Catch up.

Uncle Robert said he loved me too yesterday, 11/28/22.

So much to catch you/me up on. Been an intense month. Lots of magnetic shifts. Lots of work with Paul. Yesterday I asked if he would "own" me... I wanted to give myself to him. I want to live in proper alignment with his headship. We made beautiful love the night before and I tried to surrender to God and Paul in it... to not let fear get the best of me. Fear of orgasm from fear of that massive headache which I feel was definitely related to energy flow needing to open. I need to just keep practicing and healing and opening. I need to keep facing fear and am grateful to continue on this plane.

Rue's cancer in her leg is growing and causing her problems... so I'm trying to love her back to wholeness. I'm not ready to lose her yet. She has so much life. My sweet best friend! Much to feel into about that.

We got back from a 4-day excursion to the mountains. Thanksgiving at the Summit Lodge. Trompsing around the mountains - Carlton's Falls hike on Friday. Driving around the mountains and exploring Asheville Saturday and landing at Evangeline's for dinner and to sleep over before leaving the next morning to trek to and through Boone. Paul drove so well in the rain. I felt safe.

posted in ESF about "Zinc & Copper"

I felt to share a thought that came through this morning about remembering to balance copper with zinc. There are a bunch of really smart people in this container who know a lot about this subject which seems quite tricky to me. (i.e. Like the fact that we're not supposed to necessarily supplement with a mineral that is low because it can knock other minerals out of balance. And the fact that there are less-preferred minerals and even heavy metals hijacking spaces in binding sites (like lead takes the calcium spot).)

Back to copper-zinc:
From what I understand, copper is a more feminine mineral and zinc is more masculine which makes this topic EVEN MORE delicious to my polarity integrator heart - ha!

If copper is too dominant, we can be over-emotional, spacey, prone to anxiety and OCD, but we can also have personality characteristics like being extra caring, empathetic, child-like, and sensitive. Since copper is a feminine mineral, it is essential for women and mothers to have healthy cycles and pregnancies, and it supports the maternal bond with children (manganese also plays a role in this too).

Zinc is a more masculine mineral- it supports physical strength and vitality and is absolutely essential for male hormonal balance.

From: www.sassyholistics.com/minerals-influence-our-hormones/

I was "diagnosed" with "copper toxicity" many years ago and have been on high alert since. At the time that I started being tested, I was stuck in sympathetic dominance/fight-or-flight and having multiple panic attacks each day. I desperately munched on cacao nibs (which taste like earth/dirt, as you probably know)... but they tasted like the best thing in the world to me! I don't know if it was my body trying to correct the imbalance or if it was an addiction/withdrawal response. Cacao has a ton of copper and although I was considered "copper toxic", my copper was biounavailable and unbound (causing severe EMF sensitivity). 6+ years later and I'm still feeling unbalanced in the copper department. Copper spikes during the menstrual cycle... triggering or interacting with estrogen (again, dumping unbound copper into the bloodstream where it takes a while to clear out and in the meantime exacerbates anxiety and EMF sensitivity, etc.).

I know Candice worked with an interesting man named Morely Robbins (I linked one of his podcasts below) who was passionate about supporting ceruloplasmin which binds copper. (Something like that... Candice and others will know more.) Rosemary has a practice where she helps people get their minerals in balance and knows a ton about this too! I've heard others like Melissa and ... I don't know... lots of wise and beautiful people....talk about this topic over the years. There's much to learn and it seems to be on the table (still). I apologize if this topic has already been discussed... I've not had as much margin this year to stay up to date on this wonderful forum, but I wanted to honor my nudge to bring it up today as well.

So I guess my goal is to put a pin in this and invite any experience on how others are balancing these key minerals.

Here are a few articles I skimmed this morning:
deannaminich.com/copper-to-zinc-achieving-the-right-balance/
myersdetox.com/transcript-91-copper-dysr...with-morley-robbins/
drlwilson.com/ARTICLES/COPPER_TOXICITY_SYNDROME.htm
www.sassyholistics.com/minerals-influence-our-hormones/

With Love,
Carissa

___

Saw 2:22 and 4:44 today
5:55

___

5:55 8:23 30/9:03

I haven't been doing my sun salutation this year! I need to do that every day! And a plank and maybe some burpees. Get to it! Get in shape!
30/9:09
30/1:11

I don't know

I don't trust him. I think I'm smarter. I think I have to offer the answer. It's exhausting. The truth is he is smart and I need to trust him before I trust him. 

