Twisted up

Please just pray for me. I'm really allllllllll set with whining about this. I'm really all set with battling it. I'm really all set with winning and losing. I'm really all set with everything about it.

I am done.

I read this yesterday:
"Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins... Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God's mercy to us." (Hebrews 10:26, 29)

I am DESPERATE for repentance. TRUE, LIFECHANGING repentance. I WANT to turn from my sin- my stronghold - I WANT to TREMBLE with the desire to be obedient to God (the way I was one Sunday after church in January when I was standing emotionally naked before Pastor Smooth asking him how I could NOT listen to God?!)... I want to be back there- not caring about ANYTHING ELSE... ONLY BEING OBEDIENT.

I want to repent.
I want to want to repent.
I tried to repent. I literally CRIED out to God- screamed- for Him to take this from me. Has He? Is this blog evidence of His movement or is it me taking my thoughts into my own hands and trying to capture them so that I can hold onto them as some sort of fuel for myself someday? AHHHH!!! I'm CRAZY.

I'm double minded.
I desire freedom and I HAVE freedom, but I am not living in it. I am in perceived bondage. I already have what I want and I am not acting like it.  "Don't you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.... Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living." (Romans 6:16, 18)

So I'm a slave to righteous living.
That is my deepest desire- I thirst for righteousness. I want to be a living sacrifice. I want to pour out my life for Jesus.... so why am I not? Why am I choosing the world over my "deepest desire"?

HELP!!
I'm tortured!

AHHHH!!!! I have an admission and OH MY GOSH I just SCARED MYSELF--- LOOK AT ME?!!! I just realized that for the SECOND time in a month, last night I went on craigslist and just brrrrrowwwwwsed the "strictly platonic" personals. This doesn't sound like a scary thing to you- but to me, it's a taste of my old life- my 2009 dark life.... my "I'll fill the void myself" life.... ACK!! Both times I went on there for reasons that I felt were "worthy". (The first was that I thought I could "witness" to some people and the second was to post something for someone about their lost cat.... but that was NOT in the "personals" section....and I went there.) ACK!! I'm sick and sliding.... it's a slow fade when you give yourself away... (Casting Crowns).

This makes me think that I need to do something drastic to "offset" this sin/darkness.... but that actually KEEPS me in bondage to myself because then I start acting on my OWN POWER. I think that if I can just kick up helping other people... then I can save myself. But that is WRONG!!! The ONLY thing I can "kick up" is my time with GOD.

I'm a twisted chick.
Lord, please untwist me. God, please save me. Father, please HELP me. Jesus, you have already SAVED me. I pray for the awareness and gumption to live in that freedom. Amen.

<3

ps.  I want to go on craigslist again just to check it out. I also want to eat the rest of the Oreos in my cabinet.
pss.  RubyKaye just sent me Romans 11:1-24 which is SO GOOD. The WORD is LIFE. All of it.
psss.  Remember Romans 7:14-24 (Romans 6-8 = bomb!)