I'm BEYOND tired and can't even see straight but maybe if I get my thoughts down...since I've been laying in bed awake for 2 hours...maybe then I could get some sleep. Which I wanted to do at 7pm.
First I need to say that I want to separate in LOVE with Paul. It's just not worked.... it's not been loving or easy. The WORK has been good, but it needs to balance with much more shared joy. Our "happy" has been just "not fighting"... so it was good. No. That's not entirely true. There has been a few moments on the hammock that were happy, or playing with chickens or shopping. Rare times we were in unity.
But it's almost always colored with Paul's victim consciousness and my codependency.
I think that I must have stayed with Joe way too long and then Tyrone too and now Paul... when will I learn that I'm worth more and that I don't need to do this to myself.... living this way... these people are my "twin flames" or "alien love bite" people.... we are here to learn lessons and if we can learn to love one another well, it could be a beautiful relationship. Even yesterday we went out to eat and to spend money I didn't want to spend on disgusting steak at this run down steak place but Paul wanted to go and I wanted to be with Paul and I like adventure and I just tried to smile and be happy and supportive. Fear arose in me ...and anxiety... seems more shadows always to purge... but I just kept trying to "pivot" and be happy. When we got home he danced with me which was nice. But he kept saying we would make love and that never happens. But he DOES wake up and say "want a milkshake" or some other stupid come on to get me to give him a blow job.
He doesn't truly see or love ME. I was talking with him the other night about his ex's and his tattoo on his heart about Theresa and asking to cross it off... but he said he never loved anyone else... not Jane his first wife or Julie or Christina. I asked if he loved me and he said something like "somewhat". I think that was it. And I appreciate his honesty. But I have given him my whole heart and he just squanders it.
He blames me because I keep wanting to break up... I DO....I mean, it's been many months but last week or so I wanted to and I want to now. I don't think a relationship should be so harmful and I don't feel secure or loved or like we can even communicate... we can't. And his passive-aggressive, resentful, rebellion is toxic. Then he gaslights and plays mind games and it's just not good for me. I have to choose ME. I put all my energy into "serving" him... into being loving and kind and "helping" HIM... and it's never good enough.
He knows I prefer if he use his blinker and he intentionally DOESN'T. Today he put on satan music ... blasted "pray to satan pray to satan pray to satan" just to upset me. He wouldn't let Manson go outside to pee because I wanted to take the dogs out before bed.
All this AFTER I just kept trying to appease his constant "dark portal" nitpicking and made him dinner and watched a show with him (when for hours I said I just wanted to go to bed). I wanted to eat that chicken that I got at Costco as a snack since I hadn't eaten since the frittata I made for breakfast and I was hungry and he wouldn't let me. He tried to take us to fast food and DID take us to get chicken wings and a grocery store which I shouldn't have eaten... I know they were not on our diet...they had sauce that MUST have had poison - sugar and chemicals and probably dairy - in them which I hadn't eaten for 12 days. But I was so hungry... I had been in grocery stores alllll day... from 11am to 5pm and I was HUNGRY. So poison and guilt play a role in my attitude too.
But he just keeps treating me like crap. He gives me the silent treatment... won't talk to me... maybe it's not the silent treatment... sometimes he just has no conversation. He'll sit through a whole meal without talking. He didn't talk to me on the drive to Raleigh...put on a book on tape... and then tried to do the same on the way home but I wanted to wait until we were out of traffic and also it would be nice to decompress and find out what his thoughts were on the day but he just got mad at me because I asked him to "please wait"... apparently I was "commanding him and telling him what to do" which apparently he has to listen to and he is a victim of my "commanding".
I just want to be done. I love him. God, you KNOW I love him. I want the very best for him. We are a part of one another. I think we have been long before we met and we will probably be long after we separate. But I want to add light and joy to the world and he is using mine up... siphoning... satanic service to self siphoning my life force.
