Twisted up

Please just pray for me. I'm really allllllllll set with whining about this. I'm really all set with battling it. I'm really all set with winning and losing. I'm really all set with everything about it.

I am done.

I read this yesterday:
"Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins... Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God's mercy to us." (Hebrews 10:26, 29)

I am DESPERATE for repentance. TRUE, LIFECHANGING repentance. I WANT to turn from my sin- my stronghold - I WANT to TREMBLE with the desire to be obedient to God (the way I was one Sunday after church in January when I was standing emotionally naked before Pastor Smooth asking him how I could NOT listen to God?!)... I want to be back there- not caring about ANYTHING ELSE... ONLY BEING OBEDIENT.

I want to repent.
I want to want to repent.
I tried to repent. I literally CRIED out to God- screamed- for Him to take this from me. Has He? Is this blog evidence of His movement or is it me taking my thoughts into my own hands and trying to capture them so that I can hold onto them as some sort of fuel for myself someday? AHHHH!!! I'm CRAZY.

I'm double minded.
I desire freedom and I HAVE freedom, but I am not living in it. I am in perceived bondage. I already have what I want and I am not acting like it.  "Don't you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.... Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living." (Romans 6:16, 18)

So I'm a slave to righteous living.
That is my deepest desire- I thirst for righteousness. I want to be a living sacrifice. I want to pour out my life for Jesus.... so why am I not? Why am I choosing the world over my "deepest desire"?

HELP!!
I'm tortured!

AHHHH!!!! I have an admission and OH MY GOSH I just SCARED MYSELF--- LOOK AT ME?!!! I just realized that for the SECOND time in a month, last night I went on craigslist and just brrrrrowwwwwsed the "strictly platonic" personals. This doesn't sound like a scary thing to you- but to me, it's a taste of my old life- my 2009 dark life.... my "I'll fill the void myself" life.... ACK!! Both times I went on there for reasons that I felt were "worthy". (The first was that I thought I could "witness" to some people and the second was to post something for someone about their lost cat.... but that was NOT in the "personals" section....and I went there.) ACK!! I'm sick and sliding.... it's a slow fade when you give yourself away... (Casting Crowns).

This makes me think that I need to do something drastic to "offset" this sin/darkness.... but that actually KEEPS me in bondage to myself because then I start acting on my OWN POWER. I think that if I can just kick up helping other people... then I can save myself. But that is WRONG!!! The ONLY thing I can "kick up" is my time with GOD.

I'm a twisted chick.
Lord, please untwist me. God, please save me. Father, please HELP me. Jesus, you have already SAVED me. I pray for the awareness and gumption to live in that freedom. Amen.

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ps.  I want to go on craigslist again just to check it out. I also want to eat the rest of the Oreos in my cabinet.
pss.  RubyKaye just sent me Romans 11:1-24 which is SO GOOD. The WORD is LIFE. All of it.
psss.  Remember Romans 7:14-24 (Romans 6-8 = bomb!)

Not me- HE!

It's not about what I can do.
It's all about what HE can do.

...in the world, in me, in families, in relationships, in our hearts, in Raleigh, in Uganda, at Journey, in technology, in my mind, with my sin, in everything...it's not about what I can do- it is only about what YOU can do! All the glory and the honor and the power is Yours forever and ever!  (Amen)


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Good health is intentional

Please pray with me for confirmation, clarification and direction on the next steps for me in relation to Uganda.

Also- please lift me up. I HAVE to TRULY confess of and REPENT (turn from) my sin of gluttony. It consumes me. I know it and I still choose to fight it on my own. The battle is not mine- I will be sanctified and set free by His GRACE if/when I truly SURRENDER it! But stupid stupid me keeps picking it back up!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you about the rollercoaster of food "issues" that I've been on the last week and a half of my life! But I will tell you what I have learned/re-learned. That's that:

* Food is for for nourishment (not to numb me).
* Sugar consumes me and separates me from God.
* Good health is intentional.

