Out of the cult

Well well well.  <-- I don't know why I started with that... I just had it on the tip of my mind and thought I'd start this post (which I hope won't be too long because I have to go to bed) with it.

So I'm out of the cult.
I've had a week of freedom from the bible studies and spending time with the people that are in it (and I also think the fact that said cult-leader, Lori, was out of town tending to her Dad's kidney surgery and didn't have time to pray curses on me) helped me to be a little more spiritually free.

Now, because I have had this "freedom", I have also had tremendous temptation of the flesh... I just got my period today so the past few days have been days where I have been RAVENOUS for food- especially chocolate. It's terrible. I also didn't constrain myself as well as I should have. My flesh is weak.

I am really messed up. I don't feel rooted to anything or anyone. My entire system of belief has been rattled. This weekend I read the book "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs. It was a GREAT book... I was hoping he would dig into/ have similar questions that I do about Christianity, but since he is Jewish, he primarily related to the Jewish customs, etc. It was a funny book- had me laughing out loud a lot... I also related to his search for truth.

I have been shaken by this group questioning my (a.) salvation (b.) experience with the Holy Spirit and (c.) walk.  I think (a.) and (c.) are valid concerns.... (b.) I'm having trouble with.

I have definitely not been "in the Spirit" since I've been here and I feel like my life has been deadened. I don't feel connected to God or others... just cut off and lost.

I have gained a ton of weight.
Some days I feel very connected to the Bible, but the last couple days have been hard because I have been in sin (gluttony) and reading other literature... my sole focus hasn't been on God.

Also, I am talking negatively of this group.
A piece of me wants to rescue them still... I have talked to Joey's sister and given her insight and hopefully God will use that for good. I have also talked to Jen's mom and encouraged her - she is trapped in her body at a nursing home- can't do anything... but I know she heard and understood me encouraging her to believe. I prayed with/for her too. Jen doesn't believe. Jen believes Lori who has cursed her mom. It's sick and sad. There is none of the love of God in that situation.

They are OFF. They are prideful and judgmental and cruel.

I'm here for a reason.
God show me what YOU want me to do, learn, say, and where you want me to go.

Tonight I talked to Wendy for an hour on the phone... she reminded me about the hypocrisy in the churches and false Christians and lies and the demonic influence that fuels it all. She reminded me of the spiritual realm and the power that I won't even be able to comprehend. She reminded me of the lost and how I'm incapable of helping them.... but I am sure that God can... and He wants to use me... but He can't use me if I'm not a good example... but how will I be a good example if I am walking in sin?

Jessicker emailed me today a great email and reminded me of an example of how God chastened her and led her away from sin.... oh, I WANTED to tell you more but I'm tired...

The FACT is that I think I must find a balance. I must walk in the Spirit and obey the Word of truth... I don't think I'm supposed to sin...but that means that I must be obedient to God NOT to sin... He'll point it out and I must obey. I don't obey. I'm rebellious and I'm not worthy of the Kingdom... I DO put my hand to the plow and look back. I'm doubleminded and lost and I'm afraid that I'm in the weeds and won't find my way back.

God, HELP.
Help!!!!!
How do I get back??

Follow You.
Pray.
Obey.

And
1 John 3:4-9
Hebrews 10:26

What does Heb 9:28 mean? Break it down.
Go to bed!!!


* I'm back. I had to look it up... 

Heb 9:28  So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.

Let me break it down:

So: in this way (referring to what precedes or follows): - after that, after (in) this manner, as, even (so), for all that, like (-wise), no more, on this fashion (-wise), so (in like manner), thus, what.

Christ: anointed, that is, the Messiah, an epithet of Jesus: - Christ.

was once: one (or a single) time (numerically or conclusively): - once.

offered: to bear towards, that is, lead to, tender (especially to God), treat: - bring (to, unto), deal with, do, offer (unto, up), present unto, put to.

to bear: to take up (literally or figuratively): - bear, bring (carry, lead) up, offer (up).

the sins: sin (properly abstract): - offence, sin (-ful).

of many: Including the forms from the alternate “pollos”; (singular) much (in any respect) or (plural) many; neuter (singular) as adverb largely; neuter (plural) as adverb or noun often, mostly, largely: - abundant, + altogether, common, + far (passed, spent), (+ be of a) great (age, deal, -ly, while), long, many, much, oft (-en [-times]), plenteous, sore, straitly

and unto them that look for: to expect fully: - look (wait) for.