He doesn't give. He isn't kind. He isn't generous or thoughtful. He is a taker. And I know he's on the path to awakening and I am supposed to hold space so that he can self-actualize and find his own strength and become the magnificent person he is... but in the meantime, I don't think I can do it. I need to hold my OWN strength. He loves Manson the most... he snuggles him and goes to sleep with him. I'm second... and USED... but even with Manson, the one he loves most, he hits him and yells and him and pushes him around. He doesn't care at all what Manson's feelings are. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He spits in his food every time he feeds him. I think he thinks that's cool, but it's gross and Manson doesn't like it. He is just so selfish.
I saw 10:01pm tonight and know that this is a mirror. I'M selfish. I need to let go of myself ... my SELF... my EGO... and this is here to teach me. But do I become a tortured doormat like Manson? A slave to a user? That's not smart. I want to be in a loving relationship based on trust and mutual respect.
Paul is a child and wants a servant. He will tell you that. He wants a "helper"...someone whose life revolves around helping him. And he HAS that... HAD that... in me. I get up at 4am to make him breakfast and lunch. I clean the house. I make dinner. I serve his sexual needs. I take care of all the animals. I work and bring home as much or more money. More opportunities. I take care of the garden that he started. I take over chickens when he abandons them. I watch the TV shows he wants to watch. I make him coffee enemas and do his laundry.
I was giving all this... hoping I was sewing into a tapestry of Unity... hoping we could love one another... that one day he'd SEE ME and love me as a man should.
I want to separate in love. It's going to hurt...and he's able to move whereever whenever and I'm sure he will use me... leave me the debt on his car (which he's participated in like 2 or 3 payments TOTAL for... I've paid all the rest). I need to manifest that he's going to pay that off.
But I want to come back to me. Focus on my own work. And my own health and future.
Back to ES community. Back to meditation and healing.
I was not meant to stay with Michael. Michael is a programmed puppet for Q-anon and it's SO SO sad...the prideful arrogance with which he communicates to people ... "oh you don't know... tomorrow Trump is going to give you a gazillion dollars... this person is an actor... blah blah"... it's surreal and I used to think it was positive but it's not anymore... it's arrogant delusion. I couldn't be with that... on top of the misogynistic YHVH matrix that he so strongly peddled and believed in.
BUT he's human and kind and thoughtful and compassionate. You can talk to him and he cares. I want to be with someone like that. (Just not Michael.) I think Michael experienced me like I experience Paul. He's lazy and does as little as possible... he expects me to serve him. I think because of my fear and anxiety which drove my percieved "sickness", I "needed" Michael to serve me...but it was too much. One needs a balanced relationship.
But Paul is always making digs about Michael...he's so jealous of him and I am hardly friends with him... hardly spend time with him. But even today when I asked if I should wear a ring to the stores (I was having tingling on that finger again), Paul said it was appropriate because my heart belonged to someone... or something like that...which I know he was talking about Michael. There are always these backhanded comments and digs. (IF he speaks. A lot of the time he just withholds and is bitter. I'd rather him aire it.)
Anyway... how can we separate in love? How can I remind him how much I appreciate and honor him and not get into the weeds with blame and V/V? Be present.
Truth. Where is the truth?
But it's almost always colored with Paul's victim consciousness and my codependency.
I think that I must have stayed with Joe way too long and then Tyrone too and now Paul... when will I learn that I'm worth more and that I don't need to do this to myself.... living this way... these people are my "twin flames" or "alien love bite" people.... we are here to learn lessons and if we can learn to love one another well, it could be a beautiful relationship. Even yesterday we went out to eat and to spend money I didn't want to spend on disgusting steak at this run down steak place but Paul wanted to go and I wanted to be with Paul and I like adventure and I just tried to smile and be happy and supportive. Fear arose in me ...and anxiety... seems more shadows always to purge... but I just kept trying to "pivot" and be happy. When we got home he danced with me which was nice. But he kept saying we would make love and that never happens. But he DOES wake up and say "want a milkshake" or some other stupid come on to get me to give him a blow job.
