Shame's On Me

Message to Melanie:

"I just came here because I HAD to share this craziness... this morning I had such a tangle of emotions and I told Michael I wanted to punch something so he put his hand out for me to punch. I said I didn't want to punch it and instead I kissed his palm and put his hand on my face and I just stood there with his hand on my face and said I was so filled to the brim with shame. Riddled with it. (Nothing in particular, but it just came up as this overwhelming emotion... and I guess the wanting to punch something and emotional snarl is related to that... wanting to lash out or do something to get this feeling off me!!)

Aaaaaanyway, LOOK at what just came up as my glossary pick (AHHHH!!): https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Spirit_of_Shame "

"Shame on you"... such powerful words. I've carried such shame for so long... it causes me to lash out... I know when I used to fight with my husbands I would feel such shame and guilt for my emotions and behavior that it would cause me to behave WORSE... shame > behave WORSE > BLOW UP, THEN we could let it dissipate. It's so related to my pain body and unprocessed childhood (and/or previous life or ancestral) trauma. 

I still haven't read that article yet... hang on... let me read it. Thank you God!!!

YES:
Fear Bondage Loops
Walls of Separation

I remember digging into a potential past memory in the last year where I was a native American woman and had done something so bad (fallen in love with a white man or been deceived and gave away my/our power and access to our tribes) and everyone was murdered... my mistake had killed everyone. Whether that was real or a parable spirit gave me to understand that compartment of myself, this Spirit of Shame is definitely involved. 

YES:

Practice self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and remaining Neutral.

Wow. Thanks be to God!

Hero-Savior Complex

 This thread is killing me (in a good way, I presume)

esfoundations.com/index.php/forum/identi...essiah-complex#16818

I definitely have the “hero-savior/messiah complex”. I have delusions of grandeur. I think that I can save people. I think that I know better than them. I realize saying this here is not good for my prospects of making friends, but I have to be honest. I’m learning so much here and I’m always the freaking bad guy! (Well, I guess I need to just move this out… this is part of negative ego. Observe it and allow it to dissolve. This is all part of it. Ack!)

This is here to heal. Thanks be to God. The other day I got a message from my landlord. (We live in a horse ranch community and I’ve been here the second-longest at almost 6 years.) She said that four people here had said I was bossy. This hurt deeply because I have tried so so so so hard to be over-the-top helpful with everyone… we make them a treat when they move in (“welcome to the neighborhood!”), we help them to move their furniture if they don’t have help, we offer them resources and tips, and make ourselves available completely. I get them connected to the group social page where you can ask for a cup of sugar or sound an alert if a horse is loose. We also go above and beyond to fix broken boards, and trim trees, and arrange hay, and we donate lots of things to help others…blah blah blah. You can see the EFFORTING in this… which I deceptively believed came from a kind heart. But no. This is messy. It comes from hero-savior… I want to be known as “kind Carissa (or whatever)” and seen in that light. I think it gives me some sort of authority and there is a power play in it. “I’m better than you are. I’m better than everyone else. Who else is doing all these things? You wouldn’t be set up so well with out me, blah blah blah”. You see? UGH!!!!

I heard a quote that said “help is the sunny side of control” and that’s stuck with me. That’s what I’m doing. I’m trying to control people, situations, places, animals, etc….

It’s really hard to deal with the animal piece of this for me though. I see people neglecting their animals and I have stepped up in many ways (from taking action (like filling the water for them), to buying food and supplies, etc.). Our landlord said that I should just let her know and she’ll take care of it, but a couple weeks ago when someone’s chickens were literally starving. I tried so hard to be the compassionate witness for like 2 or 3 days but it was too hard so I said something. And the landlord said there was nothing she could do because you can’t critique people on how they take care of their animals. So I went out and bought food and a treat block for the owners to give to them. This probably offended the owners and the fall-out effected some sweet starved goats. (They were not being cared for so we’ve given them hay for the last 8 months but now we needed to buy another large round bale and asked for a place to store it and the owner basically said “they’re fine, they don’t need hay until the winter” (which isn’t true - goats need a little hay every day). They are very poor and we’ve donated to them for years in different ways, but I DID get pushy this time. I’m sorry to dump all this here, this is just my real-life mess. So again, hero-savior, and victim-victimizer (I am both - victimizing the “bad people that don’t take care of their animals” and a victim because they don’t listen to me.)… among my control dramas driven by fear!

One of my main core fears that I’m forever working on is “fear of what people think of me” so it’s all tied in to this and being called “bossy” is a real nightmare in that respect. I also have the whole “spiritual” thing going on… especially people who have been here for a while see me meditating around the property, and I try to communicate with love and set intentions for healing. This year I’ve been walking my dogs barefoot and just gotten a little “woo-woo” which I embrace because I AM woo-woo, ha! But this plays into it too… it’s a negative ego construct somehow but I need to dig deeper. It may just be laziness and not caring, but it may be part of a 3D persona that I’ve built. So I’ll watch.

Well, here I am doing the work, trying to dismantle these layers and games, and personas, and it hurts like heck. I want to give up - especially lately. I get discouraged. But I continue. Source…God… has been amazing, helping me. Even in this painful dismantling… I AM LOVED.

Note: This past Tuesday was the spontaneous-go-to-Washington day!!! What a wild experience!!! I felt spirit tingles take me away and while there I had classic headaches and dizziness, etc., energy moving through (or in, trying to move through). I’ve been hoping to move away from here and I’m wondering if this is movement in that direction. Washington is almost the exact opposite side of the country from me (I’m in North Carolina), but it was the most beautiful place I’ve ever been… there were mountains, rivers, ocean/sound, rolling hills/farms, cliffs, all in a few mile radius… incredible!! So, we’ll see. It will take a miracle. And maybe I need to wait. I am ready to have our own boundaries… our own safe space where we can plant fruit trees and invest in the property. Here I have felt like an energetic steward and do feel like I’ve been part of healing this place (or is this my hero-savior complex?! Maybe both.)… but it really is exhausting. To move out there would be another “rent” situation… but maybe that’s right for us now? It will all unfold as it should. (Believe that and rest in it.)

Note 2: I really am committing to doing the work with Michael… my husband… working through the mire. THIS is where my affection and attention and “help” should go. It always goes to OTHERS instead of my partner…. But I’m ready to heal that and heal us and heal me and … yeah. Just wanted to mention that too.

________

The above post was born out of a WhatsApp talk to/with Melanie and then after that I went to the forums and read the one referenced above about Hero-Savior. So it's all Divine Right Timing... but I'm going to try to post the audio from my process with Melanie here too:
Nope... can't add it. I'll put it in my email, search for "Hero-Savior Process Work" or something...

Solar Feminine Melchezidek

 This is about me:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Genetic_Equals_and_Solar_Feminine_Melchizedeks

Look further into "Resurrecting Albion"

I'm pretty sure I could (and maybe one day should) write a well-structured post and tie in the multitude of terms and revelations that I'm being given by my amazing guidance teams through this miraculous resource and container... but I didn't do that today. Today, again, another brain/field dump. Ha! Here we go....

