and He has told me to pray...and that He's got my back (though I don't think He used those words).... but He showed me in an absolutely supernatural way what has been holding me back from any sort of growth or happiness (bitterness (me?!!), pride, and distrust).... then today and last night, He told me multiple times (when I was thinking selfish or self-pitying thoughts) that it's NOT about me.
Nothing is about me! WHAAAAT? That's a hard thing for me to swallow, but since the voice in my head...well...the voice in my HEART tells me this- I think I'll ...well... at least blog about it.
I'm a journaler by nature...I love to let my thoughts flow from my head through my fingers to the tippity-tappity-keyboard to the screen. [Side note: Can you write anymore?? Like with a PEN? ...because I can't. I try to sit down to write in my journal and my hand cramps up three words in! I think THIS is evolution! From graphite to gigabytes. <--Sounds like trendy book title. :)] Anyway, as I journal, perhaps now and then I'll throw a tidbit about what I am thinking about on this blog and go from there....yep. Sounds like a plan!
Things I'm working on:
...stop looking back! Only look forward... What do you see?
So I'll just come right out and say it- God talks to me. I know it's crazy to say out loud- but the fact is- it's the TRUTH. He (the Almighty) tells me things. Recently He has told me to read the Bible...specifically Isaiah.... and He has told me to pray...and that He's got my back (though I don't think He used those words).... but He showed me in an absolutely supernatural way what has been holding me back from any sort of growth or happiness (bitterness (me?!!), pride, and distrust).... then today and last night, He told me multiple times (when I was thinking selfish or self-pitying thoughts) that it's NOT about me.
Nothing is about me! WHAAAAT? That's a hard thing for me to swallow, but since the voice in my head...well...the voice in my HEART tells me this- I think I'll ...well... at least blog about it.
I'm a journaler by nature...I love to let my thoughts flow from my head through my fingers to the tippity-tappity-keyboard to the screen. [Side note: Can you write anymore?? Like with a PEN? ...because I can't. I try to sit down to write in my journal and my hand cramps up three words in! I think THIS is evolution! From graphite to gigabytes. <--Sounds like trendy book title. :)] Anyway, as I journal, perhaps now and then I'll throw a tidbit about what I am thinking about on this blog and go from there....yep. Sounds like a plan!
Things I'm working on:
- Trying to be IN God...or rather- allowing Him to be in me- always...in each moment.
- God, here am I - use me.
- Love Jesus. Love my neighbors. Take action.
- Preparing myself for the work that God has called me to do- which- because of this voice, I feel like I have clarity about. Should I tell you? Yes! OF COURSE!!! I think - ok- I've THOUGHT for almost a year that God wanted me to go to Uganda to work in an orphanage. I've had it in my world for a long time and I've told many people about it- some of who say "now's the time! do it!" but most say "you're crazy" or "be responsible". It's crazy on so many levels (i.e. I'm freaked out about kids, snakes, disease, dirt, etc. I'm not very caring (I am- but I'm nervous about showing it to strangers.), I'm not sure how to "witness" per se. I revert to an adolescent in my faith with every setback in life.... I'm just not good enough. But God thinks I am. I struggle with trusting Him about it. But I must. He loves me and has given me a purpose. I've lived purposeless for so long and during that time, God churned and tilled the soil of my heart so that his seed of purpose would have a healthy home in which to grow into a crop of Glory for Him. - Hm. It just occurred to me that God has planted many seeds in me throughout my time as a "Christian"- but I think they keep (kept?) falling on shallow soil....they could never truly take root. I pray that my soil is fertile and deep and rich now so that God's purpose takes hold in my life and that He can use me to reach others.
...stop looking back! Only look forward... What do you see?
Friday, January 8, 2010
Jamilyn's Blog
My friend Jamilyn is AMAZING! I just read her blog (www.jamilyncole.com) for the umpteenth time (not the same post over and over, of course- I just decided to find out what was new in her -world for a minute or two). But this time I took more than awe and appreciation for the wonderful woman that she is away from my experience...I took the desire to create (or at least update) my own blog away! So. Here we go... lets' see if there is another post after this one.... [tick tock...tick tock... tick tock...]
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