He doesn't truly see or love ME. I was talking with him the other night about his ex's and his tattoo on his heart about Theresa and asking to cross it off... but he said he never loved anyone else... not Jane his first wife or Julie or Christina. I asked if he loved me and he said something like "somewhat". I think that was it. And I appreciate his honesty. But I have given him my whole heart and he just squanders it.
He blames me because I keep wanting to break up... I DO....I mean, it's been many months but last week or so I wanted to and I want to now. I don't think a relationship should be so harmful and I don't feel secure or loved or like we can even communicate... we can't. And his passive-aggressive, resentful, rebellion is toxic. Then he gaslights and plays mind games and it's just not good for me. I have to choose ME. I put all my energy into "serving" him... into being loving and kind and "helping" HIM... and it's never good enough.
He knows I prefer if he use his blinker and he intentionally DOESN'T. Today he put on satan music ... blasted "pray to satan pray to satan pray to satan" just to upset me. He wouldn't let Manson go outside to pee because I wanted to take the dogs out before bed.
All this AFTER I just kept trying to appease his constant "dark portal" nitpicking and made him dinner and watched a show with him (when for hours I said I just wanted to go to bed). I wanted to eat that chicken that I got at Costco as a snack since I hadn't eaten since the frittata I made for breakfast and I was hungry and he wouldn't let me. He tried to take us to fast food and DID take us to get chicken wings and a grocery store which I shouldn't have eaten... I know they were not on our diet...they had sauce that MUST have had poison - sugar and chemicals and probably dairy - in them which I hadn't eaten for 12 days. But I was so hungry... I had been in grocery stores alllll day... from 11am to 5pm and I was HUNGRY. So poison and guilt play a role in my attitude too.
But he just keeps treating me like crap. He gives me the silent treatment... won't talk to me... maybe it's not the silent treatment... sometimes he just has no conversation. He'll sit through a whole meal without talking. He didn't talk to me on the drive to Raleigh...put on a book on tape... and then tried to do the same on the way home but I wanted to wait until we were out of traffic and also it would be nice to decompress and find out what his thoughts were on the day but he just got mad at me because I asked him to "please wait"... apparently I was "commanding him and telling him what to do" which apparently he has to listen to and he is a victim of my "commanding".
I just want to be done. I love him. God, you KNOW I love him. I want the very best for him. We are a part of one another. I think we have been long before we met and we will probably be long after we separate. But I want to add light and joy to the world and he is using mine up... siphoning... satanic service to self siphoning my life force.
He doesn't give. He isn't kind. He isn't generous or thoughtful. He is a taker. And I know he's on the path to awakening and I am supposed to hold space so that he can self-actualize and find his own strength and become the magnificent person he is... but in the meantime, I don't think I can do it. I need to hold my OWN strength. He loves Manson the most... he snuggles him and goes to sleep with him. I'm second... and USED... but even with Manson, the one he loves most, he hits him and yells and him and pushes him around. He doesn't care at all what Manson's feelings are. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He spits in his food every time he feeds him. I think he thinks that's cool, but it's gross and Manson doesn't like it. He is just so selfish.
I saw 10:01pm tonight and know that this is a mirror. I'M selfish. I need to let go of myself ... my SELF... my EGO... and this is here to teach me. But do I become a tortured doormat like Manson? A slave to a user? That's not smart. I want to be in a loving relationship based on trust and mutual respect.
Paul is a child and wants a servant. He will tell you that. He wants a "helper"...someone whose life revolves around helping him. And he HAS that... HAD that... in me. I get up at 4am to make him breakfast and lunch. I clean the house. I make dinner. I serve his sexual needs. I take care of all the animals. I work and bring home as much or more money. More opportunities. I take care of the garden that he started. I take over chickens when he abandons them. I watch the TV shows he wants to watch. I make him coffee enemas and do his laundry.
