not everything- Joy is.

Happiness is not everything - Joy is.
Happiness makes me...well... HAPPY! I want to be the girl with the chipper attitude and postitive outlook- that's HAPPINESS! Or is it? I read someone's blog today where they compared and contrasted Happiness to Joy. He really took a scalpal to Joy and dissected it. Here- check it out... Good stuff! http://allbecauseofhisgrace.blogspot.com/2010/01/irreplaceable-joy.html

Hmmmmm....I was just wondering why I'm writing this. Why do I write here? I should probably figure that out. I just realized that I have two followers. I kinda liked it better when I didn't think people were reading what I say- this "followerdom" is a whole new dimension- I almost have to start filtering myself. ALMOST. I don't really have to. I think I won't. Well - I might. I might not be able to help it. Anyway...that's not the point of this blogless blog. Today's installment started off with a purpose- to share my joy of joy... but now it's turned into carissa-esque incessant rambling about nothing. Aweeeesssssommmmmme!

I had a boyfriend. (why not? why  not just talk about whatever topic jumps into my head?) ... OH - because it could be embarassing!!!? ahhh well...let's see where it goes. --> I had a boyfriend for about a month. I broke up with the poor chap every-other day for a month... (the silly man kept coming back and trying to convince me to give it a chance to develop. I kept thinking that I SHOULD give him a chance... so I'd try...for a few hours...then bail. What's so interesting about this boyfriend is that he is everything that I thought I wanted in a man/boyfriend/partner/spouse, etc.

Since my initial separation from my [ex]husband, I took all the self-help guru's advice and made LISTS upon LISTS upon LISTS about what I was looking for. I made lists about what kind of character traits this man should have. I made lists about what kind of hobbies he should have. I made lists about what kind of friends and family he should have. In the end, I put together the image of/plan for an ideal man- a man that would fullfill all my  needs and desires. Have you done this?

Here's the interesting part. This boyfriend was the culmination of my list-ridden desires. He was "everything that I needed/wanted"!!! Wait... you think that THAT was the interesting part. nooPe. What's interesting is the fact that my LISTS (and my months of journaling) told me that that was what I was looking for was WRONG!!! The fact is- he wasn't God's choice for my life. I know this now that I look back on it, but during the stay/go decision, I didn't pray and ask for God to tell me His thoughts! I didn't feel for God's light and love on that relationship- but if I had - and if I had trusted it (which I don't know if I would have) then I would know that it was wrong. I mean- I think I knew it right away (within a few days), but I fought and fought and hoped that God would "come around"... how silly that sounds now. :) Anyway... looking back, I think it was an interesting experience and a great lesson in trusting God and not myself when seeking friends (and boyfriends).

THANK GOD that He has removed the desire to have a partner from me. I think back to a year ago when I was DESPERATE for someone to share my life with. I was so lonly and thought I needed another person to plug the holes in me. I feel like a different person now. I feel content and at peace and I am happy to "date" God (and thanks to my sister Corie's prompting- I'm also "dating" my other sister, Page! - What a great mindset...I'm "in it" to get to know and appreciate my sister- I try to spend my time thinking about and caring for my siblings instead of spinning my wheels on boys!). HA! This post has gotten OUT-of-CoNTrOL!!! I started talking about joy- then about nothing and then moved to incest?? WHAT? ok. Stop the madness. Thanks! There's too much to think back on. Let me just think forward. Okay?

By the way, A.W. Tozer rocks. Did you know that "A." stands for Aiden? Good name, aye?

Have a happy - JOYFUL - day! <3