him: [G846 - autos] From the particle αὖ au (perhaps akin to the base of G109 through the idea of a baffling wind; backward); the reflexive pronoun self, used (alone or in the compound of G1438) of the third person, and (with the proper personal pronoun) of the other persons: - her, it (-self), one, the other, (mine) own, said, ([self-], the) same, ([him-, my-, thy-]) self, [your-] selves, she, that, their (-s), them ([-selves]), there [-at, -by, -in, -into, -of, -on, -with], they, (these) things, this (man), those, together, very, which. Compare G848.

shall he appear: The first a (middle voice) prolonged form of the second (primary) which is used for it in certain tenses; and both as alternates of G3708; to gaze (that is, with wide open eyes, as at something remarkable; and thus differing from G991, which denotes simply voluntary observation; and from G1492, which expresses merely mechanical, passive or casual vision; while G2300, and still more emphatically its intensive G2334, signifies an earnest but more continued inspection; and G4648 a watching from a distance): - appear, look, see, shew self.

the: A primary preposition denoting origin (the point whence motion or action proceeds), from, out (of place, time or cause; literally or figuratively; direct or remote): - after, among, X are, at betwixt (-yond), by (the means of), exceedingly, (+ abundantly above), for (-th), from (among, forth, up), + grudgingly, + heartily, X heavenly, X hereby, + very highly, in, . . . ly, (because, by reason) of, off (from), on, out among (from, of), over, since, X thenceforth, through, X unto, X vehemently, with (-out). Often used in composition, with the same general import; often of completion.

second time:  (ordinal) second (in time, place or rank; also adverbially): - afterward, again, second (-arily, time).

without:  at a space, that is, separately or apart from (often as preposition): - beside, by itself, without.

sin: sin (properly abstract): - offence, sin (-ful).

unto: [G1519 - eis] A primary preposition; to or into (indicating the point reached or entered), of place, time, or (figuratively) purpose (result, etc.); also in adverbial phrases.: - [abundant-] ly, against, among, as, at, [back-] ward, before, by, concerning, + continual, + far more exceeding, for [intent, purpose], fore, + forth, in (among, at unto, -so much that, -to), to the intent that, + of one mind, + never, of, (up-) on, + perish, + set at one again, (so) that, therefore (-unto), throughout, till, to (be, the end, -ward), (here-) until (-to), . . . ward, [where-] fore, with. Often used in composition with the same general import, but only with verbs (etc.) expressing motion (literally or figuratively.)

salvation: rescue or safety (physically or morally): - deliver, health, salvation, save, saving.


*** Also, I didn't tell you about getting out of the "cult". <-- it's not very nice that I call it that. I am convinced it is one though because I believe that they are following false doctrine and an antichrist (who literally thinks of herself as a deity). I have been considering "stepping away" for a few days now and wrote an email to Jen last night but was sitting on it. Today I ran into her at her at the nursing home and she asked me about Ken and I can't lie so I told her that I went to that ex-offender's group again yesterday and brought a drugged Ken home afterwards. I got a call from Joey a few hours later... he called to "yell at me" about it and said that I was wasting everyone's time and pretty much told me not to come back. So I sent Jen the email... I don't know if she got it before or after they talked to Mark who texted me this mean text saying:

"Joey told me u hung out wth ken wile he wz high. Any1 wth common sense wouldnt. Go ur way do wotevr pleases u on a whim and stay away frm us at the ymca. How dare u blaspheme the HS in lori. U r makn judgmnts based on 2 mnths. Leave me and my friends at work alone too. You are the most judgmental person ive ever met. Stay away!"

Pretty clear, aye! :) I'm amazed at how he flipped everything around. That I'm "blasphemeing" the HS in LORI (after SHE was the one who called my conversion/awakening/regeneration "gas"!!!)... and the whole "making judgements in 2 months thing" is right... but they say they can judge ME... so... yeah. I mean, really, I made the judgement in 2 seconds when I looked into their eyes and DIDN'T see GOD... at least not the God that I knew... I should have stayed away THEN.... but God, You brought me here for a reason....