I was giving all this... hoping I was sewing into a tapestry of Unity... hoping we could love one another... that one day he'd SEE ME and love me as a man should.
I want to separate in love. It's going to hurt...and he's able to move whereever whenever and I'm sure he will use me... leave me the debt on his car (which he's participated in like 2 or 3 payments TOTAL for... I've paid all the rest). I need to manifest that he's going to pay that off.
But I want to come back to me. Focus on my own work. And my own health and future.
Back to ES community. Back to meditation and healing.
I was not meant to stay with Michael. Michael is a programmed puppet for Q-anon and it's SO SO sad...the prideful arrogance with which he communicates to people ... "oh you don't know... tomorrow Trump is going to give you a gazillion dollars... this person is an actor... blah blah"... it's surreal and I used to think it was positive but it's not anymore... it's arrogant delusion. I couldn't be with that... on top of the misogynistic YHVH matrix that he so strongly peddled and believed in.
BUT he's human and kind and thoughtful and compassionate. You can talk to him and he cares. I want to be with someone like that. (Just not Michael.) I think Michael experienced me like I experience Paul. He's lazy and does as little as possible... he expects me to serve him. I think because of my fear and anxiety which drove my percieved "sickness", I "needed" Michael to serve me...but it was too much. One needs a balanced relationship.
But Paul is always making digs about Michael...he's so jealous of him and I am hardly friends with him... hardly spend time with him. But even today when I asked if I should wear a ring to the stores (I was having tingling on that finger again), Paul said it was appropriate because my heart belonged to someone... or something like that...which I know he was talking about Michael. There are always these backhanded comments and digs. (IF he speaks. A lot of the time he just withholds and is bitter. I'd rather him aire it.)
Anyway... how can we separate in love? How can I remind him how much I appreciate and honor him and not get into the weeds with blame and V/V? Be present.
Truth. Where is the truth?
I'm living a lie. TRYING STRIVING to love Paul and under some layers it seems reciprocated... the other day I felt love as I hugged him. That's what I don't want to give up on. I feel like it's part of my "mission"...to "save" and help my "divine beloved" ... "rescue" the "fallen angelic consciousness". Help him see the LIGHT and turn from satanism.
This is "hero-savior" mentality. But is it true too?
Paul will not look at his own behavior. He does not apologize. I remember one time that he did and it was mind-blowing! He digs at me to "tell him what I perceive as wrong" and then he play the victim game. So many games. So many games.
Anyway... it's just not going to work. At some point I pray he will step into his masculinity and open his heart to include his personal heirogamic union (masculine and feminine energies)... but I need to do that myself. I've backslidden in this relationship and tonight I was feeling really tortured and triggered and like that time Tyrone was doing that to me to try to kill me... to spike my anxiety... I had so much emotion... and I threw my phone. I don't want to be like this. It's not how I want to feel or live. And this person doesn't love me if he tries to bring me to that. There wasn't love. Just poking. Pressing my buttons. How far can he take it. I felt his satisfaction when after 3 hours of torture I blew my lid and just start spilling all the things I was trying to hold in. I was trying NOT to tell him what "he did wrong"... he kept asking but I said it's not what my perception is that matters. He needed to go inward and see if there was anything... the passive aggresive stuff is all over the place... it's toxic and I'm tired of trying to coddle him.
No, Jeff is NOT right for me. I may have fantasized about a relationship with someone who could love me but Jeff can't either... he's sick and killing himself. He's a broken bird too. I want someone strong and who wants to anchor the masculine energy - providing structure, protection, safety, provision, and purpose.