We hurt each other. He thinks everything I say is a dig. My communication traumatizes him.
I want something easy. I need to take care of ME. He doesn't take care of me. We're in awful financial straits. He blames me. I blame him and/or us. If I controlled my own finances, I'd have savings. I would have tithe money and savings. I wouldn't just buy what I want when I want it. 

We're not good for each other... when he... <<<---- this is toxic. The song that is on now is "Speak Life" by Toby Mac... I'm speaking that ugliness into existence. 

But he had savings when he was in Alaska. He was killing himself with fake food and not eating every other day and only sleeping 4 hours a night. He's just having his journey...exploring all these things. He's his own lab rat. I don't like to witness it. 

I want to live ORGANICALLY... LESSSSS man-made crap... less technology....less stuff to purchase... less supplements. MORE NATURE, LOVE, ANIMALS, CREATION. 

Am I too old? No. OWN MYSELF NOW.

I am learning to pleasure myself. Learning to feel good...to open my yoni. That's productive. 

How can I stop being codependant? Fearful and controlling? LOVE.

myself. 

I feel like he just doesn't take responsibility for me and our life and home. He demands to be the leader but he won't lead. He won't take ownership or responsibility to provide. He wants to be catered to... served...but doesn't do his part. He doesn't serve in the way that he should...with appreciation, oversight, protection, direction.... I don't feel safe because he doesn't provide that... in fact I think he gets a little rush in doing the opposite...trying to keep me unbalanced. It's part of the satanic rebellion spirit. 

I'm sad. He seems to be a part of me. But we're so broken.

He won't take responsibility or ownership... he won't admit that he might have an opportunity to grow and heal...he won't put energy into even considering his side... he wants me to spoonfeed him examples and what he does instead of feeling into it himself to consider. He wanted examples of his passive-aggressive attitude and I said that I wasn't wanting to nit-pick but he could look in his heart and see how he might feel and subsequently act. His energy and actions are his responsibility. 

I'm tired. 
I'm sad.

I feel so disconnected. I LIKE being a part of our team... helping him in the morning is part of my identity... this is co-dependency...so I need to break it... it's okay. "DO ME AND LET PAUL BE."

Back to that. 

____

Maybe this is God/the Universe trying to nudge me?

____

I think this is really true and good. Thank you God.

Dear Paul, I hope one day you will reflect on our time together and recognize that I was a generous, loving, and supportive influence on you. My intentions have always been to help you see and step into your inherent gifts and power. We both did the best we could and I honor you and know you will continue to grow. I will always love you and do my best to look upon our time as the growth experience and divine appointment it was. 

How we frame our experience makes a difference. I know you currently see me as some sort of controlling monster because I speak directly. We certainly have communication issues and that was predetermined by our astrological birth charts (and we saw this before we even got together). Anyway... I choose to refect upon you with fondness and hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the ways I've hurt you and try to do the same. Let's put GOOD in the world. It doesn't need any more negativity and low frequency ruminations. It's our choice. 

Love always, Carissa ❤️

Thank you God.

Moving forward

Songs coming forward... 

First of all "Fight Song" gave me such a beautiful release and hope.
Then I put on YouTube Music and 

Ayla's "Other People" and now King and Country's "Ceasefire" are so perfect.
I need to make sure I am filled with love. And just make choices that are better aligned for my health and happiness. 

How do we save a life pointing fingers

How can we end the fight this way

When blame is the truth we're preaching

And lies are what we're believing

No one ever wins when the goal is to settle the score

These are good lyrics.

I slept from maybe 1am to 5am and got up early... 6 to let Rue out and then laid there awake until 7 when I got up to take care of the animals. A cold front is coming in but the sun is shining. I'm just going to take care of myself. Work. Self-Love. 

Needtobreathe - "Sittin in the backseat" ... Paul and I just don't have experiences like that... laughing and enjoying life. It's the nature of who we are. Plugged in to these computers. This is why I dream of being with Jeff... he loves the outdoors too. But he's surely slept with people who have been jabbed and he surely takes pharmaceuticals and he definitely goes to the hospital and wants to kill himself... drinking himself to death. He's not well either.

