...following your heart

Happiness is following your heart, even if it takes you to "death".

Fear of death is a topic that I've been trying to observe and address in myself for years. I have read a few books on it such as "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi - both were very good.

I've watched some documentaries - can't remember names now - but these past few years I've found some courage within to look at death (a little).

A few months ago I saw an invitation for a "Death Midwife" (or some such name about midwives and death ... helping people through their transition. It was a weekend series/class offered at Earthaven (which I've never been to yet, but am interested in living there) and I reallllly wanted to go, but Michael said "NO". (Of course - ha! It costs money and he is also trying to protect me from all the things I want to do. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I'm not sure in this case yet... I suspect it just isn't my time.)

Anyway last week(ish) I saw another mention of this "death midwife" thing... maybe another class offered somewhere... I think I saw it in an email, I can't remember. Anyway, I think there's something to it.

I wanted to be a chaplain for a while ... but then I realized that I don't have one "religion" or an understanding even that I can hang my hat on, and it would require school and doctrine, so I gave that idea up. HOWEVER, all those "titles" which will only feed my ego are unimportant. I can be the presence of LOVE and acceptance just as I am where I am. My ego is always trying to stretch for something ... and it stretches me from the truth which is BEING.

I'm finally beginning to understand. Just BE HERE NOW. BE LOVE NOW. That's all.

A couple months ago I felt like I should maybe explore volunteering at hospice. I can't remember if it came to me in prayer, meditation, thought, or dream - but it was something I felt interested in looking into. When I asked Michael about it he put the kabash on it! DARN!

Today when I was driving to town to get something, I was feeling very present. I stopped at the BoJangles of death (gross food <--fake "food", toxic poison), but I was sooooooo hungry and wanted an egg and cheese biscuit. I decided to eat there instead of eating on the run like usual, so I sat down and observed all the people around me (and it was crowded)! There were tables of old people eating together. I felt very present and very peaceful and was grateful to be there in that moment.

After getting our groceries at Walmart I had to drive to the mailbox and realized I would drive by the Hospice House. I just connected with this stream within me and followed it right up to the door and in to Anita where I spoke with her about volunteering. I filled out an application and we'll see what comes of it.

I THINK this is where God wants me to learn next. My next class.

I saw something in the Eckhart Tolle SOA (School of Awakening) Facebook comments where someone suggested to someone else that they should volunteer while they were looking for a job... that stuck to me too.... and Tim and my Mom have said it in the last many years a couple times too...

I just think it's a thing... the thing... that I should be doing.... and maybe I can learn to be at peace - in the moment - with death. I want to observe and be a force or channel of Love, Light, and acceptance of what is. We are all going to die. It's part of life, perhaps the greatest part, an opening into a new life and world. I don't know, but I want to stop fearing it and instead, love it.