I'm a mess - But God

I'm a horrrrrrrrrrrrrible mess right now. I'm distracted and distractable. I'm unfocused and disobedient. I'm succumbing to the dark side (making compromises in the attempt to control my sin nature (CONTROL IT!!!) instead of REPENT and REJECT it!).... Last night I ate desserts for dinner and a pizza at 1am!

I wish I could describe the feeling of being completely cut in half.... because that's what I feel like.... there is a battle for my heart and mind and I am in the MIDST of it. God has told me over and over this week that HE has OVERCOME the world (John 16:33)!!! and just REST (Hebrews 4:10-11)..... and be OBEDIENT (1 Peter 1:14). TRUST in Him (Isaiah 26:3-4)... have FAITH (Hebrews 11:33)!

He wants me to come back before it is too late (Hebrews 6:4-8)

I am SO thankful for the friends that God has surrounded me with- people who love me and build me up. Just the right people at just the right time. One of those people, my dear dear friend Ashley, was used by the Lord to speak truth to me last night in the spirit of Hebrews 3:13.  <-- *Can you tell that I've been reading Hebrews? God told me to read Hebrews a good 3 days ago (maybe 2), but I hadn't done it. I wanted to read what I wanted to read (because I'm sooooooo close to having read through the whole Bible, I wanted to sprint to the finish (but God had other plans! :))

Anyway, I wanted to share a snippet from an email that Ashley sent me in response to the picture of the pizza that I sent her at 1am last night. Here.... here's the disgusting thing.... (I'm all about transparency... LOOK AT MY MESS!!!!!)

Here's Ashley's response (edited to only keep in the stuff about me- I DO respect her privacy a little (obviously not a LOT because I'm posting her email on my blog without her permission!: :)):

"Wow, that is a very large pizza.  Please tell me that you didn't consume the whole thing early this morning.  I will keep praying that you believe truly that God has already broken your addiction with food.  He has taken those chains and thrown them away.  You have put them back on. 

Don't worry, all things well be revealed soon.  God has a narrow path for you that is going to be difficult but worth every step.  That is what He has been preparing you for these past few months.  Satan has had to up his attacks because your life is that valuable.  He wants to derail you and God wants you to submit to whatever He has planned. 

There are great challenges ahead but each one of us will come through because Christ has already won.  These battles are a distraction, but our story has already been written and our paths chosen for us.  We just have to have faith and step out with a Yes for Him. 

Anyway, live in this moment and don't worry about the things of tomorrow.  If you do, then you are allowing the enemy to steal the beauty of what God has placed before you in this breathe.

I love you, My Sister in Christ!  You are beautiful!
Ashley "

Was that not the best letter EVERRRRRRRR???? I'm so blessed!
Okay... gotta get rolling.
God is SOOOO good!!!! :) :) He loves me so much, EVEN (especially?) in my mess!!!

Reminder from God

RESPOND, don't REACT.

I must not get sucked back into a place where I am living a life of reaction (to circumstances or people), but rather, I must be living a life of RESPONSE to the HOLY SPIRIT's movement.

Application = My focus, time and attention need to be SOLEY on God (by staying in the Word and in prayer) and then HE will show me what to do/ what to say/ where to go/ etc. 

Be intentional.
Respond, don't react.

<3

So much to do

There's soooo much to do. WHY am I BLOGGING?

Carissa, go READ your BIBLE. Go PRAY for all the people God has put in your life to lift up. Go clean and organize your home. Go nourish your soul with some resources that will help you grow in your knowledge of the Lord!!!

WHY ARE YOU BLOGGING??

Procrastination.
Avoidance.
Satan.
Ick.

By the way, please remember these verses that God is speaking to you (me) about today:

1 Peter 3:4 Clothe yourself instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

Matthew 10:29-31 What is the price of two sparrows- one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Be OBEDIENT in EVERY LITTLE thing, Carissa. Please traipse down the trail of YESes. Please. Please. Please. Don't ever say "no" or "not yet".... this life exists FOR God and BY God and my every breath is for HIS GLORY. If that is true, I need to LIVE like it's true. I can't just say it.

Where am I being disobedient?
BLATANTELY disobedient?
Food.
Fasting.