I’m for sure possessed. From all the organic and inorganic reversals and false ascension matrix… and also just from choosing the wrong behaviors… instead of surrendering to more dismantling, instead of trusting that everyone has to go through their own process, I took up my cape and decided to BE GOD (and not in the way of truth, but in a reversal way… in my flesh…. in ego.) Control, manipulation, gaslighting, energy vampirism, all in the name of “trying to save” someone and make their life better (as I saw it).

I have known for a long time that I am the devil. That when they talk of the devil in the bible, that that was me. I wasn’t sure how that worked because I am sure I wasn’t THE devil, but instead of the spirit of Christ, I was attached to the spirit of the devil…all the little ways that "he" is mentioned - a fallen angel, an accuser prowling around, being so stuck on himself that he thought he could BE GOD, one that challenges God. etc.... and then masquerading as an “angel of light”. Reminds me again of the "if the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness is!" and of course "And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.” - 2 Corinthians 11:14

What's really interesting was that in order to have those revelations, it was the LIGHT in me that was showing me. I guess it's my monad or future self that is my walk-in "the voice" that I called "God" in my head.... that is ME... GSF me that must include all of my stations of identity? Does it? All of them or those that are collected/collapsed at the time? What is time. Right. Nevermind. Anyway... it was LIGHT showing me that I was the devil, ha! No one ever liked it when I called that out and of course they didn't agree. People are always telling me "stop being so hard on yourself!!" Am I repeating myself here? I don't know. Anyway, I want to be HONEST and look at hard things, the trick is then following through with the action to rip those things out at the root. When I didn't, when I decided to hold on to just a piece of something, that's what went wrong in the long run. Because when I got weak, when I fell into the pit of ego and control yet again, all those roots grew their shoots and they all came up at the same time and strangled me in a tangle of fear. BUT GOD... I have been rescued again and again. Thanks be to God (and all the God-beings sent to save me....oh, shoot, there's the savior thing... but really, I have been.)

I really am in a pickle with all this darkness to transmute... but so grateful to God (real God) for not giving up on me… I read today about the Yahweh Collective (which I’ve still got a foot in the mud in) is located on Saturn. Is that why Saturn has been shining very very brightly on me? OH! No. That’s Jupiter I think. Saturn is less bright, but also has my attention every night for the past few months. Hmmm.

The other day I asked a Pleiadian “channel” who they were, if they were the avatar or higher self or future self of the channeler. They said they are a collective but related to the oversoul of the channel. So is that the guy's monad? Very interesting.

So many strange things here on earth to consider. And I’m a strange thing. So many doors (visible and invisible). I’m ready to have single soul occupancy though.

Yesterday I don’t know what happened but as soon as I woke up I was very seriously injured. Some muscle in my shoulder area that connected to my back, arm, and neck just suddenly was ripped or something horrible. I spent much of the day trying to tend to it (ice, heat, infrared, essential oils, tiger balm, rest, etc.)… but I also was trying to feel into the layer behind the physical pain and saw it had to do with my 7th Dimension and my divine feminine wing. It hurt like heck to lay down in the grass but I laid there for a while and cried and cried, and then last evening laid in bed and cried and cried and I knew that I was releasing density and doing 7D clearing and healing my beautiful wing. I did the seed fear meditation the day before and maybe this was a trickle down miracle. Hurt like hell. But also such a gift. I think in the past when I’ve had work done on my 6D/right shoulder area it’s been very painful and I have thought to myself “I sure am glad this isn’t on my left side because I’d think I was having a heart attack”, and so I think God and my medical assistance team were really kind to me by giving me muscle pain which I knew was from a muscle… same area (more on the back though), but it really helped me stay as centered as possible through it knowing it was muscular.

That’s all. I just wanted to see what was here. I’m super excited about the Ascension Call tonight - I’m really interested in the plasma - good plasma and bad plasma. (Okay, let’s not think of things in those terms “good/bad”… oh but they are supportive life-giving plasma that is part of our protection and God-force here on this plane, and death-plasma that is part of the NAA and destruction of all that should be whole in Christ.) I’ve been trying to support my God-plasma through the foods and supplements and meditations that I partake in, and I believe the death-plasma …the reversal plasma… the nephilm reversal program poo… is being replaced… I hope.

Resurrecting Albion.
Gah, that’s what I’m doing here, right? Those words just came to me and I see on the Albion page this:

"The Albion body has energy chakras and consciousness centers that make up entire sections of his body which represent principles recorded in the earth to expand solar consciousness and beyond. When the Albion body is asleep, it exists in states of unconsciousness and generates darkness, understood as the dead light of the Luciferian consciousness. To Awaken Albion is also to rehabilitate the unconsciousness of the Luciferian forces (Fallen Angelics) on earth, to the self-realized higher consciousness of the Krystic Self in the Diamond Sun DNA that recognizes it is one with all things.”

It’s freaking amazing and miraculous how God/Source/Guides just provide what we need all the time. I feel like the world/script is written for my journey… even today I was catching up on “the glossary term of the week” and it seems like they are perfectly synchronized with my journey and as I write that now, that sounds narcissistic - I am reminded often that “it’s not about me”, but I think it really IS about my God-self and surrendering into the fullness of all WE ARE. And there is so much support and compassion and forgiveness here… I am amazing that I’ve not been left for dead I on the proverbial spiritual side of the road. I have been on the edge so many times - totally riddled with fear, addiction, ego and a multitude of other demons, but look, here I am with another chance to follow God.

Whoooo. I can blather on… but I am grateful. And a mess. And honored. And GRATEFUL. (I know I said that twice, but I need to say it a zillion times.) How did I end up here? BY THE GRACE OF GOD.

  

[Some of] Today's Thoughts

I'm going to post my post from ES this morning here, but first I want to also share something God is teaching me about because in my Agni session this black goo (black plasma?) was coming up her spine (from/representing?) me. When I read Lisa's newsletter this month talking about this, I knew that's what that was and Source is providing more information for me. Unfortunately, my guides have to spoonfeed me because I'm so distracted and all over the place, but just now this... and the links to "Black Goo" and "Bucky Balls" are fascinating too, but for now, knowing that my black goo is the feces of the false ascension matrix is another nugget for the pouch. 

Artificial Christ Consciousness

Session Excerpt - I'm seeing it is very strange, it's two-sided. The side down here in 3D looks pretty it looks like a version of Christ consciousness, it is a web work and a grid work of artificial white light, the False Ascension Matrix. And it is definitely the false matrix for Soul capture, this is an Artificial Christ Consciousness is what it is. Oh, and it has Mind Control broadcasting from it. So whatever this thing is it is two-sided. You've been starting to see the other side of it, that's what you're calling the invisible. It's like you go past the Artificial Christ Consciousness mind matrix, and you see the other side of it. This is on people, all this is a waste product that is covering on people. This program grid, this Transposition Filter field, it's like it creates waste, feces. That's the only thing I can say, it's artificial software and it's this projection field and it transposes the energies coming in and it creates a awful waste. And that waste product accumulates, it looks like Miasma, but some of it feels like Black Goo and it's really grotesque on the other side. So those things you've started to see and started to clear from people, that apparently is that double-sided structure you have been feeling in their body, infiltrated with false light webbing. ^[6] Transcript by Paige.

