Update on Heart and Farms and Stuff

Wellllllll, that little post about demons pushing me out the window (right before this one) ....yeah... that was a little... whoo woo whoooooo (out there!!)... but true. This is QUITE the life! I'm SO happy and blessed to be given the chance to enjoy it!! GOD LOVES ME! He is SOOOOO good to me and I am SOOOOO in LOVE with HIM and He lets me love Him through the gifts He gives me! (Like my beloved Tyrone! The BIGGEST BLESSING of my LIFE!! He is SOOOOOO WONDERFUL and I LOVE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH!! It is incredibly apparent to me that He is a miracle-gift from God Himself! Our Father in Heaven divinely put us together so that we can live in unity and peace and joy and BRING HIM GLORY!! It's AWESOME!!!!)

So, I'm happy today. :) I'm blessed with love in my family, home, job, and heart! I LOVE my husband, dog (Rue) and cat (Halston)! I love my job (Trader Joe's)! <-- Which is a KILLER job... hard work... but very rewarding and the Lord teaches me lots through there. The biggest lesson that I am learning is the value of hard-work... about not being lazy... and about working so that I have to give to those in need.

God continues to teach me about His will and the way it has played out over the course of the past...well... at least 6000 years. :) I love the Bible. I dabbled in the Koran, and the Jewish Bible (which is essentially the Old Testament). I love the Apocrapha- especially the books of Ecclesiasticus and Wisdom so far. I have learned about Jehovah's Witnesses. Going to their meeting confirmed for me that I am "anointed" and they, for some reason, don't all look at this as available to them. They think only a few are "anointed".  We are in the midst of looking into Mormonism... very interesting and foreign. All I know is that we don't and can't know it all and that we must continue to seek the face of God... desiring to KNOW and WORSHIP Him. If we seek Him, He will be found of us. I don't know if there is a time or place that we "arrive", but I DO know that if we don't rest on our laurels and continue pursuing the knowledge and understanding of the Most High, begging for wisdom and discernment while remaining humble and obedient- we will have the walk of our life during the course of ... this life! :)

I'm attributing it to God (I guess I'm not 100% about whether it's Him prompting me or my flesh), but I have grown an interest in sustainable and organic farming. Something in me was piqued after watching some food documentaries that my brother turned me onto (Food Inc., and FRESH), and I became very interested in Joel Salatin, an organic farmer who has a heart for appreciating nature as it was designed and healing the land back into its natural state.  This interest has grown over the last year or so...especially in the last few months... I attend an organic field crop tour in Nash County next week, I've been to a dairy farm, and I watch food documentaries voraciously. I ordered Joel Salatin's DVD about PolyFace Farm ($60!) and have begun joining Meetup groups about sustainable and organic farming, gardening, living.

I THINK that my (God's?!) purpose in this is for me to learn it and then pass it on to my current and future friends in Uganda. I have $10,000 from the 401K that I took out which I intended to donate to Frank Tibagendeka in Uganda and now am torn between him and Veronika, but I...we (Tyrone and I) are waiting on God to make it obvious to us. He will. :))... anyway, I thought about using that money to buy them land and then show the locals how they can use it in a sustainable manner.

God's will be done. :)

That's all. I just need to focus on Him... put my trust in God through Christ. I need to continue to seek the Truth. I need to fill my heart, mind and soul with scripture and LOVE and Light. I need to TRUST God and be PATIENT. (Patience is a big one that God is working on with me.)

Tyrone is a wonderful example to me. A blessed husband. A thoughtful and hard worker. Loves me and our family with everything (through Jesus Christ. He loves God first, me second, and everything else comes after that. Ahhhhh. God, THANK YOU!!!).

I guess I'll wrap this up with a happy video that I LOVE this week!

Warfare

Demons have taken me over... they are ruling me. They just tried to push me out the window. I have become a liar and crazy person. I am not well (understatement of the century).

God, please help me.