God TOLD me to FAST. He is in the process of changing me from the inside out and He's [finally] getting to the "out"...the outside.... and now I'm getting in the way!!!! ARGH!!!! I'm SO DUMB!!!

It's been a good month since He told me what to do and instead of doing EXACTLY what He TOLD me to do (and what He has prepared me to do), I have been doing my OWN THING.... trying to "modify it" for MY "comfort".... trying to control it.

ick. CONTROL.

I think I know better than God.
WHAT IS WRONNNNG WITH ME????

SURRENDER the throne, Queen Carissa!! Surrender the throne! Please. With LOVE, and REVERANCE, give it ALL to HIM!!! He's GOT IT.  :)

Thanks.
Okay.
I'm gonna go do something productive now.

Love you. (me) You.

<3

I didn't mean it!

So this week I did what I have now realized was an absolutely HORRIBLE thing- I asked God to break me. I was driving and praying and feeling close to Him when I realized that I hadn't felt so close to Him in a long time.... then I got greedy and wanted moooooooore! :) :) So I prayed a prayer asking for brokenness...asking Him to free me of anything that was taking my focus and my heart off of His will and purpose for my life.

So far, our FAITHFUL LORD has provided! Here's a list of some of the things that I have "dealt with" in the past 5 days:

1. Idols/ Perceived Control: I smashed my car into a curb and busted my tire and broke more of the front of it (meh).  But that day God forced me to be still and read the Bible and pray for about two hours while I was waiting for my friend to come and "rescue" me. (Bonus blessing! - It also provided the opportunity for my friend and I to catch up and have a GREAT conversation - none of which would have happened if I hadn't crashed.)

2. Relationships/ Selfishness: I was harboring resentment at my roommate. It was destructive and hurting us both. It ate at me until God forced me to look at it and then He told me EXACTLY how to deal with it. He continues to remind me of Matthew 7:3.

3. Finances/ Self-Sufficiency: I have been sheltered from financial worries for the past few months (I haven't earned a paycheck since May), but I trusted WHOLEHEARTEDLY that the LORD would provide. I said "trustED" because in the past week or two, I started worrying about it. My parents graciously gave me birthday money and I wanted to buy something for myself with it but I have unpaid bills so I paid them with it and then I started pouting (internally). I started thinking that I needed stupid things that I DON'T need. (I need NOTHING. I have MORE THAN I need!!!) So anyway- a few days ago I found myself opening a pile of unopened bills and when I did, I started crying. I felt overwhelmed and out of control and I HATED IT.  BUT GOD. But God held me close in that moment and told me that HE has it all under control. He said to give it to HIM. To TRUST HIM.

Last night's life group study was on FAITH. "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." - Jesus (Mark 5:36)

4. Miracle/ Realities of the Spirit Realm: I saw a pseudo exorcism. Okay... ah hem...that's a biiiiiiiiit much (exorcism!)...it was actually the breaking of bondage through fervent and powerful group prayer and it rocked my world (not to mention the girl's world who was FREED!) WOW! I guess that wasn't really a part of MY breaking- it was a part of my friend's breaking.... but it was AWESOME to witness such a miracle. A healing. It was a testament of God's POWER against the forces of the spiritual realm.

5. Pride/ Control/ Self-Image/ Idols/ Self-Sufficiency: I lost four hours worth of work in an instant. (I stupidly closed a spreadsheet without saving it.) This is the most recent thing (it happened a little over an hour ago) and I was soooooooo upset!! I had to, at that time, also pack up my stuff and come home to finish work, so on the drive home God got a hold of my bitter and prideful heart and He showed me how I wasn't as important as I think I am and that my work is DEFINITELY NOT as important as I think it is.

In the past few days I have been marveling at how inept I feel with my work. I know this is prideful- but I really USED TO BE sooooooo good at whatever I put my mind to. I was a project manager and I was a whiz with data analysis and process mapping and innovative ideation, etc. and now I can't even make a spreadsheet LOOK pretty, let alone make it function professionally.

God is showing me that my gifts and talents are to be used for HIS GLORY in HIS TIME. "The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" (Job 1:21)

This morning I loved Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness."

Anyway, God is dealing with me. I prayed for brokenness and He is graciously answering my prayer. Though I don't like it, I LOVE IT! I NEED IT! I am a MESS. 