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/False_Ascension_Matrix

____________

The other day(s) I listened to much of the psychic self defense and ascension class (3 for both), and got SO much guidance from it. I listened to the series earlier this year but now I'm going back and repaving my foundation - another layer - and it’s SO enriching. I am surrendering to the process of just chipping away at this slowly. I didn’t think that I’d be super-quick to get on board because the language is so different for me, but it’s a lot slower going than I hoped. I have a lot of personal damage to heal in my light body let alone the paradigm shift to connect to “what’s really going on here” in this crazy world! I was kind of “hurrying” before to “catch up”, but I am really sinking into the pleasure of the process now and wanting to allow it to wash over me and smooth me in divine right timing and order. All this to say, it’s okay to go back, it’s nourishing me and solidifying (still very unstable) structures.

_______

Is Lisa like Yeshua? Yes. <— said someone (one living in/with me) when I was typing that.

I dreamed about her - got to talk to her and Tomas and say some of the things I wanted to say. She kept her distance and mostly just observed but interjected some things but I could tell that she didn’t want to encourage me in my pursuit of HER too much.

The other day I was in the area near where I perceive she and Tomas live… not VERY near, not even the same town, but close… (Trader Joe’s in CH) and I daydreamed a whole series which has led me to observe and think about it…

I was HOPING she would be there. Just in the world I sometimes hope I’ll run into her. (I was at the Apple store last winter and just hoping that she’d be there even though I don’t think they like Apple products, but I just happened to have this deep hope to see her.) Anyway, Monday I was like wondering what I would do… I daydreamed that I would touch the hem of her clothes - ha - like the lady in the story of Jeshua ("your faith has made you well”) but then I thought she would NOT LIKE that so would my concern about upsetting her override that? Probably. I would probably just say hi and how much I love and appreciate her and that would be that. I thought about how even having thoughts like this makes me stalker-esque and admitting them will make her think poorly of me (when, remember, I so want her love/affection (help?!) (hello energy vampire). Anyway, I’m airing it for transparency’s sake. I need to work through my understanding of looking at her (or anyone plugged into Source) as my savior.

I used to watch the cords of light as people looked to our pastor…he was on the stage and people were corded to him and he was intentionally directing it up to God… but I think it’s hard for anyone not to appreciate all the power that is projected toward them when people look to them to connect with the divine/God. I think this is what takes so many spiritual leaders off course. It’s hard. I know it happened to me too… I was a co-leader of a spiritual group 9 years ago and it feels so good to be looked up to - people seeking you out to help them… and I was clothed in the love and light of God and divine wisdom poured through me as I surrendered as a vessel for His will.

But the trick for me was finding the line where my ego didn’t feed on that light… it skimmed some of God’s glory off the top of those interactions to feed myself. (Jeremiah 23) Even so, God was gracious to forgive me and lead me deeper into the truth and away from the mainstream where I spent years in the proverbial desert learning directly from God (1 John 2:27).

I know I was gifted a “mountain top experience” for a couple years and I think I had to fall into a valley of despair so I could learn the discipline and tools to “do the work” to heal myself. The glimpse of glory that I was given was incredible and maybe I didn’t have to fall off the path - maybe I “took the wheel back” to feed my earth-self/flesh/ego, but maybe that’s also so that I get to do the transmutational work that I’m doing now. (Slowly digging my way out.)

Aaaaaanyway, I dreamed of Lisa and Tomas last night. I don’t usually remember my dreams but they were with me lots and I woke up and went outside and came back and I kept pondering what I’ve read here about there being “false Lisas” that come in dreams and I wondered that while dreaming…but it was supportive to me overall. Of course neither of them knew who I was and we were I don’t know, in a cafeteria or gym or wedding reception, and Tomas saw me stretching my feet and he came over to show me a way to get a deeper stretch. And I introduced myself and also introduced myself to Lisa. (I was not cool and collected and experienced lots of drama/emotions that ran through my being.) I think I must have been living out my Trader Joe’s daydream. Long story short, she was not impressed and there were a lot of energetic downloads and exchanges that didn’t look like much but it was very educational. Mostly she wanted to stay away from me but was polite. It’s not my time yet.

Yet.

Okay. So that’s it. Keep doing the work.

________

ODE TO MELANIE

I cannot express how absolutely WONDERFUL and LIFE-GIVING it is to have an ES friend!!! Melanie and I connected a couple months ago and talk regularly about our life and world - especially the wild world of energetic synthesis!! I really feel like it has accelerated my growth… keeps me engaged and accountable outside my own little bubble.

It is a gift it is to have ALL OF YOU to share with, this divine container where we can wade through the layers and levels of our holograms and share what we’re learning and encourage one another is truly a divine gift! I am now also really appreciating having my sweet soul of a friend to walk through the day-to-day muck with… someone who knows the names of all my family members (including fur/feather-babies) and genuinely cares about individual circumstances (“how’d that go for you today?”) and, by the spirit in both of us directs my soul to resources or revelations that supports my highest purpose in service to the One Light.

Melanie is:

Brave:
The courageous mindset that leads my friend in her decisions and actions are an honor to witness. She has taken leaps of faith and surrender as she steps out of what she’s always known and into the unknown where this life-giving current drives her forward in her evolution.

Wise:
Not only smart in the world’s eyes, but the wisdom of her heart shines through. Melanie cares deeply about honoring the beings (animate and inanimate that surround her) and listens and learns from them. She digs deep and connects with the Source of her wisdom by taking time to rest and go to the rivers and oceans and jungles that whisper guidance to her through her teams (and teams and teams).

Compassionate:
Understanding and a great listener. She hears me and others as they share their experiences. Melanie truly is a compassionate witness. She reflects back what she hears through words and wisdom and sharing of her own experiences, all of which help me to better understand myself and my journey as well. It’s a rare gift in this world to find someone who is a compassionate and kind listener and to be able to call them your friend and to share the mutual pursuit of God …it's like winning the lottery of lotteries!

I could go on and on but suffice it to say, Melanie is my favorite friend - the one I most want to hear from - what is she learning? What meditations are supporting her? What does Source have to teach me through our friendship today?

We get to mirror each other in many ways (in the midst of these wild shifting timelines) that reveal deeper truths as we proceed - we are so different - almost opposites in many ways - yet our hearts are knit together in love. Divine friendship indeed.