I need to be on my own. Learn to love myself. Heal my own body, mind, and soul and vibrate in a way that supports the ascension of the earth. I need to find my own strength and health and path and belief system. I need peace. I need to be by myself. I want to learn how to pleasure myself. I thought Paul was going to help with opening my sexuality but it's not worked like that. He just wants to use me for his pleasure and blow jobs.... mostly blow jobs....and is only satisfied if I swallow which I HATE. He doesn't respect me at all.
So just recognize it's not right. We can serve each other better separate. Maybe down the road if we both heal up some stuff, maybe ... but probably not. He's from a different type of people... he swears and talks about drugs with his kids. He smiles proudly when his daughter talks about having "the next guy suck her heart out of her pussy" or something like that. He says he wants to do more... be an author, get a new job...but he puts it off and off and excuses and excuses and he doesn't value himself.
I'm the same in that value thing too... but I am ready to own myself.
Separation is going to hurt. But it's time. I've tried so so so hard. I've given so much to this.
But I want to separate with presence and peace and love and wish him the best. Does he move or do I? Last time we talked about it, he said he's going to go be homeless again. He makes enough to rent a place but he just want to perpetuate this poverty consciousness. It's sickness....and he doesn't care enough about Manson to not do that and it breaks my heart.
In all of this he just won't take responsibility for his life. He makes me make all the decisions. I say "please... it's up to you!!" and he just keeps asking me to decide and then he blames me for his situation. "I never get to do anything to get ahead"...but he spends 5+ hours on his cell phone playing games.
It's just not for me. He's not my kind of guy. Satanism. No thank you. Anarchy... maybe, in love. Wasting so much time on social media and games, nope. He's not driven or motiviated... he just hides behind reading (listening) to more and more books. The more he listens, the less he has to DO. Just keep learning... never doing. He has some book and a meditaiton program he's been putting off for months and says he has to read that before finding out how much he could get for a home loan.
It's perfect because we don't need a loan or home together.
Thank you God.
I'm done.
I don't know how it's going to unfold but it will.
May it be in LOVE. May I build him UP.
But this isn't the kind of life I want. He isn't the kind of person I want.
I need to BE the kind of person I want and I WAS...but in the last year I feel that I've been SO SIPHONED. Used. and my body and soul have become sick. I have a belt on me and will get pulled out of this metatronic reversal.... I will get better. I'm grateful for the experience. I love Paul SO MUCH... but we just can't be a couple. We aren't good for one another. He feels like I "command" him (and ultimately usurp his authority) and I feel like he doesn't "command" anything and is a weak user that I have to coddle and play this game of humble servant to try to build up... but it's an act. I'm "helping" as a form of control to try to inspire him to "man-up".
I just want to be free to be me without someone judging me as not good enough. He doesn't like the way I dress or look. He doesn't like the way I talk. I don't meet his sexual needs (blow job every day please). He likes the warm body who does all the stuff for him, but even after a year he "somewhat" loves me. And it's just not working. We are gluttonous and wasteful with money together. We are twin flames. And it's been an important relationship. Lots of beautiful experiences. Lots of heartache. Lots of growth. Lots of backsliding. And I think God.
But it's time.
Okay... now it's 12:51am. Maybe I can try to go to sleep now. We'll see.
I LOVE YOU CARISSA....CRISTY.
This is "hero-savior" mentality. But is it true too?
Paul will not look at his own behavior. He does not apologize. I remember one time that he did and it was mind-blowing! He digs at me to "tell him what I perceive as wrong" and then he play the victim game. So many games. So many games.
Anyway... it's just not going to work. At some point I pray he will step into his masculinity and open his heart to include his personal heirogamic union (masculine and feminine energies)... but I need to do that myself. I've backslidden in this relationship and tonight I was feeling really tortured and triggered and like that time Tyrone was doing that to me to try to kill me... to spike my anxiety... I had so much emotion... and I threw my phone. I don't want to be like this. It's not how I want to feel or live. And this person doesn't love me if he tries to bring me to that. There wasn't love. Just poking. Pressing my buttons. How far can he take it. I felt his satisfaction when after 3 hours of torture I blew my lid and just start spilling all the things I was trying to hold in. I was trying NOT to tell him what "he did wrong"... he kept asking but I said it's not what my perception is that matters. He needed to go inward and see if there was anything... the passive aggresive stuff is all over the place... it's toxic and I'm tired of trying to coddle him.