I long for a good, loving, relationship. I will have it. But I must have it with MYSELF. 

Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks" came on.

My creative energy is being siphoned. My vitality is being siphoned. RECLAIM ME. 

My quote of the day is a very good point and reminder:

"The very purpose of religion is to control yourself, not to criticize others. Rather, we must criticize ourselves. How much am I doing about my anger? About my attachment, about my hatred, about my pride, my jealousy? These are the things which we must check in daily life." ~Dalai Lama

So good.

"This is Me" from the "Greatest Showman" soundtrack. Thank you God!!

Just love him well and stick to my guns that we aren't good for each other at this juncture. I want to feel loved and liked. I feel like he doesn't even LIKE me... he isn't attracted to me. There are mind-games. Surely on both sides. We are mirrors. So may he be well and healed. 

Jannelle and Bean were just so kind when I shared my news. Bean offered to buy me a plane ticket to come up and just veg with her. Such love. Jannelle offered a hike. 

Nakho's "Wash It Away" came on.... "it will wash away, lift them up"... "we're a part of something special"...."we are guardians".

Nahko's "Build a Bridge" came on too. These are my heart songs.

Change

Well it's now 11:48pm on 11/12/22... been in some sort of vortex... should have been a good day but it was okay and then turned to hell when we got home at 6pm from shopping in Raleigh.

I'm BEYOND tired and can't even see straight but maybe if I get my thoughts down...since I've been laying in bed awake for 2 hours...maybe then I could get some sleep. Which I wanted to do at 7pm. 

First I need to say that I want to separate in LOVE with Paul. It's just not worked.... it's not been loving or easy. The WORK has been good, but it needs to balance with much more shared joy. Our "happy" has been just "not fighting"... so it was good. No. That's not entirely true. There has been a few moments on the hammock that were happy, or playing with chickens or shopping. Rare times we were in unity.

But it's almost always colored with Paul's victim consciousness and my codependency. 

I think that I must have stayed with Joe way too long and then Tyrone too and now Paul... when will I learn that I'm worth more and that I don't need to do this to myself.... living this way... these people are my "twin flames" or "alien love bite" people.... we are here to learn lessons and if we can learn to love one another well, it could be a beautiful relationship. Even yesterday we went out to eat and to spend money I didn't want to spend on disgusting steak at this run down steak place but Paul wanted to go and I wanted to be with Paul and I like adventure and I just tried to smile and be happy and supportive. Fear arose in me ...and anxiety... seems more shadows always to purge... but I just kept trying to "pivot" and be happy. When we got home he danced with me which was nice. But he kept saying we would make love and that never happens. But he DOES wake up and say "want a milkshake" or some other stupid come on to get me to give him a blow job. 

He doesn't truly see or love ME. I was talking with him the other night about his ex's and his tattoo on his heart about Theresa and asking to cross it off... but he said he never loved anyone else... not Jane his first wife or Julie or Christina. I asked if he loved me and he said something like "somewhat". I think that was it. And I appreciate his honesty. But I have given him my whole heart and he just squanders it. 

He blames me because I keep wanting to break up... I DO....I mean, it's been many months but last week or so I wanted to and I want to now. I don't think a relationship should be so harmful and I don't feel secure or loved or like we can even communicate... we can't. And his passive-aggressive, resentful, rebellion is toxic. Then he gaslights and plays mind games and it's just not good for me. I have to choose ME. I put all my energy into "serving" him... into being loving and kind and "helping" HIM... and it's never good enough. 

He knows I prefer if he use his blinker and he intentionally DOESN'T. Today he put on satan music ... blasted "pray to satan pray to satan pray to satan" just to upset me. He wouldn't let Manson go outside to pee because I wanted to take the dogs out before bed.

All this AFTER I just kept trying to appease his constant "dark portal" nitpicking and made him dinner and watched a show with him (when for hours I said I just wanted to go to bed). I wanted to eat that chicken that I got at Costco as a snack since I hadn't eaten since the frittata I made for breakfast and I was hungry and he wouldn't let me. He tried to take us to fast food and DID take us to get chicken wings and a grocery store which I shouldn't have eaten... I know they were not on our diet...they had sauce that MUST have had poison - sugar and chemicals and probably dairy - in them which I hadn't eaten for 12 days. But I was so hungry... I had been in grocery stores alllll day... from 11am to 5pm and I was HUNGRY. So poison and guilt play a role in my attitude too. 