SEEK ME. (Seek HIM!)
Clean up...
Be strong and do the work.

Here's the email I sent Jen:

Hi Jen... I just got off the phone with Joey and he all but told me not to come to group because I was wasting everyone's time.... so that's good... good timing. I wrote you this email yesterday but was sitting on it for who knows what reason....

***

I am going to take a break from group for a bit... I really need to pursue GOD and I'm letting MAN get in the way... I need to go where the Spirit leads. I'm really disconcerted by the fact that our "Holy Spirit" is different. (i.e. You don't believe I have the Holy Spirit and that I should listen to Lori (man) over/instead of Him. We DO obviously have a different Spirit because I don't see the same Spirit in Mark that I see, in saaaaaay, my friend Sayre (who has the same HS in her that is in me. Maybe it's a devil- an angel of light? But He (this HS) has been leading me on a path of sanctification since my regeneration last January (which - yes - was insulting, to have that be called "gas"... ridiculous and rude.)...

I've learned so much this week by just pursuing God on my own - I feel much more "in the Spirit" and God has led me to some great articles, resources, people, etc. that remind me not to take one MAN's word for it. I notice that most (all?) "religions" stem from one man having an "interpretation" of the Bible (much of which is true, some of which may be tainted) and then getting followers to follow them. Then they end up building up their own little (BIG) abomination/ churches. So that kinda freaks me out- I don't want to be a Lori's religion follower. I just want to follow God.

I am disturbed by the encouragement to "focus on yourself"... I don't think that is biblical. We are to love God and love others. Our focus should NOT be on ourself...when we put our focus on ourself, we turn inward and are of no use to the Kingdom. I'm not saying that I am able to "help" anyone myself...I'm not. I stand by the fact that I have a beam in my eye... but I can encourage people and can love them where they are at and pursue God alongside them. I don't need to hole myself away until I reach some pie-in-the-sky state of perfection. I don't see biblical proof of "attainment" of "sanctification" in this life. I (personally) will continue to pursue holiness as I believe that is what the Bible calls for- I just see (SO FAR- I have SO MUCH studying to do yet!) that the "seal" of the Holy Spirit is the deposit and subsequent "stamp"/seal on our hearts to let us know that we are God's (ie. Eph 1:13-14) and I experienced that on January 2, 2010.

Please do NOT pray for me. I didn't like that that time. Pray for God's will to be done, period. Don't pray any curses on me or anything, K?!

I love you and am grateful that God brought me here. I DO see sin in Lori - pride, self-righteousness and idolatry (of self) to name a few. I am so sinFUL myself, so I don't judge her other than to wish that God would open her eyes so she can continue to pursue Him the way He wants. This can't be good for her- this making a diety of herself - I can totally see why God is trying to break her and make her depend on Him more and more. She is the strongest woman I know- she is holding everything together in the flesh.

I don't know what He is doing in any of our lives- He has taught me a TON through you all... the importance of pursuing Him by desiring to understand the deeper meaning behind the scriptures, as well as opening up my awareness to the abomination that is occurring in the the churches today. I wish that I could stay with you and keep learning because I am learning so much, but I think my time here is coming to an end.

I love you Jen, and hope that you will see the light too. Believe that your mom can be healed. I believe.

The truth is in the Spirit. You can't have the Spirit unless you pray and worship in the Spirit... I've fallen away from that and it's like I've lost my source of air.

With love,
Carissa

This is all vanity.
Seek God.
Fear God.
Obey the commandments!
<3

Think with my heart

My friend, Crystal, said the most brilliant thing at Jen's baby shower: "Think with your HEART".... it has stayed with me all week.  Yesterday I saw the application opportunity...

I have been THINKING and trying to FIGURE OUT what is going on here... the "why am I here?" "how long will I be here?" "what is the truth?" "what is this verse saying to me now?" "is this what God means by this?"  <--- just trying to figure it out with my inept little human brain.... thinking is FUTILE.

Furthermore:
Rom 8:6 "For to be carnally minded is death: but to be spiritually minded is life and peace."

