Selfish

I am selfish.
I am prideful.
I am twisted.
I am blind.

Lord, PLEASE free me. God... I don't know what you are doing here. What are you doing with me here in Pennsylvania? Who are these people? Is it about them? We help sanctify eachother?! But what was that thing about "it's about me"? That's what you said through Lori this weekend. I believe you speak through Lori... you speak through everyone, but straightforwardly through Lori. I talked about it with Mark for a minute- and when I first experienced an "awakening" in January 2010 you started reeling through my head the phrase "it's not about you, Carissa... it's all about Me" (God)... but what's this? A different application. It is about my sanctification so that I can be a vessel to make it all about You. Probably that. I don't know. EVERYTHING is about YOUR GLORIFICATION. I exist for You and You alone...not me. I can't put focus on ME... but I can and must put it on the spirit in me... the You IN me. Mind the things of the Spirit- not of the flesh. I could go off... I need to pack...

THANK YOU for providing an awesome apartment today! I pray that I would honor you through it....that I would be a vessel of honor...that I would die to myself so that YOU can live through me. SURRENDER, Carissa. TRULY surrender.

So, what are you teaching me about Rue?
IS she an IDOL? I don't think so. I think she's a RESPONSIBILITY that I don't want... but I do... but I don't. I'd rather have her have a happy home so that I can go on with my happy life... just focusing on YOU and my new friends... but then why aren't you making it easy for me to give her up? Do you want me to put her in a shelter? I don't think so. You made me go through all this rigamaroll so I could see and acknowledge my sin... right?  So now I will walk more honestly with myself and you and others... and STOP trying to do things on my own power for my own comfort.

LOVE OTHERS.
STOP being SELFISH.
Lord, you have an amazing plan for  your creation- let me be a part of that.
The spirit that was upon me this weekend was not a good spirit, was it? Was it a purifying spirit? Was it You leading me into all truth? Was it conviction- showing me how despicable I am? Lord, SAVE ME, and TEACH me... LEAD me and GUIDE me and give me HUMILITY.

Here's the email "explanation" I sent to Mark (FMI) <-- for my information. :)

In response to his:
I'd ask why are you keeping your dog. If it's fenced that's great but how is that loving your neighbor letting her outside to bark? The homes are so close together, what if she keeps barking?  Also can't leave her cooped up in the apartment in the fall or winter when it'd too cold for her either.. what convinced you to keep her?
 
No there is never rest until God says we're at rest. So much carnality in us that we must peel back and get rid of. It is a hard walk Carissa.


I said:
I trust God to provide a solution for me- I was trying to figure out a way to get what I wanted (which was to be free from the responsibility of a dog so that I could do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it). I never had peace about it. I see my impure motives in trying to give her up (selfishness and irresponsibility and impulsiveness). I know that you all think I idolize her, but I do not. I would give her up in a heartbeat if God made a way... I am just not going to play God and push and prod and force my own way and that's what I was doing.... and it was bad....and it felt bad....and I was riddled with guilt, not the freedom that I have felt when I am in the will of God. If you guys see something I don't, then that's fine... but I am accountable to God first, and if I choose man (ya'll's opinion (which is based on what I've told you which was based on my own twisted flesh (sin))) over what I believe to be right in my heart, then I am not following God- I'm following man.... and I am not going to do that.

I know that I had impure motives in wanting to give her up.
I know that when I WAS going to give her up, all the doors that I thought were open (people who said they would take Rue if I couldn't keep her) were closed on me.
I know that when I was acting a fool on Facebook, I was doing that to manipulate people into taking her not because I really wanted to give her to the SPCA- I never thought it would really happen.
When I was left with the SPCA as my only choice, I was eaten alive with guilt and confusion and a whole slew of other un-Godly emotions (flesh).
When I gave it to God and admitted my sin, He made a way for me to keep her on TOP of blessing me with an amazing apartment (I WANTED to live in a house in a cute area close to the highways with a quiet housemate... I'm getting all that my heart desired and more).

I've also had someone tell me that it's best for a single girl to have a dog- they are right.

As I said yesterday, I made a commitment to care for her. I won't break that on a selfish whim. If God makes a way, then good...but I'm not going to toil in the flesh and go against what I believe to be right just so I don't have the burden of responsibility of a dog. She doesn't take me away from God- if anything, she takes me TO Him as we go on our weekly hikes (which we will need to start doing again)... also, she sits right by me when I read the Bible... she's never been a distraction before- why is everyone all of a sudden saying that she will be?  <--because I said that, because I wanted the freedom to go to your house or doug's house or lori's house when I wanted to.... but that's just not the way it is now.

When God makes a way for Rue to have a new home- I'm in.  Until then, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and trust God to light my steps.  (I can't tell you how many times I've tried to "blaze my own path" and it comes back to bite me.... by grace I see that that is what I was doing... trying to create the life (freedom) that I wanted on my own power...  I have to nip that in the bud. THAT is my sin. (along with selfishness, and wavering, and not letting my yesses be yesses, and a trillion more.)

I don't know. God- LIGHT MY PATH. Don't give up on me, Lord. Please.
<3