But he just keeps treating me like crap. He gives me the silent treatment... won't talk to me... maybe it's not the silent treatment... sometimes he just has no conversation. He'll sit through a whole meal without talking. He didn't talk to me on the drive to Raleigh...put on a book on tape... and then tried to do the same on the way home but I wanted to wait until we were out of traffic and also it would be nice to decompress and find out what his thoughts were on the day but he just got mad at me because I asked him to "please wait"... apparently I was "commanding him and telling him what to do" which apparently he has to listen to and he is a victim of my "commanding".

I just want to be done. I love him. God, you KNOW I love him. I want the very best for him. We are a part of one another. I think we have been long before we met and we will probably be long after we separate. But I want to add light and joy to the world and he is using mine up... siphoning... satanic service to self siphoning my life force. 

He doesn't give. He isn't kind. He isn't generous or thoughtful. He is a taker. And I know he's on the path to awakening and I am supposed to hold space so that he can self-actualize and find his own strength and become the magnificent person he is... but in the meantime, I don't think I can do it. I need to hold my OWN strength. He loves Manson the most... he snuggles him and goes to sleep with him. I'm second... and USED... but even with Manson, the one he loves most, he hits him and yells and him and pushes him around. He doesn't care at all what Manson's feelings are. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He spits in his food every time he feeds him. I think he thinks that's cool, but it's gross and Manson doesn't like it. He is just so selfish.

I saw 10:01pm tonight and know that this is a mirror. I'M selfish. I need to let go of myself ... my SELF...  my EGO... and this is here to teach me. But do I become a tortured doormat like Manson? A slave to a user? That's not smart. I want to be in a loving relationship based on trust and mutual respect. 

Paul is a child and wants a servant. He will tell you that. He wants a "helper"...someone whose life revolves around helping him. And he HAS that... HAD that... in me. I get up at 4am to make him breakfast and lunch. I clean the house. I make dinner. I serve his sexual needs. I take care of all the animals. I work and bring home as much or more money. More opportunities. I take care of the garden that he started. I take over chickens when he abandons them. I watch the TV shows he wants to watch. I make him coffee enemas and do his laundry. 

I was giving all this... hoping I was sewing into a tapestry of Unity... hoping we could love one another... that one day he'd SEE ME and love me as a man should. 

I want to separate in love. It's going to hurt...and he's able to move whereever whenever and I'm sure he will use me... leave me the debt on his car (which he's participated in like 2 or 3 payments TOTAL for... I've paid all the rest). I need to manifest that he's going to pay that off. 

But I want to come back to me. Focus on my own work. And my own health and future.

Back to ES community. Back to meditation and healing.

I was not meant to stay with Michael. Michael is a programmed puppet for Q-anon and it's SO SO sad...the prideful arrogance with which he communicates to people ... "oh you don't know... tomorrow Trump is going to give you a gazillion dollars... this person is an actor... blah blah"... it's surreal and I used to think it was positive but it's not anymore... it's arrogant delusion. I couldn't be with that... on top of the misogynistic YHVH matrix that he so strongly peddled and believed in.

BUT he's human and kind and thoughtful and compassionate. You can talk to him and he cares. I want to be with someone like that. (Just not Michael.) I think Michael experienced me like I experience Paul. He's lazy and does as little as possible... he expects me to serve him. I think because of my fear and anxiety which drove my percieved "sickness", I "needed" Michael to serve me...but it was too much. One needs a balanced relationship.

But Paul is always making digs about Michael...he's so jealous of him and I am hardly friends with him... hardly spend time with him. But even today when I asked if I should wear a ring to the stores (I was having tingling on that finger again), Paul said it was appropriate because my heart belonged to someone... or something like that...which I know he was talking about Michael. There are always these backhanded comments and digs. (IF he speaks. A lot of the time he just withholds and is bitter. I'd rather him aire it.)

Anyway... how can we separate in love? How can I remind him how much I appreciate and honor him and not get into the weeds with blame and V/V? Be present. 

Truth. Where is the truth?

I'm living a lie. TRYING STRIVING to love Paul and under some layers it seems reciprocated... the other day I felt love as I hugged him.  That's what I don't want to give up on. I feel like it's part of my "mission"...to "save" and help my "divine beloved" ... "rescue" the "fallen angelic consciousness". Help him see the LIGHT and turn from satanism. 

