Will it stick?

Well, we broke up (again). Drama llama. Will it stick? If he comes back to me and shows a crumb of kindness I am prone to give him what he wants. He didn't respond to my email about the Ireland money. He just does things his way, doesn't care about my feelings, insults me every step of every way. Yesterday he came over and spewed a bunch of things that he thinks I'm so selfish and controlling about - stupid and exhausting nit-picking about my kindnesses...  mad that he didn't pick pictures for the ireland book, but we haven't gotten to that place. I've looked at 3 pages so far and I am doing my best and then going to ask him for his feedback...but I was getting a rough draft together. I have 10+ hours into it and he wouldn't have that kind of time. I was so intentional about using HIS photos. It's just stupid. And the hammock stand- and whatever else stupid crap... I made our initial couples therapy appointment...I picked a time that might might work for him... 5pm... and checked with him about it (and it was fine) but he wish I wouldn't have made it without talking to him first. I told him that I made it (because I had to - I was on the phone with them and they were offering me appointment times, duh) and would adjust it if it wouldn't work. How is that controlling? Anyway... he's just out to get me. Out to complain. Misha pegged it this morning... it is a lack of gratitude. 

So the truth is that I need to take this time to take care of myself and love myself and get strong and then I will attract a man who is wise, compassionate, conscious, and kind. Maybe even someone with drive, respect, and possibly some resources. Who wants to enjoy life and not coast.

Ryan still hasn't even bought a loveseat for his house so we could both sit down together. We've been together over a year... 14.5 months... and he has slept at my house 2.5 times, he complains about every meal I make, he complains about everything I say and do and insults me about my being - how I look, think, act, smell, live.... 

What the heck am I doing?

Riding the silver lining. 

But it's time to get off.

It's just that when it's good, it feels so nice. I like to be with him when he's happy (or even not happy but not lashing out at me)... I have to observe codependency traits in myself and I definitely do feel better when we are at peace, but that does feel natural. Anyway, when he's content and happy, we are happy. But when he gets the scowl (like Le'Anna), he's looking for a fight... I wonder if that's the pain body? Yesterday talking to Corie, I could see how she also doesn't see the good... Jerry is constantly trying to improve himself and commit and work more on the marriage, but she just nit-picks and it's like she's creating this angry divide and playing the victim in her mind. Am I doing that?

I want to be happy.

I don't want to play victim-victimizer or rescuer any more. 

It's beween me and ME... this whole thing... remember? Gosh, you are wise dear Carissa. Find your own peace. 

Also, looking to pendulums and 8Balls and anything outside yourself to tell you "the truth" is silly. I thought I couldn't trust my heart, but I better learn to. Christ is inside me and my guidance speaks from inside me. I have to learn to discern the difference, but the voices outside...the guidance...they could be anyone. I guess I need to be intentional about asking for Christ-centered guidance if I do use those... but maybe I just need to listen to me and do the best I can. Listen to my heart and consider the things my mind says. I have to get quiet to listen to my heart. 

I need more quiet.

I need more self-care.

I need more ME.

My attention and affection has been pointed outward (to Ryan), and it's wasteful. Stop.

___

Note, lots of liquid plasma coming in yesterday... fear came upon me too.. maybe related to the power of God that was filling me. And when I didn't resist and sat with, it was peaceful. Foggy. I've been seeing shadows too. Seeing more. Spirit fog and shadows. 
Moses senses the energy comes upon me/us and I see his panic or reaction...nervousness... and it triggers my panic. He's been with me through all of these "upgrades", thanks be to God!

_____

Great talk with Crystal, a kindred spirit

Yesterday's Ag pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dragon_Line_Session

___

One week ago I came home to beautiful flowers, a kind note, and service/he had moved all of Sioux's old hay and fixed the barn up for her/them.

Last night he broke up with me. The last few days he's just been picking on me.

I feel like maybe I haven't invested enough time in what he wants - I gave him a good sexual experience at the end of last weekend (thank you), but should I have watched basketball with him? I offered but he didn't seem to want me to. It has been so strained. He's had problems with me. He just wants to have problems with me. This is why I think there's someone else, because he seems to purposely be pushing me away and looking for and acting mean on purpose.

It's horrible. So sad.

I love him.

I need to love me more.

____

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~Buddha 

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Destruction_of_the_Baphomet_Network

(I think this is telling me that this is part of what's going on with Ryan (and me too, but I think this infiltration and damage is done to him.

" As the Baphomet Network is being broken down into pieces and being removed from the planet, the shadow contents of past patterns that are connected to our pain body may arise and surface for witnessing. If we can be responsible for our own darkness through observing, discerning, accepting and then shifting the pain into Neutral Association and self-love, this is a great opportunity for spiritually healing the Pain Body and integrating the soul aspects.^[1]"