Hello Beloveds! I am Carissa and happy to be here. <--Happy is not the right word... ummm.... it's not full enough... I can see that "ego-Carissa", wants to introduce herself and belong and she's very bubbly! Ha! We love her and appreciate her efforts, but we want to be rooted in authenticity and frankly ego Carissa may not have that capability so let me try to tap into my true self and continue....
I AM grateful to be here. There is much to learn. My journey has been lined with riches that my eyes are becoming more and more open to. I struggle with trying to piece together "my" "story", but let’s see what I will share:
Ten years ago. January 2, 2010 was the day that I first experienced a RADICAL awakening! It was coming for a while - I went through what I guess was a dark night of the soul - I felt hunted by God and sometimes it seemed like He was dive-bombing my head like a bat. For a couple of weeks everything was dead to me - it seemed like I was going to die or something, like it was the end. But that day in January I was praying in a church environment and surrendered my root of bitterness and WHOOSH, I felt God pour into me from the top of my head and I poured out through my feet. It was very strange and I had no context for it for years. I cried and snotted all over myself and it was the beginning of what's been a wild 10 years. I began to hear the voice of God who told me right away "It's not about you". (Well, actually, the FIRST thing they told me was to pick up a piece of garbage that was on a hiking path. I fought that and tried to keep walking but the Voice was relentless and eventually, I gave in and went back and picked it up. Okay. Check! Baby steps people!)
The more I listened to and obeyed the Voice, the more responsibility I was given. I had some tremendous adventures - I went to Africa, God did amazing miracles that I didn't have to do a THING to make happen, I lived by faith for a year and only served Him, I left my home and moved to Pennsylvania to join a house church that had some pretty interesting beliefs, I mean... I guess I could go on and on, but suffice it to say there were radical acts of faith that went down and God moved in and through me and it was a blessed existence... "the mountaintop experience" for sure. I learned so much.
As I was broken out of traditional mind-sets, I searched for "my tribe”. I learned so much during that time, the truth was within me. I was gifted with morsels to nibble on to sustain me... but I felt very much on my own. My ever-evolving beliefs and insight about life, government, religion, etc. just didn't fit anywhere.
An important relationship that I am still processing was my second husband. I walked into what I believe to be an "arranged marriage" by God. I joined a prison ministry and wrote a letter to a man in prison to encourage him. In his second letter to me this man asked me to marry him. I felt the spirit of God in the situation and in him and the whole thing was weird and intense so I told him if it was God's will that I would. (As you can imagine, my family and friends thought I had really taken a dive off the deep end - I just kept getting weirder and weirder - ha!) The next 4 months before he got out was like the garden of Gethsemane - I was crying out to God asking him to take this from me but I willed that His will be done. (“T" was not stable, had a checkered past, severe mental/medical conditions and I had never met him.) But again I was trying to live by faith... and to this day I believe that “T" was a gift from God and we WERE supposed to heal each other in Love… however, the mission was aborted as a result of ego and trauma. I sustained a serious head injury and broken sacrum and was no longer able to cope/hold everything together (which I had defaulted to doing in my flesh anyway) and it became too much. There's a lot of yuck here but long story short, he left while I was sleeping and I was broken-hearted (<—understatement).
When he left, he told me that he thought I was a narcissistic energy vampire. I didn’t know those terms yet and of course I pushed back! GASP! No! Not me! YOU’RE the narcissist!! I knew that I was an angel - I had SAVED HIM. I had given him everything he had and supported him to rebuild his life (we were 3 years out from his prison release at the time)! Anyway, I couldn’t see it….
So now 4+ years out from him leaving I am in the middle of processing that he was absolutely on point. I have been a narcissist. I have been an energy vampire. I have also been co-dependent and I am definitely an empath. I'm not sure if everyone is half energy vampire/half empath, but I definitely am. My empath nature made me extra sensitive to other’s energies and emotions and thoughts and I’ve always tried to keep them comfortable and not rock the boat or upset them. But my programming taught me to get [a counterfeit of] love and ego/esteem needs met through manipulation, control tactics, guilt-mongering, gaslighting, and also through do-gooding (helping people so that they would love and need me and feel indebted to me (more power to chew on and give me false security)). I make myself sound really evil and I think it really is, but it seems like my heart intention has always been to serve our higher power (though figuring out what that means has morphed a lot through this incarnation)... so I can only deduce that it is all part of my soul's journey and I had to experience it so that I can drag the darkness into the light for healing and release.
Whooo! I’m sorry for the book - I appreciate anyone who tracked with me through that. I’m really trying to get my head around/heal/release my own control dramas so I think that’s why I shared so much about this.
I’m really interested in many topics - I just joined yesterday and have found so many riches to explore - so much to learn. I’ve desperately yearned for support on my journey (which is probably why I didn’t get it - I’m always in resistance (whether it is positive or negative - CLINGING to the good or PUSHING AGAINST the bad) all of it keeps me in a state of resistance. Anyway, I have so many strange things happening to and through me (especially since the awakening in 2010). One day in 2011 I asked a pastor that I knew experienced some of the same wild things about it and he told me that I wasn’t supposed to talk about it. I’ve been torn with guilt because I want to talk about it so that I can understand what’s going on and learn how to use the visions (etc.) and I have felt that it is a responsibility sometimes to do something with the information… I’ve tried many outlets but I just wanted so much to have support… like someone to hold my hand and explain what’s going on. I read recently about shaman kids that are born with gifts and they begin training at a young age with an elder to learn about their gifts. I wanted that - a nice old grandma to take me back to her wigwam and compassionately teach me the ways of Source. (I’m quite happy to have beautiful Lisa Renee and all of you lovely souls to teach me instead!
)Frankly, maybe I'm only now really ready for this understanding. I’ve been so rooted in fear and programmed since childhood that anything out of the “ordinary” is witchcraft and gosh, I don’t want to displease our Creator! I’m just recently beginning to let go of some of those fears. It’s all part of the journey to awakening to who I really am. Who we really are.
What a wild ride this is! I'm grateful to be here with all of you!
Love,
Carissa
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