Addiction - But God

Okay. Step one = I admit it. I am a food addict. I am a sugar addict. I am NOT in control and will never be in control of my tendencies to try to fill myself with food.  -- > But God (step two and three). 

I was in the "recovery" world for a bit.  I spent a couple years in the rooms of AA and Al-anon. This was about 6-8 years ago and today I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic. I had a drinking problem based on circumstances related to that season of my life.  However, God, in His infinite mercy, provided a way for me to be "healed" of my propensity to find my fulfillment in a bottle when He put me in the role of "caretaker" (and I put myself in the role of "enabler"- ha!) for my full-blown alcoholic/addict ex. (PRAISE= eventually our gracious God saved both of us from that life!)

While I'm on the topic of addictions, I would like to mention that I have also been very addicted to cigarettes and people and pot and adrenaline...oh and Craigslist personals....and Facebook and the computer...  Yeah- I'm an addiction addict! :)

But here's the deal...I do these things (things that I am "addicted to" ) to HARM myself in some way or other. The behavior starts with me trying to fill a void but it eventually gets to the point where I am so sick in my mind that I am showing HATRED to myself by letting something consume me.  I do these things to try to (a.) destroy myself and/or (b.) destroy the behavior by making myself ill (mentally or physically). I try to break myself (instead of allowing God to do the breaking for me- which He has already done on the cross).

That brings me to today.
Today I feel so guilty about how I "let God down" tonight that I am blogging about it and putting it out here in cyberland for all to see (my muck). The short story is that I had made a "pact" with God that I wasn't going to eat tonight.... I had a party at my house and I wasn't going to eat, but when the rubber hit the road, I ate. I lied to God. I was disobedient. (I believe with all my heart that He had asked me not to eat today and He was fully present and surrounded me with His strength and power to overcome my temptations, but I STILL caved. I willingly and disobediently turned from the ONLY WAY and the GREAT I AM and I went my own way. ACK!

...but NOW (here comes the good part) I'm going to call out the fact that guilt is not of God and recognize the fact that Satan wants me to focus on my failure instead of on the Redeeming LORD that has already paid the price for my inadequacies.

Right.... so what? So I fell (again).... now I must get up and keep pressing on...keep standing firm... (or, START or REstart standing firm! :))....

I am SO blessed.
I have an amazing SAVIOR who has already conquered the grave.
I have been chosen to be a member of His family!
I have God living IN ME.
I have a family in Christ in the flesh that the Lord has blessed me with to encourage me (and tonight so many of them DID...)

I just need to look to the hills... where my HELP comes from!  

"I have told you all this so that you may have PEACE in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have OVERCOME the world!" - John 16:33

ps. Ros, if you are reading my blog for the first time and you see this horrible entry, you are going to TOTALLY write me off of the blog train - this one is DEFINITELY a self-indulgent, whiny, self-centered blog.... but check another one. Every now and then God shares some pearls of wisdom through this medium. :)

<3