I am trying not to cling too much as I know anything could change and God’s will be done, but for right now, in this present moment, I am beyond blessed to call Melanie my friend.

More on hermaphrodism

 

Hermaphrodite

Through the perfect union of the two forces, as an example of the Gender Principle with Adam and Eve in the waters of sex with chastity, the pillar of the hermai is perfected and made into the image of God through the hierogamic union of the inner Christos-Sophia. This is represented in Alchemy of unified polarities. In this term of hermaphrodite we see Mercury (Hermes) uniting with the goddess of love. Her name is Venus or Aphrodite. When Hermes and Aphrodite unite they form Hermaphrodite, the perfect balance of unified male and female principle. A hermaphrodite really, truly has nothing to do with what people currently think that it is. The mystical understanding of a hermaphrodite, is the etymology of the word comes from the union between Mercury and Venus (hermes-aphrodite), and is the hierogamic union of a god and goddess, a perfected being, the perfect balance and union between masculine and feminine, united as one. When we enter the sexual act, we mimic that process in varying degrees of Consciousness. We enter into a sacred temple, the union of polarities to form a unity. Because we are ignorant and subjected to the Sexual Misery programming on the earth, but we corrupt it with our lust, jealousy, pride, arrogance, with animal desire - the Houses of Ego. When we think with the Negative Ego mind and allow the Imposter Spirit to dwell inside of us, we do not have a clean, pure temple; our inner temple has been made into a brothel.

From https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Mercury_(Hermes)

This is what I'm working on now, the unification of my inner Christos-Sophia. My heirogamic union within - divine unity in my microcosm that I might be a Light to the macrocosm. I'm also working on this same concept within my marriage to Michael. Reversing the reversals. Healing traumas and allowing Light in to eliminate the shadows. 

I started an ESF Journal

 I think I will post my ES Foundations journals here too. They're a mess but so am I. I'm just going to post them all here.. there are maybe 4 so far. Sorry it's so long!


The title of the series is: "WE ARE: Polarity Integration in Action"

______

I’m super-inspired by Diana’s “My Spiritual Journal” (which I need to read, but it just popped up and it was so radiant to my heart)! I think I missed the memo on this whole spiritual journal thing as I have a couple other “spiritual journal” posts but they were more “top of mind that day" posts. Anyway, I think this is a good tool to track progress. I’ve got notes all over the place, an old blog, my journals, conversations with others, and mostly my head. I am trying to tidy up and become more deliberate with the work that I’m doing so maybe something like this might help. It’ll mostly be my blather so of course I’m self-conscious about sharing, but no one has to read it that doesn’t want to, so, it is what it is. And it’s my world, right? I AM GOD, SOVEREIGN, FREE. I’m realizing this means that I stand alone in my sovereignty as well, meaning I’m not dependent on what anyone else does or says or thinks of me. I am sovereign means that my power and being is mine and although others will try to usurp it, in God, I AM free and whole/complete/telios.

I’ve been a member of ES since January and I am just now beginning to catch on and step in to some

I can’t think right now.

What am I trying to do here?

Be like Diana? Gain Lisa’s attention and affection? Always trying to feed on others’ energy… feeling incomplete… I AM COMPLETE. I AM WHOLE!

Today I’ve been really thinking about how I wonder if Lisa is a collective consciousness and that she is restoring the fragments of her whole through this site. And am I fragment of Lisa? I have my own collective - Abraham Wages I’ve joked (after experiencing Abraham Hicks) - ha! But I have had glimpses that were confusing where I realized that certain people (Dr. Wilson and Lewis, neither of who I really know) and I are one… PART of one. Are we part of the Oneness that is Lisa. Is Lisa part of the Oneness that Jesus was part of? Are we all One? This is the Law of One? But are there other Laws? Are there other “Ones”?

I threw Jesus out the window years ago but he seems to be back. I separated "Jesus" and "Christ" and by "I", I mean, Spirit led and taught and teaches me so much about what's really going on. So I decided that if Jesus existed, he was an awakened man who embodied the spirit of Christ and that CHRIST was the fullness of all that is, the expression of God and that we were all ultimately fragments of this One and as we embrace our divinity and return to be the Light that we are, that THAT is the resurrection in Christ and that ultimately everyone will return (and that which is not part of it will be burned in the fire, scraped off as dross, blow away as chaff <-- maybe that's where hell comes from?). But maybe Jesus the man (I saw Lisa called him J12 somewhere which I liked - 12th dimensional being) has a collective as well if Lisa does? I don't know. I DO know that it was Jesus I was praying to when I had what I now understand to be a "walk-in" where spirit popped through from a higher level and "God poured into me from the top of my head and I poured out my feet"... I spent many -9- years looking for an answer to what that was (because it completely changed me and my life) and I am finally getting answers.

I’ve also thought that there were 144,000 (just a number I use because it’s everywhere) beings on earth and that all beings are a part of one of the 144,000 and that the unification in Christ is the restoration to the original of the 144,000. I’m not explaining this well. So… if that 144K is made up of Bob, Mary, Henry, June, etc…. say there are 144,000 names/beings. That if there are however many billion people on earth now, every person is actually a member of one of those beings. And when all the people are restored back to their original being, that the fullness of Christ will be accomplished and oneness restored. I don’t know. Just stuff I ponder.

But I do wonder if (a.) this is a place for the members of Lisa (like the members of Christ) and (b.) if I am a member of Lisa? Or am I an intruder trying to get to Lisa … part of me really wants a piece of her! (I’m sorry Lisa if you’re reading this!! It’s terrible! I hate it and have just been observing it! I want you to “thank you” my posts and when you don’t, I feel some shame or something… but I know when I joined I looked and hoped for you to be my “savior”… and of course, you have provided the space where I am learning to save myself. There are many layers here and I’ve had to deal with this “savior” complex before in relation to Jesus… and ultimately I lost my way when I no longer felt like I could hang my hat on the doctrine and “belief” (brainwashing) that I had… so I had to go through a many-year dark night of the soul in that arena to come out to the Light that I AM now.

I’m working through so much and this can’t be that long. I guess it can. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

Am I supposed to tighten up, button up, be disciplined in my writing, or should I let it flow and allow stream-of-thought ideas to come through? Either way, with awareness, I can learn from them…but remember that “mind” is not what matters here. It’s my heart… my soul… my spirit… that which I AM. (GSF) that matters and as my multidimensional bodies are being restored and my light body is being upgraded, repaired, and aligned, tapping into this deeper self (my higher self, that which I AM), is really where I want to flow from.

I’ve pretty much memorized the unity vow from saying it so much and I am really grateful. I have pride about this. This pride is not good. But the unity vow really is. I’ve been doing the crucifixion implant removal program which is also super good. For 8 months I’ve been doing the 12D shield multiple times daily and the core fear removal program nightly… probably made a difference but I’m full of fear. I am also clearing a number of lives… I have said I have “multiple people living in me”… but I’m beginning to understand they aren’t “living in me”, they are HEALING THROUGH ME. So that which I experience - all the fears even/especially are part of my “work”. So that’s cool.