This is "hero-savior" mentality. But is it true too?

Paul will not look at his own behavior. He does not apologize. I remember one time that he did and it was mind-blowing! He digs at me to "tell him what I perceive as wrong" and then he play the victim game. So many games. So many games.

Anyway... it's just not going to work. At some point I pray he will step into his masculinity and open his heart to include his personal heirogamic union (masculine and feminine energies)... but I need to do that myself. I've backslidden in this relationship and tonight I was feeling really tortured and triggered and like that time Tyrone was doing that to me to try to kill me... to spike my anxiety... I had so much emotion... and I threw my phone. I don't want to be like this. It's not how I want to feel or live. And this person doesn't love me if he tries to bring me to that. There wasn't love. Just poking. Pressing my buttons. How far can he take it. I felt his satisfaction when after 3 hours of torture I blew my lid and just start spilling all the things I was trying to hold in. I was trying NOT to tell him what "he did wrong"... he kept asking but I said it's not what my perception is that matters. He needed to go inward and see if there was anything... the passive aggresive stuff is all over the place... it's toxic and I'm tired of trying to coddle him.

No, Jeff is NOT right for me. I may have fantasized about a relationship with someone who could love me but Jeff can't either... he's sick and killing himself. He's a broken bird too. I want someone strong and who wants to anchor the masculine energy - providing structure, protection, safety, provision, and purpose. 

I need to be on my own. Learn to love myself. Heal my own body, mind, and soul and vibrate in a way that supports the ascension of the earth. I need to find my own strength and health and path and belief system. I need peace. I need to be by myself. I want to learn how to pleasure myself. I thought Paul was going to help with opening my sexuality but it's not worked like that. He just wants to use me for his pleasure and blow jobs.... mostly blow jobs....and is only satisfied if I swallow which I HATE. He doesn't respect me at all. 

So just recognize it's not right. We can serve each other better separate. Maybe down the road if we both heal up some stuff, maybe ... but probably not. He's from a different type of people... he swears and talks about drugs with his kids. He smiles proudly when his daughter talks about having "the next guy suck her heart out of her pussy" or something like that. He says he wants to do more... be an author, get a new job...but he puts it off and off and excuses and excuses and he doesn't value himself. 

I'm the same in that value thing too... but I am ready to own myself. 

Separation is going to hurt. But it's time. I've tried so so so hard. I've given so much to this. 

But I want to separate with presence and peace and love and wish him the best. Does he move or do I? Last time we talked about it, he said he's going to go be homeless again. He makes enough to rent a place but he just want to perpetuate this poverty consciousness. It's sickness....and he doesn't care enough about Manson to not do that and it breaks my heart.

In all of this he just won't take responsibility for his life. He makes me make all the decisions. I say "please... it's up to you!!" and he just keeps asking me to decide and then he blames me for his situation. "I never get to do anything to get ahead"...but he spends 5+ hours on his cell phone playing games. 

It's just not for me. He's not my kind of guy. Satanism. No thank you. Anarchy... maybe, in love. Wasting so much time on social media and games, nope. He's not driven or motiviated... he just hides behind reading (listening) to more and more books. The more he listens, the less he has to DO. Just keep learning... never doing. He has some book and a meditaiton program he's been putting off for months and says he has to read that before finding out how much he could get for a home loan.

It's perfect because we don't need a loan or home together. 
Thank you God.
I'm done. 
I don't know how it's going to unfold but it will. 
May it be in LOVE. May I build him UP. 
But this isn't the kind of life I want. He isn't the kind of person I want. 
I need to BE the kind of person I want and I WAS...but in the last year I feel that I've been SO SIPHONED. Used. and my body and soul have become sick. I have a belt on me and will get pulled out of this metatronic reversal.... I will get better. I'm grateful for the experience. I love Paul SO MUCH... but we just can't be a couple. We aren't good for one another. He feels like I "command" him (and ultimately usurp his authority) and I feel like he doesn't "command" anything and is a weak user that I have to coddle and play this game of humble servant to try to build up... but it's an act. I'm "helping" as a form of control to try to inspire him to "man-up". 