Part of me thinks I'm taking that verse out of context. The context that I saw a month or so ago was different... it was about how we think on things. So: G5426 MIND (phroneo) = to exercise the mind, that is, entertain or have a sentiment or opinion; by implication to be (mentally) disposed (more or less earnestly in a certain direction); intensively to interest oneself in (with concern or obedience): - set the affection on, (be) care (-ful), (be like-, + be of one, + be of the same, + let this) mind (-ed, regard, savour, think. 

Rom 8:5 "They that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit."

G2596 AFTER (kata) = A primary particle; (preposition) down (in place or time), in varied relations (according to the case [genitive, dative or accusative] with which it is joined): - about, according as (to), after, against, (when they were) X alone, among, and, X apart, (even, like) as (concerning, pertaining to, touching), X aside, at, before, beyond, by, to the charge of, [charita-] bly, concerning, + covered, [dai-] ly, down, every, (+ far more) exceeding, X more excellent, for, from . . . to, godly, in (-asmuch, divers, every, -to, respect of), . . . by, after the manner of, + by any means, beyond (out of) measure, X mightily, more, X natural, of (up-) on (X part), out (of every), over against, (+ your) X own, + particularly, so, through (-oughout, -oughout every), thus, (un-) to (-gether, -ward), X uttermost, where (-by), with. In composition it retains many of these applications, and frequently denotes opposition, distribution or intensity.

So if I am "about" (according to - even when I am alone) the SPIRIT (which I will to be) then I should think about and set my affection on the things of the Spirit. I wonder if I am, indeed, doing that now by trying to "figure things out"? I don't know... I think so.... but I wonder if I should be thinking with my heart instead of with my mind?

What does "think with your heart" mean?? Proverbs 4:4 says "Let thine heart retain m words: keep my commandments and live." And v.23 (a classic!) says "Keep they heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."

H3820 HEART (leb) = A form of H3824; the heart; also used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything: -  + care for, comfortably, consent, X considered, courag [-eous], friend [-ly], ([broken-], [hard-], [merry-], [stiff-], [stout-], double) heart ([-ed]), X heed, X I, kindly, midst, mind (-ed), X regard ([-ed)], X themselves, X unawares, understanding, X well, willingly, wisdom.

H5341 KEEP (na tsar) = A primitive root; to guard, in a good sense (to protect, maintain, obey, etc.) or a bad one (to conceal, etc.): - besieged, hidden thing, keep (-er, -ing), monument, observe, preserve (-r), subtil, watcher (-man).

H8444 THE ISSUES= (only in plural collective) exit, that is, (geographical) boundary, or (figuratively) deliverance, (actively) source: - border (-s), going (-s) forth (out), issues, outgoings.

H2416 OF LIFE = alive; hence raw (flesh); fresh (plant, water, year), strong; also (as noun, especially in the feminine singular and masculine plural) life (or living thing), whether literally or figuratively: -  + age, alive, appetite, (wild) beast, company, congregation, life (-time), live (-ly), living (creature, thing), maintenance, + merry, multitude, + (be) old, quick, raw, running, springing, troop.

So I'm seeing that I need to protect and guard my feelings, emotions and will... keep a good handle (and understanding and reign) on them. Keep them in check...in control.... because the boundaries of my carnal life depend on this.

I would GUESS that that means that if I keep a tight reign on them and small boundaries for the flesh, that it would make it easier to find the gate to the garden. The larger the border (I'm thinking of a fence or a hedge now), the more I need to walk to find the gate to the WAY.

I don't know.

I went off on a tangent. Regardless... I need to NOT go in circles. Satan works through my flesh and God says to bring "into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5b  - my thoughts are out of control and by living in my brain... thinking and feeling and living through my thoughts... I am allowing Satan to steer the ship. I'm in a battle. I must stand firm in TRUTH, RIGHTEOUSNESS, PEACE, FAITH, SALVATION, the WORD OF GOD (From Eph 6:14-17).

I need to just stand. Trust God. Stand righteously, guarding my thoughts, feelings and will. HE will direct my paths.

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I would venture to say that the most important part of that passage is "In all thy ways acknowledge him"... that's the same as "love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength" (Luke 10:27a).  <-- Nope!!... but that's good too... it's not what God intended here, but I can never go wrong by thinking on another scripture which is truth... just don't mistakenly apply it in an incorrect sense...that's how false doctrine begins.