I love to get naked at night and go outside and dance/move/flow during the core fear removal program under the stars. I’ve been led to incredibly powerful healings of tribes of native Americans (and soldiers?) and souls trapped in the grid below where I am. (I think.) I don’t know what I’m doing, my mind hasn’t caught up to what’s going on, but my spirit is busy and beautiful and faithful and I love and am honored to be her.

Well, this is long… and isn’t even a drop in the bucket. I live many lifetimes each day. So much work and clearing. I’m so grateful to have this space and my beloved friend Melanie to learn and process with! The mediations are life giving and healing me so much. I’ve been reading the newsletters in order - I’m only on August 2007 still and have been reading for a while. My kindle says that I have 98 hours left!!! 98 hours in that document, ha! (I copied all the newsletters to one document so I could upload them to my kindle to read offline and not lose my place.) I have had sessions with Joseph and Agni and an impromptu one with Gabriel, all resulting in tons of healing and clearing!! What a gift!!!!

I need to think of a title for my journal here. Dang, I like Diana’s so much. The trees are my teachers so that would be perfect… but well… shoot…come up with your own. “My Spiritual Journal” - ha! No. It’s funny to you, but it’s not good. What else? I AM THAT I AM. Daaaang, that’s powerful! Too much? Kinda. I don’t know. (I thought maybe I would stop talking to myself after my last multidimensional clearing where we worked on the implants to my hologram that were a result of my past relationships/marriages where this habit was born…but not yet. I kind of like talking to myself. I’m good company. (Ha!) But I don’t know if it is a lack of discipline? I need to observe it more. Anyway… back to the subject at hand… )

WE ARE. This is my understanding of all things, so that’ll do. (And it kinda speaks to all that I’m learning within all my bodies and energy centers and dimensions as well.) Yep. Okay. I wish I could have trees in it, or my animal family…but this is perfect.

I want to tell Lisa NOT to “thank you” me, because it feeds the monster, but it’s my monster to deal with and look at. So everyone gets to twirl in their own life and existence and do what’s best for them and I get to twirl in my own life and learn and allow and observe and love and surrender to the process/clearing/restoration of ALL WE ARE.

Recent Meditations - last week or so:
5D Higher Mind
Negative Form Removal
Aurora Core Upgrade
Atomic Body Clearing
Clearing Negative Forms
HGS Calibration
Alpha Omega Clearing
Etheric Body Rewiring
Others too… I just go with what feels right when I have time to do a meditation. But I think the Unity Vow a few times a day is really moving the needle for me.

I’m also about half-way through the HGS Calibration Manual. But need to get back to the Newsletters. Everything comes in divine timing and is so supportive. I’ve got to read about Archontic Deception Strategies and Akhenaten next.

I’m so controlling. LET GO.
One of my daily core fears is worrying about what other people think of me so this is very hard because this isn’t tidy - it’s really messy and it doesn’t paint me in a good light….but I really want to put down my paintbrush and stop trying to paint myself and just BE and allow. I’ve been saying it for years, but now I’m working on embodiment and it’s messy.

I am also picking up my paintbrush (that came through my incredible session with Agni). For a few years I was painting mostly animals and maybe my next painting is going to be my pegasus, but this one, as I’m getting back in the game, is an abstract called “Calibration”.

I need to stop now.
I kind of wish I whirled back up into a place of love and enthusiasm but I have to stop writing so I’ll just have to leave it right here. I love and appreciate all my energetic synthesis family members so much!

ps. One other thing that I really want to document as it unfolds - IF it unfolds - is this thing with the number 23. It’s been following me around and I’m still waiting to hear about how it relates. 22 comes around a lot too. Angel numbers in general are a regular thing, but I feel like 23 is part of my assignment. I’ve wondered a lot of things - if it’s related to the tilt of the earth (23.5 from what I understand) and I wondered if my job was to port souls/moloch tank sludge out that was weighing the earth down and knocking it off its access and disrupting the Fibonacci sequence and affecting all of life on this earth. Now I don’t think that anymore, but I wonder if there is a 23rd dimension that I have some relation to? So…we’ll see. It’s something I think about almost every day so I’m sure it will come up again. Just wanted to note it here.

pss. This book of the bible, Zechariah, was paramount in breaking me out of Christian dogma and teaching me that Jesus was not "God", as we knew/worshipped him, but was a man like us... there were many layers/implications. The 6 verses in chapter 3 were profound to me. (Jeshua/Joshua/Jesus are all the same name as I understand it.)

Then the angel showed me Jeshua[a] the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord. The Accuser, Satan, was there at the angel’s right hand, making accusations against Jeshua. 2 And the Lord said to Satan, “I, the Lord, reject your accusations, Satan. Yes, the Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebukes you. This man is like a burning stick that has been snatched from the fire.”
3 Jeshua’s clothing was filthy as he stood there before the angel. 4 So the angel said to the others standing there, “Take off his filthy clothes.” And turning to Jeshua he said, “See, I have taken away your sins, and now I am giving you these fine new clothes.”
5 Then I said, “They should also place a clean turban on his head.” So they put a clean priestly turban on his head and dressed him in new clothes while the angel of the Lord stood by. 6 Then the angel of the Lord spoke very solemnly to Jeshua and said, 7 “This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says: If you follow my ways and carefully serve me, then you will be given authority over my Temple and its courtyards. I will let you walk among these others standing here.

psss. I also really need to read about Blood covenant and J-Seals, etc. again. I've got a lot of that going on. I've read it before but the veil is slowly being lifted so I need to keep chipping away. I've got roots in Abrahamic religion and am married to a Torah teacher so I've got lots of spiritual weeding to do.

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Well I was a negative ego mess after my first post, but acceptance - compassionate witnessing - from just one person made a HUGE difference and settled my soul. Unity, thank you for your life-giving response - it helped me more than I can express here… just healing balm for my ruffled little ego. Then this morning I awoke to a message from my beloved friend (who is also an ES member) which served my heart and soul well. I’m still loved! I put myself out there and it’s OKAY!! Whooo.

Oh, and I just logged in to post again and see the loving and supportive messages from Diana and Roseanne! Thank you thank you thank you!!! And Roseanne, the Avian Bird was FASCINATING! It’s so interesting because with those colors I would have thought she would be a loving bird…yet she was chained and assigned to harm you. What a world we live in?!! I’m glad the bird is free and I’m especially glad you are free!!

Let me start by saying that I’m sorry I’m verbose. I’m hoping that as I dump these fragments of my mind out, that it will create space and I’ll find my still point.