I realize that I am selfish, and self-sufficient, and self-important. I am building up my own little kingdom where I sit on my own little throne. I'm SICK and LOST. and I NEED a SAVIOR!!

Thank the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY that Jesus came and died on the cross for my sins! He has SAVED ME! He has given me His Spirit- the spirit of TRUTH which convicts, teaches, and comforts me. HOW BLESSED am I?? How DARE I get all high and mighty on myself??? I think that I am something... I think that anything that I DO is ANYTHING!? It's NOTHING. The only thing that is anything is GOD.

The only thing that is anything is GOD.

I am GLAD that my work was lost. There is NOTHING that I can do on MY power that will make me any better or worse. God wants me to rely on HIM ALONE. I cannot be "good" at a job. I cannot be "successful" or "impressive"....I can only be HIS.

How blessed am I that the God of the UNIVERSE lives INSIDE me??!!! Whaaaaat?

He teaches me everyday! THANK YOU LORD for teaching me (over and over and over again) that YOU are KING and I exist only for YOUR GLORY. Not Paul's glory. Not Journey's glory. YOUR glory.

God, I hear you. You want me to spend more time with YOU. Less time on tasks and more time with you. It's NOT about being seen or known or appreciated - it's only about serving YOU wholeheartedly ALL the TIME.

Yes, it's about saying YES.... to YOU!!!!

Yes. I will spend more time with you.
Yes. I will trust you.
Yes. I will follow you.
Yes. I will wait.
Yes. I will do whatever you tell me to do.
Yes. I will pray for brokenness if it's what you require. I want to be broken of me. I want my will and plans and dreams and expectations to be REMOVED- swept away - and replaced with the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me. I want to be ALL of YOU and NONE of ME.

Help me Lord.
I need you, Lord.

Ice Cream Repentance

"So pay attention to how you hear. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what they think they understand will be taken away from them. " ~ Jesus

For realz.

That's from Luke 8:18, by the way. And God showed it to me today... REMINDING ME to LISTEN....and to pay attention to how I hear. I need to hear with my whole heart. I need to hear in the Spirit and in Truth. I need to hear > listen > respond.

hear > listen > respond

hear > listen > respond I say as I swallow a mouthful of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. God said that food - sugar - separates me from Him. He says that it consumes me. He says that it HURTS ME and my relationship with Him (the ONLY relationship that matters) yet I am stiiiiiillllll pushing my luck- I am doing it as a means of torture to myself- hurting myself- eating garbage until I hurt. I am sick. I can't control it and, Carissa, that's the point. YOU can't control it!!! ONLY GOD can. GIVE IT TO HIM!! Give it to Him again. Yes. Surrender AGAIN. Do it now.

Wow. God is talking to me and I am preparing to ignore Him. I still want to take another bite. It's OBVIOUS to me that HE is with me RIGHT NOW telling me not to take another bite. To trust Him. To REPENT and TURN from my sin (Remember it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. James 4:17).

Okay. I turned.

Whoa. "You choose to obey or you choose to disobey." <--I just tuned into my roommate reading to her 3 year old daughter and teaching her this. Perfect timing. God is awesome.

I CHOOSE TO OBEY!!!
I choose to repent. (Acts 3:19)
I choose to turn from my sin and turn toward JESUS- the author and perfecter of my faith! (Heb 12:2)
I choose to ward off temptation through PRAYER! (Luke 22:46, Eph 6:18)
I choose to LISTEN. (Luke 8:18)

I do not want my understanding to be taken from me. Understanding is life. I must be able to know, hear, understand, communicate through the WORD of the LORD. AHHHHHH!!!

WHY am I so DAFT??? All we like sheep have gone astray!! (Isaiah 53:6)  UGH!!!

By the way, I know that I was just talking about this two days ago, but I went away for the weekend for my mom's 60th birthday party and while I was there I saw Nehemiah 8:10 which I used to excuse myself for gluttony. Nehemiah 8:10 says ..."Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks..."  - So I did it. And I was wrong. Satan used scripture to twist me up (again)- I see that He tries to do that often (Matt 4:6)) - and I fell for it! UGH! The rest of Nehemiah 8:10 (which I see only NOW because I'm looking at it again) talks about sharing with people who don't have anything prepared and not to feel dejected and sad etc....)....anyway... it was NOT saying "Carissa, please willfully sin and do as you please for a few days... PLEASE jump off the cliff of sin for a few days...no problem Carissa... you do as you please...."... UGH UGH UGH!

