So I'm out of the cult.
I've had a week of freedom from the bible studies and spending time with the people that are in it (and I also think the fact that said cult-leader, Lori, was out of town tending to her Dad's kidney surgery and didn't have time to pray curses on me) helped me to be a little more spiritually free.
Now, because I have had this "freedom", I have also had tremendous temptation of the flesh... I just got my period today so the past few days have been days where I have been RAVENOUS for food- especially chocolate. It's terrible. I also didn't constrain myself as well as I should have. My flesh is weak.
I am really messed up. I don't feel rooted to anything or anyone. My entire system of belief has been rattled. This weekend I read the book "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs. It was a GREAT book... I was hoping he would dig into/ have similar questions that I do about Christianity, but since he is Jewish, he primarily related to the Jewish customs, etc. It was a funny book- had me laughing out loud a lot... I also related to his search for truth.
I have been shaken by this group questioning my (a.) salvation (b.) experience with the Holy Spirit and (c.) walk. I think (a.) and (c.) are valid concerns.... (b.) I'm having trouble with.
I have definitely not been "in the Spirit" since I've been here and I feel like my life has been deadened. I don't feel connected to God or others... just cut off and lost.
I have gained a ton of weight.
Some days I feel very connected to the Bible, but the last couple days have been hard because I have been in sin (gluttony) and reading other literature... my sole focus hasn't been on God.
Also, I am talking negatively of this group.
A piece of me wants to rescue them still... I have talked to Joey's sister and given her insight and hopefully God will use that for good. I have also talked to Jen's mom and encouraged her - she is trapped in her body at a nursing home- can't do anything... but I know she heard and understood me encouraging her to believe. I prayed with/for her too. Jen doesn't believe. Jen believes Lori who has cursed her mom. It's sick and sad. There is none of the love of God in that situation.
They are OFF. They are prideful and judgmental and cruel.
I'm here for a reason.
God show me what YOU want me to do, learn, say, and where you want me to go.
Tonight I talked to Wendy for an hour on the phone... she reminded me about the hypocrisy in the churches and false Christians and lies and the demonic influence that fuels it all. She reminded me of the spiritual realm and the power that I won't even be able to comprehend. She reminded me of the lost and how I'm incapable of helping them.... but I am sure that God can... and He wants to use me... but He can't use me if I'm not a good example... but how will I be a good example if I am walking in sin?
Jessicker emailed me today a great email and reminded me of an example of how God chastened her and led her away from sin.... oh, I WANTED to tell you more but I'm tired...
The FACT is that I think I must find a balance. I must walk in the Spirit and obey the Word of truth... I don't think I'm supposed to sin...but that means that I must be obedient to God NOT to sin... He'll point it out and I must obey. I don't obey. I'm rebellious and I'm not worthy of the Kingdom... I DO put my hand to the plow and look back. I'm doubleminded and lost and I'm afraid that I'm in the weeds and won't find my way back.
God, HELP.
Help!!!!!
How do I get back??
Follow You.
Pray.
Obey.
And
1 John 3:4-9
Hebrews 10:26
What does Heb 9:28 mean? Break it down.
Go to bed!!!
* I'm back. I had to look it up...
Heb 9:28 So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.
Let me break it down:
So: in this way (referring to what precedes or follows): - after that, after (in) this manner, as, even (so), for all that, like (-wise), no more, on this fashion (-wise), so (in like manner), thus, what.
Christ: anointed, that is, the Messiah, an epithet of Jesus: - Christ.
was once: one (or a single) time (numerically or conclusively): - once.
offered: to bear towards, that is, lead to, tender (especially to God), treat: - bring (to, unto), deal with, do, offer (unto, up), present unto, put to.
to bear: to take up (literally or figuratively): - bear, bring (carry, lead) up, offer (up).
the sins: sin (properly abstract): - offence, sin (-ful).
of many: Including the forms from the alternate “pollos”; (singular) much (in any respect) or (plural) many; neuter (singular) as adverb largely; neuter (plural) as adverb or noun often, mostly, largely: - abundant, + altogether, common, + far (passed, spent), (+ be of a) great (age, deal, -ly, while), long, many, much, oft (-en [-times]), plenteous, sore, straitly
and unto them that look for: to expect fully: - look (wait) for.
him: [G846 - autos] From the particle αὖ au (perhaps akin to the base of G109 through the idea of a baffling wind; backward); the reflexive pronoun self, used (alone or in the compound of G1438) of the third person, and (with the proper personal pronoun) of the other persons: - her, it (-self), one, the other, (mine) own, said, ([self-], the) same, ([him-, my-, thy-]) self, [your-] selves, she, that, their (-s), them ([-selves]), there [-at, -by, -in, -into, -of, -on, -with], they, (these) things, this (man), those, together, very, which. Compare G848.
