It's not about me.

I'm like a crazy person...that's what I am...and quite frankly- I SHOULDN'T put it all over the internet- but what the heck- everything from my address to my credit card number is out here- why not put my neurotic thoughts and statements out here too? I see no reason not to. We have one life and really I just have this ONE moment to make a difference - I need to take this moment and lett'er riiiiip!

So I'll just come right out and say it- God talks to me. I know it's crazy to say out loud- but the fact is- it's the TRUTH. He (the Almighty) tells me things. Recently He has told me to read the Bible...specifically Isaiah.... and He has told me to pray...and that He's got my back (though I don't think He used those words).... but He showed me in an absolutely supernatural way what has been holding me back from any sort of growth or happiness (bitterness (me?!!), pride, and distrust).... then today and last night,  He told me multiple times (when I was thinking selfish or self-pitying thoughts) that it's NOT about me.

Nothing is about me! WHAAAAT? That's a hard thing for me to swallow, but since the voice in my head...well...the voice in my HEART tells me this- I think I'll ...well... at least blog about it.

I'm a journaler by nature...I love to let my thoughts flow from my head through my fingers to the tippity-tappity-keyboard to the screen. [Side note:  Can you write anymore?? Like with a PEN? ...because I can't. I try to sit down to write in my journal and my hand cramps up three words in! I think THIS is evolution! From graphite to gigabytes. <--Sounds like trendy book title. :)]  Anyway, as I journal, perhaps now and then I'll throw a tidbit about what I am thinking about on this blog and go from there....yep. Sounds like a plan!

Things I'm working on:

• Trying to be IN God...or rather- allowing Him to be in me- always...in each moment. 
• God, here am I - use me.
  
• Love Jesus. Love my neighbors. Take action.
• Preparing myself for the work that God has called me to do- which- because of this voice, I feel like I have clarity about. Should I tell you? Yes! OF COURSE!!! I think - ok- I've THOUGHT for almost a year that God wanted me to go to Uganda to work in an orphanage. I've had it in my world for a long time and I've told many people about it- some of who say "now's the time! do it!" but most say "you're crazy" or "be responsible". It's crazy on so many levels (i.e. I'm freaked out about kids, snakes, disease, dirt, etc.  I'm not very caring (I am- but I'm nervous about showing it to strangers.), I'm not sure how to "witness" per se. I revert to an adolescent in my faith with every setback in life.... I'm just not good enough. But God thinks I am. I struggle with trusting Him about it. But I must. He loves me and has given me a purpose. I've lived purposeless for so long and during that time, God churned and tilled the soil of my heart so that his seed of purpose would have a healthy home in which to grow into a crop of Glory for Him.  -  Hm. It just occurred to me that God has planted many seeds in me throughout my time as a "Christian"- but I think they keep (kept?) falling on shallow soil....they could never truly take root. I pray that my soil is fertile and deep and rich now so that God's purpose takes hold in my life and that He can use me to reach others.
  

I know, again, that I sound funny... I'm obviously self-conscious about talking about God so much - but it really - HE really - is my life right now. Always HAS been my life- but I am finally ready to give it up... because my life doesn't exist without Him. OH NO!! I just re-read this paragraph accidentally and realized how hokey I sound....how hokey I AM!  But it's true...so... I should let it rip and not look back....

...stop looking back! Only look forward... What do you see?