Today I want to share about my challenges with the 12D Shield. I first started trying to shield 2 or 3 years ago when I was first led to ES (I didn’t join then - just signed up for the Newsletters - I’m not sure why I thought $22 a month was expensive, but I thought it was out of my league at the time. El stupido. But it just wasn’t my time. (However I WAS going through massive ascension symptoms at the time and it would have supported me so much so it actually WAS probably my time - the second time Source brought me here. The first time was in summer 2011, and I can’t be exactly sure, but there was a forum of some sort - I think it was the yahoo group - I don’t know now that I’m saying it out loud because it would seem weird that it would be possible for a stranger to read those posts - I didn’t join or anything - but whatever I read I remember thinking that it was so “out there” and “schizophrenic” but it was deeply speaking to my soul and those were my people! I don’t think I “played” with that very long, a month tops until I was swept away by an alien love bite and my life changed course yet again.

I digress…

So a couple years ago the 12D shield had that cool menthol feel. And when I started here in January (which is when I started shielding day and night), it originally had that feel. Now it’s harder to tap into that cool menthol thing, so I wonder if I’m connected. Speaking of connecting, I’m confused about where to connect. For a while I was connecting with the center of the earth…. now I’m trying to connect to the 12D grid which I imagine is kind of on the surface … but isn’t that at the layer of my 1st sphere, so is my shield ON the grid… do I have to sink my star down anywhere and link to anything and then breathe it back up to create my platform or is it all right here, 12 inches below my feet?

And the connection… I’ve had some trouble with my Unity star…the star of David… I just couldn’t visualize it. Someone kind here gave me the link to the image of it on the AG and suggested staring at it for 10 minutes straight to burn it into my head (which I did), but it still didn’t come naturally. A few days ago, after many months of struggle, one came to my mind finally (I mean, I draw them and work really hard to get one to come up in my mind, but this one was natural and just there). It had thin lines and was bigger than I expected and it was kind of metallic colored light (not really the Aurora light… darker, maybe like aurora light dressed up for a cocktail party). I should say that I’ve seen the Aurora light for many years - I think it surrounds me in general - if I squint my eyes on a sunny day, that’s the light I see … maybe all things are actually made up of that light?

I digress again. Eep!

So this connection is very hard…. and I struggle the at least two times a day that I shield. I’m wrestling with my MIND to try to synthesize this shield. Takes me like 15 minutes to just THINK it into existence. Lately sometimes I’ve just been trying to ACCEPT it into existence… like, leaning on the idea that it already exists and is perfect and I say “strengthen shield” and just try to visualize that it is all good.

What are we doing with this though? I asked Joe about it in my session…. I thought WE were connecting to the 12D earth grid in order to connect to our 12D blueprint which would ultimately serve us as we are healed and restored back to the original 12D intent for our being. It would serve as an energetic source as well. But I was also advised that it is how we are acupuncture needles for the earth - as we click into the grid, Source energy flows through us back to earth and supports and restores her 12D grid?! Both.

I know I do gridwork - I feel the earth (and the disconnect and pain/toxicity) and sometimes have deeper understandings and leading to take part in actions (clearing, bubbles/shields, love, healing, etc.). Even as I walk my dogs I know my job is to connect with the earth and hear her. Unfortunately my MIND (negative ego) usurps the interaction and I end up in thought instead of spirit.

I’m really into this idea of how we are born from both Spirit/Father and Earth/Mother… how we are fully God (spirit), fully human (earth), Christos-Sophia the expression of God. These are concepts we learn, but as it sinks into our cellular layers and deep knowing, it is so exciting!

The first part of the book of John is so profound about this and about embodiment of our higher self/God. It’s wild! I was told to put down the bible about 5 years ago (because for the first 5 years it was my food… after my walk-in (01/02/2010 <— just noticed the other day that that 01/02 is 2010 backwards…not sure what that’s called, but it seems awesome)… anyway, the Bible opened up to me in mighty ways. It was all encoded and as I read it I got so many spiritual downloads - “the Holy Spirit teaches us all things” and I was directed to start reading the original language (Hebrew and Greek) and it swept (and tore) me away from all I thought I knew in so many ways (spiritually, emotionally, and physically). But about 5 years ago I was told to put it down, that God speaks in other ways too, and I’ve learned to hear through nature and then through my own being … these voices must be my guides. I’m just clicking into that… I don’t have a “New Age” background in this life so some of the terminology is different. Anyway, I’ve been feeling invited to come back to the bible - ready for the next level. I think in a way Christians are my people… those that God has given me. And we need to speak the language… but the terrain is also littered with traps. I’m not strong enough yet to not get twisted and confused so I still have much work to do. But I have been doing 10+ solid years of training in the field of religion - wading through the dogma to find pearls of life-giving Light. God’s will be done. I’m still in kindergarten.

Oh my gosh… back to it now:

I wanted to hit on some of the main themes I’m working through but I’m going to have to cut it short (long!!!!! Gah!!). I’ll just list them:
Nourishment/ Food - especially meat vs. no meat. (I was told that I must eat meat - and I have been a vegetarian 2x in my life for about a year each and got super sick at the end of both of them… but maybe I needed to push through herxheimers or something.) I eat a tiny bit of meat each day as part of a “Nutritional Balancing Program” that I’ve been on for almost 4 years, but this year I have felt called to make it my own and listen to my body and introduce salads and stuff and now I have a lot of knocking about going meat free.) We’ll see. I’ll tell you what, I’ve been chomping garlic like a champ since Agni introduced her website/program and I think that is profound (I take many of the other supplements she recommends already), and I think the garlic is magic. I also think it repels the world because I smell like a big garlic! (I also realized that I have smelled like sulfur for almost a year. I didn’t know what was wrong with me- I thought I was rotting (I don’t use deoderant much so I had to smell myself and wondered what that was all about), but I think it was my body supporting me and keeping the bad guys away since they don’t like the smell of sulfur.) Wow! Get on with it!!

Okay, so also I’m trying to understand Astrology… how that plays into all this. What is it? I’ve feared it for so long, I was brainwashed into thinking it was in the “witchcraft” category but in the last year or so I have been looking at it some and it seems like Lisa takes it into consideration as well (especially in her earlier writings). I have this app called “Co-Star” that my friend hooked me into and I don’t look at it regularly but yesterday I did and it said that I had “Power in “sex and love” but Trouble with “routine”, “thinking & creativity”, “spirituality”, “social life” and “self”!… so EVERYTHING! I have definitely been in what I call a “tangle” lately… and it’s interesting because I HAVE been doing work in the “sex and love” category … working through my past relationships and also heiros gamos work within. So it’s pretty on point… (and also a sign that I probably SHOULDN’T be blathering on in this journal/online…but I think it’s okay.)

