Hero-Savior Complex

 This thread is killing me (in a good way, I presume)

esfoundations.com/index.php/forum/identi...essiah-complex#16818

I definitely have the “hero-savior/messiah complex”. I have delusions of grandeur. I think that I can save people. I think that I know better than them. I realize saying this here is not good for my prospects of making friends, but I have to be honest. I’m learning so much here and I’m always the freaking bad guy! (Well, I guess I need to just move this out… this is part of negative ego. Observe it and allow it to dissolve. This is all part of it. Ack!)

This is here to heal. Thanks be to God. The other day I got a message from my landlord. (We live in a horse ranch community and I’ve been here the second-longest at almost 6 years.) She said that four people here had said I was bossy. This hurt deeply because I have tried so so so so hard to be over-the-top helpful with everyone… we make them a treat when they move in (“welcome to the neighborhood!”), we help them to move their furniture if they don’t have help, we offer them resources and tips, and make ourselves available completely. I get them connected to the group social page where you can ask for a cup of sugar or sound an alert if a horse is loose. We also go above and beyond to fix broken boards, and trim trees, and arrange hay, and we donate lots of things to help others…blah blah blah. You can see the EFFORTING in this… which I deceptively believed came from a kind heart. But no. This is messy. It comes from hero-savior… I want to be known as “kind Carissa (or whatever)” and seen in that light. I think it gives me some sort of authority and there is a power play in it. “I’m better than you are. I’m better than everyone else. Who else is doing all these things? You wouldn’t be set up so well with out me, blah blah blah”. You see? UGH!!!!

I heard a quote that said “help is the sunny side of control” and that’s stuck with me. That’s what I’m doing. I’m trying to control people, situations, places, animals, etc….

It’s really hard to deal with the animal piece of this for me though. I see people neglecting their animals and I have stepped up in many ways (from taking action (like filling the water for them), to buying food and supplies, etc.). Our landlord said that I should just let her know and she’ll take care of it, but a couple weeks ago when someone’s chickens were literally starving. I tried so hard to be the compassionate witness for like 2 or 3 days but it was too hard so I said something. And the landlord said there was nothing she could do because you can’t critique people on how they take care of their animals. So I went out and bought food and a treat block for the owners to give to them. This probably offended the owners and the fall-out effected some sweet starved goats. (They were not being cared for so we’ve given them hay for the last 8 months but now we needed to buy another large round bale and asked for a place to store it and the owner basically said “they’re fine, they don’t need hay until the winter” (which isn’t true - goats need a little hay every day). They are very poor and we’ve donated to them for years in different ways, but I DID get pushy this time. I’m sorry to dump all this here, this is just my real-life mess. So again, hero-savior, and victim-victimizer (I am both - victimizing the “bad people that don’t take care of their animals” and a victim because they don’t listen to me.)… among my control dramas driven by fear!

One of my main core fears that I’m forever working on is “fear of what people think of me” so it’s all tied in to this and being called “bossy” is a real nightmare in that respect. I also have the whole “spiritual” thing going on… especially people who have been here for a while see me meditating around the property, and I try to communicate with love and set intentions for healing. This year I’ve been walking my dogs barefoot and just gotten a little “woo-woo” which I embrace because I AM woo-woo, ha! But this plays into it too… it’s a negative ego construct somehow but I need to dig deeper. It may just be laziness and not caring, but it may be part of a 3D persona that I’ve built. So I’ll watch.

Well, here I am doing the work, trying to dismantle these layers and games, and personas, and it hurts like heck. I want to give up - especially lately. I get discouraged. But I continue. Source…God… has been amazing, helping me. Even in this painful dismantling… I AM LOVED.

Note: This past Tuesday was the spontaneous-go-to-Washington day!!! What a wild experience!!! I felt spirit tingles take me away and while there I had classic headaches and dizziness, etc., energy moving through (or in, trying to move through). I’ve been hoping to move away from here and I’m wondering if this is movement in that direction. Washington is almost the exact opposite side of the country from me (I’m in North Carolina), but it was the most beautiful place I’ve ever been… there were mountains, rivers, ocean/sound, rolling hills/farms, cliffs, all in a few mile radius… incredible!! So, we’ll see. It will take a miracle. And maybe I need to wait. I am ready to have our own boundaries… our own safe space where we can plant fruit trees and invest in the property. Here I have felt like an energetic steward and do feel like I’ve been part of healing this place (or is this my hero-savior complex?! Maybe both.)… but it really is exhausting. To move out there would be another “rent” situation… but maybe that’s right for us now? It will all unfold as it should. (Believe that and rest in it.)

Note 2: I really am committing to doing the work with Michael… my husband… working through the mire. THIS is where my affection and attention and “help” should go. It always goes to OTHERS instead of my partner…. But I’m ready to heal that and heal us and heal me and … yeah. Just wanted to mention that too.

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The above post was born out of a WhatsApp talk to/with Melanie and then after that I went to the forums and read the one referenced above about Hero-Savior. So it's all Divine Right Timing... but I'm going to try to post the audio from my process with Melanie here too:
Nope... can't add it. I'll put it in my email, search for "Hero-Savior Process Work" or something...