Oh Sugar!

Sugar again.
Is this the cause of my anxiety? (Debilitating anxiety.)
God may have shown me that this anxiety (which has only been around for a couple days) comes after I eat or drink coffee.

I'm better when I eat natural.

I'm also afraid (perfect love casts out all fear) that I am about to be cut off! Why is the pear tree in my back yard dying? I have a sense that it is a warning to me- showing me that I too will be cut off if I do not obey the Lord. I thought of the parable Jesus speaks of in Luke 13:6-9

⁶ He spake also this parable; A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came and sought fruit thereon, and found none.

⁷ Then said he unto the dresser of his vineyard, Behold, these three years I come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and find none: cut it down; why cumbereth it the ground?

⁸ And he answering said unto him, Lord, let it alone this year also, till I shall dig about it, and dung it:

⁹ And if it bear fruit, well: and if not, then after that thou shalt cut it down.

I don't want that to be me. I think Lori pointed that out to me last year. I'm afraid it's true. Am I not bearing fruit? Is this a trick of Satan to keep me in bondage?

What is spiritual warfare? Are all things not under God's control? They are. He is sovereign. Have I taken my freedom for granted? Have I spat upon the grace that God has given me and He is about to destroy me? Or is this an answer to my prayer for Him to strengthen me and prepare me to die for His honor? It is my desire to be a martyr, beheaded for the testimony of Jesus Christ (see Revelation 20:4). Mmmm. I was confused- I must seek understanding about this. I need to die for the testimony of Jesus Christ. I also must die clothed in white...righteousness... I must overcome. But is this overcoming by being found in Christ through faith. Baptized into Christ Jesus? Yes. But is it also by forsaking my flesh and sin? Yes. Must I attain to righteousness in order to be saved? Yes. Yes? Yes. I must overcome... which happens by faith in Christ. Washed by the blood of the lamb. God's grace leads us to repentance. Lord, help me. Help me! I do not want to fail you. Whoever you love, you chasten. ("...Be zealous therefore and repent!" Revelation 3:19).

Listen and obey.

Stop Looking Back

I keep looking back at who I was and what I did.
What comes out of this is UNHEALTHY. It makes me want what I had and be who I was instead of being GRATEFUL for today and where God has me NOW.

I can't help but wonder if I've backslidden. I just read some of my blogs from October of 2010 and they are jam packed with great scripture! But now I have traded my affinity toward knowing scripture "addresses" for what I *think* is a "deeper understanding" of what the Book means and how it fits together.

I still feel in the dark about what God is communicating to us through it. I would like clarification on what "The Kingdom" means. The gospel...or good news... is about the Kingdom which is (was) near. Is this the rescue and redemption of the Jews that, because of their sin, had been scattered from their land of milk and honey? What were the Jews looking for when they were looking for their "Messiah"? What was the perception of Heaven and Hell back then? Did Jews think they were just going to die (Ecclesiastes 3:20)? Or did they believe in eternal life?

HOW are we to worship Jesus? What does it mean to abide in Christ? To live in him? To put on the new man? What's the difference between God and god? Am I member of Elohiym? Can you even BE a "member" of Elohiym. Was Jesus? Is Elohiym in Jehovah? And Jehovah in Elohiym? WHO are YE in the "ye are gods" (John 10:34, Psalm 82)?

Which world did Christ create? "Worlds" in Hebrews 1:2 means "age, or Messianic period". But before Abraham was, Jesus (Christ?) existed (John 8:58).

Who are the "mansions" that Jesus refers to in John 14:2? Was Moses a mansion? Hebrews 3:3 seems to say that but that God (or Jesus) BUILT the house! Yes... in John Jesus said that he goes to "prepare a place" for us. It doesn't say that HE IS the place. But we are to be IN him....baptized (made whelmed) INTO the name (character and authority) of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost (Matthew 28:19).

