So this week I did what I have now realized was an absolutely HORRIBLE thing- I asked God to break me. I was driving and praying and feeling close to Him when I realized that I hadn't felt so close to Him in a long time.... then I got greedy and wanted moooooooore! :) :) So I prayed a prayer asking for brokenness...asking Him to free me of anything that was taking my focus and my heart off of His will and purpose for my life.
So far, our FAITHFUL LORD has provided! Here's a list of some of the things that I have "dealt with" in the past 5 days:
1. Idols/ Perceived Control: I smashed my car into a curb and busted my tire and broke more of the front of it (meh). But that day God forced me to be still and read the Bible and pray for about two hours while I was waiting for my friend to come and "rescue" me. (Bonus blessing! - It also provided the opportunity for my friend and I to catch up and have a GREAT conversation - none of which would have happened if I hadn't crashed.)
2. Relationships/ Selfishness: I was harboring resentment at my roommate. It was destructive and hurting us both. It ate at me until God forced me to look at it and then He told me EXACTLY how to deal with it. He continues to remind me of Matthew 7:3.
3. Finances/ Self-Sufficiency: I have been sheltered from financial worries for the past few months (I haven't earned a paycheck since May), but I trusted WHOLEHEARTEDLY that the LORD would provide. I said "trustED" because in the past week or two, I started worrying about it. My parents graciously gave me birthday money and I wanted to buy something for myself with it but I have unpaid bills so I paid them with it and then I started pouting (internally). I started thinking that I needed stupid things that I DON'T need. (I need NOTHING. I have MORE THAN I need!!!) So anyway- a few days ago I found myself opening a pile of unopened bills and when I did, I started crying. I felt overwhelmed and out of control and I HATED IT. BUT GOD. But God held me close in that moment and told me that HE has it all under control. He said to give it to HIM. To TRUST HIM.
Last night's life group study was on FAITH. "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." - Jesus (Mark 5:36)
4. Miracle/ Realities of the Spirit Realm: I saw a pseudo exorcism. Okay... ah hem...that's a biiiiiiiiit much (exorcism!)...it was actually the breaking of bondage through fervent and powerful group prayer and it rocked my world (not to mention the girl's world who was FREED!) WOW! I guess that wasn't really a part of MY breaking- it was a part of my friend's breaking.... but it was AWESOME to witness such a miracle. A healing. It was a testament of God's POWER against the forces of the spiritual realm.
5. Pride/ Control/ Self-Image/ Idols/ Self-Sufficiency: I lost four hours worth of work in an instant. (I stupidly closed a spreadsheet without saving it.) This is the most recent thing (it happened a little over an hour ago) and I was soooooooo upset!! I had to, at that time, also pack up my stuff and come home to finish work, so on the drive home God got a hold of my bitter and prideful heart and He showed me how I wasn't as important as I think I am and that my work is DEFINITELY NOT as important as I think it is.
In the past few days I have been marveling at how inept I feel with my work. I know this is prideful- but I really USED TO BE sooooooo good at whatever I put my mind to. I was a project manager and I was a whiz with data analysis and process mapping and innovative ideation, etc. and now I can't even make a spreadsheet LOOK pretty, let alone make it function professionally.
God is showing me that my gifts and talents are to be used for HIS GLORY in HIS TIME. "The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" (Job 1:21)
This morning I loved Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness."
Anyway, God is dealing with me. I prayed for brokenness and He is graciously answering my prayer. Though I don't like it, I LOVE IT! I NEED IT! I am a MESS.
I realize that I am selfish, and self-sufficient, and self-important. I am building up my own little kingdom where I sit on my own little throne. I'm SICK and LOST. and I NEED a SAVIOR!!
Thank the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY that Jesus came and died on the cross for my sins! He has SAVED ME! He has given me His Spirit- the spirit of TRUTH which convicts, teaches, and comforts me. HOW BLESSED am I?? How DARE I get all high and mighty on myself??? I think that I am something... I think that anything that I DO is ANYTHING!? It's NOTHING. The only thing that is anything is GOD.
The only thing that is anything is GOD.
I am GLAD that my work was lost. There is NOTHING that I can do on MY power that will make me any better or worse. God wants me to rely on HIM ALONE. I cannot be "good" at a job. I cannot be "successful" or "impressive"....I can only be HIS.
How blessed am I that the God of the UNIVERSE lives INSIDE me??!!! Whaaaaat?
He teaches me everyday! THANK YOU LORD for teaching me (over and over and over again) that YOU are KING and I exist only for YOUR GLORY. Not Paul's glory. Not Journey's glory. YOUR glory.
God, I hear you. You want me to spend more time with YOU. Less time on tasks and more time with you. It's NOT about being seen or known or appreciated - it's only about serving YOU wholeheartedly ALL the TIME.
Yes, it's about saying YES.... to YOU!!!!
Yes. I will spend more time with you.
Yes. I will trust you.
Yes. I will follow you.
Yes. I will wait.
Yes. I will do whatever you tell me to do.
Yes. I will pray for brokenness if it's what you require. I want to be broken of me. I want my will and plans and dreams and expectations to be REMOVED- swept away - and replaced with the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me. I want to be ALL of YOU and NONE of ME.
Help me Lord.
I need you, Lord.
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