shall he appear: The first a (middle voice) prolonged form of the second (primary) which is used for it in certain tenses; and both as alternates of G3708; to gaze (that is, with wide open eyes, as at something remarkable; and thus differing from G991, which denotes simply voluntary observation; and from G1492, which expresses merely mechanical, passive or casual vision; while G2300, and still more emphatically its intensive G2334, signifies an earnest but more continued inspection; and G4648 a watching from a distance): - appear, look, see, shew self.
the: A primary preposition denoting origin (the point whence motion or action proceeds), from, out (of place, time or cause; literally or figuratively; direct or remote): - after, among, X are, at betwixt (-yond), by (the means of), exceedingly, (+ abundantly above), for (-th), from (among, forth, up), + grudgingly, + heartily, X heavenly, X hereby, + very highly, in, . . . ly, (because, by reason) of, off (from), on, out among (from, of), over, since, X thenceforth, through, X unto, X vehemently, with (-out). Often used in composition, with the same general import; often of completion.
second time: (ordinal) second (in time, place or rank; also adverbially): - afterward, again, second (-arily, time).
without: at a space, that is, separately or apart from (often as preposition): - beside, by itself, without.
sin: sin (properly abstract): - offence, sin (-ful).
unto: [G1519 - eis] A primary preposition; to or into (indicating the point reached or entered), of place, time, or (figuratively) purpose (result, etc.); also in adverbial phrases.: - [abundant-] ly, against, among, as, at, [back-] ward, before, by, concerning, + continual, + far more exceeding, for [intent, purpose], fore, + forth, in (among, at unto, -so much that, -to), to the intent that, + of one mind, + never, of, (up-) on, + perish, + set at one again, (so) that, therefore (-unto), throughout, till, to (be, the end, -ward), (here-) until (-to), . . . ward, [where-] fore, with. Often used in composition with the same general import, but only with verbs (etc.) expressing motion (literally or figuratively.)
*** Also, I didn't tell you about getting out of the "cult". <-- it's not very nice that I call it that. I am convinced it is one though because I believe that they are following false doctrine and an antichrist (who literally thinks of herself as a deity). I have been considering "stepping away" for a few days now and wrote an email to Jen last night but was sitting on it. Today I ran into her at her at the nursing home and she asked me about Ken and I can't lie so I told her that I went to that ex-offender's group again yesterday and brought a drugged Ken home afterwards. I got a call from Joey a few hours later... he called to "yell at me" about it and said that I was wasting everyone's time and pretty much told me not to come back. So I sent Jen the email... I don't know if she got it before or after they talked to Mark who texted me this mean text saying:
"Joey told me u hung out wth ken wile he wz high. Any1 wth common sense wouldnt. Go ur way do wotevr pleases u on a whim and stay away frm us at the ymca. How dare u blaspheme the HS in lori. U r makn judgmnts based on 2 mnths. Leave me and my friends at work alone too. You are the most judgmental person ive ever met. Stay away!"
Pretty clear, aye! :) I'm amazed at how he flipped everything around. That I'm "blasphemeing" the HS in LORI (after SHE was the one who called my conversion/awakening/regeneration "gas"!!!)... and the whole "making judgements in 2 months thing" is right... but they say they can judge ME... so... yeah. I mean, really, I made the judgement in 2 seconds when I looked into their eyes and DIDN'T see GOD... at least not the God that I knew... I should have stayed away THEN.... but God, You brought me here for a reason....
SEEK ME. (Seek HIM!)
Clean up...
Be strong and do the work.
Here's the email I sent Jen:
Hi Jen... I just got off the phone with Joey and he all but told me not to come to group because I was wasting everyone's time.... so that's good... good timing. I wrote you this email yesterday but was sitting on it for who knows what reason....
***
I am going to take a break from group for a bit... I really need to pursue GOD and I'm letting MAN get in the way... I need to go where the Spirit leads. I'm really disconcerted by the fact that our "Holy Spirit" is different. (i.e. You don't believe I have the Holy Spirit and that I should listen to Lori (man) over/instead of Him. We DO obviously have a different Spirit because I don't see the same Spirit in Mark that I see, in saaaaaay, my friend Sayre (who has the same HS in her that is in me. Maybe it's a devil- an angel of light? But He (this HS) has been leading me on a path of sanctification since my regeneration last January (which - yes - was insulting, to have that be called "gas"... ridiculous and rude.)...
I've learned so much this week by just pursuing God on my own - I feel much more "in the Spirit" and God has led me to some great articles, resources, people, etc. that remind me not to take one MAN's word for it. I notice that most (all?) "religions" stem from one man having an "interpretation" of the Bible (much of which is true, some of which may be tainted) and then getting followers to follow them. Then they end up building up their own little (BIG) abomination/ churches. So that kinda freaks me out- I don't want to be a Lori's religion follower. I just want to follow God.
