Okay, so desire ISN'T the enemy...

Okay, so ... I can't say that "God told me"... He keeps reminding me that is NOT acceptable speech (Jer 23:38)... but I was taught yesterday...or maybe it was the day before....the days are melting together.... that DESIRE isn't in itself bad. We naturally desire things...it's how we are built. I need, instead, to observe my desire and make conscious choices free from the bondage of guilt (which usually naturally comes up when I "desire" something that I have convinced myself is evil.)

Examples are "the cookie" from this season... and now "life" (because I've labeled "clinging to life" as "bad"... but it's not "bad", it's natural. So I need to observe and learn from it and then separate the chaff from the wheat.)

I probably wrote about this experience before - but waaaaaay back in spring 2011 I had the opportunity to live with some friends. I left all I owned and knew here in North Carolina (well, except Rue - I didn't leave her, and ultimately couldn't, and that caused my ultimate "downfall" from the house-church that I joined). Anyway, I left N.C. and went to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to join a house church that believed that it was possible to become sinless, to put to death the flesh and be perfect as "my Father in Heaven is perfect".

I have always battled with food/sugar addiction and I had gone to Walmart and picked up a Magnum ice cream bar.... I had so much guilt about it, I just knew I SHOULDN'T... I was about to go home and eat dinner with my friends, but I DID IT. I felt so slippery and dark... covered in LUST. I was sitting in my car devouring this bar when my friend Jen called. She asked what I was doing, and we were supposed to admit all our sins to one another - we were completely accountable to one another (which I think was really great)... and I admitted it... and you know what she said? I was sitting there suffocating in shame and barely croaked out what I felt was this dirty secret ... and she just said "What?! Why? Don't worry about that! It's just ice cream! If you want an ice cream, have one!"

I can't explain how much that tiny interaction moved me! I was FREE! (I've since put myself back under condemnation for such things - culture, family, self-image keep me in bondage.) <-- I talk to Tim about this a lot. He says "if you eat a cookie, is it the end of the world?" and I say "no, I guess you're right".... but recently I have realized that it's not the cookie, it's the TOXIC nature of it... the fact that it is POISON to my body. Is it the end of the world if I eat poison? I guess it depends on what kind of poison... but eventually, if I eat enough poison, it's the end. Ha!

This just leads me back to my original point. I need not make "desire" (itself) the enemy, but I need to instead, OBSERVE the desire, and respond intentionally with presence.


ps. I've been in a week-long healing reaction or panic attack or SOMETHING (which I don't want to label - it feels like death) and I haven't been well.... BUT God has been so close! Dr. Wilson's "The Real Self" and "The Pushing Down" exercise are so helpful. I finished the Bhagavad Gita (which was FANTASTIC - the walkthrough for westerners). I finally found The Way of Mastery audio for FREE! (It was $130 for the audio set and I just couldn't justify it... but I was lead to it on YouTube. This whole YouTube channel looks AMAZING!!! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOdt4ugDsU0R6Qis6lfW2Ew/featured))

I need to let go of FEAR. I'm in bondage. I can be in LOVE or in FEAR. I'm in fear. Surrender. Let Go and Let God. Whatever will be, will be. Live in the present. Be Here Now. Be LOVE Now. Amen.