So I just broke it down and it is saying that if I have confidence in the Lord with all my thoughts, feelings and will and don't try to support myself with my own [carnal] knowledge and in all my ways seek Him, then he will make the road that I am on... the way (presumably to the garden)...straight (pleasant).

Le'Anna pointed out this word a month or so ago and I really like it. It is the word behind "acknowledge" in Proverbs 3:6 "... in all thy ways acknowledge him..." 

H3045 (yada) = A primitive root; to know (properly to ascertain by seeing); used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially (including observation, care, recognition; and causatively instruction, designation, punishment, etc.): - acknowledge, acquaintance (-ted with), advise, answer, appoint, assuredly, be aware, [un-] awares, can [-not], certainly, for a certainty, comprehend, consider, X could they, cunning, declare, be diligent, (can, cause to) discern, discover, endued with, familiar friend, famous, feel, can have, be [ig-] norant, instruct, kinsfolk, kinsman, (cause to, let, make) know, (come to give, have, take) knowledge, have [knowledge], (be, make, make to be, make self) known, + be learned, + lie by man, mark, perceive, privy to, X prognosticator, regard, have respect, skilful, shew, can (man of) skill, be sure, of a surety, teach, (can) tell, understand, have [understanding], X will be, wist, wit, wot.


Okay... I'm leaving... chores beckon! <3

Who Am I?

I don't recognize myself anymore. :( I just read some of my old blogs... I really liked THAT Carissa. I'm different and getting to be MORE different... less light... more grey and dead looking. Satan disguises himself as an angel of light (2 Cor 11:14)...so maybe that's what I was...disguised as an angel of LIGHT. ugh.

Jesus was nothing to look at ...no beauty that we should desire him...(Isaiah 53:2)... a man of sorrows aquainted with grief (v.3). I am supposed to follow him ...a pattern...(1 Tim 1:16)...  deny myself (Luke 9:23).

ARE those old blogs really the result of demons?? Was who I was someone possessed by the world??? Or am I posessed now? I hate the answer to this... I think I am better off now (UNsparkelly)... I can read and comprehend the bible, God's Word, more now. If understanding is an accurate measure, and I think it is, then I am on the path.... I guess it's all part of the path to life... reversal...repentance...turn and walk back toward the garden...

Update

I'm really very sane and even keeled and don't have much to say right now, but I stumbled upon my blog link and figured that I should write SOMETHING to update myself about what's going on on July 10, 2011! :)

Letttttssssseeeeeeee.... the biggest news is that I was cursed for a week and a half. That was NOT pleasant. :P That ended a few days ago and I'm so happy to be back on the light side. "CURSE?" you say? Yes. CURSE. I was disobedient to God... I was smug and prideful and wanted my own way and my heart was impure. I think this was most evidenced in my sin of not giving up Rue in NC- I felt like God wanted me to do so and I didn't- then worse- I lied to myself and others, justifying my actions and dragging me deeper into sin. When my bible study group (family) called me out on it (I got the "hot seat" for the first time), I denied everything. I then had to leave the group and the light and protection associated with walking on God's path.

For 10 days I experienced supernatural and horrific things that left me in awe of our Creator and desperate for sanity and His grace. Examples are: unexplainable failure at work, my hair falling out in clumps, feeling like I was moving through JELLO (I suddenly couldn't run or move the way I could before), I had voices in my head, sinful dreams, sinful thoughts/demons trying to get me to sin, ACTUAL sin in that I bad-talked the group- letting people think that I was righteous and they were cruel, backsliding, etc. On night #9, I was so tortured by demons that I was writing out what they were saying to me... it was like a play... and my friend who is also tortured by demons contacted me (she has demons telling her to kill herself) and our demons talked to each other- it was NUTS!

Anyway, I'm happy to be back in the fold. As soon as I said I would come back (I lost it and left crazy emails and a voicemail for Mark and then Lori contacted me and asked if I would be willing to come back to study.)... when I said "yes", I'll come back... it was as though my body "collected itself"... I felt that God-shaped hole close up again (I didn't consciously realize that that was what was missing through the 10 days, but that's what it was. I definitely felt vulnerable and unprotected)... weird, I know. 

After study that night, I came home and flopped my bible open and it fell to Deuteronomy 28 about the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience. Wiiiiild. God is SO personal!