I am disturbed by the encouragement to "focus on yourself"... I don't think that is biblical. We are to love God and love others. Our focus should NOT be on ourself...when we put our focus on ourself, we turn inward and are of no use to the Kingdom. I'm not saying that I am able to "help" anyone myself...I'm not. I stand by the fact that I have a beam in my eye... but I can encourage people and can love them where they are at and pursue God alongside them. I don't need to hole myself away until I reach some pie-in-the-sky state of perfection. I don't see biblical proof of "attainment" of "sanctification" in this life. I (personally) will continue to pursue holiness as I believe that is what the Bible calls for- I just see (SO FAR- I have SO MUCH studying to do yet!) that the "seal" of the Holy Spirit is the deposit and subsequent "stamp"/seal on our hearts to let us know that we are God's (ie. Eph 1:13-14) and I experienced that on January 2, 2010.
Please do NOT pray for me. I didn't like that that time. Pray for God's will to be done, period. Don't pray any curses on me or anything, K?!
I love you and am grateful that God brought me here. I DO see sin in Lori - pride, self-righteousness and idolatry (of self) to name a few. I am so sinFUL myself, so I don't judge her other than to wish that God would open her eyes so she can continue to pursue Him the way He wants. This can't be good for her- this making a diety of herself - I can totally see why God is trying to break her and make her depend on Him more and more. She is the strongest woman I know- she is holding everything together in the flesh.
I don't know what He is doing in any of our lives- He has taught me a TON through you all... the importance of pursuing Him by desiring to understand the deeper meaning behind the scriptures, as well as opening up my awareness to the abomination that is occurring in the the churches today. I wish that I could stay with you and keep learning because I am learning so much, but I think my time here is coming to an end.
I love you Jen, and hope that you will see the light too. Believe that your mom can be healed. I believe.
The truth is in the Spirit. You can't have the Spirit unless you pray and worship in the Spirit... I've fallen away from that and it's like I've lost my source of air.
With love,
Carissa
***
I am going to take a break from group for a bit... I really need to pursue GOD and I'm letting MAN get in the way... I need to go where the Spirit leads. I'm really disconcerted by the fact that our "Holy Spirit" is different. (i.e. You don't believe I have the Holy Spirit and that I should listen to Lori (man) over/instead of Him. We DO obviously have a different Spirit because I don't see the same Spirit in Mark that I see, in saaaaaay, my friend Sayre (who has the same HS in her that is in me. Maybe it's a devil- an angel of light? But He (this HS) has been leading me on a path of sanctification since my regeneration last January (which - yes - was insulting, to have that be called "gas"... ridiculous and rude.)...
I've learned so much this week by just pursuing God on my own - I feel much more "in the Spirit" and God has led me to some great articles, resources, people, etc. that remind me not to take one MAN's word for it. I notice that most (all?) "religions" stem from one man having an "interpretation" of the Bible (much of which is true, some of which may be tainted) and then getting followers to follow them. Then they end up building up their own little (BIG) abomination/ churches. So that kinda freaks me out- I don't want to be a Lori's religion follower. I just want to follow God.
I am disturbed by the encouragement to "focus on yourself"... I don't think that is biblical. We are to love God and love others. Our focus should NOT be on ourself...when we put our focus on ourself, we turn inward and are of no use to the Kingdom. I'm not saying that I am able to "help" anyone myself...I'm not. I stand by the fact that I have a beam in my eye... but I can encourage people and can love them where they are at and pursue God alongside them. I don't need to hole myself away until I reach some pie-in-the-sky state of perfection. I don't see biblical proof of "attainment" of "sanctification" in this life. I (personally) will continue to pursue holiness as I believe that is what the Bible calls for- I just see (SO FAR- I have SO MUCH studying to do yet!) that the "seal" of the Holy Spirit is the deposit and subsequent "stamp"/seal on our hearts to let us know that we are God's (ie. Eph 1:13-14) and I experienced that on January 2, 2010.
Please do NOT pray for me. I didn't like that that time. Pray for God's will to be done, period. Don't pray any curses on me or anything, K?!
I love you and am grateful that God brought me here. I DO see sin in Lori - pride, self-righteousness and idolatry (of self) to name a few. I am so sinFUL myself, so I don't judge her other than to wish that God would open her eyes so she can continue to pursue Him the way He wants. This can't be good for her- this making a diety of herself - I can totally see why God is trying to break her and make her depend on Him more and more. She is the strongest woman I know- she is holding everything together in the flesh.
I don't know what He is doing in any of our lives- He has taught me a TON through you all... the importance of pursuing Him by desiring to understand the deeper meaning behind the scriptures, as well as opening up my awareness to the abomination that is occurring in the the churches today. I wish that I could stay with you and keep learning because I am learning so much, but I think my time here is coming to an end.
I love you Jen, and hope that you will see the light too. Believe that your mom can be healed. I believe.
The truth is in the Spirit. You can't have the Spirit unless you pray and worship in the Spirit... I've fallen away from that and it's like I've lost my source of air.
With love,
Carissa
Seek God.
Fear God.
Obey the commandments!
<3
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