Letttttssssseeeeeeee.... the biggest news is that I was cursed for a week and a half. That was NOT pleasant. :P That ended a few days ago and I'm so happy to be back on the light side. "CURSE?" you say? Yes. CURSE. I was disobedient to God... I was smug and prideful and wanted my own way and my heart was impure. I think this was most evidenced in my sin of not giving up Rue in NC- I felt like God wanted me to do so and I didn't- then worse- I lied to myself and others, justifying my actions and dragging me deeper into sin. When my bible study group (family) called me out on it (I got the "hot seat" for the first time), I denied everything. I then had to leave the group and the light and protection associated with walking on God's path.
For 10 days I experienced supernatural and horrific things that left me in awe of our Creator and desperate for sanity and His grace. Examples are: unexplainable failure at work, my hair falling out in clumps, feeling like I was moving through JELLO (I suddenly couldn't run or move the way I could before), I had voices in my head, sinful dreams, sinful thoughts/demons trying to get me to sin, ACTUAL sin in that I bad-talked the group- letting people think that I was righteous and they were cruel, backsliding, etc. On night #9, I was so tortured by demons that I was writing out what they were saying to me... it was like a play... and my friend who is also tortured by demons contacted me (she has demons telling her to kill herself) and our demons talked to each other- it was NUTS!
Anyway, I'm happy to be back in the fold. As soon as I said I would come back (I lost it and left crazy emails and a voicemail for Mark and then Lori contacted me and asked if I would be willing to come back to study.)... when I said "yes", I'll come back... it was as though my body "collected itself"... I felt that God-shaped hole close up again (I didn't consciously realize that that was what was missing through the 10 days, but that's what it was. I definitely felt vulnerable and unprotected)... weird, I know.
After study that night, I came home and flopped my bible open and it fell to Deuteronomy 28 about the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience. Wiiiiild. God is SO personal!
This week I had decided in my heart to bring Rue to the SPCA in Raleigh. (There are many layers to this decision, including the admission and confession to my sister, Page, that I didn't trust her. I also was told by Animal Friends here that I needed to bring her back to where I got her.) Long story short, I repented and was ready to do whatever it took to obey God. I don't have a choice, frankly. :) <-- not if I want to live and/or please God. So I packed my car after work on Friday and was ready to go. Earlier in the day, the Lord blessed me by giving me AMAZING advice through Joey, and that was to get a "Godly perspective"... don't think about things that I am giving up... think about sacrificing as an OFFERING... GLORIFYING and HONORING GOD with my sacrifice. I journaled:
"Rue is God's creature and I have to trust God with her. Not make my own rules and satisfy my own flesh and desires. I love Rue. I love what she represents. I am comforted in this world by her. I do not want to live without her. If I have to put mySELF to death, don't I have to be willing to put Rue to death too? God- loves- Rue more than I do. I am incapable of perfect love. I am sinful and selfish. I want Rue for myself.
Glorify God with my sacrifice.Honor God with my sacrifice.Trust God with Rue's life so that I will put to death my flesh.Carissa and all I was must die."
And that was it. After my car was packed, I came inside to get Rue who was in the backyard, and lo-and-behold, my upstairs roommate (Kevin) was there and offered (out of the blue) to let Rue out when he gets home from work! I didn't know what to say! I cried and thanked him and told him that I was about to go to NC to bring Rue to the SPCA. WOW! I took that as a ram-in-the-bush. God, why are there so many rams in the bush with Rue?
THEN
Last night as I was sleeping, Rue was taking up lots of space on my bed and I was getting irritated and thinking that maybe it was a "sign" that you wanted me to get rid of her. WHAT? What kind of waverer am I?? I'm not sane. That is Satan messing with me. God wants me to be black and white and stable. I have to stop wavering EITHER way. If GOD wants to take Rue, He will. I LOVE her - she's a good companion and to burden the already overwhelmed dog adoption system because of my sloth, is not acceptable. God made it clear through Kevin and by getting me this house that this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and Rue is supposed to be with me... so here we are. Now RESSSST in that! :)
I'm learning SO much here.
Thank you for your GRACE, Lord.
I may try to write some of what I'm learning down, but not now. I've got to go to the grocery store and it's already 7:30.
Here's ONE: "For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist." 2 John 1:7
Ultimately I must learn who Jesus was and who I am in (fixed position) him. I must put Carissa to death- the old Carissa must go. I must stop seeing myself as who I was or who I THINK or FEEL I am based on what I have or am EXPERIENCING... and instead I must see myself in Christ. I must put to death my past. I must put to death my feelings and emotions and fleshly will. I must instead look forward to the future (Phil 3:13) and see my sins as gone- crucified (Gal 5:24) and myself as free indeed (John 8:36).
I am so blessed to be here studying in Wexford. The Lord has brought me to the next level. God blessed me with Lori- my very own teacher and prophet. God speaks to me through her... the utterance of the Lord is alive in her and confirms what He is teaching me through the spirit in me. It's supernatural and a gift and I must REMAIN / ABIDE in Him and He is present with her. He has provided sincere, truth-seeking friends who bring me UP in my spirituality through our fellowship. Such a GIFT!!
Today Lori said the word "martyr" and it reminded me how God whispered to me about being a martyr one day. I think this means that Carissa will die for the faith. Carissa must die so that Christ can live. I am praying- Lord, please prepare me. Give me strength to die in a manner that pleases you- that honors you and glorifies you and brings more people to you. I pray for a quick death of the flesh and that Your spirit would live through me. I think I have another 2 years here before it happens, but I'm not sure. If there's a 3.5 year thing, I was "awakened" in January 2010... maybe June 2013 might be around the time of death? Not sure.
Okay. go. go. go to the store! <3
ps. I never went to the store. Decided against it. I have ONE MORE reminder for myself:
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