I just want to be free to be me without someone judging me as not good enough. He doesn't like the way I dress or look. He doesn't like the way I talk. I don't meet his sexual needs (blow job every day please). He likes the warm body who does all the stuff for him, but even after a year he "somewhat" loves me. And it's just not working. We are gluttonous and wasteful with money together. We are twin flames. And it's been an important relationship. Lots of beautiful experiences. Lots of heartache. Lots of growth. Lots of backsliding. And I think God.

But it's time. 
Okay... now it's 12:51am. Maybe I can try to go to sleep now. We'll see. 
I LOVE YOU CARISSA....CRISTY.

Lunar Eclipse

Well that feels strange and neat! I've just spent the last hour - hour and a half with the lunar eclipse. Apparently the last one for the next 3 years. What's especially strange is that the moon never came back... it is still shadowed and has been for about an hour. The sun is coming up now and the sky is getting lighter and the moon is close to "setting" and it's still got a shadow cover on it. 

Had some beautiful moments as it was initially eclipsing... prayers for self and family and friends and connection to source. Especially moving time working with Kirk's energy, sending love and intentions for clearing and healing and Mother Arc. 

It's been hot out but now it's getting chilly... the wind picked up a lot during the eclipse.

It's so pretty and surreal out.

My intentions are to clear my own shadow... my fear, control, codependency, and lunar distortions/influence. I want to be a clear light vessel to anchor God's krystal frequency on this earth plane. This precious and beautiful being we are a part of. 

This morning I saw 8/4:44 and 8/6:00 ... it's 8/6:04 now.  

Yep, I never saw it uncover. I'm going to count that as a blessing... that lunar influences are no longer a thing for me... the false magnetism is disengaged and we are no longer affected by "rogue" interaction using the moon. Karmic clearing indeed. :)

*ding dong the witch is dead!*

I've become very dehydrated during these lunar eclipse hours too. Strange.

___

post in ESF... I haven't posted for months... just dipping my toes in:

I guess that was a LONG eclipse!? Is it usually that long? I thought I had witnessed something WILD this morning as I watched the eclipsing of the moon which didn't seem to take that long... in my mind it seems like about a half hour.... maybe a little longer for it to go from full and bright to covered. (I used that time to feel into and intend to release lunar-related distortions and miasma. A friend said it was a beautiful time to release "karmic residue"... I liked that... so intentions to really clear fear, control-dramas, and codependency were at the top of the heap for me. But I also took the time to reflect on and pray for loved ones (including the precious soul family I've found here in ESF).)

What was weird and kept feeling weirder and weirder to me, was that the moon never uncovered! I'm on the east coast of the US in North Carolina and that thing stayed covered for at least an hour and then the sun came up and the covered moon set behind the tree line and I never saw it uncover! It was WILD!!!! I thought I had definitely witnessed a miracle and a "sign" that the false magnetism from the moon is now covered in perpetuity and I will have freedom from lunar influence! MAY IT BE SO!

Amazing how powerful the energies are that go with moon-stuff. Maybe it's the storm coming in from the Atlantic but as the eclipse begun, it started getting windy and cold here and you could just feel an energetic shift happening. Physically in my body I have been feeling a lot more left side stuff going on since this morning... spleen and left knee (crux implants) action, left ear clogging, left upper arm squeezing, and potentially some transits.

Thank you for the thread and resources Anastasia!

Love and solidarity,
Carissa

____

I saw this afternoon that I saw Kirk's message about the suicide thing maybe even the day of...could I have saved him??... no. Anyway... I saw it on Instagram and said "Kirk" with the two eyes emoji... like "WHAT IS THIS?" I had engaged... but I didn't realize that that was "IT". I didn't realize he died until 2 weeks later. I'm still so sad about it. I need to copy our Telegram chats. I loved him so much. I still do. Today I'm feeling him a lot. I had a bit of a cry/release in the hammock this afteroon. I have grief to process. And it ties in to trying to understand starseed lives and what we're doing here. I mean... there's much to learn and understand and I thank God for the opportunity.

My spleen has been bugging me. It actually started yesterday, the spleen part. The other stuff started today. I'm probably just detoxing something out of my spleen. Take care of your sweet body, Carissa. Thank you Body. I love you. I want to take care of you. You are my friend.

Feel.

Love.

Mess yesterday

11/2 11:11 12:12 12:13 4:44 5:55 15:55 

____

18:08 
I'm tired of the mind games.