Jesus is the channel. He superimposes himself on us. He covers us. He goes before us. He is the example (1 Peter 2:21). He was the first born and then if God deems it, we are conformed to his image and the first born among many brethren (Romans 8:29). We are supposed to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23). We are to drink the cup that he drinks (Matthew 20:23). Is this the cup of suffering or wrath/fury (Jeremiah 25:15)? Are WE supposed to take on ourselves the sins of others? Is this what forgiving others means? Humbling myself. Making myself of none effect. 

There are so many questions and thoughts like this going around in my head- the more I know, the less I know. One thing I JUST discoveredrememberedvalued while I was writing this, was that I must continue in the Word (John 8:31-32). My life and thoughts are driven by it. I need it.

Anyway... I must continue in my pursuit.
I feel frustrated yet grateful for the fact that I am getting more homely... less able to relate with the rest of the world. My conversation is becoming less interesting to others (or myself). I am still in the world, but the Lord is answering my prayer to make me poor in spirit, meek, gentle. I still have much "charisma", but it is less about me and more about the Lord. I am SO in process. I'm like an awkward adolescent right now. I must embrace this time. I am in the wilderness. (So Carissa, DO NOT do as the Israelites did and complain and whine and stop believing God. Where did that get them? 40 years more of wandering and the loss of entering into his rest (Hebrews 3:16-19).) EMBRACE this time!

Listen and obey.
TRUST God (not humans, not flesh).
LOVE Tyrone (and others).
LET GO of my self and expectations.
It's not about me.

HUMBLE MYSELF.

<3

Change My Expectations

Seeeeeeee, here's the lesson I learned:

I have expectations that I want fulfilled out of life (in any given circumstance). When things don't go according to my expectations, what I do NOW is try to change the THINGS... I try to change LIFE to meet MY expectations. I try to manipulate people and situations to make it fit into the box that I think it should be in in for my expectations to be fulfilled.

What I SHOULD be doing is changing my expectations (something that I have control over for myself) to fit the circumstances instead of trying to change LIFE (which means changing or manipulating other people) to fit what I think should be!! See?!

The Stabbing Incident

Remember the stabbing incident. Anger abounded in me. I was filled up with anger and hatred and ugliness and I started to journal and then I started to YELL at (in) my journal and then I started to STAB my journal! I stabbed and it felt so good!!! I stabbed and STABBED and STABBED and stabbed and the pen came to pieces in my hand and ink went everywhere and it felt GOOD! I came downstairs and SCREAMED and hit the walls with a pillow and it felt so good!!! And then I went outside under the stars and CRIED and MOANED to my Daddy and it felt so good.

Tyrone came down while I was hitting the walls with a pillow. (It was VERY loud.. I liked it.) It felt good. I had so much anger...I was fired from stupid It's Just Lunch yesterday. I failed and I hate that. I didn't want to play their game. I don't want to "sell" anything except GOD. God is the only One who is worthy to be praised or exalted.

Tyrone held me on the stairs as I cried. He just held me. Then we had sex and that helped. He is my soul mate and gift from God and I don't treat him like it. I treat him badly. Like a child. I belittle him and tell him all the things he does wrong. I ignore him. I destroy him. I hurt him to make myself feel better. I feed my ugly flesh in that way. He is patient and a gift from God. A true gift.

Follow God. Wait on Him. He will show me where to go to church and when. Just go where He tells me to go. God, you are my Lord.

I need understanding... I want clarity.... I want to KNOW... but God wants me to TRUST HIM. HIM. Trust HIM. Walk blindly. Follow. Trust. Just like a child. Have faith. God will lead me where I need to go. Put no confidence in the flesh. Trust God. Love Him.

Go take a shower and go to Church In The Woods!! :)

For the Record

I've backslidden.

I'm lost.
I'm married.
I'm pursuing MAN for the truth.
I'm meeting with Jehovah's Witnesses to study the Bible tonight. With the "Local Church" to study on Friday. I met with a Catholic a few days ago. (All this WITH Tyrone. So it's not just "I", it's "we", but I'm dragging him.)

