A Broken Heart

Dear Lord, Dear God, Dear LORD, I need You and only You. I am totally lost without your guidance and direction. I am weak and [here's the problem- I'm] beginning to think that I need to rely on my own strength...  WHY am I so daft? Why do I keep forgetting that the only way to true fulfillment is to surrender to Your timeline and plan for me?!! Let me NOT forget. Let me KNOW in my heart and my actions that I am wholly yours.

My prayer today AND the best song verse ever !! ...ok- at least today (it is rolling around and around in my head and heart)... is in the song "Hosanna" by Hillsong United:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity


<3

*** a bit later ***
A miracle just happened. I just almost sent a really self-centered/whiney/bordering-on-mean/manipulative/ BITTER email to my mother (my mom- the one who gave birth to and loved me- the miracle of miracles). Why would I do that? I don't really know. I have had (created) such drama in my life over stupid stuff.

All this because of a seed of selfish indignation that I allowed to grow into a huge rotting tree of bitterness!

When I got separated (ultimately divorced) I felt so angry/hurt that my parents and family didn't support me or love me through it the way that I needed them to (but how could they know how I needed them to without me telling them? How could I tell them when even I didn't know!? In hindsight I see that God needed me to feel that loneliness and emptiness so that He could bring me to a place where I relied only on Him)... However, I held onto that bitterness for over a year - it tore at and through me - but I gave it to God on January 2nd, 2010 at the Journey church (http://www.takeajourney.org/) service where Pastor Jimmy and Pastor Paul lead us through the process of praising and thanking God for all He has done in our lives and then asking Him to reveal what was holding us back from Him. That was the most incredible service I've ever been to (and I came in there with a chip on my shoulder- don't remember why...but I remember thinking that there was no way that God was going to "speak" to me that day. Little did I know that it would be the beginning of what has been the most thorough and fulfilling conversations with God (which still continues today (25 days later!). Did I already blog about this? I can't remember. If I'm repeating myself, I'm sorry! :) It's just that I experienced God's presence more than ever before! I cried the way I cried (SOBBED) when I was 4 - my face felt like it was going to explode! My head was was swollen with hot tears and slobbery, never-ending snot (gross, I know) - but it was so incredible to experience God's comfort!!...I was wrapped up in Him and I felt safe enough to just let it all out...

...Apparently I took it back. (I'm getting back to my story now)...

This morning I wrote an email to my mom in which I TRIED to be diplomatic. I TRIED to see things from her point of view...but I know that what came out of me was chock-full of the uglies!

What was so interesting, is that while I was writing it, I KNOW that God was with me- He was "convicting" me (I don't love that word- it feels a little "religious" for me- but I digress). Anyway- God took that time to speak with me ... with each letter that I typed out, God moved closer to me to show me that what I was writing was wrong. By the time I had finished, I was in tears- not tears of anger and bitterness (which burned my throat as I BEGAN the email)- rather, they were hot tears of Jesus' love and forgiveness urging me to "let it go".

I let it go. I didn't re-read what I wrote, but rather I changed the To: field to read my own email address instead of my mothers and hit send... I got it out. I sent it to myself so that if I need a reminder someday (hopefully I won't) ... [pause] ... WOW. Even as I write this, I see myself making excuses for why I didn't just delete it altogether. I shouldn't save it. There is no need. God has washed me clean. It's over. Wow. [pause]  Aaaaanyway, let me finish this up - I DID end up writing an email to my mother, it was a short email that was to the point telling her that I would do as she asked - immediately - and that I love her. 'Nough said.

God is so CRAZYAMAZINGLIFECHANGINGGOOD!!!!

[exhale]