I'm tired of the lunar distortions.

This person doesn't love me.

He can't even say goodnight. 

8:17

Songs of Sophia comfort my ruffled heart. This man treats me like this because he is weak. He says "I'm mad at him" or whatever and so that's his reason for not saying goodnight or having any common kindness. I wasn't mad at him. I was disappointed that he wasted over an hour on this video game (Clash of Clans with Corie's family)... when he said he was going to read with me. At least to go to bed on time. But I had to try to break him out of it a couple times. It's just not aligned with my belief system. At dinner my "gratitude" was for the place of peace that our home was becoming. I loved that we ate withough the TV on and we ate healthy food... and then we spent time in the hammock the last two days and some time with the animals. Paul playing with his drone and taking the dogs on a short walk. I wanted to go clean up that refridgerator drawer out of the pond and got some other garbage too. It was a beautiful colorful autumn night and sunset and just lovely... until we went in and he got on that video game.

I tried not to "control him" by changing him or saying anything but after an hour of being on there and a half hour past our bedtime and then he didn't even take care of his teeth... I mentioned it so he would but he just didn't care because he was saturated in that poison from that game. This is INORGANIC and not my deal.... I want ORGANIC and LOVE. 

And if there is division when we are going to bed, I want to resolve it. He doesn't care. He just doesn't care about my feelings. He prefers to stew in his own. 

And it triggers some narsicssitic rage and lunar crap in me. Instead of going to bed with the discomfort, I turned the light back on to try to "pop the pimple" ... to take away the discomfort. To talk it out... and then I end up pushing him away... go sleep in the other room... push. I stopped myself. But I am just heartbroken. I thought we were making such progress. Had such a beautiful conversation with Rosemary today about how we are choosing to love eachother into healing... 

But not when things are hard apparently. I need to learn how to sit with the discomfort. I need to feel the narcissistic rage and just let it rise and fall. I can't control others. I can only control myself. If I don't like being treated like this, I can change it. I can change MY OWN circumstances... how I react. How I feel. And if I don't want to be in a relationship with somoene like this, I can change it. 

And I don't. 
I don't want to be a loser who treats people poorly. I don't accept lack of kindness and love. I don't accept going to sleep "divided" for whatever reason. If my supposed partner loves me, he wouldn't want that either. But Paul doesn't care. Or his self-pity and delusions of my "anger" are so stron g

.... 
Paul was sitting there. We talked. It's exhausting. But this is the work.

It's 11/3 at 4:22...no, now 4:46. Yeff just sent me a "we should have sex" text, ha! Jeez. He doesn't understand the depths and intracacies of energetic life either. Paul is a real gift to my life with his multidimensionality, even if he doesn't know it. 

I choose Paul.

I want the highest and best expression and healing in my life. 
I want love, adventure, health, joy, illumination, and the pursuit of happiness and peace.

Jeff was my childhood love... and it's amazing that we didn't have sex before. It's divine design. But he is super messed up too... addiction program has got him. He doesn't have the consciousness connection to see he offered that in response to my talking about being healthy... he wants that too in a way. He is like a caveman, in a way. But I also have created many timelines in my heart with him... us living in the woods with our dogs and Sioux in the barn with his Mom's horse. Adventures hiking. But he is addicted to drugs and alcohol (as far as I know)...and I'm sure he's had sex with people who have had the jab. And he's always been scared of committment. And he's so wounded from Suchira. I'd love to love on his kids with him - Uma and Ishan. But Paul is my guy. This is like that holographic insert of the plane accident... it's not real and it's designed to throw me off.

I choose Paul.

God brought Paul and I together and knit our architecture together. We feel one another. We are supposed to be healing one another in love. This is a trick designed to keep me questioning our relationship. Especially on the heels of a blowout like last night. See it. And I need to open another journal thread. Yeah. Let me move this....

11/3 5:00

444, Kirk, and what did I see?

I saw 444 this morning...and saw it again when looking through old threads of Kirk's and my conversation. Yesterday I forgot to note 333.

It's 11/01/2022 and started with the Universe showing me that Kirk Kahn died. He died ... pills or suicide ... "mental illness" on October 16. There was a celebration of life on the 22nd. He would have loved that date...10/22/2022 which was also Lisa's birthday. 

