I once was found, but now I'm lost

I said that in a prayer today and really loved it...

"I once was FOUND, but NOW I'm LOST."

On another - less serious/strenuous note:
Davin recommended a great movie which I watched as much as I could (I only have 2GB of data on my mobile hot spot, so I could only watch like 70%), but it was GREAT!!  "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" - it was mostly about juice fasting, so it was a bit nostalgic for me.

I loved my 40 day juice fast. I remember how GREAT I felt (weak, but I wasn't drinking enough), and after that movie, I am tempted to do it again!  However, I'm kinda afraid that it was the juice fast that caused this whole thing I've done to my body....my hair falling out, lost my MIND, etc. 

:(

Really, it's probably the fact that I went back to eating JUNK that my body is not happy... I remember feeling SO gooooood....and looking good....and being at peace.... even DAD complimented me!!

NOW I'm a hot mess.

I have been trying to figure out what to repent of... Alicia said "just repent"... but OF WHAT!

I realized that on either end of the "spiritual advisor" spectrum (in my world), I've got people who let me down. I've [re]become one of those people who have been "hurt" by the "church"... "clergy"...blahblahblah. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??? By ME giving them too much "power"... too much "say".... THAT'S the problem!! However, let me document this for memory's sake:

• [Spirit-led] Jimmy said I should get on psych meds (for a spiritual "problem") = NOT OKAY.  (To be fair, my "spiritual problem" which was a desire to follow the Bible word-for-word DID ultimately lead me to join a cult.)
• Lori [of the Mysteries and Secrets] said that I didn't have the Holy Spirit in me and that my conversion/regeneration was probably just GAS and I was confused.

Nice. Both of them... nice. (not)

I think God is just teaching me that MAN can't be relied upon. They will always let you down. I must rely on / look to GOD alone.

Sayre - my favorite of favorites - has even let me down. I've been asking her to call me since she was in Africa (and today I called her crying, and I begged her via g-chat and email to call me) and she hasn't.  Total let down.

But God.
Lean not on my own understanding.
Trust Him.
It's not about me.
"Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt though serve" - Matt 4:10b

I have been reaching out to some people (left VM for Beverly) and talked to Alicia and to Le'Anna and sent email to Steve... and I am close to wanting to call Scott Schuler... but I see what I'm doing here... I'm trying to go to MAN. I'm scared. And instead of letting God protect me, I'm trying to sabotage what He is trying to teach me. I want man to coddle me and fix me up.... but I can't do that... I need to want God to do it....and I, Carissa, need to follow God's advice "BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK" (1 Chron 28:10).

I need to make good choices with eating (on my own)
I need to make good choices with exercise (on my own)
I need to make good choices with pride and bragging and self-righteousness (on my own)
BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK!!

Note: "on my own" means without HUMANS being my source of "approval", but instead having GOD as my SOURCE (of everything). I am incapable of turning my sinful flesh into anything useful for the Kingdom without the power of God through the Holy Spirit- so I must call on Him. HE is where my help comes from!!!

Pray.

I have serious trust issues.
I also have serious selfishness issues.
And serious laziness issues.
And serious pride issues.
And serious rebellion issues.... and control issues... and probably many more, but I just broke my pattern of hitting the enter button after an admission of issues and have now broken the spell. darn.

xo