I'm sure I'm supposed to be in Pittsburgh. I never grew more than when I was there. I need to study the Bible for myself. I need not be inviting other heresy into my life. I have enough to work through already.

I'm a mess.
I'm carnal...fleshly... focused on the things of this world. I have divided interests. I have demonic thoughts (I even had a suicidal thought a week or so ago). I'm controlling, greedy, manipulative, cruel, emotional, selfish, prideful and mean (and much more, I'm sure).

I've backslidden.
I need to spend time with God first and last each day.
I need to pray in the Spirit.
I need to walk Rue... go on walks with Rue and God.
I need to go to the gym.
I need to die to mySELF.
What little understanding I've been given is being taken away.

I start a new job next week as a Dating Coordinator (or something) for It's Just Lunch. Sales. Trust God. Love Tyrone. I hate it. I want to crawl under a rock. I want to go back to Pittsburgh.

I don't want to be married. I hate it. I hate it. I constantly compare what I'm doing FOR him to what he is doing (or not doing) FOR me. ME. I'm selfish. ME ME ME.

GOD has provided for both of us.
I keep blaming Tyrone (in my heart) for "taking advantage of me".... because he doesn't do anything... I shelter and feed him. I drive him whereever he wants to go. (He has been volunteering at Christian Library International- a gift to them and to him... really... a good thing!)  But I hold it over his head as though I'M doing anything. Really, God is providing for BOTH of us. GOD is providing for US. I have added protection with Tyrone as my husband- he seems to be highly favored by God.

I don't know. He's mentally ill. He's not right in the head. Sometimes he is brilliant and speaks marvelous spiritual truths. Other times he doesn't even know when he started believing. I think this is a gift... he could be prideful (like me) if he knew that he has been pursuing God for a while. I think it turns on and off. I don't know.

I don't know.
I'm babbling.
I'm just documenting that I have BACKSLIDDEN. I'm lost. Sinful. A MESS. In need of a SAVIOR... God, please give me GRACE. RESCUE me!! Please! I can't even help anyone else because all I can see is my own MESS! I'm drowning. Now I'm drowning in self-pity.

I don't want to meet with the Jehovah's Witnesses anymore. I only like that they don't believe in the Trinity. I HATE that they base their "truth" on the Watchtower Society.

God will show me the truth.

By the way, God showed me today that my Old Testament/SHADOW of what was to come was that I seek to please MEN. I desire the approval of man.  But the NEW TESTAMENT rendering of that is that I seek the approval of... to please... GOD!!!  May I live under the New Covenant.

May I seek the TRUTH.
Forget men.
The prophets had no one... I don't need anyone to stand with me... I must be faithful to the LORD MY GOD, and STOP SINNING!!!! My behavior- my dirty heart - is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Love God.
Hate Sin.

PRAISE THE LORD!!

God, teach me who "the Lord" is. I must love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul, strength... but WHO is the Lord? Is Jesus LORD? He is. Do I worship Him? Is that right? I must worship YOU- the ONE TRUE GOD! The/my Creator. Teach me the truth so that I may worship You in Spirit and in Truth.

Please help me.
Protect - keep - hedge me about from the lies of the world.
All I need to do is love, honor, and obey YOU.

...ack. :( and now Tyrone too. Oh no. Yes. Thank you. You're right. Help me Lord God.

Forgive me.
Help me.

Please comfort Carrie Ann and Lindsey and their whole family as they suffer through the loss of their little brother who killed himself yesterday. Father, I don't understand this world. Please help me to love others well. I've forsaken Ken, a brother, and I confess and repent. I will text him now. Strengthen your servants. Give us courage and peace and security in You. May we abide in Christ. Teach us what that means. Amen.

I'm not gonna proof this- gotta go. It's emotional smut anyway... I need YOU, LORD. Please help.
<3