I've been feeling into this much of the morning. I started to do the Safe Passage for him earlier but the time wasn't right. I had to wait until daylight, I believe. I started to get scared that the Ai disortions were going to stick to me so I had to do the HGS Calibration, rest, eat/be nourished, walk, and THEN do it and it went well. I guess it was announced in ES by someone who is connected to him on FB on the 17th but I didn't see it. Today was the day. "All Saints Day". The day that someone who loved him (me) could ask Holy Mother and Holy Father to hold their Aqua and White portals over Kirk's energetic residence in the Bronx, NY and clean/heal the land. Oh God, please comfort... I was going to say "comfort Kirk", but he's free and better and IS GOD and out of the hell of that body. Do I see though? The pharmaceutical and drugs (marijuana - yes. It IS a drug to us.)... what it does. Even to someone so brilliant and tapped in to Krystic energy??

The torture of going against our own soul.... the light was so bright and he just kept choosing death... making excuses. Judgment. ego. He could see but he had blinders on too. The Ai machine... like what I saw yesterday with Michael's earphones... it's just eating us alive. Kirk came to feel into this and he sure did... he explored so many levels and layers of Ai and programming and religion and had a really epic consciousness adventure. But there was much sadness and loneliness and self-hatred and also tried to off-set it with cleanses and being a breathatarian. But he just wanted to be loved. And struggled with the luciferian abyss (as I do). 

Prayers for his family. He was always spreading vitriol about hating his Mom but he didn't really... he was working with "dark mother" energy ... to explore these polarities. 

11/1 12:44
12:34
SO MANY NUMBERS TODAY.

I did the "Protection" YoQi too which I am happy about. I DID do the safe passage for Kirk. Feels like I have more processing to do ... but no pressure. 

I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday. A very strange thing. Attack? Ai?

Braden, Yasmin, and Davin were all flying back from going to the Buffalo Bills game the following day in Buffalo. Braden was flying his plane. The following week I downloaded one of those apps where you could tell where the plane was...whether it landed and the times and it even had a "live" option. I had put off getting that app but was feeling like a burden waiting for others to tell me Braden was safe and he had been jet-setting around the country like a mad-man. 

So yesterday I assumed he was already home in Dallas and I logged on to my device at around 4:09... it said that he had NOT landed and was like one minute away from landing. I was like "whoa! how about that timing??"... so I clicked on the option to watch him live. I saw he was going 100 knots and then 90 knots and then he was landing at the airport. He was lined up on the runway and I expected it to end there... but his plane didn't end up stopping... it kept going. And I don't know if it was red already or if it turned red at that time. (It had been gold the rest of the day and all the planes were gold.) But it looked like he kept flying through the airport and went a bit longer... red...and then stopped in a neighborhood with some houses. It looked like he landed on a house. And the plane just stopped there. And stayed red. There were dotted lines from the airport to there... they had flown over a beltline and into a neighborhood and stopped. They were supposed to land at 3:10CST and kept flying and then it said they landed at 3:11CST. At the houses. It was red. And it said "landed" and that was it. 

I lost my mind! I thought I had witnessed them have an emergency and crash. 
I called my Mom to go to that road "Ben something" that they were on. 
She said they were fine. 
I did not think so. I had big heavy energy on the top of my head and I was panicking and scared and asking God to please save them, to please keep them safe! Could they have crash landed and been okay?? Were there airbags? 90 knots... I don't know what that is... is that fast? It was so scary!!

Finally a few minutes later Paul suggested I try to call Braden. I didn't want to disturb them if they crashed but he was right so I did. It went to voicemail. So I tried Davin... and he picked up!!! He asked if he could call me back because they were putting the plane away! WHAT!?? THANKS BE TO GOD!!!!!

They were okay. 
Thank you God.

But what did I see? What was that? Why did I happen to log on JUST at that moment they were landing and WHY did it show me that horror show? It was like a waking Ai script or astral distortion but I was awake and it was working within my technology. I can't figure it out. 

What is real?

Was it a timeline that was collapsed? Was it a clone? A glitch in the matrix? A miracle? All of the above?!

I'm tripping out a bit.
None of this is real.
I am clinging to Paul. I'm grateful for our life and family and plants and home and love. 
People will die. 

But no one really dies.
What did I see?

It's all just crazy!

Today we started Whole30. I need to eat something. 

1:11 (on 1/11)
13:13/1

13:33/1