Believing

Horrible admission:
I don’t believe in Jesus.

Ok- that’s not entirely true. I DO believe in him (beware: I’ve been called the queen of contradictions – I’ll contradict myself 2 or 3 times in ONE sentence – it’s usually due to a mix of comedic intent and honest questioning of myself). I DO believe. I just struggle with it. What’s so interesting is that I’m “fully-in” when it comes to belief and knowing deep in my heart that God is God and that the Spirit is living in me and guiding me….but for some reason- the one “leg of the trinity” that I struggle with is the HUMAN leg! This is the one-of-three who actually walked on this earth….the one of which there is proof of His miraculous existence. Doesn’t make much sense that THIS is the one I would question, aye? I think it is because I have EXPERIENCED God and the Spirit but I didn’t personally experience Jesus. Not yet. I am praying for this though. Last night I read in John 6:44 “For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me, and at the last day I will raise them up.” I want the Father to draw ME to Jesus too!!! Heck, He has drawn me to everyone else that matters (God/Spirit), right?

I’ve ALWAYS had a hard time with the “Jesus thing” (that’s what I’ve said for the past 5 or 6 years – I wonder if it’s sacrilegious to say that? Angh…it’s honest. [pause] It’s disrespectful. That’s what it is. I think I won’t say that anymore.) Anyway- I am just earnestly praying for God to change my heart and give me peace and understanding about His Son. I think once this final piece is in place, that nothing can stop me in my faith. :)

In the past this (Jesus) has been the period of my seeking when I get tripped up BIG TIME. I have a hard time because when I start seeking and questioning and trying to figure everything out (from an intellectual standpoint), I end up inviting Satan in to my life – he just takes my little question and stretches it into a gaping hole in my faith. I am scared of that happening. I’ve tried some different tactics to battle this questioning… I’ve tried asking other people about it (some of whom are helpful, some of whom scoff at me, some of whom question my salvation, some of whom say exactly what I want to hear)…but for some reason, no matter what I hear, I still have questions/doubts.

It doesn’t stop there- this has been plaguing me a long time! I have also tried: ignoring my questions in the hopes that they would go away. I’ve prayed for “holy brainwashing”. I’ve even tried indulging my “lack of faith” to find an identity as an agnostic (or something)… but that doesn’t work either! Why doesn’t it work? I guess it’s because I belong to God and He won’t let me go. This is true love!!

Recently I thought that I would just take the bull by the horns and – then- ignore it! I decided it would be best to not admit my questions (this way I get a double whammy benefit!! - people won’t question my faith, and in turn I won’t question it - then it’ll be smooth sailing into the blissful land of the spiritually blind- aye?!). Ummm yeahhhhhh- Not so much. It’s not working (God WANTS me to know Him completely) so now I’m going to try a different tactic- the truth tactic. I’m going to be genuine and honest with myself and the Lord and just put it in His hands. Methinks this might work. [“Methinks” is a weird word. I feel like cookie monster when I say it. I wonder if it is grammatically correct there? Let me check… YEP.] Ok… so this is where I go from here… to God:

[Lord, Father, Mighty of Mighties, He who can do all things, PLEASE fill the holes in my faith with your son, Jesus the Christ. I want to be whole and full and complete in You. I don’t want to question anymore. You have done so many miracles in my life. You are THE presence in my life- you are my Love- please help me to know you – ALL OF YOU completely. Completely. Complete me, Lord.]