Ohhhhhh okkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyy I'll tell you about this...
So I fasted for 4.5 days. I essentially decided to do this crazy fast that I made up after I read Ezekiel 4:9-10. The plan was that I was going to stick with it for 39 days. It was going to be AWESOME!! :) :)

Days 1-3 actually were GREAT. :) God was all around me- blessing me from every angle! I was eating the scriptures for my meals (i.e. I had Ephesians for lunch one day, and Jeremiah 7 for breakfast....they were deeeelicous!) but - and here comes the bad part - then somewhere along there in day 2.5  I started feeling thinner. Feeeeeeeling thinner. (Feeling = thinking about self/what was going on in me. Thinner = body/self image.) Of course when I started feeling this way, my focus shifted to my flesh. AHHHH!!!!!! Satan is sooooo tricky because it was so subtle, but he sabotaged my fast- my offering to God- by making me think it was about me.

Days 3-5 turned into a slowly progressing and torturous diet that was all about me. I know God would have blessed it if I had kept going with my heart in the right place, but since I didn't, He was not with me. The lack of nutrients started getting to me and made my body and mind weak and by day four I couldn't even hold a conversation.  Halfway through day 5, because of the insistence of my sister, I ate an apple at which point I felt like I was coming back to life and started seeing the color of life again. Wheeeew! :)

Anyway- the point is that fasting or dieting or fads or whatever is not the answer. The ANSWER- which my sister pointed out- is that "good health is intentional". Good health is intentional.

That is SUCH a good, clear, concise, perfectly stated truth.
Good health is intentional.

Now if only I would OBEY.
I'm sick of blogging about food and gluttony and sin. I need to repent. I've battled it SO long. I've let it win so much. When will I let Jesus at it?? When will I truly give it to Him once and for all?

There are so many battles to fight in this world- so many REAL battles in the seen and unseen worlds that I should be involved in- but I'm not- I'm sitting on the sidelines because I can't get over myself.

Get over myself.

Help me abandon my shameful ways; 
for your regulations are good.
I long to obey your commandments!
Renew my life with your goodness.   (Psalm 119:39-40)

Flying with Rue

Rue and I were SO BLESSED yesterday to be taken up (as my friend Bekah said, closer to God! - ha!) in my friends' Geoff & Martha's plane!

Here are some shots from the trip:

 

 

 

 

 

Hymn #462

I just found this beautiful hymn which may have been written by John E. Bode & Arthur H. Mann. I am new to the hymnal world so I'm not sure why there is a name at the top right AND the top left. I would guess that one person wrote the lyrics and another wrote the tune. Nevertheless, it is a gorgeous offering to the Lord and I wanted to share it with you! :)

O Jesus, I Have Promised 

(Angel's Story) 

O Je-sus, I have promised 

To serve Thee to the end; 

Be Thou for ev-er near me, 

My Ma-ster and my Friend: 

I shall not fear the bat-tle 

If Thou art by my side, 

Nor wander from the path-way 

If Thou wilt be my Guide.

O let me feel Thee near me: 

The world is ev-er near; 

I see the sights that daz-zle, 

The tempting sound I hear; 

My foes are ev-er near me, 

A-round me and with-in; 

But, Je-sus, draw Thou near-er, 

And shield my soul from sin.

O Je-sus, Thou hast promised 

To all who fol-low Thee, 

That where Thou art in glo-ry 

There shall Thy serv-ant be; 

And Je-sus, I have prom-ised 

To serve Thee to the end: 

O give me grace to fol-low 

My Ma-ster and my Friend.

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Refocus

I have recently realized that much of my wrestling with my flesh and sin-nature is really the outcrop of inherent selfishness. My fears and addictions and obsessions are thorns polluting the field that the Lord has planted in my heart. I need to come back to the place of surrender. I need to come back to the place where I realize that it's not (never, ever, never will be) about me. (Yes, we'll go back that from January- It's not about you, Carissa. :))

My faithful and immutable Father has gripped my heart and re-kindled the fire in my soul to make a difference. My challenge is to constantly make sure that I'm making a difference by and for and in Him. If it's not for His glory, then it's a fail. If it's not in His power, then it's a fail.

Success can only occur when I respond in obedience to the call that He makes upon me - when I am filling the gap that He divinely reveals and equips me to fill. Remember, it's not about "striving".... it's about "responding".  It's not about you. It's about HIM and THEM and US.