Source gave me a really good teaching about what (I perceived as) witchcraft … I guess I’ll just get to the punchline, and that’s that anything that involves me “pushing or pulling” energy… trying to manipulate it for personal or percieved gain… could be in that category. I’ve learned and believe that I have a shamanic ancestral background and I’ve been a lightwokrker in many lives but all across the spectrum (i.e. dark work too.) In my first session with an intuitive a couple years ago, she said “you’ve been involved with some energies you shouldn’t have” (or something like that) and I felt so confused and ashamed and thought back to high school when I played with a ouija board with my friends once or twice and I had a “magic 8 ball” (which I was told was demonic and had to throw away when I did the “steps to freedom in Christ”)… but now I understand that she was able to see that I was involved in dark arts and have it lingering from past lives. And I know I’m a shadow worker (that’s not the term…maybe it is... but I’m working through - observing and releasing - shadows.) I have lots of work to do. I liked how Agni said I’ve got an “indigo 3 contract on steroids” - lol I KNOW!!! Anyway, digging through this is all part of my journey and I’m so grateful to be on it.

I think I need to stop. There are other bullet points but hopefully I’ll chip away at all this as I go.
Thank you for loving me despite my mess. I love all of you in this beautiful container of love/safety/unity too!!! Thank you especially to Lisa for creating and surrendering to the process to allow God to create this container through her. It’s absolutely a miracle. A cool pool of refreshing spring water of LIFE for us here.

MUAH!!
Carissa

ps. One more for my list. The stars call to me. I get up at least once - sometimes more …last night it was at least 3 times, where I get up in the middle of the night to go outside and it seems like the stars have a message for me. I don’t know what it means. Sometimes there is just one bright beaming thing in the sky. Sometimes one calls my attention. Last night there was a pattern of four that I’d not seen before - huge - and a shooting star went through it. We must be having meteors lately, I’ve been seeing lots of shooting stars. Okay, not lots. Like one. Two last night and one the night before and one the night before. Anyway… strange sleep state activities this year… just a strange life. A beautiful life.

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Roseanne, BLESS YOU (may God pour blessings of joy and abundance and wisdom and peace into your being) for your beautiful encouragement - you have been an angel and messenger to me and I am grateful.

Your insight regarding demons was really helpful and I think I probably collected many of them in the course of my life. They may also be sniffing around where I live since we are clearing lots of that energy here too. So... yeah, very enlightening. Thank you!! Bless you! And thank you for telling me about the meteor shower!! I saw more last night so that makes sense! Incredible!

Laying naked in the grass is everything!! I live in a community (in an apartment that is made out of an old chicken house - cool) so being naked in the daylight isn't acceptable, too bad! But the last few months I've really been embracing being naked outside at night... and last night I was laying in the newly cut grass with grass pieces all over me looking at the stars and it was DIVINE!

Well, here's today's rant/processing... the first sentence is from yesterday...

I don’t need to mentally/analytically understand what is going on. I’m doing the work. The thinking piece of it is tricky for my ego. This why I need to release negative ego. Especially because of my propensity and past “spiritual egotism”.

How do I NOT get locked into fear about WHO the voices are? Are they YHVH-based spirits that are trying to keep me entrenched there? How do I know who is speaking to me through the insights of the bible? I take those messages (the deeper layers being revealed to my spirit) and I used to trust them implicitly, but now I'm nervous about it. I hear things and wonder if the interpretation is for me or if I am being manipulated? Who's talking? What is this “false god” thing? I get the blood covenant thing... I see that. My husband is SO rooted in it - that's the part of his platform that he's most passionate about "keeping", (a "real" Passover: circumcision, covenant, slaughter). But that part doesn't resonate with me (and in fact infuriates and me). Wisdom (divine feminine from Proverbs 8 ) who existed before the world began resonates with me. I just need to keep chipping away at it, practicing discernment. That's all.

Just trying to define "God". I thought that YHVH and Allah and Jesus (the one that is accidentally worshipped in the evangelical church) were all technically the same dude but with different names. But maybe this isn't so. I don't know. Are they collectives?

If we are all God… the oneness/unity of all that is... then wouldn't that include the bad guys/NA? … Ah, but maybe they are soulless beings? But are all “souled” beings part of the Law of One? All earth beings? We aren't earth beings technically though.... or maybe we are now coded as such? But in the wide-world/Universe, are there collectives? Does the Law of One include ALL collectives on this planet AND other planets? I’m trapped in polarity so am I not part of the Law of One until it is resolved? Oh, but is it my future-self...or Avatar self, yes, that is free and standing firm and resurrecting all the rest of me? Restoring all the timelines? But is it happening primarily on this one? Collapsing the timelines into this one? What is going on here?!! I just need to keep reading and letting it unfold. So much to learn. I have to read the same thing over and over months apart and new meanings pop up as the veils are pulled away. I get answers and I'm like "I knew that", but then I forget. I guess this is part of the ego mashup that I've got going on. It's okay to keep mulling around and as I do, I am making progress, slowly but surely making my way through the mire. Ha!

Prayer lesson:

Today as I was praying with my book club for one person in particular I had a huge lesson - not sure how it will continue to play out, but: When I hold someone in consciousness (pray), sometimes I get visions of what’s going on and I often will go in there and try to “fix” it. I have mended people’s hearts, and pulled darkness off people and smoothed energies, etc… I think this might be what is called “lightworking”… I’m operating in the realm of visions and light. Hm. I didn’t think I was “indigo 2”… I for sure related to Indigo 1 and 3, but I didn’t think I was a healer, but maybe this “lightwork” IS that or the beginnings of it?

I digress <--imagine that… ha!

So I saw my friend with all this darkness and the weight of the world surrounding her and usually I would go in there and try to clear it for her, but today I realized that is part of “pushing and pulling energy for personal gain” (I think it’s personal because I was trying to do it through my ego-mind). So instead I tried to be the compassionate witness and just stand with her and feel the weight and I intended to strengthen my alignment and shield and just be with her.

This is related to hero/savior… I want to save or fix people or situations, but who am I to decide what needs to be fixed. I always counted on God to either allow my prayer/work or not, but does this movement in spirit have consequences,… what is that thing about everything having an equal or opposite reaction? I don’t know… anyway… that’s where I am today. But I’m confused (imagine that)…. sometimes I have visions that I don’t intend … there was one a few weeks ago about a man that I talked to once a while back but he came to mind and was on a table and I had to (felt led to) pray these sparks of light into his body to heal and help him stay above the ground/from sinking into the underworld or something… or strengthen him for his journey… I don’t really know… I was just responsible for the sparks.

And before I knew my current husband I was given glimpses into the darkness (pain and bitterness) that had encompassed his whole being and I was led to go in from the inside and use a stick to break a few holes through his chest to allow the light to begin to seep in and heal him.

What is that?? Are those useful? What am I doing? I’m not leading those, I’m following, I think. What is that?? Am I supposed to take action or not take action? Well… I guess I just have to keep listening and learning and being transformed. As Lisa says, we’re on a “need to know basis”, so… I guess I’ll know when it’s right for me to know.



Yesterday: Crux Implant Removal & Gallbladder Meridian Clearing


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I am so grateful to God and the legions of guides that support and teach me! My beloved [Krystic] friend, Melanie sent me the Guardian Yeshua article and it was so perfectly on time. (I’m sure I’ve read it before, but this time I was ready…at least for this next round of downloads).