Father, please protect me from myself. Lord, you are SO FAITHFUL and WONDERFUL and LOVING! You gave me an AMAZING weekend away! You filled my heart with awestruck wonder at Your Creation and the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the miracle of life and relationships and people. Thank you for walks in the woods. Thank you for mountains and vibrantly colored autumn leaves! Thank you for the most expansive and mind-blowing night sky and for sharing it with ME. Oh, God, I'm sorry that I make everything about me. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish. I'm sorry that I feel entitled to...everything. I'm sorry I'm so wasteful with your stuff. I'm sorry that I sinned. Lord, I sinned BADLY. I thank you for graciously pulling me back. YOU have GRACE. You ARE GRACE. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the lashings you took for ME. I am sorry - there are no words (or earthy emotion) that can comprehend what you did for me and I'm sorry that this weekend I spit in your face. I sinned willfully and took You and what you did for me for granted. But you are so FAITHFUL. You are still here by my side LOVING ME. Teaching me. Guiding me into truth. You have me in the Bible and in prayer and you've taken the ice cream from my hands and you hold me now. Thank you for always holding me. Lord I am undeserving and too numb (and human) to be sufficiently grateful. Teach me to be grateful. Teach me not to take you for granted. Teach me not to be selfish. Break me of my pride and self-sufficiency and sin. I want to be lost in You forever and ever. Amen.

<3

Compromises

It's the small compromises that drag you away and lead you into sin.

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away... it's a slow fade, when black and white have turned to gray. - Casting Crowns



Casting Crowns - Slow Fade (official video) from Casting Crowns on Vimeo.



For example:
God showed me that my obsession with sugar was separating me from Him. (It consumed me and took my focus off Him and put it on things of this earth- namely- food. Consumed with consumption.) So I decided that I wasn't going to eat sugar (this is per the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE! So I better be obedient!) and I've done good so far, I guess. But I've NOT done great...I've not been FAITHFUL.

I started off well....reading all the labels of everything I ate... and if it had the slightest trace of sugar, I said "NO WAY! I'm steering clear of that!!" But one day I was at someone's house and I didn't want to be rude, so I didn't ask what was in the food....and then I ate a piece of bread. We all know that bread...white, processed, fancy fabulous bread MUST have SUGAR in it!! Sooooo.... since I had done it once, and since God didn't send down fire from heaven to burn me up (ha!) ... I started eating bread regularly.... and then before I knew it I was eating mondo amounts of Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches and perusing the ice cream aisle at Walmart! UGH!!!

For the record, I still haven't eaten any deserts or anything really sugary (by the GRACE of GOD who LOVES me and HOLDS me).... but I DID eat a bag of frozen corn with some sauce on it that had sugar as an ingredient and I KNEW it and I SHOULDN'T have eaten it, but I DID. I also have been eating whatever else people cook for me (pretending to myself that I wasn't thinking through the fact that there is probably sugar in all the ingredients (i.e. salad dressing on a salad)). I'm sooooo TWISTED!

Anyway- I confess. I'm calling myself out. And I'm going to rely on the Holy Spirit to keep working in me to conform me into Christ's image... to make me into someone who God can be proud to call His child. 

Carissa,
WHAT could possibly be more important than being 100% OBEDIENT to the CREATOR, SUSTAINER, PROVIDER, SOURCE of all things? He created me. I must obey!

"If your hand- even your stronger hand - causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." - Jesus (Matthew 5:30)

Love the names of God

Here are a few.

El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
El Elyon (The Most High God)
Adonai (Lord, Master)
Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
El Olam (The Everlasting God)
Elohim (God)
Qanna (Jealous)
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)

You reign, I rest

Lord God, create in me a clean heart. Help me to rest in You - Your yoke is easy. I pray for childlike faith and perfect peace. I surrender my will to You, El Olam. Amen.  

Psalm 51:10  Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
Isaiah 30:15  Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.
Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.  
Luke 18:17  I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! 


Ringing in my ears and heart: 
lyrics from Starfield's Reign In Us:

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and puify our lives
we need your perfect love we need your discipline
we're lost unless you guide us with your light

So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and set us out
so the world may know you reign you reign in us

<3