No, Jeff is NOT right for me. I may have fantasized about a relationship with someone who could love me but Jeff can't either... he's sick and killing himself. He's a broken bird too. I want someone strong and who wants to anchor the masculine energy - providing structure, protection, safety, provision, and purpose.
I need to be on my own. Learn to love myself. Heal my own body, mind, and soul and vibrate in a way that supports the ascension of the earth. I need to find my own strength and health and path and belief system. I need peace. I need to be by myself. I want to learn how to pleasure myself. I thought Paul was going to help with opening my sexuality but it's not worked like that. He just wants to use me for his pleasure and blow jobs.... mostly blow jobs....and is only satisfied if I swallow which I HATE. He doesn't respect me at all.
So just recognize it's not right. We can serve each other better separate. Maybe down the road if we both heal up some stuff, maybe ... but probably not. He's from a different type of people... he swears and talks about drugs with his kids. He smiles proudly when his daughter talks about having "the next guy suck her heart out of her pussy" or something like that. He says he wants to do more... be an author, get a new job...but he puts it off and off and excuses and excuses and he doesn't value himself.
I'm the same in that value thing too... but I am ready to own myself.
Separation is going to hurt. But it's time. I've tried so so so hard. I've given so much to this.
But I want to separate with presence and peace and love and wish him the best. Does he move or do I? Last time we talked about it, he said he's going to go be homeless again. He makes enough to rent a place but he just want to perpetuate this poverty consciousness. It's sickness....and he doesn't care enough about Manson to not do that and it breaks my heart.
In all of this he just won't take responsibility for his life. He makes me make all the decisions. I say "please... it's up to you!!" and he just keeps asking me to decide and then he blames me for his situation. "I never get to do anything to get ahead"...but he spends 5+ hours on his cell phone playing games.
It's just not for me. He's not my kind of guy. Satanism. No thank you. Anarchy... maybe, in love. Wasting so much time on social media and games, nope. He's not driven or motiviated... he just hides behind reading (listening) to more and more books. The more he listens, the less he has to DO. Just keep learning... never doing. He has some book and a meditaiton program he's been putting off for months and says he has to read that before finding out how much he could get for a home loan.
It's perfect because we don't need a loan or home together.
Thank you God.
I'm done.
I don't know how it's going to unfold but it will.
May it be in LOVE. May I build him UP.
But this isn't the kind of life I want. He isn't the kind of person I want.
I need to BE the kind of person I want and I WAS...but in the last year I feel that I've been SO SIPHONED. Used. and my body and soul have become sick. I have a belt on me and will get pulled out of this metatronic reversal.... I will get better. I'm grateful for the experience. I love Paul SO MUCH... but we just can't be a couple. We aren't good for one another. He feels like I "command" him (and ultimately usurp his authority) and I feel like he doesn't "command" anything and is a weak user that I have to coddle and play this game of humble servant to try to build up... but it's an act. I'm "helping" as a form of control to try to inspire him to "man-up".
I just want to be free to be me without someone judging me as not good enough. He doesn't like the way I dress or look. He doesn't like the way I talk. I don't meet his sexual needs (blow job every day please). He likes the warm body who does all the stuff for him, but even after a year he "somewhat" loves me. And it's just not working. We are gluttonous and wasteful with money together. We are twin flames. And it's been an important relationship. Lots of beautiful experiences. Lots of heartache. Lots of growth. Lots of backsliding. And I think God.
But it's time.
Okay... now it's 12:51am. Maybe I can try to go to sleep now. We'll see.
I LOVE YOU CARISSA....CRISTY.
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