Long time - Finally over

 I read this quote, supposedly by Jodie Foster, on Facebook and it's meeting me here today:

"If you cannot find a good companion, then walk the path alone.

Not every journey requires a crowd.

Not every season requires partnership.

Not every space deserves access to you.

It is better to move forward alone than to drag along someone who slows your growth.

The wrong company costs more than solitude ever will.

It drains your energy.

It distracts your focus.

It weakens your discipline.

It plants doubt where confidence should be.

Some people are comfortable where they are. They do not want to improve. They do not want to stretch. They do not want to change. And when you start aiming higher, your growth makes them uncomfortable.

Instead of supporting you, they question you.

Instead of pushing you forward, they pull you back.

Instead of celebrating your progress, they minimize it.

That is not companionship. That is resistance.

Walking alone is not loneliness. It is alignment.

It is choosing peace over pressure.

It is choosing progress over popularity.

It is choosing self respect over approval.

Solitude gives you clarity.

It strengthens your independence.

It teaches you to trust yourself.

It allows you to build without distraction.

And the truth is, when you are committed to your growth, the right people will eventually align with your direction.

You do not need many.

You need genuine.

Do not fear walking alone for a while. Fear staying stuck because you were afraid to move without company.

Better alone and advancing than surrounded and stagnant.

Your path deserves protection."

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Ryan and I finally broke up. I spent Valentine's Day with my one true love, ME. It was the best Valentine's Day ever. Nephew K3 spent the night, worked for a few hours, long walk with Moses & Sunshine on the Greenway, trash haul and some cleaning (after Ryan moved out the day before and there was such a mess to clean - energetically and literally), and then the BEST CONCERT experience ever - NeedtoBreathe in Durham with the best experience, seats, songs! LIFE GIVING!

I did finally, after 3 years, get the experience of Ryan "moving in" - he and his cats stayed for 2 weeks and it did not go well. From day 2 or 3 when he went into my phone and read/listened to my private notes, deleted my journals and recordings and burned so much up... to continuing to try.... to practicing forgiveness and surrender... but his mess and negative energy (and he never slept in the same bed with me even once) and lack of love, and so much hatred and dissention and using... I cooked him all his meals, worked 2 jobs (while he did not work and hasn't for the last 5 months), paid for everything... and he had only mocking, criticizing, cruel, swearing, insulting things to say - no gratitude. And he robbed me on the way out - taking the pink quartz heart he had given me before as well as some stairs he made me (that I paid for the wood for), and more... but he can have it all. I just want my life back. I am picking up the pieces.

His insecurity was too much. He couldn't allow me to have friends. He wanted to keep me small. When I asked him about it the first day he was there, it set him off. (If he wanted to support our expansion or if he wanted to keep me small? If we could help each other grow?) He didn't have goals or dreams or aspirations. He doesn't have ambition. He was sucking my life-force to feel alive. He has such talent, but isn't motivated to use it. He takes and takes and resents people taking his time and energy. He needs God but doesn't want to consider that there is a higher power than himself. He is the smartest, he knows best. I am done dating. I'm not looking for a partner. I am going to learn through this experience I've been given - this LIFE. But I am going to love MYSELF. Listen to and care for ME. And I want chocolate. So there. But then what? I have a demon. I need to dig deep into its roots and find out what is fueling this thing... and that's MY work. It's all for me. Thank you God.

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I have an insatiable whole inside me that I fill with substances - in particular SUGAR or chocolate right now. And it wants me to move back to carbs and just for today...blah blah... LIES. This part of me does not serve me. It hurts me. It is whispering and enticing me to do something that HARMS ME. That makes me feel LESS ALIVE. That ensnares and imprisons me. Every decision I make ... every step I take... changes the course of my life.