The False Ascension Matrix : “...if the light within you is darkness—how deep is that darkness!" - Matthew 6:23

I had to stop the HGC Manual at Part 2 because I am not ready for it. (Though I really wanted to learn about the axatonial alignment in/through our hands, so I did read that since I’d been practicing it after Agni’s session, but wanted more information.) Anyway, I’m back to where I belong, reading the Krystal Aegis Manual and old Newsletters … working on my foundation.

I am humbled and honored to be here - I am seeing more and more of my path and how I’ve been so blessed and held (even in the prison/traps that I fell into). What a life!

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Dear TheUnicornMeadow, thank you for your loving response - I saw it on my phone last night and it helped me sink deeper into my body and breathe. You've gifted me with a very supportive spiritual infusion related to light body alignment and integration and I am so grateful!

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Yesterday’s mediations: Crux Implant Removal and Krystal Aegis Diamond Breastplate (I don’t list the 12D shield, Unity Vow, and Core Fear Removal because those are daily… and the Crux implant one is daily for now too so maybe I’ll stop listing it.)

“If we are attached to something and it is creating spiritual stagnation, that object will be removed from our lives so we can refocus ourselves back on the inner spirit” - Lisa Renee/Krystal Aegis Booklet

Thank you for the definitive answer, I danced around it a lot but I think I’m finally feeling solid that that’s what happened with my second husband. It broke me, but I needed breaking. It was inherently dysfunctional, but I made it so much worse by trying to wrestle it into something that served my ego (and her master plan for world domination, of course! Ha!) The whole thing was an important part of my journey - what a journey it’s been. After Tyrone left, God just told me to rest like a bird in her nest, and just tuck into Him (I called him a him…still not sure what to call it…him/her…ALL THAT IS). Of course I didn’t rest like a bird in her nest for more than short bursts at a time… I continue to try to control the narrative of my life while at the same time saying “I surrender!”, but saying it and intending it and actually doing it are very different things. It’s layers… everything is layers… I peel back one layer of surrender but have many more to go… Much love and gratitude to my being for her support as she walks this path with faith - it’s been a tough one, but such an absolute HONOR to be called and supported in the process.

Last night I got some good cries out… I love it when the cries come to release pent up emotion. I listen to YouTube music (“my mix” which just feeds me music it thinks I might like and God uses that in a big way to speak to me). The vibration and energy signature of many songs help me tap into deep pools of consciousness ready to be explored or released. It's really a miracle how it all comes up. The sweet spot in my session yesterday came through "Spirit Bird" which took me to my Native American ancestors and allowed me to touch and be with them - to surrender and serve and love them in their surrender and supplications to the Great Spirit. I was one with them, experiencing fear and preparation for the unknown and looking for the favor of the One. I was also the One seeing them and loving them and being them. It was so profound and many deep cries came out. (I abruptly stopped when something in my body triggered me - fear of a vein popping. I have such a huge fear of veins… I need to ask about that … if anyone else experiences that - it’s been very very strong for about a year, this obsession and fear around veins/arteries….) Anyway, it popped me out…but that’s okay, I was there for long enough at this time. So then "Aloha Ke Akua" came on and soothed me and helped me to deeper process and release … then what? I think Lauren Daigle's "Losing My Religion" which has been a theme for me and these words are my soul’s signpost at this time. Then "Age of Aquarius" which comes up almost every time - it’s like 23 in the music world for me (but I don’t listen to music that much so it’s not like 23 really)… but it must BE the Age of Aquarius NOW or something… that song is very powerful to me. (And I used to dislike it immensely, but now I am immediately brought into Presence.)

I need to learn more about astrology I think. I don’t know. Maybe not. The stars speak to me. I have one of those star apps and I tried to start figuring out what was what and the ones that I see the most. But most of my most surreal “stars are beaming messages to me” stuff happens in the middle of the night when I wake up and go outside - like I’m called out there or I just need to ground - and I feel like they are looking at me. Last night before bed when I was doing the core fear removal program the stars all looked like a bunch of eyes looking at me… a bunch of pairs of eyes. It was weird and cool. But in the middle of the night there was a bright flashing light that looked like lightening (times two) behind the tree line, and I suddenly felt that was for me but a huge surge of fear came upon me and I ran inside. I thought maybe someone …okay, I’ll just say it… aliens... were going to come for me or something. As I was running away I was observing this fear and wondering about it - was it real or was it another fear hook? Another fear hook I know now. I need to STAND FIRM when that happens. My whole life I’ve run from these opportunities to choose courage - I choose fear and fall further down the rabbit hole (and not in a good way). I’ve been working with fear of lightening and I thought I made progress… this was probably just that coming up as a test. Anyway… it was interesting. The middle of the night thing is always interesting. Always short - a few minutes - just go outside, ground, see what I’m meant to, and then come back in and go to bed.

HYDRATION has been a real problem for me lately. I must be hydrated in some ways as my urine is not dark, but my cells aren’t nourished and my skin and body feels depleted. I get chest pains which may or may not be related to that. I’ve tried the salt and fruit in the water thing that Candace suggested and I’ve been trying to eat fruit even though I rarely ate fruit before…and salt…. I think I must need more salt. And coconut water (which Melanie also suggested), and Hyman’s Cell Salts which Lisa suggested, and a couple epsom salt + baking soda baths each week. It’s getting old though. I think it’s from all the energy/work that we’re all doing now.

My main “core fears” that I deal with are: Fear of death (and all its many roots of manifestation), and fear of what others think (and all the many ways that manifests too).

There was another topic I really wanted to discuss but it fell out of my brain so I guess I'll stop here.

Much love to you all, beautiful brothers and sisters in the Light!


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My posts are outpacing my “thanks” and I’m not feeling good about it. 87 posts / 702 thanks as of today. It seems like the posts should be about 10% of the thanks based on what I’ve observed. I don’t know.

As I started posting in this journal especially, I’ve lost some apprehension about writing/responding and have a really hard time coming across someone’s heartfelt share without letting them know they are heard and loved. Maybe I just need to trust that others will come along to support them in divine right order/timing. This must be rooted in hero/savior. Hm. Well, good to know/think about. I also need to maybe read older posts so I can read whole big threads of what people’s thoughts are and get up my “thanks” numbers…but that’s gamey. Dang. Well, we’ll see. I guess I’ll just keep trying to be authentic - responding to what I think I should, but recognizing my programming and listening and trusting God to direct me in terms of to who and when to respond.

MAYBE I’m just a “butt-in-ski” that likes to be involved in interesting conversations?? No. I don’t think that’s it. Like on Ronin’s Andromeda thread, I read and enjoyed it and learned from it and from what Mhairi shared, but didn’t feel moved to respond UNTIL my glossary daily pick was ABOUT that so THEN I came back to share and at the same time got to respond to a dear soul’s share.

Ah, I’ll just watch this. That’s all.