This is the "Morning" portion from today's Charles Spurgeon's devotional "Morning & Evening" which goes along perfectly with the melody of my heart (Isn't that JUST LIKE God!!! He knows and responds to us in such mysterious ways! WOW! God's ways are so much higher than our ways!! (Is 55:9)) Remember: 

     "For my strength is made perfect in weakness." 
             -- 2 Corinthians 12:9

A primary qualification for serving God with any amount of success, and
for doing God's work well and triumphantly, is a sense of our own
weakness. When God's warrior marches forth to battle, strong in his own
might, when he boasts, "I know that I shall conquer, my own right arm
and my conquering sword shall get unto me the victory," defeat is not
far distant. God will not go forth with that man who marches in his own
strength. He who reckoneth on victory thus has reckoned wrongly, for
"it is not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of
hosts." They who go forth to fight, boasting of their prowess, shall
return with their gay banners trailed in the dust, and their armour
stained with disgrace. Those who serve God must serve him in his own
way, and in his strength, or he will never accept their service. That
which man doth, unaided by divine strength, God can never own. The mere
fruits of the earth he casteth away; he will only reap that corn, the
seed of which was sown from heaven, watered by grace, and ripened by
the sun of divine love. God will empty out all that thou hast before he
will put his own into thee; he will first clean out thy granaries
before he will fill them with the finest of the wheat. The river of God
is full of water; but not one drop of it flows from earthly springs.
God will have no strength used in his battles but the strength which he
himself imparts. Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage,
for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give
thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being
filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting
up.

"When I am weak then am I strong,
Grace is my shield and Christ my song."

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Addiction - But God

Okay. Step one = I admit it. I am a food addict. I am a sugar addict. I am NOT in control and will never be in control of my tendencies to try to fill myself with food.  -- > But God (step two and three). 

I was in the "recovery" world for a bit.  I spent a couple years in the rooms of AA and Al-anon. This was about 6-8 years ago and today I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic. I had a drinking problem based on circumstances related to that season of my life.  However, God, in His infinite mercy, provided a way for me to be "healed" of my propensity to find my fulfillment in a bottle when He put me in the role of "caretaker" (and I put myself in the role of "enabler"- ha!) for my full-blown alcoholic/addict ex. (PRAISE= eventually our gracious God saved both of us from that life!)

While I'm on the topic of addictions, I would like to mention that I have also been very addicted to cigarettes and people and pot and adrenaline...oh and Craigslist personals....and Facebook and the computer...  Yeah- I'm an addiction addict! :)

But here's the deal...I do these things (things that I am "addicted to" ) to HARM myself in some way or other. The behavior starts with me trying to fill a void but it eventually gets to the point where I am so sick in my mind that I am showing HATRED to myself by letting something consume me.  I do these things to try to (a.) destroy myself and/or (b.) destroy the behavior by making myself ill (mentally or physically). I try to break myself (instead of allowing God to do the breaking for me- which He has already done on the cross).

That brings me to today.
Today I feel so guilty about how I "let God down" tonight that I am blogging about it and putting it out here in cyberland for all to see (my muck). The short story is that I had made a "pact" with God that I wasn't going to eat tonight.... I had a party at my house and I wasn't going to eat, but when the rubber hit the road, I ate. I lied to God. I was disobedient. (I believe with all my heart that He had asked me not to eat today and He was fully present and surrounded me with His strength and power to overcome my temptations, but I STILL caved. I willingly and disobediently turned from the ONLY WAY and the GREAT I AM and I went my own way. ACK!

...but NOW (here comes the good part) I'm going to call out the fact that guilt is not of God and recognize the fact that Satan wants me to focus on my failure instead of on the Redeeming LORD that has already paid the price for my inadequacies.

Right.... so what? So I fell (again).... now I must get up and keep pressing on...keep standing firm... (or, START or REstart standing firm! :))....

I am SO blessed.
I have an amazing SAVIOR who has already conquered the grave.
I have been chosen to be a member of His family!
I have God living IN ME.
I have a family in Christ in the flesh that the Lord has blessed me with to encourage me (and tonight so many of them DID...)

I just need to look to the hills... where my HELP comes from!  

"I have told you all this so that you may have PEACE in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have OVERCOME the world!" - John 16:33

ps. Ros, if you are reading my blog for the first time and you see this horrible entry, you are going to TOTALLY write me off of the blog train - this one is DEFINITELY a self-indulgent, whiny, self-centered blog.... but check another one. Every now and then God shares some pearls of wisdom through this medium. :)

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