This week I had decided in my heart to bring Rue to the SPCA in Raleigh. (There are many layers to this decision, including the admission and confession to my sister, Page, that I didn't trust her. I also was told by Animal Friends here that I needed to bring her back to where I got her.) Long story short, I repented and was ready to do whatever it took to obey God. I don't have a choice, frankly. :) <-- not if I want to live and/or please God. So I packed my car after work on Friday and was ready to go. Earlier in the day, the Lord blessed me by giving me AMAZING advice through Joey, and that was to get a "Godly perspective"... don't think about things that I am giving up... think about sacrificing as an OFFERING... GLORIFYING and HONORING GOD with my sacrifice. I journaled:

"Rue is God's creature and I have to trust God with her. Not make my own rules and satisfy  my own flesh and desires. I love Rue. I love what she represents. I am comforted in this world by her. I do not want to live without her. If I have to put mySELF to death, don't I have to be willing to put Rue to death too? God- loves- Rue more than I do. I am incapable of perfect love. I am sinful and selfish. I want Rue for myself.

Glorify God with my sacrifice.

Honor God with my sacrifice.

Trust God with Rue's life so that I will put to death my flesh.

Carissa and all I was must die."

And that was it. After my car was packed, I came inside to get Rue who was in the backyard, and lo-and-behold, my upstairs roommate (Kevin) was there and offered (out of the blue) to let Rue out when he gets home from work! I didn't know what to say! I cried and thanked him and told him that I was about to go to NC to bring Rue to the SPCA. WOW! I took that as a ram-in-the-bush. God, why are there so many rams in the bush with Rue?

THEN
Last night as I was sleeping, Rue was taking up lots of space on my bed and I was getting irritated and thinking that maybe it was a "sign" that you wanted me to get rid of her. WHAT? What kind of waverer am I?? I'm not sane. That is Satan messing with me. God wants me to be black and white and stable. I have to stop wavering EITHER way. If GOD wants to take Rue, He will. I LOVE her - she's a good companion and to burden the already overwhelmed dog adoption system because of my sloth, is not acceptable. God made it clear through Kevin and by getting me this house that this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and Rue is supposed to be with me... so here we are. Now RESSSST in that! :)

I'm learning SO much here.
Thank you for your GRACE, Lord.
I may try to write some of what I'm learning down, but not now. I've got to go to the grocery store and it's already 7:30.

Here's ONE: "For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist." 2 John 1:7

Ultimately I must learn who Jesus was and who I am in (fixed position) him. I must put Carissa to death- the old Carissa must go. I must stop seeing myself as who I was or who I THINK or FEEL I am based on what I have or am EXPERIENCING... and instead I must see myself in Christ. I must put to death my past. I must put to death my feelings and emotions and fleshly will. I must instead look forward to the future (Phil 3:13) and see my sins as gone- crucified (Gal 5:24) and myself as free indeed (John 8:36).

I am so blessed to be here studying in Wexford. The Lord has brought me to the next level. God blessed me with Lori- my very own teacher and prophet. God speaks to me through her... the utterance of the Lord is alive in her and confirms what He is teaching me through the spirit in me. It's supernatural and a gift and I must REMAIN / ABIDE in Him and He is present with her. He has provided sincere, truth-seeking friends who bring me UP in my spirituality through our fellowship. Such a GIFT!!

Today Lori said the word "martyr" and it reminded me how God whispered to me about being a martyr one day. I think this means that Carissa will die for the faith. Carissa must die so that Christ can live. I am praying- Lord, please prepare me. Give me strength to die in a manner that pleases you- that honors you and glorifies you and brings more people to you. I pray for a quick death of the flesh and that Your spirit would live through me. I think I have another 2 years here before it happens, but I'm not sure. If there's a 3.5 year thing, I was "awakened" in January 2010... maybe June 2013 might be around the time of death? Not sure.

Okay. go. go. go to the store! <3

ps. I never went to the store. Decided against it. I have ONE MORE reminder for myself:

GOD KNOWS. Stop trying to justify my actions or explain myself or who I am. I am in a weird place here with people who don't know me... but "me" doesn't actually matter. I need to let it go and realize that God knows who I was and what I've been through and what I'm GOING through and the true thoughts of my heart... so REST in that. God knows.